Sunday, January 27, 2013

Day 84 Fish Oil Study Hope in God

One of our fav nurses worked with Selah today and said she was doing great.  She tolerated a shower.  Last time we tried that, she made sure we paid for it!  She had an hour long storm!  But she did great today and actually seemed to enjoy it.  We are getting a bath chair for her and I'm thrilled that she did good today because I learned on Friday giving a bed bath is hard work!   Her vitals are great today and no issues.

We had a good day at Grace Church with our church family.  It's just good to be together and share life, even when during the trials of life....

This afternoon me and the boys cleared the church and our house of ladybugs.  They have infested everywhere!   You know I hate to kill anything so we got them out hundreds of them on the ceiling in our foyer, I didn't notice them till after church LOL maybe they needed a good service too!  Ladybugs are supposed to be for a garden so my garden should do good if they hang around!!!

What a lovely warm day in Florida.  I wore shorts and a tshirt and sat in the sun for awhile.  It was so calm and peaceful out here in the country.  We opened all the windows, perfect weather:)  Sorry to all my northern friends but at least you can go play in the snow.   And I just got bit by a mosquito...we all have our cross to bear. ....

I also worked on our house I am a person who doesn't keep alot of "stuff" but I seem to have more stuff than usual.  Clean House used to be one of my favorite shows and after watching it, I'd have an urge to go clean out a drawer or two.  So I'm working on going through things still as it just seems like we are too crowded and I have some projects too, mostly including our pictures.  I've got bags "to go" various places and the bags themselves are bothering me.  I did have a psychology minor so I do understand WHY I'm doing this but I can't help but be annoyed by all the little silly projects I have going on....  Basically if I can control some small area of my life, that gives me control, since life seems so out of control for me right now.  So see I can psycho-analyze my own self and save money LOL   "The first step in recovery is to admit you have a problem"  All those student loans were good for something at least:)

YES life is scary and out of control....  I want Selah home so bad but I'm terrified to have her home....  even with nursing, it's scary.  If I didn't have PTSD (Post Traumatic Sam Disorder) I probably would not feel like I did but I know how it was when we brought Sam home from the hospital and in some ways he was more stable but in some ways Selah is more stable.  I could not  go to the bathroom without the fear that he would be not breathing when I came out.  I promise you I am not exaggerate so in one sense Selah is not as bad off as Sam was but he didn't have a trach or a g-tube.  But for years I'd say "I wouldn't repeat that first year with Sam for a million dollars"    I have a blog with that title...I'm not kidding it was rough.  I remember at his one year old birthday party Jon & I both just wept because we honestly never knew that he'd make it to his one year old birthday!    Anyhow with the memories of the sheer terror we went through and the many 911 calls that were made during that year, I have some real significant fears about bringing Selah home.   Oh my Gosh ,the stories I could tell you of holding him and suctioning him out and having the 9 and the 1 dialed, waiting to see if we'd have to dial the next 1 to call 911, you have no idea.....  well maybe you do if you've had to care for a family member who was very ill.  We all survived and by the time Sam was 2 years old, we didn't have all those awful issues ( and some issues that never really were identified)  But I kept a hospital bag packed for him/me until he was about 7 years old.....

So I'm elated and terrified at the same time....lots of emotions....

Please keep praying for Selah, pray that she will handle the transition home without getting sick and having to go to another hospital (that happens often)   Obviously I don't want to see her sick but I just don't know if I have the wherewith all to deal with anymore hospitals for awhile! 

I really don't want to whine and make things about me because this is about Selah but I will tell you these past months have been the hardest thing I have every gone through.  I"m thankful that she is alive and we have had her but it's been hard.  When I really get on the self pity trip, I have to remind myself things could have been worse.  Sam and Selah both could have died and I'd be writing this blog from a mental ward somewhere....or Sam could also be in the same situation as Selah is...or Selah could have never ever progressed.  I do have alot to be thankful for.   I bet there are parents who read my blog that they have lost children and thank I"m lucky.... so I do not want to belly ache.. but I'm tired, I'm worn down, my heart is heavy, I am afraid of the future of all the various ramifications ....

I'm a person who usually has alot of HOPE for the future, even when times are rough, I can dredge up a little hope, but I'm scrapping the bottom tonight.   I'm not ashamed to admit it. 

I'm so glad that there are scriptures where even great people of God like David in the Psalms wrestled with depression and fear of the future.  In Psalms 43:5 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God."

He realized that he was depressed but he also acknowledged his hope was in God.and he realized that he would praise God again. 

People are kind and try to be encouraging to me....I am thanful of that but right now I feel very discaouraged but I do know I will Hope in God. 


  1. Praying for strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow!

  2. We pray for Selah every day, but tonight I am praying especially for you. May our good Lord give you peace and comfort and joy and wisdom in all the details you handle every day for your family.

  3. I've always seen ladybugs as a good sign from God that blessings will happen!

    Though I'm sure they didn't seem like a blessing at the time! Oh my! Our house was once invaded by "rolly pollies". For whatever reason they thought the inside of our home was on their migratory path LOL I don't like to kill most things either but there were....hundreds....crawling everywhere throughout the house. We finally figured they were searching for water so left a pan outside with a tiny bit of water and a wet sponge and that seemed to help.