Wednesday, June 30, 2010

New look to my Blog

Hope you like the new look. It seems easier to read and is pretty.

Just finished a 2 1/2 mile walk on the hospital track which is very hilly. I realized when we were in NC that although I walk 3 miles or so a day, I was not in very good shape. I'd been walking around the lake or at the Hillsborough River. It was better than nothing but didn't really get my heart rate up or cause me to have to work very hard. I'd sweat but this is Florida....So now I hope this is the key for me to get in better shape.

I really want to have stammina and be able to tackle hills! I want to make sure I stay healthy for my kids espicailly Sam! Reading the guidleines for what my waist should be makes me realize I have a way to go! For woman if your waist in more than 32 inches, you have a HUGE risk of all kinds of diseases and heart issues. I'm not about wanting to fit into a certain size but I want to be healthy so I can live this one life God gave me!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Lonely

Just feeling lonely today. I was able to run some errands in Lakeland by myself w/out kids...but really wanted a girlfriend to hang out with. So I did everything by myself, even ate by myself...I NEVER do that. But felt like crying....I'm not usually like this but I just feel lonely, I have for years. I used to have so many friends to hang out with that I had to juggle people around...But some folks moved away, I quit work and lost touch with a lot of friends and I think lots of people are overwhelmed by the life I live now. I have so many responsibilities that my life is so structured with all I do for Sam -it's too much for others. I noticed some ladies out shopping together laughing and having a good time and I thought "God I really crave that!" One thing though, you can't make a friendshop happen anymore than a romantic relationship. You either click with someone or you don't. And there is nothing worse than having to hang out with someone who you just don't get or who doesn't get you!! And I'm a different kind of person. I'm not spiritual enough for most other pastor's wives or even churh ladies but I'm too spiritual for heathens...LOL that's a joke everyone!!! Untwist your .......!!!!!! But I am "different" in the way I look at life than alot of people. My husband kids me if I haven't been friends with someone for 20 plus years then I don't care anything about them! That's not quite true but boy I wish all my "old" friends didn't all move away from here except for a couple!

When I had Sam, I hate to say it, but I found out who my true friends were and sad to say, there weren't a ton of them. Oh sure I have tons of causal friends but true friends are few and far between. It's hard. I've always been such a "social butterfly" that loneliness is hard at times. I've adjusted and can deal with it but it still stinks. But I can't do the things I used to be able to do. I can't just go and run and be free. If nothing else I know I have 30 eyedrops to get into my baby's eyes before he goes to bed at night. So life is structured around what my son needs. But that's ok and it will always be ok! Whatever I have to do for him is worth any small "sacrifice" I think I make!

Sometimes I look at my friends who are my age and all their kids are at least in high school or at least teenagers and I still carry a diaper bag! It's different and will always be different since Sam probably won't progress much mentally or physically past the point he is now....And this may sound stupid to other people but I feel like Sam is my own sweet angel to take care of and one day when I'm in heaven I'll have all the time to rest, relax and be with friends and God but my time now is to take care of my son. That is truly how I look at my life but I do get lonely for friends...

What a whiner I am...maybe I'm PMSing:) Soemone please send me some meds:)

More vacation pics






Some random shots...we took over 300 pictures. I've already got the photo album done. that makes our 20 something album since we had kids or maybe 30 something...I love having pictures & videos of the kids. They grow up so fast!

As you can tell we had so much fun! Hope we can do it again! AS far as I know the kids didn't break anything in our friend's cabin...I quickly went through and put all the breakables away as soon as we got there! Hope I found them all and put them back out too! Haha don't want them to think we took something home with us! But I know breakables and 3 boys do NOT mix especially when one can't see very good and thinks everything is a ball!

Summer....






I make a goal to write more on my blog then LIFE gets busy...

We had a wonderful vacation in North Carolina. A man my husband works with offered us his cabin in Murphy NC- the very most western corner of NC. We had a blast! We left out the day after school was out. the first full day there we visited 4 falls about an hour away. How beautiful that was! On Saturday we went to Cherokee NC and the edge of the Great Smokey Mountain Park. Jon & I had been there years before without kids so it was neat to go back. We even stopped and fed the bears in Cherokee. Jon got mauled by a little bear, it was sorta funny. I did ask if the bears had had their rabies shots and they had:) On Sunday we visited the Assembly of God church in Murphy. The folks were so sweet & welcoming. I know people say things like that about churches but this one REALLY was! The pastor preached a good solid sermon and we all went out to eat afterwards and someone even picked up our lunch:) They sang a melody of songs that reminded me of when we used to go street witnessing back at SEC. Kinda warrior type 80's songs. I hadn't heard them in years but remembered every word once we started singing. Steve (who makes fun of MY music) said during the service, "those sound like Petra songs" The pastor's wife sat with Sam in the nursery & he stayed with her the whole time! Glory1 That was a first:) That afternoon we drove to Hawisa Dam and also to Field of the Woods where there is the biggest 10 commandments. We walked up all the steps to the top. Dear Lord I thougth I was gonna die!!!! By mistake on the way there we drove into Tennessee and drove through Ducktown & Turtletown...what funny names!!!

On Monday we had to have our brakes fixed. Evidently we were riding them too much! They may have had some issues before but anyhow a guy from the church fixed them and basically just charged us for the parts! I'm telling ya NC folks are great! Then we drove to CHIMNEY ROCK my FAVORITE mountain!! I actually went there as a kid with my aunts (40 yrs ago this JUne...funny...) and Jon and I had been there a few times years ago so it was great to take my kids there. We walked all the trails including EXCLAMATION POINT! I do NOT remember it being so hard 20 years ago hahah! But it was beautiful and we had a blast. Jon carried Sam in a backpack we rented. I do NOT know how he made it up the mountain with him. I could barely get myself up!!!

On Tuesday we rode the Great Smokey MT Railroad. The kids loved it. I got a bit of motion sickness. It was beautiful and a new experience for the kids, they had never been on a train. We splurged and bought tickets in the a/c car. So glad we did! It was a hot day. The boys were all over the train and Sam loved the motion of the train. It was a fun day capped off by a TCBY (y'all remember them -This Can't be Yogurt) On Wednesday Jon & Steve went whitewater rafting! They had so much fun a real dad& son thing to do. I stayed at the cabin with the little boys. On Thursday we stayed in the Murphy area and hit all their thrift shops. I bought a nice dressy denim jacket for $2 and an afghan for $3:) We drove to the Folk School in the area and looked at their gardens and went through the village of Brasstown.

We drove home on Friday..what a wonderful fun time we had. The vacation was dubbed "the biggest loser vacation" cause we walked so much up & down mountains and to falls....I hope we lost some weight. I thought I ws in good shape since I walk a few miles almost everyday day...Well here's a bulletin for you...walking in Florida and waling in mountains are TWO ENTIRE DIFFERENT THINGS!!!!!! There was more heavy panting going on and my heart was pounding out of my chest...I didn't even care what other people thought either. When we'd met folks on the mountain, they were all dying too! We'd just weakly nod at each other & keep going!

So thankful for that time with my family. Often you hear the phases "God will give you the desire of our heart." Well it truly was the desire of my heart to take the kids to the mountains this summer. I thought about it last year and thought this would be the perfect year to do it. And God worked it out! the guy who doesn't know us real well ( maybe if he had he might not have offered..LOL) offered Jon out of the blue the use of his cabin! We could have never afforded to do it otherwise! It was a wonderful time of making memories together and having fun!!!!! I'm adding some pictures from our trip- hope you enjoy them!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Perseverance...finishing strong!

Tonight I was looking at maps, reading a book about North Carolina, planning our upcoming vacation when Jon turned on the tv. Now as a disclaimer, I hate christian tv for the most part. There are a few people on that I know personally, like Arthlean Ripply (she has a local show), a friend of our's does a night show I'm told although I've never stayed up late enough to watch him, and I actually rather like Jim Bakker...so sue me....

But anyhow Jon turned it on TBN that I will normally only watch with him IF he is rubbing my back and I have a good book to read:) but there was a young man on from Steve Hill school(remember the Pensacola Revival) who was preaching! And it was truth....I told my husband we needed to play that Sunday morning1 The guy was basically saying QUIT saying you are a christian and you still living like the world..living with your baby's mama, smoking a little weed...etc....It was RIGHT ON! Then Steve Hill got up to share. Steve has been dealing with cancer for a few years now. He shared that with the audience and he shared realistically about what was going on. BUT his purpose is sharing was to talk about perseverance! He said he wanted to be remembered as a man who was faithful to God through the good times AND through the bad times! He shared how God uses him when he is at MD Anderson weekly, how he ministers to other patients and their families. He didn't give no big faith talk as in "I'm believing God for my healing" NO he radiated TRUST in God. He know he is in God's hand, what ever happens!!

Oh how the church needs to hear that message!!!!!!!!

Recently I knew a man, who had cancer. He desperately wanted to be healed. I do not blame him in anyway what so ever. He was only in his 40's, had a family, a ministry...plus he was going through terrible pain with the cancer. I read his blogs. While my heart went out to him in what he was going through...I felt troubled by his writings. there was alot of anger, even directed at God, there seemed to be alot of begging and going here and there for someone to pray for him for him to be healed. I even wondered how or if he was preparing his family, teens to deal with his possible death....There seemed to be little trust. I don't blame that man for all he was feeling and I'm sure God didn't either. I feel the blame lies with preachers, pastors, tv evangelists who focus so much on this earth and living here that we forget that we all are gonna die!

I look back at my own life. When I lost the twins, I felt like God had broke a promise to me! Now where on earth did I get that idea???? If you would have asked me straight out, I would have been shocked by that questions. I had great theology. I had a degree from Southeastern college in Bible. I wan't some flake, some "name it claim it" But in my heart, I felt like God owed me. Here I'd serve God all my life since I was a child. We were serving God on the mission field, in the inner city of NYC, and I should have been "covered by the Blood" & "under God's protection". Why not? I was "in the middle of God's will- the safest place to be" and yet, my children died, I almost died ...and I began to believe God had tricked me! He'd broke His promises...I became increasing bitter at God, the whole world....I had NO trust in God. I began to walk away from God, baby steps at first, then I began running away from God as hard as I cold all the while shaking my fist at God.....

So where did this idea come from that God owed me? From many ministers over the years who probably didn't examine their sermons very well. They wanted to excite people. They began to make all kinds of promises that God didn't make! You know what I mean..."come to Jesus, your life will never be the same..." In subtle ways, the message cam across, if you're living for God nothing bad is really ever going to happen to you...No they didn't come out and say that -at least most of them didn't - but it was there. It was there even in some of the newer Christian songs...It was there in the Christian circles "hey how are you? "I'm blessed and highly favored of the Lord" Well heck if you're blessed & highly favored of the Lord life is gonna be great right????

Well according to the Bible that is just NOT true. You can look in the OT at JOb! Or David, read the Psalms what outpouring of feelings....And since God allowed the Psalms to be in the Bible, He must be ok with people making negative confessions....Whew David is more real than I have ever been!! I just opened my Bible to Psalms 102 3-7 "For my days are consumed like smoke and my bones and burned like a hearth. My heart is stricken and withered like grass so that I forget to eat my bread because of the sound of my groaning my bones cling to my skin. I am like a pelican of the wilderness I am like an owl of the desert I lie awake and am like a sparrow alone on the housetop" WOW that is pretty rough huh??? But it is in the Bible!

Ok you can say that's the OT we live in NT times...ok...

My favorite verse in the bible, the one that is NEVER in the little "Bible Promise Books"...John 16:33...in this world you WILL have trouble....some versions read tribulations....There it is, Jesus said...You WILL have trouble in this world...but we are looking towards the world to come or shouldn't we be????? Look at Paul in 2 corthinians 11:23-29 Are they ministers of Christ I speak as a fool I am more in labors, more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequently ...3 times shipwrecks...in perils of waters, of robbers, in the city , among false brethren, often in hunger and thirst...besides the other things that come on me daily..." I think this is the scripture Steve Hill used tonight....

I don't hear that message very often do you? We share it, with our church...life is hard but God will walk with you even through "the valley of the shadow of death" Everyone wants to be delivered out of that valley but that's not how it works!

I want to be strong! I want to persevere to the end. I want to be faithful to God despite the trials that come my way. I want to live my life so that others can see that you can walk with God through the hard times. You can totally TRUST even when you don't get the answer you want. God is still on the throne although our world may fall apart....

So how did I turn around? It took a long time, years...hard times....but I began seeing God in a whole new light. so now I try to share that with others. god doesn't promise if you come to him, you get a shield that will protect you from every bad thing , every germ, every accident, every downsizing at work...but He will be your shield as you walk through life and He will give you the grace you need to face each day. It rains on the just & the unjust, we all live in a fallen world but the difference is this world is not our home, we are only passing through! We know who hold tomorrow and who will give us the grace we need.

You can trust God even when the tears are streaming down your face, I know cause I have tears alot but I know that God is with us! He can be with you too!