Saturday, February 7, 2015

RESPONSIBILITY





 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yesterday we took Sam out for his birthday which will be next week.  Our favorite family restaurant is Olive Garden and Sam was happy!  They even sang to him:)    We had some errands to run and then we went by the new house.  On our way we noticed a bunch of deer in a fenced in area.  They were somewhat tame, as I got out of the van to take their picture.  I had noticed the 20 foot high chain link fence but just in passing.  In the country, some folks like lots of privacy but now I'm wondering if it is some kind of animal reserve.  
 
Well in my last blog, I got a comment I thought I'd share with you all and  then comment on.....
 
Wow so awful stuf! Well in my personal opinion I feel bad for you 2 healthy boys Steve and Shad (knowing Shad isn't 100% healthy) but any how just them 2knowing that they HAVE to take care of the siblings.... Steve has to at the end of the day marry a woman or man who is happy to care for his siblings and or Shad the same .....that is a lot for a brother.But I guess you and Pastor John have it all the played out. Me personally I would NEVER lay this pressure on ANY of my kids I have other family members ready to jump in if my handi children outlive me and Husband..... i know you mean the best or VERY best for your kids but putting the burden on the other children is not right in MY OPINION! But I don't know your entire situation ONLY what you share and from this post it seems Steve&Shad are responsible for the other children. Yes my kids know we want and wish for our 100% healthy ones too look out for the others.... but hmmmm once the husband and I pass who knows. I just know I am not MAKING/FORCING/GUILT TRIPPING any of my younger healthier ones to care for the other siblings.We have wills and and everything detailed out for our handicapped kids even if one of us gets Alzheimer's disease. So my big rant is ----i feel bad if you n Pastor John are laying the burden on your older healthier boys.That sucks for them. I know NONE of my children are not burdened by their siblings an NO they are not going into rest homes or into care of people whom don't know them.I just knew adopting children w special needs meant having a long life line.Feel bad for the families that the handicapped children have to be taken care of by siblings it never goes right. Yvonne this is my PERSONAL OPINION ONLY! Yours may better or the BEST or even CORRECT!!!!! By me aMom2three
 
 
 
I didn't think this writer was trying to be mean or ugly, she's written before but it made me want to address something to everyone on RESPONSIBILITY.  One thing I think she means is she does have a will and has someone besides her kids that would take responsibility for a child or children who are handicapped.  Well....then there is someone who would be "burdened" for the child or children's care....
 
Responsibility is not a word anyone likes anymore.  Everyone wants everything but they do not want to be responsible. 
 
That's not how my husband and I were raised, nor is that how we have raised our family.   And we weren't just raised to be responsible for just our family or loved ones but to realize we live to help others.
 
First of all let me say I went in to the bedroom where the boys were watching tv and talked to them both about this comment and asked them what they thought...  both were mad about the comment and felt like it was not a good understanding of how we think. 
 
When Sam was little, probably less than a year old, we were driving somewhere and Steve was talking about things with me.  Steve was about 9 years old at the time.  He said "Mom when you die I'll take care of Sam"  It came out unsolicited and I started bawling! 
 
As the years have gone by, we have always fought to keep a balance with Steve & Shad.  We do not want them to feel they have a "burden" to look after the little ones when we can not, however we don't look at our little ones as burdens.
 
We don't know the extent that each boy will be involved in the kids' care in the future.   Just as Jon & his brothers watch over their dad there is a difference.  Jon's oldest brother has taken most of the responsibility because his children are grown and he was able to move their dad in with them.  Jon's younger brother often stays with his dad when the other brother is on trips.  They both live in the same town, we are about an hour away from his dad.  Obviously at this point in our lives, Jon is not as involved physically in his dad's care.  He just decided to take some days off work to be with his dad on a more regular basis.  In the same way, one may be more responsible than the other. 
 
When I was a young adult, I was responsible for my great aunt.  She did go into a nursing home but was given the opportunity to come and live with us first.  She did not want to move 200 miles from her home town and her other family.  So I went up bi-weekly and checked on her, spent time with her, did any shopping whatever she needed.  It was not so "hard" to do, I didn't look at it at all like that, in fact I felt like I was not doing enough.  Of course her situation was different as she had siblings and friends that visited daily.  And she had no mental issues, she could tell us if there were any problems and she had a phone in her rom and called me just about daily.  I had to make her final arrangements and some very serious health decisions.  It taught me that you take care of family and that was something I saw growing up too. 
 
 
One thing I'm pretty sure of is that both of the boys would not marry girls who were uncomfortable with their involvement with the little ones' lives.  That is something that Steve has said over and over again.  Is that unfair?  I don't' think so, I think the way my kids have been raised and the values we've installed in them would make them look for a spouse who had deep beliefs and who was responsible and who cared for others.  Personally I think that is the kind of woman they'd want even if they didn't have siblings with special needs.
 
So to freak you all out.....Steve is named as the guardian of ALL his brothers and sisters should something happen to me and Jon.  That doesn't necessarily mean he would physically have them all in his home, but it means he would make the decisions for them. 
 
Just to make a point, let's say I win the $360 million lottery tonight....and then I put in my will that Steve gets ALL the money if Jon and I die....oh people would think that was great, lucky Steve....  however they do not look at the responsibility of taking care of human lives as "fun" or a "wonderful" thing.  We think differently.
 
When we adopted the girls, we did have a long talk with Steve, he had the same idea or thought or idea that we did and it is a bit like "in for a penny, in for a pound"   LOL  We are already in this life and our life is geared towards Sam, it's not that hard to add a couple more.  Of course we had no idea what would happen to Selah and how that would change things.
 
And that is something I think about all the time.....BAD things happen and families are called upon to step up and work through things.  No one is guaranteed an easy perfect life.  You might have one today and tomorrow be hurt in an accident or a family member hurt.  Then what do you do?  Do you step up and treat others like you'd want them to treat you if something happened to you??
 
With our kids, we have been careful to never make them feel they have to follow in their father's footsteps into ministry, or that they have to be super little Christian solders but we have also been careful to teach them to be caring people. People who see a need and then try their best to meet that need.  People who won't walk away from problems but be faithful and committed. 
 
We've never spelled out a plan for taking care of the little ones until recently we were given a great idea by one of our therapists.  That idea is that our new home, is big and handicapped accessible in all areas.  So it would be eligible to be a group home one day.  She has seen families do something similar and turn the family home into a "group home" for their handicapped child.  They would include a few more children/adults who needed the same care and hire nurses/caregivers.  Then usually someone from the family would be the one who was the director of the group home and oversaw it.  This was a way for the family to be involved and have a small business at the same time.  I was THRILLED with the idea and still am.  We all are!  Since our home is larger and has a bedroom suite that is private, it would be perfect for the director to live there if he wanted to.  If not that could be another room for a child/adult who might need it.
 
Of course we are very hopeful this is something we don't have to think about for another Thirty years or so!  We know folks in our community who are in their 80's and still very active and our goal is to be like them!!!!!   We do all we can to stay healthy and active.
 
When the day comes, if the day comes, that one or all of the little ones will need care that Jon nor I can give, I have faith in my older sons that they will be responsible with a happy heart towards their siblings.  Beyond faith in the boys, I have faith in God who will take care of all my children for me.  I believe God will work out whatever circumstances that are needed to see that the little ones are taken care of. 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

6 comments:

  1. I thought your idea was good, and understood it was only if your sons wanted to do this job... Not an obligation !

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  2. When I read the commenter's assessment that your children would be a "burden" to anyone, I wanted to scream!!! There is way too much thinking like that on the earth these days...about people caring for one another in times of hardship or not! I applaud the way you have raised Steve and Shad to love others as they love themselves! Imagine a world where all families taught their children that kind of love and responsibility??? Lord Jesus, come quickly!!!

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  3. When my son died at age 34, I realized that I had taken it for granted that he would take care of all sorts of things when my husband and I are gone. I pray that Steve will live a long, happy, healthy, and productive life. He has such a kind and generous heart.
    Hugs,
    JEB

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  4. Well as I said Yvonne it us my personal opinion. I just don't understand how as you say you have discussed this w Steve before you adopted? but I'm sure he way to young to understand at that age what RESPONSIBILITY meant and I'm sure Shad at that young age could understand the full dynamics of this.. hmmmm I don't know maybe Steve and Shad can/Could understand this concept at an early age and then they gave u the green light to go ahead and adopt.I am sure that's not how it went but you make it seem since ur boys understood what you and Pastor John were doing and since Steve being oldest understood made your choice to adopt to be OK.Basically I was just stating that I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FAIR FOR YOUR BOYS TO HAVE TO TAKE CARE of SIBLINGS THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR. It really is none of my business how you and your family conduct your lives really...but when I read your post I sincerely felt bad that became of the choices you made your boys are now burdend by it...I say burden because it us not away raising disabled children it strains marriage as u know and just to pur that on your boys shoulder seems awful. Of course they wibt say -no don't want a part in caring foe them to you.But it is really not my businesses I just read it as you put it out for us to read and it steyxk a nerve I was put UB thus awful situation.Needless to say it didn't work after years if pain and turmoil and breaking family apart. But your family may be the ibes whim beat odds I wish ur future daughter in laws whom have to deal w rge burdens of your and pastor Johns choices the VERY BEST and gidgive your boys great strength they will need ur.I just found you to be selfish in your lost but hey you know ur family better than me ur anyone.I myself being me and knowing my kids/family I would never burden them with my choices. I say burden because I'd they didn't ask for it and its thrown to them ur is a burden. I live all my kids none of them are burdens in my family I just know I couldn't pass my other children to my older ones I have other family members whom are happy to take on the parental role.as I know my older ones need to Luce and experience life and make their way.So I wasn't looking to put your family plan down I just saw it strange (for me ur choice us since I want different for MY older kids).I hope and wish the best whenever that time comes since we r bit promised the next hour!

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  5. Oh I also hope that your 2adorable boys do live long lives to take care of the Clinton Clan...as I stated we are not even promised the next hour or day.Then what do you do?I'm sure you don't have all your eggs in one basket basically that what I meant Yvonne then what?But as I said its not my business but when you blog and lay it out it makes me feel like its OK to give my OPINION! Just an OPINION and sorry to all I am just learn my English and grammer us my weak point.I'm from Russia

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  6. We agree with you whole-heartedly. Our oldest son is 28 and engaged to a wonderful women who is thrilled to be getting 4 younger siblings when she and Ted marry soon. They don't look at our little ones as burdens. Rather, they see them as treasures even though one of our youngest children is very special needs and will require life-long care.

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