Monday, September 1, 2014

Waves of Grief

This morning I woke up missing Selah.  Missing the funny little girl who loved to eat, play with toys, follow Sam around, look in the mirror at all her new clothes.  The little girl we only learned about 6 weeks before we left for Ukraine.  The surprise for a mama who was used to having 3 boys....and who ended up with 2 girls....  We live in limbo....we still have Selah here, but in so many ways she is not here.  I feel I've missed out on the past two years, the time we would have been bonding and I know Selah has missed out. 

If you would have told me that I'd have to deal with a near drowning of one of my kids and live like this, in this limbo world, I would have never thought I could have stood it.  There are times when the waves of grief sweep over me in such a way I just want to go and cry, I feel like I can't breath or even stand.  Today, I don't know anything that triggered it.  It's a holiday long weekend, I slept in instead of going walking because I got to bed too late last night.  Steve was out with some friends and I can't sleep till he gets home.  Nothing bad is going on.....but the wave came as I opened my eyes this morning.  Maybe I had a half remembered dream.....but I woke up remembering the accident.   I just laid there and prayed that God would heal her.  That He'd bring her all the way back to us.  Then I worried if God healed her, she'd have a leg that is shorter than the other due to the hip surgery.  Then I though if God heals her mind, He can take care of the leg too. 

You may wonder how or why I am not angry with God about the accident or that she hasn't been healed but I really am not.  Don't know why but the Grace of God....

Funny thing, I dream about Selah more than any of the other kids.  She is always in my dreams, whole and back to her normal little self.  Sometimes there are just glimpses of her that I remember of the dream, sometimes the whole thing focuses on her....

She was our surprise child, we were going to add a little boy to our adoption of Sarah and then he got adopted before we left for Ukraine and Selah's info was given to us.  Jon fell for her immediately.  I was a tiny bit hesitant because she wasn't blind and I didn't know how to deal with a delayed child who wasn't blind.  Ok I know that sounds crazy but.....   It only took me a couple of days for the joy to set in of having two little girls.  Me, who'd been the only girl ever in the family!  After three boys, having girls was like a dream! 

Then getting them and everything being so wonderful....then the accident....

It's always seemed like a fairytale gone wrong.... and I've said over and over that "this can not be the ending"  I'm waiting for the fairytale ending, the little princess waking up......

We as a family go on, we live, we love, we do life....but there is an empty spot there.  Even tho she is home with us, it's nowhere near the same.  There is like a dark cloud hanging over us.  Oh we cope, because of the grace of God but it's there.  Having nurses in our home 24 hours a day is a blessing and at times hard.  We've never had the luxury of being alone since the day of the accident.  Then we were staying at Ronald McD's not like I could just have an emotional breakdown and go screaming down the halls.

I said in the beginning, that I never would be truly happy again on this earth and it's true.  I have joy and love but happiness, a feeling that all is perfect, will never be mine again. 

Today must have been a hard day for several families, I noticed on FB that one of my friends who has a daughter who was in a near drowning had a hard day as well as a friend who lost his son to a rare disease both made comments about their situations. 

Life can be so hard.

God's hand still holds me tightly and I cling to the hope of eternity.  I really cling, that's my hope.  There is something beyond this life, there is a day coming when every tear will be wiped away and there will be no more death.  Everything will be made right. 

I'm not the best apologist (a person who offers an argument in defense of something controversial.  or a Christian theology which attempts to present a rational basis for the Christian faith, defending the faith against objections.)   Which means I don't have all the answers but I KNOW in my heart that God is REAL and that His word is true.  And I'm so very thankful for that knowing.....

I still ask you to pray for Selah.  Pray that God will restore her to us.....  thank you....

1 comment:

  1. We continue to pray for Selah. Her picture is still on our frig in the Ukrainian flag frame the kids made for it. I will pray for you too. I'm sorry for this hard weekend. The trigger may have been just what your holiday weekend was like 2 years ago.

    Praying for the boys as they begin their new school years too! Love to you all! Praising Him for the Hope of Eternity!