Perseverance...finishing strong!

Tonight I was looking at maps, reading a book about North Carolina, planning our upcoming vacation when Jon turned on the tv. Now as a disclaimer, I hate christian tv for the most part. There are a few people on that I know personally, like Arthlean Ripply (she has a local show), a friend of our's does a night show I'm told although I've never stayed up late enough to watch him, and I actually rather like Jim Bakker...so sue me....

But anyhow Jon turned it on TBN that I will normally only watch with him IF he is rubbing my back and I have a good book to read:) but there was a young man on from Steve Hill school(remember the Pensacola Revival) who was preaching! And it was truth....I told my husband we needed to play that Sunday morning1 The guy was basically saying QUIT saying you are a christian and you still living like the world..living with your baby's mama, smoking a little weed...etc....It was RIGHT ON! Then Steve Hill got up to share. Steve has been dealing with cancer for a few years now. He shared that with the audience and he shared realistically about what was going on. BUT his purpose is sharing was to talk about perseverance! He said he wanted to be remembered as a man who was faithful to God through the good times AND through the bad times! He shared how God uses him when he is at MD Anderson weekly, how he ministers to other patients and their families. He didn't give no big faith talk as in "I'm believing God for my healing" NO he radiated TRUST in God. He know he is in God's hand, what ever happens!!

Oh how the church needs to hear that message!!!!!!!!

Recently I knew a man, who had cancer. He desperately wanted to be healed. I do not blame him in anyway what so ever. He was only in his 40's, had a family, a ministry...plus he was going through terrible pain with the cancer. I read his blogs. While my heart went out to him in what he was going through...I felt troubled by his writings. there was alot of anger, even directed at God, there seemed to be alot of begging and going here and there for someone to pray for him for him to be healed. I even wondered how or if he was preparing his family, teens to deal with his possible death....There seemed to be little trust. I don't blame that man for all he was feeling and I'm sure God didn't either. I feel the blame lies with preachers, pastors, tv evangelists who focus so much on this earth and living here that we forget that we all are gonna die!

I look back at my own life. When I lost the twins, I felt like God had broke a promise to me! Now where on earth did I get that idea???? If you would have asked me straight out, I would have been shocked by that questions. I had great theology. I had a degree from Southeastern college in Bible. I wan't some flake, some "name it claim it" But in my heart, I felt like God owed me. Here I'd serve God all my life since I was a child. We were serving God on the mission field, in the inner city of NYC, and I should have been "covered by the Blood" & "under God's protection". Why not? I was "in the middle of God's will- the safest place to be" and yet, my children died, I almost died ...and I began to believe God had tricked me! He'd broke His promises...I became increasing bitter at God, the whole world....I had NO trust in God. I began to walk away from God, baby steps at first, then I began running away from God as hard as I cold all the while shaking my fist at God.....

So where did this idea come from that God owed me? From many ministers over the years who probably didn't examine their sermons very well. They wanted to excite people. They began to make all kinds of promises that God didn't make! You know what I mean..."come to Jesus, your life will never be the same..." In subtle ways, the message cam across, if you're living for God nothing bad is really ever going to happen to you...No they didn't come out and say that -at least most of them didn't - but it was there. It was there even in some of the newer Christian songs...It was there in the Christian circles "hey how are you? "I'm blessed and highly favored of the Lord" Well heck if you're blessed & highly favored of the Lord life is gonna be great right????

Well according to the Bible that is just NOT true. You can look in the OT at JOb! Or David, read the Psalms what outpouring of feelings....And since God allowed the Psalms to be in the Bible, He must be ok with people making negative confessions....Whew David is more real than I have ever been!! I just opened my Bible to Psalms 102 3-7 "For my days are consumed like smoke and my bones and burned like a hearth. My heart is stricken and withered like grass so that I forget to eat my bread because of the sound of my groaning my bones cling to my skin. I am like a pelican of the wilderness I am like an owl of the desert I lie awake and am like a sparrow alone on the housetop" WOW that is pretty rough huh??? But it is in the Bible!

Ok you can say that's the OT we live in NT times...ok...

My favorite verse in the bible, the one that is NEVER in the little "Bible Promise Books"...John 16:33...in this world you WILL have trouble....some versions read tribulations....There it is, Jesus said...You WILL have trouble in this world...but we are looking towards the world to come or shouldn't we be????? Look at Paul in 2 corthinians 11:23-29 Are they ministers of Christ I speak as a fool I am more in labors, more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequently ...3 times shipwrecks...in perils of waters, of robbers, in the city , among false brethren, often in hunger and thirst...besides the other things that come on me daily..." I think this is the scripture Steve Hill used tonight....

I don't hear that message very often do you? We share it, with our church...life is hard but God will walk with you even through "the valley of the shadow of death" Everyone wants to be delivered out of that valley but that's not how it works!

I want to be strong! I want to persevere to the end. I want to be faithful to God despite the trials that come my way. I want to live my life so that others can see that you can walk with God through the hard times. You can totally TRUST even when you don't get the answer you want. God is still on the throne although our world may fall apart....

So how did I turn around? It took a long time, years...hard times....but I began seeing God in a whole new light. so now I try to share that with others. god doesn't promise if you come to him, you get a shield that will protect you from every bad thing , every germ, every accident, every downsizing at work...but He will be your shield as you walk through life and He will give you the grace you need to face each day. It rains on the just & the unjust, we all live in a fallen world but the difference is this world is not our home, we are only passing through! We know who hold tomorrow and who will give us the grace we need.

You can trust God even when the tears are streaming down your face, I know cause I have tears alot but I know that God is with us! He can be with you too!

Discrimination!

For the first time in his life, Sam was a victim of discrimination....

I took the boys to get their hair cut yesterday at a shop. I had signed all three of them in and Shad was already in a chair. Sam was chirping, really excited cuz he loves to have his hair cut especially the razor part. Steve, Sam and me were sitting waiting and the next stylist walked over and asked for Steve. He was on the list next, but I had put them down in random order. I told her it's ok take Sam so he doesn't get antsy. She began to argue with me and tell me that Steve was next on the list. I said it's ok they are all my kids take Sam...then I caught on to what she meant. I looked up in her face and she had a look of total disgust on her face while looking at Sam! Then she asked me if he'd set still and I said yes, I'll hold him. But at this point I was staring daggers at her. Even Steve caught on to the fact this lady didn't want ot touch Sam. Then she very prissy said "well if he moves, I'll have to stop, that's store policy" She said it like she wanted to intimidate me. Well she picked the wrong mama! I told her that is fine, we will go somewheres eles, I don't want you to touch my son. She was a VERY put together person, every hair in place....thought she was too good to work on my disabled child! It was so clear what she thought of Sam.

I told her to go on we'd be leaving when Shad was done. Then I saw her in the mirror saying something to the manager and laughing. Well at that point I was ready to wipe the floor with her! But the manager came over and asked me what was wrong. I told her what happened and she apologized to me and offered to cut Sam's hair. She said the woman had given her another story but didn't tell me what that story was. She told me her brother was almost blind and had cornea problems. She sent the lady on a break and then began to talk more freely. She seemed intimidated by her staff. She handed me the lady's name and encouraged me to call their corporate office (which I was planning to do so anyhow) I did as soon as I got home and they are starting an investigation.

I know the words don't seem so bad, but the look on her face and in her eyes was so mean! She looked as if Sam just totally disgusted her! I mean yes Sam has eye problems and makes funny noises but he's the size of a 2 year old!!! It's not like he's a 6 ft drooling man who might grab her or something!!! Sam is a baby. He's the size of a toddler. He is so cute, how could someone act like that???

I almost cried after it was all over with and it hit me! What a total jerk this woman was! I wish I'd been alot more outspoken with her but I think I was so shocked by her reaction that it caught me off guard. I thought later when I was telling Jon about it it...that lady was like Miss Perfect but you know that can change in an instant. she could get sick or have a car wreak and become disabled. I wonder how she'd feel then? Would she want folks to show her compassion or disgust?

The bible even teaches if we show compassion then compassion is showed to us....wonder if she ever thougth about that????? I have no compassion for that lady ( and don't nobody tell me I should!!!!!!!!!!! and I mean that !!!!!!) But even before Sam, I had compassion for handicapped people. It made me sad not disgusted to see kids who through no fault of their own had issues. I can't even stand to see an animal suffer....I dont'know how someone like that can even work around other people. Surely that wasn't the first time her true colors came through and won't be the last!

One good thing, I am more saved than I think I am! I have to admit, talking about it, my first response would be to cuss her out or even hit her. That's what I feel like! But I did neither. I actually was very calm although my heart was racing! I'm thankful that my God responds took over and m=not my flesh cause I might be writing thias from the county lock up!!!!

I love Sam and am so proud to be his mommy! I'm so glad God gave him to us just the way he is!!!!When he makes all his sweet noises and hugs me, nothing could be more priceless to me!

In Christ Alone

Keith & Kristyn Getty "In Christ Alone"

Healing Faith etc......

Here we go again...

Today we had a couple visit our church. Nice couple..always glad to see new faces....BUT...my husband and I get socked with a whole rant of "word of faith" teaching on healing....

What is up with people who think they have all the answers to sickness/disease? Why MUST they bother us? Go find some children's hospital ward and clean it out if you have so much faith ....I get so tired of people (especially people who are NOT in full time ministry) who want to "share" with us scriptures about healing! Does my dear son bother you that much? I LOVE MY SON JUST THE WAY HE IS!!!!! I'd love to see your numbers on how many blind, brain damaged children you "healed" I imagine your numbers are about where mine and every one's else is at! ZERO!

Through this journey with Sam, I have had such a simple sweet trust in God to bring us through. I do not blame God nor do I question Him. God is good, even when times are rough. God has revealed Himself in such a sweet way as we've trusted HIM. So that part of my journey has been wonderful!

The part of the journey that totally SUCKS is when things happen like they did today. People who don't really have a leg to stand on bibiically, want to take scriptures and turn them into some type of silly formula that supposedly brings forth healing. I'm so glad my relationship and understanding of God is so much deeper and fuller than that. I believe God can heal, but it's not up to me who He heals. I'd love to be able to bring healing to everyone but that doesn't seem to be God's plan. Not everyone gets healed, in fact few people get a physical healing on this earth. Now I'm not talking about the time God healed your headache, or your toe nail...I mean true life changing healings...cancer, aids...etc....I think alot of what we call "healings" are nothing more than the body behaving as God intended for it to do and the headache goes away. I get so tired of people telling me how God healed their headache....Look in the Bible for bibically healing...no medical intervention, a total healing...Alot of times someone will say they've been healed of something, say cancer, but in fact they had surgery, chemo etc...that's not a bibical healing. Not to say that one shouldn't be thankful and grateful to God for any help but let's not degrade the term healing. Someone told me that Sam had received a healing for his eyesight when he had the implants. Now I am so grateful to God for the doctors and the wisdom they've learned BUT that is not a healing! I think God could do alot better than have me do 30 eyedrops a day if He healed Sam!

So WHY do people feel they have to share this "inside knowledge" with us? I've had some crazy things said to me over the years and I'm sure some people I know have wanted to say more but they stop because they KNOW not to go there with me!

Today was a great Sunday, everything was a go and so I speak to a new couple, we have a mutual friend and almost from the beginning of the conversation, I start to feel uncomfortable. I try to steer the conversation back to other things and to speak matter of factly about my son but the conversation keeps getting steered back into uncomfortable waters...I mean do I really what to have a theological debate a few minutes before church is to start? Anyhow I walk away and just try to forget the bad parts ...good service...we have a short prayer for Sam since he is having surgery this week (evidently Jon did not pray the prayer of faith for Sam)..Jon preached a good uplifting message...then after church, unbeknown to me, the husband gives a list of scriptures to Jon about healing etc and begins to lecture Jon...Jon let the guy know he had read Kenneth Hagin too (and was so passed all of that!)....It really made my husband mad too...Here you've never met us before and you begin to show how more "spiritual " you are to us. You don't live our life! You have no idea what we've walked through!

You know it looks so foolish to me and to the watching world...all the silly Christians who run around like chickens with their heads cut off claiming this and that, taking authority over this or that when they have no more authority or spiritual growth than the man in the moon! I'm so glad that my relationship with God is not one of a frantic little human who has to repeat a mantra over and over again until God takes pity on me! I trust God even when I don't understand, even when the winds are blowing...and I treasure the fact that I can trust God through it all! It's taken time for me to get anywhere near that point and it's only through his grace that I'm able to do so!

Anyhow I just had to vent...

This is from Sam's caringbridge page...for Mother's Day....





Happy Mother's Day!
I love being a mom & I love being a mom to my Sam! Being a mom to Stephen was always so easy, never any real problems, from his birth on he's been "Even Stephen". We always felt God gave us Steve to ease us into parenthood. He was such an easy baby/toddler/preschooler/ elementary now middle school kid- soon to be HIGH school. But being a mom to Sam has taught me so much! I feel like I grew up and put on "big girl panties" with Sam. The responsibilities from the pregnancy on have been mind blowing. I feel like I've had the responsibility of his very life in my hands and that is a heavy load. I am thankful that God has been beside me all the way, cause I don't know how I would have handled things without Him!

You get use to all the meds, doctor trips, machines...you're the mom. I've seen it with other families who deal with mucy harder issues than we do, you do whatever you have to do in order to take care of your child! It just become a part of the "new" normal" for your life!

I'm so thankful that God entrusted us with Sam, every day is a gift, every laugh, every snuggle...sometimes I just hold him close to me and kiss him on the top of his head and my heart overflows with gratitude to God who gave me such a wonderful blessing! It's not been the easiest path, but I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars! There are parts, I'm glad I don't have to relive-you couldn't pay me to go through his first year again! That was rough but I wouldn't trade it!!!

May 19th Sam has an EUA (exam under anesthesia) scheduled in Miami. It's not really a surgery, Sam is just put under for an hour or two at the most for various eye exams. It's the only way to take a picture of the optic nerve and we have to constantly compare the picture, from the previous picture to make sure there are no glaucoma issues causing damage to the nerve. With an EUA it is possible to examine every little part of his eye and make sure all is well. It is necessary but I HATE it!!!!!!!!


It's scary for anyone to go under anesthesia but with Sam there are so many issues. It's always a stressful time for me and I make it stressful for everyone involved! He has to get in early so he doesn't go too long without eating/drink cause of his hypoglycemia. And sometimes being under anesthesia messes him up no matter how perfect the timing is. The last time he was under in August, he ended up back in the hospital when we got back home for 3 days. Miami Bascom Palmer is great but they are a teaching hospital and sometimes, try to use NON board certified anesthesiologists on him. Once I stopped them as they were taking him into surgery and insisted on a board certified doctor. (non board certified don't mean they are not doctors, just that they haven't taken their boards yet) As you can imagine, I'm not the most popular mommy that comes in!!!!! The head of anesthesiology once wrote in an email (that I accidentally read) that I was neurotic!!!!! Let me tell you, we had a "come to Jesus" meeting !!!!! Sometimes when a doctor deals with non life threatening health issues, they don't always look at the BIG picture so God has placed me there to help them at least in Sam's case!!!! I'm not saying that they are bad doctors, JUST that 99% of their patients have no other issues....so it's easy to think of things as routine when they are not! I had shared that email with our favorite doctor down there and he was laughing and saying how he felt sorry for the guy when I got ahold of him! It was pretty bad. Jon still laughs about it and says I FINALLY have a diagnosis for myself, I'm neurotic!!!!!! I've had to do CPR on my son, hook him to a machine evey night and watch him have seizures...I have EVERY right to be neurotic!!!!!!!!!!

So there is a lump in my tummy thinking about the EUA in a week and a half! Good news is that there is finally a decent hotel near the hospital. In the past 6 years, for the most part we have stayed at we lovingly call "the Roach Inn'. Because of traffic and where the hospital is at, it is so much easier to stay by it! Bascom Palmer (BP) in on the University of Miami's medical campus. There are about 20 large hospitals on the large campus. Everything from Jackson Memorial, to a mental hospital, a Parkinson's hospital Cancer, Ceder's Sinai....etc......The whole campus is in the HOOD!! It borders Little Havana to the East and Liberty City to the south. It's in the corner of I-95 and the Dolphin "Expressway" and the bridges to take you across to the beach. A few times we've stayed over at the beach but it's just too far in the mornings and a couple times we've stayed by the airport which is only a few exits to the west but if there is bad traffic, it would be impossible to be there on time plus on the day of surgery, it's a pain to have to pack up your room and get to BP by 6 or 7 am...But now there is a Harriot Suite within walking distance (not that you'd want to walk cuz there are some rough folks out there!) I remember the first time we went down knowing how often we'd be going (they told us to count on coming at least once a month) and I cried cause I just didn't think I could do it!!!!! It is not the Miami of Miami Beach!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyhow I'm so thankful to have a safe nice new hotel to stay in. It even has shuttle service for the 3/10 of a mile so I could leave the hotel room with Sam and they can pack up the room and then come and join me at the hospital (y'all know you have to gt there so much earlier than when the surgery actually begins) And it's only $109 a night- the Roach Inn was $80 a night and I can't tell you how rough it was! Even tho most of the customers were people associated with one of the hospitals, not everyone was....we'd just check in and go stay in our room after we thoroughly sprayed it with Lysol!!! Anyhow this takes alot of stress off me!!!!! I could even go by myself if I had to. I did go one time for some appointments by myself (and Steve) a few years ago but it was unnerving. And y'all know I'm NO wimp!!!!!!!! It is a rough place for a hospital!!!!!!

So that's what up with us! I'll let you know how his EUA went. Please keep him in your prayers that all is well. We only have one eye that is functional now and it wuld break my heart if soemthing went wrong with it! That's why we faithfully do 30 eye drops a day. When I get frustrated by trying to get them all done, I remind myself, how blessed we are to have the option to take care of his sight! What if nothing couldhave been doen and he was completely blind???? I'm thankful for the sight he has!!!!!!

Change- the Tea party

Wow there is so many different things on my mind...I have a friend and she & I say we could solve all the world's problems if we could just rule it for a day...hahaha but sometimes I just want to fix things! I can think of several people's lives I wish I could change for them and set them on the right road in different areas....I wish I could change my country for sure!!!! Oh but I can do that! It takes one person at a time combined with others to see TRUE change in this country. My brother recently sent me an email with the heading "Three things to thank Obama for" Well my brother is taking chemo right now so I thought maybe his dosage had been upped and was messing with his brain cuz he is a STRONG conservative!!! But when I opened it and read it...one thing stuck out to me, Obama's time as president has brought together the people in this country in away I've never seen before!

The Tea party movement and the 9/12 project! This movement, only a year old, has made an impact already on this country. I know some of my religious spiritual friends say "well I'm just gonna pray for our country" It is good to pray BUT I can promise you that our Founding Fathers did ALOT more than just pray!!! They took the action they deemed necessary to throw the English out of this country! Some people take the position that God puts into authority those He wants....I'm not sure that a democracy -where people with FREE WILL - vote is exactly what the Bible is talking about. I know that God knew Obama would be elected but I can't imagine that that would be God's "perfect " will. God allowed Hitler to reign in Germany but that does not mean that was God's will....And it took the USA to bring about a change! I think sometimes we get our Christianity and politics a little screwed up!!!!

America is standing at a crossroads today like never before. It's been coming for a long time since the 60's but this is the shinning hour for the left. They hate our form of government. They want our lives from the cradle to the grave, controlled by the government! But that is not America! I have friends from other countries who barely can grasp the freedoms we have in the USA for health care, decisions for our children, etc...I don't want the government telling me what to do! It's as simple as that. Our founding fathers did not want the government to tell them what to do either.

It's time for us to stand up and let our voice be heard WHILE we still can!!!! So if you are wondering what you should do, get involved...find your area Tea Party, 9/12 project (usually they are combined) look on line, that's what we did. Make your voice heard. Take back this country. I don't want our health care, our fiances, our speech, controlled by the government and I'm sure you don't either!!!

I'm excited about the change that is coming. I love the fact that the old politicians on the left & right are worried about their positions...Let there be change, get rid of all the old politicians who have been there for decades! Term limits!!!!!

Come be a part of history!!!!

Disney

Some pictures from Disney, the kids loved it. Shad had never been so he even like the parade. He really liked all the roller coasters. He's a brave kid for 6 years old, or too stupid to be scared:) Shad & Steve did alot of running around together. Folks I'm telling you have one kid early on and then wait 10 years and have the others:) It works out so well to have a built in baby sitter! Hey maybe the Duggers have it right!!! Going on the roller coasters really hurt Steve's back I ended up having to take him to the doctor for it.

We had some issues with Sam's handicaped status!!! Just because he is so little, I don't think people understand all his limitations. It was a mess. They offered us another dsy, free and I wrote an email to the head dept of Disney. I was so upset by the treatment we got, I hope no one else would have the same thing happen to them! But other than that the day was fine. Espicially for Steve & Shad!

More pics from HRSP

More pictures from our day at the river. I love going but I have no envy for the campers! I like to be able to come home to my cool & clean house. I'm an outdoor girl but not one for camping! Too many bugs & skeeters! I can stay outside all day but I want to know I can come home to a clean shower and a/c! Today the mosquitoes were so bad we had to go and buy spray and the little store. I really don't like spraying chemicals all over us but it beat the alternative! But it was beautiful today so it was worth it. We got a good hour hike in, thank goodness for the jogging stroller, it can go over everything. Sam loves for us to walk him, he sang/hummed a little song to us today so sweet!

Hillsborough River State Park trip 4/8/10

We had lunch then we went to the HRSP. This year we bought a year pass to the Florida State Parks and since HRSP is only about 10 miles from our house, it comes in handy. It's only about 4 miles from the prison so Jon can go and walk there during his lunch break. Most of the trails are very shady and cool, well as cool as it can get in Florida. We saw a big alligator today and some turtles. I'd love to be out there at night with a flashlight, I bet you'd be see alot of red eyes in the River. Red eyes are the alligator's reflection. We used to live on a lake and it was something at night to count the alligators! I like HRSP, it actually has a small rapids, that you can walk to. It's so pretty & peaceful!

Pics from our Easter Lunch and the new chairs for the church!

Sunday was fun and worked great in the new hall. It was so nice to have lunch in a cool clean new fellowship hall! I loved the big serving areas and we had hookups for crock pots and warmers! Yeah! Fun!

Today the new chairs are in the back of the sanctuary until we can get the pews out. Hoepfully we can sell them on Craigslist!

Easter 2010

Easter was great! Sam & the other boys loved their Easter baskets. For the first time Sam to some small extent, hunted Easter Eggs. He held his basket and would pick up an egg when Sam would take him to it. He was laughing alot. We had a great lunch at the church in the new fellowship hall and then we went over to some friends home and the boys played in the pool. Shad was so cold he turned blue but he wouldn't stay out of the pool.

The night before Easter Shad decided the barber had not done a good enough job on his hair so he cut it for himself! He has 3 huge chunks missing!!! I didn't mind so much that he did it but he would not tell the truth for the longest time. That really bothered me. There was black hair all over the bathroom counter & floor and eh was standing there with chunks out of his hair telling me he didn't do nothing...I sent him to bed and didn't let hi help with the Easter eggs for the egg hunt. I hope he learned to tell the truth!

We have new chairs for our church given to us by another church in this area! Yeah They are burgany & match the carpet better than the old pews did. I'm trying to sell the old pews on craigslist. If they don't sell soon, off to the dump or Habit for Humanity they go!!! When all the remodelling is done in the church, we'll have green chairs and these will go in the fellowship hall. It all worked out well. It's exciting to see things happen around here!!

By the end of this month, the work should begin on the parsonage roof and hopefully next month on the church. It's exciting to see our dream/vision for this church's facilities come to pass!!!

Easter Baskets- what I learned....

Early this week I was shopping for the boys' Easter baskets. I always make their own as they like certain candy and it's just more fun for us. I usually don't make Sam one. He doesn't like anything sweet except some real fruit. It's really hard to do some of the more traditional things with/for him. Even Christmas, he doesn't understand opening presents and usually gets rather bothered by all the noise confusion...

So I started getting very upset in Walmart! As I was walking around, I was so sad about life and Sam's disabilities...it swept over me like a flood. I was in the candy aisle battling tears & anger and really trying to deal with my emotions. I haven't had anything like that hit me for awhile! It makes me MAD that he can't enjoy all the things all the other kids do!!!!!! Not that I want him rotting out his teeth with candy but I want him to be NORMAL!!!!!! And that is never gonna happen-it's so hard to deal with sometimes!!

As I was trying to deal with all of this in my heart, I thought about the things that Sam does enjoy and began focusing on the things he loves and I had an inspiration...I filled his basket with cans of black eye peas, soup, a ball and some toys for the bath tub. So I chose to focus on those things that make him happy and not be overwhelmed with the "normal kid things" that he doesn't care about and it really helped me.

Sure I'm still a bit sad, all holidays do this to me because he doesn't react like all the other kids but he's my boy & I would have chosen HIM over all the other kids in the world anyhow so it just makes him unique!

So focus your life on the positives rather than the negatives and believe me it will help. There are many things we can't change but we can learn to roll with life's punches- it makes life easier....

Being Real

Being Real is very important to me! When I see people who are not real it just turns my stomach whether it's Hollywood or Washington or Church! The hardest for me to deal with is people who are not real in the "church world". As a Pastor's wife I meet all kinds of ministers/missionaries/church leaders and it is so obvious when they are people who are not real. Nowadays it's all about doing ministry in certain ways, are you traditional, seeker sensitive, servant evangelism, "the Way of the Master"? Have you read this one's new book or tried this strategy...? Did you go to this seminar or that one? I know people who use some of these different approaches who are REAL people, and then others who just want to be somebody, the next big mega church leader.

Celebrity ministry is just not something I'm comfortable with. You know what I mean, the big names, the STARS of the Christian world. It makes me uncomfortable. I've gone many different types of meetings and have always tried to be open but I'm to the point in my life that I'm just not interested in being open or going to anything like that anymore.

I may be wrong but in the coming days in America, I do think the Church World is gonna be shaken. I feel that somethings are about to happen in this government, economy that is going to shake this country and the whole world. And I believe when that happens, all the slick talking ministries are going to crumble and what will be left is the local churches.

I'm not saying that every well known preacher/ministry is from the devil and not saved but I do feel that there is a tendency to run these big ministries like they are corporations and the ministry leader is the CEO. And many times a very prideful, showy attitude comes through. People who are NOT saved often see it before Christians and are so turned off by it! That said, we did go to a mega church for many years and it may have been run in some ways as a corporation but the people were real. There are things large churches and ministries can do for the Kingdom that a smaller ministry/church just can't do. So I'm not saying that they are all evil. I'm mostly talking about ministries who are not connected nor under any type of boards/other ministers.

I really hate the attitude of the celebrity ministry. I'm not really that keen on the sparkle, the big "manifestations", who can preach the loudest or have the most spine chilling stories... I really hate emotionalism, being worked up! I go in the opposite direction every time!!! It gets old when you deal with real life everyday!

I've had crazy things happen to me but I don't go around yelling and telling folks about it unless I feel I should. When I was in China, I was escorted back by an angel! It's the wildest thing that has ever happened to me and I still second guess myself to see if it really happened the way I think it did!!! When I hear some folks share, they give the impression they have all kinds of things happen to them daily. Even the disciples in the NT only had only a few encounters with angels, miracles etc...most of what they encountered was persecution, travel and lots of work! But in this day and age, persecution and work does rate high on the sermon titles!!!

So it really annoys me when I see that celebrity mindset! I've determined that as much as possible, I'm not going to be a part of anything like that. There's a balance in everything and I truly believe "All extremes are dysfunctional". I learned that at SEC and that's the one thing I've never forgot! Four years of college and I remember that the most! So anyhow I want to be balanced, but I am not going to be a part of something when I feel the balance is off. I'm not going to contribute by watching something on tv or going to a meeting or reading a book (well I might read it but it would NOT be the reason for what it was written- I would read it only to see what it said, NOT to apply it to my life!)

My life is real and raw. It's not a bad life at all but I just don't have time for silliness or "foolishness or mayhem"! Our church is very grace orientated but not as a gimmick, but just because that is who we are. We can't be anyone else. My husband is not gonna dress like he's a teenager and spike his hair a certain way to look more hip (that always cracks me up when I see ministers trying to look like the youth pastor) but he is not gonna just wear a suit & tie all the time either (in fact he really doesn't wear a suit and tie anymore at all except for funerals & weddings!) We don't force our kids in anyway to be different than anyone else except in their hearts & morality issues. Like any responsible parent we monitor what our kids watch on tv or go and see at the movies but we also try to teach them to monitor themselves!

So be REAL folks! Don't try to HYPE things up! It SHOWS when you do!!!!

Sam said STEVE!!!!

Tonight we were getting ready to leave my father in law's house and Sam was all excited, he'd been playing on the floor with Steve. We were saying how much Sam loves Steve and I said, "Does Sam want Steve and Sam said STEVE!!!!!!! There was no doubt in our minds that he said it. Then just a couple of minutes later, Jon picked him up and he tried to slide down Jon's front and clearly said Steve again as if he was wanting Steve to pick him up instead of Jon. Since we've been home he has said STEVE a few more times!!!!

This is a huge breakthrough for Sam. We are in AWE of this!!!!

Having said that, there are times when Sam learns something, a new skill and he forgets it for awhile, but he does come back to it so even if this is a one day thing, he has it in his mind now! He has learned then forgotten several things like clapping his hands on cue, somersaulting, but the skills always come back some months later....

So we are a happy bunch tonight! Sam knew I needed some encouragement!!!!

A Day in the life of a Special Needs Mom!

I haven't been writing much on my blog. Between Facebook and Sam's caringbridge page, I write a bit so I kinda get the bug out of my system but I'd like to be more regular in my writings....

So alot is going on in my life right now, the regular stuff with the family, I'm starting a garden and learning how to be more self sufficient(aka GREEN) and now our church has started the renovations it so badly needs. Everything is good and exciting but it can get a bit overwhelming!

I thought being a stay at home mom would be easy and I guess it would with a regular child but Sam....We have teachers who come every day so my house has to be straighten up. Sam can't be "left to his own devices" at all so I'm always closely supervision and interacting with him. My other boys were very easy in this aspect as they could play for hours on their own. Sam can play on his own some but think about a 1 yr old...that's about where he is so there has to be much more supervision than with a regular 6 yr old. He walks some but outside the home, I have to carry him alot and work with him as he gets easily upset/distracted/bothered. Just going to pick up the other boys from school is an ordeal. First I have to change him out of his zip up pj's . He wears them cause that is the only way I can keep him from having poop parties! Then I have to fight him to get him in shoes, make him walk to the van then put him in cause he can't climb up. As soon as he is in he is fighting to get his shoes off. The ride is fine but he gets upset waiting in the pick up area. If the car is not moving Sam is upset, same way in traffic, at red lights....I'm overwhelmed by the time I get the boys! I'm so thankful for Steve. He gets Sam out at home and usually swings him on his swing which calms him so I can get some things done!

It's hard in a way I could never imagine or really explain properly, it's like living GROUNDHOG DAY over and over...Sam has not progressed in years and probably won't progress beyond this point. Which is fine with us we adore him but it is alot of work! I have no one besides Steve and Jon to help me with Sam. I've looked into respite care but I'm not sure I could leave him with a stranger. Plus I wouldn't trust them with his eye meds...I love being with Sam and most of the time, really ENJOY it but I wish he could show a little progress! When I think of the future it is so scary to me, Will he always be a toddler? When he's 20 and I'm 60 ??? Thank God he's a midget!!!!!! Sometimes I get mad when I get the impression from people that I do nothing but stay home all day! Listen, I used to be a probation officer supervisor and not have the responsibility I do now!! It's a different type of responsibility but it's more heavy than anything I've ever dealt with before!

Everything is an ordeal because we have to think about how Sam might react. There are some restaurants we don't go to because he cant handle the noise/echo factor. He flips out in Cracker Barrels, Sonny's, any place that echos...and he can't deal with waiting in line for anything. We don't like him to be in any crowed place because of germs. When we go out to eat, I take my trusty Lysol or Clorox wipes and wipe down the highchair and table because of the germs. And we always set him between us because it takes both of us to feed him and keep him occupied.

On Fridays we try and schedule appointments and do errands so Sam doesn't have to go because it's such an ordeal. Next week I have a doctor's appointment and Jon can't get off, so I have to take Sam. I'm sure that's gonna be a pretty picture! Poor doc will probably go crazy. Sam doens' do good in doctor's offices, high ceilings, waits...it's rough! He's so little people just think I have a cranky baby but sometimes he gets so wound up it is embarrassing! We have a relative who is going through some health issues and others don't understand why we can't be there more....well it frustrates me because I feel no one understands our life! No one has any idea of what we have to do in order to make it through, just day to day life! One time somebody told em that I make it look so easy to deal with a special needs child...I just looked at the person and thought "you have no idea of what it takes "

Since Sam is 6 years old, I have learned do's and don'ts and I live by HIS way because it just makes life easier not to try and fit him in a mold. We don't make him perform, we flex with him so it's easier for all of us. We do most of the things we used to do, we just do them differently...When we go out to eat, we go somewheres he can handle and if there is a wait, one of us walks him in his stroller until his food is on the table. And it doesn't matter who we have with us, Sam comes first. Often we have guest speakers that we take out to eat, but we do it on Sam's rules:) We still go on vacation, we just gear it around Sam's needs. He can't get his head wet so we don't do water parks as a family anymore, nor do we do anything that requires waiting in line. Thankfully the theme parks have handicapped lines and that's what we are planning to try next month when we go to Disney. If we go to the beach, after a while one of us has to bring Sam back into the room so we stay right on the beach and keep everything close.

We take his snacks and drinks. I just learned to take straws with me as Sam can't drink from a cup and not every wheres has straws anymore! I learned that at Hillsborough State Park at the snack area. I had to give him sips out of the round top of the juice bottle I bought for him.

So I don't mean to whine, so many others have it so much harder than we do and Sam's such a roly-poly joy but there are times when I feel the pressures around me and wonder HOW can I do everything that I need to do? I can't be as involved in the boys' school as I'd like. I JUST had a real conversation with Shad's teacher and half the year is over!!! I was much more involved in Steve's school when we just had Steve and I worked full time!!! I feel guilty about not being there for them as much as I'd like to. Steve was in 3rd grade before he went on a field trip alone! Now those two do all of their stuff without us. With Jon working two jobs and me with Sam....We did make it to most of Steve's basketball games although there were a few, that Sam just couldn't handle and me and him sat outside but at least we were there!!!

I'm not involved in the church as much as I'd like to be. Either Steve or I have to be out with Sam after the singing. He can't stay in service unless he falls asleep, plus there is his eyedrops which usually got out of whack on Sundays anyhow! Even doing simple things like Ladies Ministry is often more than I can handle. And also sometimes I feel so raw, that I don't feel like being all positive and uplifting!

Life is very complicated for us. It's worth it to have our little Sam but it's not easy. I've always had to have my ME time just to read or walk around the mall, or whatever and that's pretty much gone. When I do go out even if it's to get groceries, I feel guilty and anxious because I've left Sam. Now that Steve is 14 yrs old and so responsible, we do let him keep the little boys while I run to the store while Jon is at work but I'm calling every few minutes. It is easier than having to take them all with me or waiting until Jon is home from work.

Anyhow I've whined my limit...I try not to whine much as I see so many other familes going thorugh things and I realize in many ways we have it easy...but sometimes I need to vent!

Church Renovations

Here are some pics of the work that is going on here at Grace Church. Our old Sunday School rooms/church kitchen has been gutted to make a big new Fellowship Hall and new church kitchen! WooHOO!!!! It's gonna be green and cream to match the church (when it is redone) The tile is in and some of the cabinets. I've picked out some green carpet and can't wait until it's laid:) The big room will be used for children's church on Sunday mornings and the Teen's service on Sunday night. Of course when all the work is being done on the main building, we may have our services in there for a month or so. It's exciting to see things happen around here!!

When we came here four years ago it was so disheartening to see all the junk and decay. But people have pulled together and done alot although there is alot to do. I should have taken pictures from day one but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. But when all the junk was taken away it was better. We have done alot of cleaning out and throwing away.

Looking forward to getting the work done on the church!

Square Foot Gardens

I'm so excited this week we put in 2 Square Foot Gardens. They are raised beds that are 4 ft by 4 ft. So it's equal to 16 square feet. I put in dividers and have 16 little sections in each garden. We're gonna put in one more next week. It was alot of work but it looks neat and pretty. supposedly now all the work is done except for watering and harvesting:) Let us hope so as I was barely able to roll out of bed this morning. However 3 advils, 3 aspirins, a hot shower, heating pad and a Pepsi has got me back to normal!

I love having these done. It was a goal I had for this year so we'd eat healthier and learn about being self sufficient!

Well I've cleared out our house of anything we don't use or need and cleaned out all our storage stuff. This weekend I'm going to have a yardsale for us and for our church. I'm selling just a few of the kid's toys to make money to buy Sam some expensive therapy toys but everything else is going to the church's remodeling campaign!

I've also taken alot of my clothes/shoes/household stuff I no longer use or want to a consignment shop. I made $17 lst month and I only had stuff in for a few days:) So it's fun to get all this stuff done:) I feel so on top of things and organized.

Last weekend we built a grill with concert blocks. It was fun and the boys really liked doing it. Then we cooked out on it that night. They are so proud of their grill and it worked great!

So we are on our way to being a country family:)

Emergency Preparation----Living Green

Ok I'll start this blog by saying ..."I am NOT a KOOK". that being said....

Emergency Preparation, living self-sustaining...whatever you want to call it...

I have felt in the past couple of years that we should be more self sufficient as a family. There are so many things going on in the world, politically, natural disasters, threats of terrorism and pandemics, that it pays to be prepared. Ultimately no one can prepare for everything that could happen and our lives are in God's hands but you can make wise decisions that can benefit your family.

So I've started reading books, looking on the Internet and watching some TV shows about being self substantiable and more green. It's interesting to me that so many different kinds of people are saying the same thing. You got people who are FAR left and FAR right as well as people in the middle saying "Be Prepared" We all saw the lesson of Hurricane Katrina where thousands of folks, did nothing to prepare and trusted the government to meet all their needs, and the government couldn't right away. I remember when the first hurricane of '04 was turning towards us and how it went from a small category 2 hurricane to a category 4 in a matter of minutes and how it changed course! I felt true fear as I rushed out to get a few things and there were only a few stores opened and they had nothing. I was unprepared. I don't want to be like that ever again.

So I've been going through all our stuff, to remove clutter. With 3 kids, there is plenty of clutter. I've cleaned out all the rooms, closets and drawers. Why? to make room for provisions for our family. I've still got to go through our storage stuff and I'm gonna have a personal yard sale or just donate our stuff to the church and have a church yard sale.

I've been making a list of things we need in case of an emergency situation that would last for a month or so...What if there was a disruption in trucking and the stores didn't have anything on the shelves? Or the grid was down and the electricity failed for a few weeks? We lived without electricity for 8 days with the last hurricane of '04 and it was hard. We didn't have any in our home nor could you get gas, the pumps didn't work, the stores were closed down...it was rough!

So I have a list and now have space to put the new stuff. So I'm planning to use some of our tax return to stock up on canned goods and supplies. In the next few days,I have an appointment with a company to put a hand pump on our well so if the electricity is out, we can still have water. I have a lady coming to help me set up 2 box gardens for fresh veggies and fruit. They will be 4 ft by 4 ft and have 16 boxes each. In each box I can plant a different vegetable or fruit. One garden should be able to feed a family of 4 for a year. So I'm doubling up. I'm also looking into some fruit trees. I've thought about getting some chickens but....I have an extra month's supply of Sam's meds and I'm going to stock up on at least a month's supply of Pedisure!

Ultimately I trust God to provide but I've felt this stirring inside for awhile now, to be prepared. Having 3 children makes you think more responsibly also! It's important to be able to meet their basic needs. It's funny, but I've meet all kinds of people who are doing the same thing, they feel uneasy and realize they need to be prepared for a disaster.

I'd love to have a "green" home with solar power and all that good stuff but I can't afford that. So I'm doing what I can to be self sufficent!

Rainy Day thoughts on Contentment

Listening to music, lots of thoughts just drifting around in my mind. Rainy days are comforting to me, makes me feel cozy.

Life is funny, the way different places/people come back into your life. I've had that experience several times. It's funny to me that we are pastoring this church that I attended as a student at SEC. I would have never chosen this, I saw us as working in the urban setting. Funny how having kids can change life. For years Jon and I felt restless, we didn't want to put down roots. Never wanted to buy a house, it would be too much trouble if we moved. We were always looking at different opportunities. I think we thought we might end up back in New York or working in a large city with Teen Challenge. We interviewed different places but nothing seemed right. Then God opened the door to this little church. And Jon was able to transfer to the prison here in town as the chaplain. It's just nice. Recently we were offered a possibility and both of us had no desire to interview for it. It just wasn't something we felt to look into.

Why, because we are content with life right now. We never want to be stuck in the mud, or unable to change but being content is a good feeling. Knowing you are right where God wants you to be at this juncture of life. I always look at life as an adventure, not a destination and time could change us, move us but NOW is nice. The Bible teaches us to be content "in whatever state we find ourselves in". We used to laugh when we traveled so much over that scripture:) But it is so true. I know people who are not content with their job. home. spouse, etc...and those are some unhappy people.

So be content where God has placed you. If you are in the wrong place in life, whether that is geographically or spiritually, find your way back to where God wants you to be.

All the way, My Savior leads....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IttW3GRRGXI


All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide

all the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread'
gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread

You lead me and keep me freom falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy witll follow me

All the way my Savior leads me
O the fullness of His love
O the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way...

What else needs to be said...????

Facebook

I love FB- it has helped me to reconnect to a bunch of friends and connect to a few new ones. Right now I have 415 friends. I have friends from my home town, college days and ministry friends. I also have friends who have kids with vision/health problems like my Sam. It's so neat to be able to connect with these folks by FB:)

On the left of everyone's FB page is a section called friends, it tells how many you have and shows a random selection of six of them. Right now on my Fb page I have some heros...One is a mother of multiples, the next is a youth pastor who just lost her baby girl, the next one is a mom to 10 international adopted kids as well as 4 biological and is a breast cancer survivor. The next picture is an Assembly of God missionary/teacher who is awesome. He just lost his mom in a car accident. The next is a pastor who has his 2 beautiful adopted daughters from China as his picture.. WOW what stories these folks have to tell of the faithfulness of God!! I love looking at my friend's pictures. Sometimes I whisper a prayer for them, sometimes I laugh (LOL) and think of a crazy story about them....It's great to connect with people.

For the first time I learned of a friend's death on FB. A man my age who I'd gone to SEC with years ago. Friends were able to write things on his wall and thank him for being their friend. Without FB, I wouldn't have reconnected with him. He lived in another state and we'd lost touch. As it was, I actually had a "chat" with him on FB a few months ago and I could tell he was still faithful to God.

I've also had a SEC reunion at my church last August that happened following our church bi-annual meeting. Lots of our friends were still down in Florida and were able to come and see each other. This weekend I'm meeting with a group of Lakeland friends to go out to eat with a friend from up north who is coming down to Florida for a visit. That wouldn't have happened without FB.

Last week while we were in Palm Beach we reconnected with a couple who pastored in my town while I was growing up, again without FB it wouldn't have happened!

So I think Fb and the other ways folks connect, Twitter, MySpace, IM, texting are great ways to stay in touch!

Reflections...

Sometimes I wonder about myself. Everything is so complicated to me. I have to take everything apart and examine it. there are MANY times when I wish I was a simpler person. I'm not saying I'm some huge intellect and so much smarter than everyone else...I just have to anazlye EVERYTHING! Especially if it's a spiritual matter. Being raised in a very legalistic setting always made me ask "WHY?" whether it was to a family member, a Sunday school teacher or just in my head.

I have many friends who have never wrestled with spiritual issues like I have. They are able to accept things without questions or doubts...I can't even imagine! I wrestle constantly. Not about sin issues, to me that's pretty cut and dried (except for the lottery...DON'T ASK!) I don't really struggle with whether God is real or not. I believe He is real. What I struggle with is more how involved He is in our day to day lives and doctrinal issues. Being raised Pentecostal all my life, I can tell you some crazy stories....I could write a book about odd people and things that I've experienced and seen. What I find I have to do is to separate man and man's ways/thoughts from God.

It always scares me when someone is so dogmatic that they think if it's not the exact way they believe, then you are wrong. I'm not really talking about major doctrinal stuff or what we'd called "the essentials of salvation". In our denomination we had what we call the 16 fundamental truths.... I highlighted the four that are designated as our 'core values" or what makes the Assembly of God unique

Our Beliefs


Our 16 Fundamental Truths


1. We Believe .... The Scriptures are inspired by God and declare His design and plan for mankind.

2. We Believe .... There is only One True God-revealed in three persons ... Father, Son,and Holy Spirit ( commonly known as the Trinity ).

3. We Believe .... In the Deity of the Lord Jesus Christ. As God's son Jesus was both human and Divine.

4. We Believe .... though originally good , Man Willingly Feel to Sin - ushering evil and death,both physical and spiritual, into the world.

5. We Believe .... Every Person Can Have Restored Fellowship with God Through 'Salvation'(accepting Christ's offer of forgiveness for sin).

6. We Believe .... and practice two ordinances-(1) Water Baptism by immersion after repenting of one's sins and receiving Christ's gift of salvation, and (2) Holy Communion (the Lord's supper) as a symbolic remembrance of Christ's suffering and death for our salvation.

7. We Believe .... the Baptism in the Holy Spirit is a Special Experience Following Salvation that empowers believers for witnessing and effective service, just as it did in New Testament times.

8. We Believe .... The initial Physical Evidence of the Baptism in the Holy Spirit is 'Speaking in Tongues,' as experienced on the Day of Pentecost and referenced throughout Acts and the Epistles.

9. We Believe .... Sanctification Initially Occurs at Salvation and is not only a declaration that a believer is holy, but also a progressive lifelong process of separating from evil as believers continually draw closer to God and become more Chrislike.

10. We Believe .... The Church has a Mission to seek and save all who are lost in sin. We believe ' the Church' is the Body of Christ and consists of the people who, though out time, have accepted God's offer of redemption (regardless of religious denomination ) through the sacrificial death of His Son Jesus Christ.

11. We Believe .... A Divinely Called and Scriturally Ordained Leadership Ministry Serves the Church.The Bible teaches us each of us under leadership must commit ourselves to reach others for Christ, to worship Him with other believers , and to build up or edify the body of believers- the Church.

12. We Believe .... Divine Healing of the Sick is a privilege for Christians Today and is provided for in Christ's atonement ( His sacrificial death on the cross for our sins ).

13. We Believe .... in The Blessed Hope - When Jesus Raptures His Church Prior to His Return to Earth ( the second coming ). At this future moment in time all believers who died will rise from their graves and will meet the Lord in the air , and Christians who are alive will be caught up with them , to be with the Lord forever.

14. We Believe .... in The Millennial Reign of Christ when Jesus returns with His Saints at His second coming and begins His benevolent rule over earth for 1,000 years. This will bring the salvation of national Israel and the establishment of universal peace .

15. We Believe .... A Final judgement Will Take Place for those who have rejected Christ. They will be judged for their sin and consigned to eternal punishment in a punishing lake of fire.

16. We Believe .... and look forward to the perfect New Heaven and a New Earth that Christ is preparing for all people , of all time, who have accepted Him. We will live and dwell with Him there forever following His millennial reign on Earth.' And so shall we forever be with the Lord!'

I personally struggle with #12-Divine Healing being provided for in the Atonement. I believe that through Jesus' death, there can be physical healing and I'm glad about the wording, that it is provided for not that it is a given. There are so many folks who feel like if they say the right formula or do enough works, God will HAVE to heal them. I could go on a long discourse here but basically I feel that if you take the whole Bible in context, it is easy to see that not everyone gets healed, there is a "sickness unto death". so many times in my theological circle healing is something that is always expected rather than "God your will be done" Of course our will would be for someone to always be healed. I hate to see someone suffer or families be parted by death, it breaks my heart. But God knows our days and if we trust Him, can we be any safer?

So anyhow other than my ongoing discourse on healing, I can accept these basic Christian doctrines... (And my husband is so thankful...)


I struggle more with how I'm expected to act/react to things. I have a hard time showing emotions in public. I've never been one of thoses"free" worshippers , never felt comfortable praying out loud in front of folks, never gone off in tongues in front of people. In other words, I'm very odd for a pentcostal preacher's wife. I don't have a problem with othr people feeling free unless they get werid but I'm just not like that. So I wonder at times, am I wrong for being like this? Does God want me to go against my personality? I heard someone say once time that if you're a person who doesn't yell at football games, why should you yell at church but if you can yell at football gaemes you should be able to yell at church...well I can promise you I've never yelled at a football game. That is just not me....

I can freely share my faith with someone, I'm actually pretty bold about that. But I don't like praying out loud for a person. If someone tells me their problem, I'll tell them I'll pray for them and I will-but in private...

I never can pop out "christian jargon" You know, "How are you? I'm blessed and highly favored by the Lord" Just recently a lady said something along those lines to me and expected me to respond, well I did but not in the ways she expected me to. I told her I didn't talk like that. Then she acted dumb and asked what I meant so I told her..let's just say I'm probably not high on her list of perfect pastor's wives:)

And then when I hear people preaching, I look for TRUTH in it. Not emotionalism, not Christian jargon but real truth. and it really bothers me when someone is fake and works on the congregation's emotions. Recently I was in a service and there was some of that. I turned off immediately. The preacher made a remark like "You may not like what I'm preaching" well I didn't, it was NOTHING based on the Bible just the speaker's opinions. But I was probably one of the few in the service that felt that way. So am I out of focus or does the whole Pentecostal/Charmatic movement need to become more sound and more truthful? I don't like when I feel like or actually know that someone is probably "stretching the truth" in sharing a story to make a point. I also dislike when I feel someone is preaching their opinion-not scripture and they make such a strong case for what they are saying, it sounds "spiritual" but it's not based on scripture.

I just bought a great book by Margret Redgister, a former missionary to South America called "No Place for Plastic Christians " or something like that...I've just devoured it. It's funny but it's also very self searching. As a missionary she really had to understand what was cultural Chrisitaniy and what was real Christianity.

I think that's what I'm trying to discern...what is cultural and what is what God really expects. If I act a certain way, I may please man but does it necessarily please God? There is nothing wrong with boundaries, or disciplines (like going to church regularly-paying tithes) but when is the line crossed. Maybe no one but me cares about all of this, but I have so many different feelings about these matters.

Songs, I even have a problem with some songs and I will not sing them. If I feel a song is scripturally wrong, I'm not gonna sing it. I feel uncomfortable with some of the newer Christian worship songs which almost sound like love songs. "I'm so in love with Jesus". Ok I'm sorry but the term "in love " means to me a romantic relationship and I do NOT have that kind of relationship with God!! I know the Bible does have some scripture that says we are the bride of Christ(NT), and that God is our husband (OT)and then you've got the Song of Solomon...but for me...I just can't even go there...It's just weird to me. Since Christianity has gotten by for 2,000 years with no songs like that, I think I'm not gonna go to hell for not singing songs that I could sing to my boyfriend...Does anyone else out there relate to me????? Do any of you guys remember back in the 80's the newest Christian phrase ws "Make Love to Jesus"? Ok that totally grossed me out. I went to a church where the minister would use that term occasionally. Other than that he was a normal guy but I thought that was so disrespectful and stupid...And I feel the same about these songs, they are disrespectful to the God of this universe to bring the relationship down to human level like that.

So these are the thougths that roll around in my head. I actually personally am very comfortable with who I am before God, it's who I am before people that is hard for me. I feel judged and found lacking by others at times. Oh I've been in church all my life I could hop up with the best of them, spout off a few "Glory's" and play act but I feel a bigger responsibility to God to be real. But then the flip side as a leader, in a Pentcostal church, should I not be more outgoing? I actually talked with a pastor's wife recently that I really respect about this. She seems ike she has a good balence in her life and she encouraged me to be more open in my responses so that I'd encourage others to be open too. I rarely ask for advice but I felt very drawn to her to discuss this with her and I felt safe with her. I have a lot of trust issues...(obviously this blog helps me to get my feelings out-I think I'm being more honest than ever the more I blog. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing...You don't have to read it fi you don't want to....)

Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed by the presence of God and the thought that the very Creator of this universe loves me and provided a way of escape for me. I'm overwhelmed by the goodness of God's presence in my life and how He walks with me and sustains me. I can look back and almost literally see the hand of God holding me as I've gone through the struggles of life. The night we were told that Sam was blind, the day I ws told that he had brain damage...his 30 minute seizure when I thougth he was gonna die...those memories are cloaked with the presence of God. I can so clearly remember God speaking to my heart about my future when I was a teenager in Perry, standing by my mailbox. I can remember hearing God's voice in my heart telling me I'd have a son named Samuel and he'd change my life. I see how God has directed my life's journey....and I never want to cheapen who God is. I don't take all that lightly, it's very real and precious to me.

I've seen alot of legalisms when it come to worship or how someone praises God. I can remember being in a relationship with a guy during Bible college, and it was not the most godly relationship but he focused on how I worshipped. I told him point blank, I thought God was more concerned where he put his hands on me after church, than whether I was raising mine in church!!! Honey that's LEGALISM!

So many times I feel that the Pentecostals/Charmatics cheapen who God is! One time on FB I saw a STATUS that a minister had written "Attempt something supernatural today" I don't usually read all the comments under people's status' but the one that was right under his status read something along the lines of "I started speaking in tongues when my dogs were fighting and they stopped" I have to admit, I saw RED! I went off on the lady about how stupid and sacrilegious that statement was, to play around with the power of God. I really felt that her statement cheapen the things of God. We Pentecostal/Charismatic would do well to take a lesson from how the Jewish people reverence God and the things of God, they may be extremists on one side, but we are on the other!! I ended up getting in to a lenghty discourse with her and with the minister.

So these are my thoughts...just curous am I the only one who thinks like this???

Trips

I've been reading lots of blogs lately and I think mine must be boring! I never get any comments no matter how controversial I am! I'm gonna have to blog more and be more interesting I guess:)

Good trip to Palm Beach all is well with Sam's eyes for now. We found a good hotel Hampton Inn and Suites near the hospital. We like Hamptons. We also went out to Cracker Barrel with James and Lola Brewer. They pastored in Perry when I was a little girl. It was so neat to see them again! On the way home we stopped at Lake Okeechobee- OMG was it cold!!!! The wind was blowing so hard, I could hardly breathe. We then ate a the Golden Corral in Okeechobee. Sam ate a whole chicken leg:)

So tomorrow I'm off to a Pastor's Wives Retreat. I'm sure it will be fun but I hate leaving my kids. If I'm somewheres without them I feel lost and unsure of myself. Ok I can't believe I just admitted that but I'm so used to be a mom....I'm not big on women's events...Women are kinda scary! I'm so much better with guys than women! However the Assemblies of God don't let the women go to the men's conferences:) In a group of women, I always feel like I'm not cool (unless there are my close friends) No one makes me feel that way, it's just how I am. Now I fine with men, I can talk...but with ladies...it's different! Is that weird or what? I think with women, I never feel cute or cool enough. Plus I'm very opinionated and around "church women" well, let's just say ...I am a bit different than they are. I guess my life experience have truly set me apart. The paperwork asked who did I want to share a room with...I can't imagine sharing a room with someone-this is like going to camp for me although it's at a resort. I'm not a room sharing kinda of person!!! But I did ask for someone who is not very spiritual and who likes the room COLD! I think our district women's rep will laugh at my request. She is the ONLY reason I'm going. I like Marsha and she is not too spiritual (I mean that in a good way- Marsha if your read this!) So hopefully it will be fun, they do have a lots of services planned but I'm hoping they aren't like church services...Lord knows I go to church enough...I want a radical kind of retreat...just relaxing!! I've threatened to take my murder mysteries and plead a headache but knowing me I'll get a real one!

Anyhow I'm looking forward and dreading it at the same time...what a weirdo I am!

Is this the worse picture ever taken of me or what????

Sam's caringbridge site

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/samclanton


Come read about Sam and our journey with him!

New Year New Decade....

2010...

WOW can't believe we are starting a new decade! I remember New Year's Eve 1999. We had a big Y2K party at Dan and Charlene's home. Some of my closest SEC friends were there along with my bro in law and family...All the children were so young, I'm not even sure if anyone was yet school age. We watched the ball drop and waited for the lights to go off:) I video taped that moment as we began a new century. There was a beautiful song playing in the background as I scanned all the kids, especially my Steve, and I wondered what the new century would bring to us, to them. Now 10 years into it, all those children are now teenagers and some new ones have been added. Dan and Charlene have moved to New York to start a church and our life has changed rather dramatically too! Life changes....

Last night Jon and I actually went to bed at 11pm! We just couldn't stay up any longer since we had gotten up early that morning. I didn't even hear the fireworks at midnight cause I was sawing logs:) We did do some fireworks earlier and almost scared our dogs to death. Our big outside Lab was so upset we let her sleep in the laundry room since we were afraid that if any neighbors shot off fireworks she might run out into the woods.

Yesterday I was thinking how this coming decade will change out lives. By 2020, Steve will be 24 years old and hopefully graduated from college, who knows he may be married...Shad and Sam will be 16 years old...It's sad to think of them growing up and moving on...

The future is scary...wow the worries can overwhelm at times...what will happen globally with the economics, terrorism, politically....Personally the future is scary also...worries about Sam's health and how to parent an older child with disabilities (I just hope by 2020 Sam will quit trying to take his clothes off in public:O ) worries about our other two boys, health safety...

I'm glad we can depend on God to get us through WHATEVER the future holds whether it is good or bad...I used to be more optimistic about life and the future. Now I'm more realistic but I know through it all God is in control!