Sunday, March 17, 2013

My thoughts ....

Selah is doing fine, had a good night.  She doesn't like being out of bed much with the casts on.  She only tolerates about an hour before she gets her sad face and tears.  But we are turning her and doing lots of range of motion even while she is in bed.  Two weeks and one day till these blasted casts come off!  I got the most sleep last night that I've gotten since the surgery. 

Today as we fast approach the one year anniversary of our trip to go get the girls, I am so sad inside.  I look at Sarah and see how far she has come and then I look at Selah and see what she has lost.  This afternoon I went out on my swing and looked up at the sky and just begged God to send Selah back to us....I don't want her any different than who she was before the accident.  I just want her back....  I look at the sky, the trees, the grass and I know God made them all...I believe He is the creator of Life and this world....

I had a dream right after the accident that Selah "came back" cognitively but she couldn't walk....it was so real and we were at home in the dream.  I've never claimed that was a dream from God, I sure hope it was but I don't know.  Every dream I've had about her since the accident involved her being healed.  Again I don't know if that is God or if it is just my own thoughts and hopes....

I read other families blogs or facebook pages if they are sent to me.  Reading over some of them would make me think I'm not very spiritual, I'm not claiming anything or speaking anything over Selah.  I'm also not exaggerating anything either.  I think I go the opposite extreme and down play stuff because I don't want to act like everything is just fine and she is healed....It's not and she's not....  That is the truth.  Some of the pages make me sad for the child and family as they are obviously projecting onto the child's situation what they want to see.  Let me tell you I'm not projecting, I'm telling you how it is and how I feel. 

But...I still know there is a God who loves us.  You may not understand that.  You may think that God should be required to step in and "do something"  But that is not God, that is not his word.  He could magically make everything perfect this very second but that is not what He has promised.  He has promised to walk with us "through the valley of the shadow of death"  He has kept that promise to me.  He is still keeping that promise, even as my tears fall like rain as I type this. 

I've experienced God's strength and grace in a way I have never known before in my life.  I am so thankful for that Grace and Strength.  I'm not shouting and dancing with joy right now.  I'm crying and feeling despair but I still will trust Him.  When I look ahead in the future, it does not seem very bright to me.  It's scary, not just because of the unknown things ahead but because of the known things that lie ahead. 

But I cling tight to Him....to the One who knew what was ahead for us and sent that lady to speak a word to me in the Mall....  I don't know why all this happened, why God didn't prevent it from happening...but I don't blame God either....  I don't understand things but I know God sent that lady to speak to me and to tell me "Something Big was ahead for our family, many would see and Do NOT be afraid"  She claimed that word came from God and I could tell she was a christian from how she spoke.  She wasn't some kind of new age psychic...

As we have walked through this God has provided everything we have needed.  EVERYTHING!  Jon was without a paycheck for months and we really didn't even notice it.  We didn't think about our needs as we were so focused on Selah and yet God met them.  I'm thankful for that testimony.  I know God will provide us a van that will fit her wheelchair and even a house that is fitted for her....but honestly I pray that we do not need that!   We had so many offers in the beginning of help that we turned down because we could not focus on anything but Selah.  I asked folks to give us time to see what we actually needed and what we were going to do.  I had hoped that Selah would receive a miracle and we'd just go back to our little house....  I'm still praying that we will not need anything else for her because she will be healed.  I'm quite the fund raiser/grant finder but every time I think to do something, I just can't do it.  So I figure God knows what we need, when we need it and He'll take care of it when we need it IF we need it.

But I'm sad, not alot of fun to be around right now.  I force myself to focus on other things with my family as I know my kids need me too.  My heart is so heavy some days still it feels like it will break.  How can a little girl that I only knew for a few months break my heart like this?  It's because she is my daughter and I can not stand to see her like this.  I miss the funny little girl she was so much that it takes my breath away literally......

Right now we have her on several meds to dull the pain, take away her anxiety...which takes her even further away from us.  It is so hard......I will be glad when she gets through the next two weeks but it's not like she is going to just become normal again, even after she is off the meds...outside of a miracle. 

Please pray for Selah, pray that God will give us a miracle.  I just want my little girl back, I feel like we've missed so much with her.  I know I'm not the first mom to be in this situation and I surely am not the most spiritual or the best, I'm not asking for God to heal her based on my merits...but on His grace and mercy. 



3 comments:

  1. His grace and mercy...ofttimes the only things that keep us moving, or maybe I should say lurching, ahead--start, stop, start, stop...Blessings to you, friend!

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  2. Praying for Selah's miracle, today and every day.
    (I've been having problems with internet again...if you don't see a note from me, please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers many times a day, every day.)
    Sending prayers for all of you, and lots of hugs, too. Think how much better she'll be when the casts are off!

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  3. Yvonne, I think it's great how real you are. You don't need to be "highly spiritual", like some people are. Does God even call us to do that? I feel that you understand God more than people who do all these things (name it/claim it, etc.), as if saying the magic words or doing the right "ceremony" will please God and make Him do things our way. God has his plan for you, Selah, and your family. It many not be pretty and full of flowery words, but God doesn't need that. He needs real families who rely on Him through storms. I have been reading your blog since the accident and I have never seen your faith waiver. You are truly devoted to God, even when things are hard, even when you don't understand, even when you hate how things are going. I truly respect that. I have been praying for Selah and the rest of the family and I will continue to do that.

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