Tomorrow Sarah has an emergency dental appointment right by St Joe's and I'll pick up Jon after the appointment and he may go to work tomorrow. Who knows Selah might come home.
I read an article on line today about a woman who recently found out that her 33 week old fetus had some sort of abnormality. She and her husband decided to abort the child. Because of the abortion, something happened and the woman died last week. There was an obituary for her and the child. The posts following the article were interesting. Evidently this woman had a gift registry for the child, a little girl and a book that we have "I"ll love you forever" had already been purchased by someone for this child. I couldn't help but think, I guess the "I'll love you forever " part was only good IF the child was perfect.... OH my God.....it just makes me sick to think of a 33 week old fetus being killed! Sam was born at 32 weeks!!!!! Our world is crazy, this woman was a "person of faith" according to the obit.... I can't help but wonder, who counseled this woman.... who had she let speak into her life? We as Christians should have a high standard of respect for life! We should share that standard AND when and if the time ever comes, we should walk out that standard in our own lives!
I think of a friend, another pastor's wife, a friend....she and her husband found out their greatly wanted, cherished little girl had very little of her brain formed.... They stood strong and with great love and respect, carried little Molly to term, loving her every second of her life and holding her as she took her last breath.... She surprised everyone and lived a few hours, every minute of that life was lived surrounded by love. Was it hard for my friends? YES but when they are reunited with their little Molly, what a day of pure rejoicing that will be. I don't know how heaven is going to be and what age we all will be...but I know the bible says in 1 Corinthians 13 that "we shall know as we are also known" which gives the idea that we will know people when we get to heaven. But when they are reunited with Molly, there will be no regrets...what a testimony.
So that article made me start thinking.....about Sam and how his little life led us to adopt Shad, Sarah and Selah. Sam changed my life completely! Some years before I had Sam, I was so depressed and driving on my way to work and not in a good place spiritually at all...but yet my heart cried out to God...not for a child but just for HELP! And I heard God's voice! I don't mean I specifically heard an audible voice...but God spoke to my heart - maybe it was audible I was alone in the car....and He said "You will have a son named Samuel and he will change your life" Well I was NOT looking to have a child but I kept that in my heart so a few years later when I got pregnant, I knew it would be my Samuel....and it was! And boy did he change my life:)
Would I have chosen for my son to be blind and have mental delays?? Of course NOT, I wanted my life easy, I wanted his life easy....but...it happened.... I, of course believe that things just happen and God is there to walk us through those things if we chose to let Him. I don't think He causes bad things to happen nor do I think the devil is working hard against us (boy if I believe that...I'd think I was #1 on the devil's hit list!!) I think we live in a fallen world and things happen. I also do not think God is a heavenly Genie that will make life suddenly become what we want it to be.... But I do know the bible says God will cause ALL things to work for our good.
So as I'm "preaching" to you tonight...I'm also preaching to myself. I'm at the point with Selah's situation that I am overwhelmed and my heart is so heavy. I do not know how we are going to live the rest of our lives like this. I don't want this for her or for me! But I've been at this point before in my life. And that situation did not change BUT I changed.
I can remember just crying so many times in those first few months thinking "My God how will we make it????" "How will we raise a blind child?" At that point we didn't even know about his mental delays and I was overwhelmed. I was so scared BUT just like now, I loved him so much. I didn't know HOW we were going to do it and the future looked so bleak and dark..... But we put one foot in front of the other, and we loved him with everything within us and we made it.
Now there are still times when the responsibility of raising a "forever child" floods over me...now times THREE (even before the accident) but there is a peace. Of course the accident changed things so much and took everything up about a million notches!!
So I find myself in that same place as I was when Sam was little. Today I had to go inside the bank. I had gone there so many times while we were in the process of adopting and had taken the girls in to meet the ladies who had helped me so many times... This was the first time I had been back in since the accident. Everyone came and spoke to me and I held the tears in till I was going out the door. An older man was coming in and he probably wondered why I came out of the bank crying.... but I thought my heart would just break into. I keep thinking back to this time of year... we found out about Selah on February 13th, just two days away from a year ago.... We were anxiously awaiting the travel date and our hearts were filled with anticipation . It was the exact same kind of weather as it is now... everything brings me back to that time and how special it was. I could not believe I was going to be the mom of two little girls! After all these years with just boys....now those memories just break my heart into hundreds of pieces.
So I don't know how we are going to walk out the rest of our lives or even the next few months. It feels the same as when we had Sam. But we love Selah and are just as committed to her as we were to Sam. We were scared but we were going to do whatever we had to do to take care of him. We feel the same about Selah... But I don't know how we are going to do it, just like I didn't know how we were going to do it with Sam but we did. Things are harder, life is much more complicated but I have learned to trust God in difficult times much more than I knew then.
So back to Sam, the little tiny boy who changed my life forever....I thank God for him! I love my funny little one of a kind boy so much. I feel so blessed to have him as my son! His birth nine years ago turned our world upside down and right side up....
So we ask for prayer for Selah. Prayer that she will recover quickly from whatever is going on (we still have no answers) Prayer that God will be gracious and merciful and do a healing to bring her back to where she was cognitively. Prayer that God will give us the strength and the fortitude to do all we need to take care of all of our children. I think we all need some fortitude in our lives to do the right things.... I also ask for prayer for the Wiley family as our friend Ray is laid to rest tomorrow.....
Thank you for all your prayers and sweet comments, they really do mean so much to me!