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Monday, June 4, 2012

What's LOVE got to do with it?

Last night we got everyone to bed but Sarah. We have to put salve all over her for her rash (doctors really don't know what it is and we're working on finding the right cure) But after I got that done and her teeth brushed I just held her and sang made up songs to her for an hour. She listened & I could feel her tight little defensive body relax. I sang to her all about her story, how we saw her picture and went and got her....we love her so much, maybe even the more for all her disabilities.

From the moment I saw her picture, there was such a drawing to her. I couldn't get her out of my mind. Couldn't' sleep, had trouble eating, wondering if she had enough food to eat...it was a very strong emotion.

I'm pretty realistic, I really wondered if I'd feel the same when we actually got to the real child...and I did and even more so. She had a rash on her, smelled awful, kinda a garlic smell, burp so bad (probably from the garlic), had on the same outfit for weeks but I adored her...

Now I love Shad very very much but our love and bond grew with time. And Selah is just the dearest little girl to me, she was like the icing on the cake to be able to get her also. They are both loved and cherished completely. But this bond with Sarah is unreal. I'd often heard adoptive moms say they felt the same for their adoptive child as if they'd actually birthed the child. Honestly, in some ways I felt that about Shad and now Selah but in a few ways I didn't. I loved them, with all my heart but that instinctive way a mother "knows" her child wasn't there from the get go or even before we met them like it was with Sarah. With Sarah it is an overwhelming feeling, and it was there before I even met her. With Shad, there was LOVE from the second we saw his picture, and at the moment I met him...but it continued to grow with him. I'd compare it to "falling in love" Selah too, we loved her, but loved her more with each day...

Selah we only knew about for about a month before we left and we didn't know alot about her. There was alot of unknowns about her that were scary for us. Our hearts were a little sad because we had lost Seth and we just were not 100% sure about her and our ability to raise her. When we met her, she was like a child on crack. She could not focus at all. We had never seen anything like it, her eyes would dart all over, she didn't want to be touched in any way and seemed very unhappy. We felt a love & compassion for her & REALLY stepped out in faith and accepted her referral! To be quite honest, we went back to our apartment and said "oh my GOD what did we commit to?????" But there was a love there & we began to just love on her. In some ways we had learned from Sam how to love a child who had problems dealing with touch or affection so we just used the skills we had and didn't try to overwhelm her. She would sit and watch us love on Sarah, roll on the floor, tickle her and Selah would edge closer. It's like she wanted to be a part of the fun but didn't know how ot join in. It was sad to watch her. We just were constant day after day and we began to see some changes... Then it got warmer and we were able to take them out on the veranda and swing her. MIRACLE, she began focusing on us & her eyes didn't dart around so much. She was able to look at us and actually smile. She still is distant to some degree emotionally but she has come so far since we met her on April 2nd. We see her trusting us and coming to one of us for comfort! That is huge and we love our funny little girl and know she was meant for our family! but we started with her IN FAITH that she was meant for us! I didn't' really share about it on here or on FB, but Jon and I had to really commit to her, knowing she might never really respond emotionally. We had NO idea and still don't have a diagnosis on her. We know she went thru alot of drama in her life and that she has mental delays that are probably chromnosal due to several physical factors we know but we don't really know what her diagnosis is. There were some fears in the process for us. I can write about it now because those fears have gone. We committed to Selah EVEN IF we never saw a change in her! We knew she needed a family, god had provided for us to adopt two and we were taking her! And then the miracles started happening. Now we look back, just a mere two months from the day we met her and it's hard to think she is the same girl! She has come so far emotionally, she stayes with me all day long, no matter what I'm doing, I have to watch out for her, because she will be right up under me. She craves our attention now! And she responds back, maybe not as uninhibited as Sarah but it's ok, we love Selah right where she is:)

Sarah just seems like a part of me/us that somehow ended up in Ukraine...maybe because of her eye problem being so like Sam and how much the two of them look alike, maybe that's why I feel the way I do about her...I don't know...all I know is I regret that we didn't know about her sooner. We are trying to give her all the love and she just soaks it up like a sponge. She is extremely delayed, maybe on a 9 month level but emotionally she is so open to love. She responds and coos and smiles and laughs. She melts us...last night all I could think was "I'm holding a little princess, my little process" I don't care if she has rashes, one eye, an overbite, whatever she is the most dearest child to me. I can't imagine how her family could leave her in a hospital...that boggles my mind!

So having three adopted children, I can tell you the LOVE is there from the beginning, but grows. It can be different for each child. I never expected the overwhelming feeling like I've had with Sarah but it's there...I have seen my love for Shad increase from the day we got him, and I've seen love replace fear of the unknown with Selah. They are all mine, just like I gave birth to them, each os special, with their own special unique story...I wouldn't trade any of them for a million dollars:)

Honestly I'm a person that finds it hard to love others. I'm pretty selfish in my love and I know it. I'm not a "natural adopter" meaning I'm not a person who finds it easy to love someone just out of the blue. Not to say I hate people, I am not a touchy feeling, hugger sort of person. I generally like most folks but that don't' mean I want to get to know you or spend time with you or bring you into my family LOL So the love that is in my heart for these kids amazes me. I am NOT a kid person...at all. My nightmare job would be to be a teacher or a work at a nursery school...LOLOL BUT with my kids I can't get enough of them! go figure:)

I think when we announced we were adopting Shad, alot of folks were like "no way". Actually I think when we announced I was pregnant with Steve alot of people were like "no way" LOLOLOL I really was NOT a kid person years ago! When i was pregnant with Steve, I had alot of misgivings about the pregnancy and the responsibility of raising a child. Then when we found out he was a boy! I was scared to death. I remember walking down into Times Square from the hospital telling Jon I knew nothing about boys & what were we going to do???? LOLOL!!!! BUT when they handed me that bloody little boy after almost 3 days of labor and all kinds of problems...it was like someone sprinkled pixie dust...there was an immediate overwhelming LOVE!

With Sam and such a difficult preganncy, I tried to keep my heart out of it, we really didn't think he'd live with all the problems we had so I tried not to love him & stay as emotionaly distant as I could...but i felt a love for him the whole time. When he was born, premature and blind, I just loved him so much. I was going to fight for him with everything within me from the first moment. Loving Sam was full of so many risks, almost losing him, going thru so many surgeries....he just broke my heart in two...but it was healing, loving even with so many risks...


So today my heart is full, I have five great kids to love and raise. What a blessing from God. They each are different and unique but I love them all with everyting within me. never in a million years did I ever think I would have five kids! LOL But it is wonderful, nothing could be better....

So let me encourage you if you are thinking about adopting...but worry about your abliity to love, or you've adopted a child and the love isn't there like you thought it would be, just keep loving them, keep taking care of them...relaz and enjoy them, let yourself "fall in love" with your child, let the love grow, each situation is different but love does grow...

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