Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 108 Fish OIl Study ~ Prayers needed

One of my favorite places...the Lowes Garden Center!
Got me some plants to put in the garden...lots of work to be done!
Selah waiting at the orthopedics's office
Well today Selah had an appointment with orthopedics.  I'll call him Dr Hottie!  I never really notice guys and think they are soon as we got back in the van me and the nurse were like "WOW! Selah has a cute doctor!!"  LOL
Anyhow Dr Hottie is all business and my kind of doctor!  He is ready to move on things with her.  He will be doing surgery in about 2 weeks to release or lengthen her Achilles heel tendon and to cut the plantar fascitis on her foot.  This will enable her feet/ankles to go back in to a normal position.  She will be able to wear shoes and she will be able to put weight on her feet.   I like doctors who will move on things and get it done!  He said since it has only been 6 months, he expects success with her feet/ankles! 
Another thing I liked ....I asked him if the surgery would keep her from walking if she "got a sudden miracle either from God or the fish oil"  and he was so sweet and then answered all my questions by saying "if she gets a miracle" then.....this or that would need to be done...depending on what we were talking about.  He said this would put her in the best spot to walk "if she got a miracle"   I appreciate his kindness and how he considered what I has asked.  I had to fight tears a couple of times....  So a cute and nice and ready to work doctor:)
I drove her today and it was fine.  She did much better than riding in the ambulance and it boosted my confidence. 
For some reason these pictures were on my mind today.....
Shad, Selah, Sam and Steve holding Sarah

We took the kids to HoneyMoon Island this past summer.  What a fun day it was.....    just thinking about it makes me want to cry....
I can be carrying on a conversation but in my mind I'm thinking/praying for Selah.  Today I was talking to someone but my thoughts were of that day at the beach.  Is this it...will she ever recover?  Lately I've been dreaming more and more about her.  A few nights ago I dreamed she had taken her gtube line off and was drinking the pedisure.  I keep having dreams that she has recovered.  But is that just my wishful thinking??  I don't know
I do not believe that God is a genie in a bottle or that He does all our bidding for many theological reasons that I don't feel like going into but does He not hear my cries?  Will He not deliver?  Will this be our lot in life?  I know He hears my cries, even when I cry out of my deepest hurt, I feel His nearness....
I have dreams for our lives, for my life and this was not one of them!  But, I resolved a long time ago that I would serve God wherever He wanted me to serve.  Right now I know I am to serve God by serving my daughter and my other children. 
Last year when we were getting near to our departure for Ukraine, I had a momentarily "FREAK OUT"  I knew what my life was with a handicapped, forever toddler child and I was about to triple that responsibility????  OH MY GOSH, there was a period of a few hours I thought I had lost my ever living mind!  I had to "pray through" that feeling and lay it down at Jesus' feet.  You may think I'm just writing a trite christian saying but I really had to lay down my life anew that day!   See I had just gotten things where I had a little free time, my oldest son was old and responsible enough to babysit some and Shad was responsible for a then 8 year old and Sam was so much healthier and physically able and I was bringing in TWO new children who had all kinds of needs! 
So I laid it down, all the fears, all of my selfish thoughts and I told God that even if my life/ministry was going to be serving these three little ones the rest of my life, I was going to do it happily for Him.  And I was happy but afraid of the responsibility...
Then we got the girls and got home with them and it was truly all joy!  Of course I knew they would always be with us, probably never ever at a point they could live on their own, just like Sam, but it was just wonderful being their mommy!  It was easy going from 3 kids to 5 kids...people remarked on how peaceful our home was and how I could go out with the little ones by myself.  Just all the things I thought were going to be so hard...weren't at all!  We could not believe how easy things were.  I read other FB posts and blogs of other adoptive parents and couldn't even relate to them.  We did not have one issue, I just felt like Supermom:)
Then the accident.....
So once again today I had to lay it all down, my thoughts, my fears, my selfish thoughts....I have to be ready to serve as a parent and do it all as onto  God.  Do it as a service to God....I don't do it with a grudge or with resentment, I do it as one who knows there is a God who does listen to our prayers. 
So I don't know what is going to happen with Selah...but I adore my sweet little brown eyed girl and I am so thankful she is alive and with us!  When I pray I remind God He just needs to send me back my little Selah, with all her differences...that was what made her MY Selah!  We chose her!  We wanted her just the way she was and still want her just the way she is...but I sure miss the sweet little funny things she used to do.  Some of her sounds, I can't remember anymore....some of her cute little ways are slipping fast from my memory....that makes me so sad!
Unless you have gone through something like this or lost a child, because this is much like losing a child, you don't know how this feels.  I had dealt with some hard stuff before this but this "takes the cake"  I handle my emotions most of the time but even when I'm going through my day, my heart is crying even if no one can see it.  No one can help me but God.  No friend can do anything or say the magic word...only God can help me.  He is my strength.  You may not understand that or you may think I'm nuts but He is the only thing getting through this life!  Explaining all of that to someone who doesn't know God would be like telling a blind person what the color green is....  I just don't know how to tell you but I will tell you that God will give you peace in the storms of life.  I feel like I'm in a gigantic hurricane that has lasted for months but yet, there is a corner I can safely go and find the peace of God.  Not false peace, not even the promise that things will turn out the way I want them to, but the peace that passes understanding is what guards my guards my heart and my mind from probably having a real nervous breakdown.  I guess knowing there is something beyond this life of suffering to hold on to keeps me going!
So many folks think God has all kinds of promises in the bible about how this present life is going to be made easy BUT that is not true! (I think you were listening to too many tv preachers!  they are the ones with the false promises)  READ THE BIBLE FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    God has many promises about life in heaven and how He will make all things new on that day and how He will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more death for the former things will have passed away!!! 
But my heart just cries out for Selah to be healed now.  I want to enjoy her and play with her again!   I don't want to wait!  I want to see her smile and hear her giggle.  I want to teach her new things and see her play with her brothers and sister.  I want her to enjoy food (except for rice -she hated rice)   I want her to watch herself in the mirror after I dress her in a pretty outfit!  I want to see her playing in her pink car and on the swing set!  I want to see her sleeping in her bed, not on a hospital bed, oh you have no idea how much I want those things!  ~   Please pray for her.....keep lifting her name up to the Father.....I don't stop, some morning I wake up praying and most nights I pray myself to sleep.  That doesn't mean I"m some spiritual giant, lol not me!  But my heart cries out.....all the time! 
So please join me in prayer for Selah. 


  1. It is so wonderful when you get a great doctor on board!I understand about driving!My son is trached and gtubed i was scared the first time i drove.Our nurse is awesome and does great with him while i drive i am ever so grateful and now we can go in the car with confidence!

  2. Praying for Selah every day! Praying that Dr. H can put her in a good position for a miracle. Praying that God grants the miracle and that Selah returns fully to herself.

  3. I almost don't want to comment on this post, because it is almost too painful. I know just how you feel. Just how youre heart cries out, just...all of it. I'm so sorry. I too wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'll keep praying for sweet Selah.

  4. I saw this article this morning and thought you would appreciate it.

    They did a series on suffering last month and I thought of you often. Continuing to pray!

  5. Joining you in prayer (and continuing...)!

  6. Yes, ma'am. We'll be more active and earnest in our prayers for her. Ill read this to my kids so they understand.