Selah had a good night and didn't wake up till 5:30 am! She is spoiling us! Her nurse and I took her to the orthopedic doctor today, he is pleased with her legs/ankles and feet! We don't go back for 6 months. He has ordered splints for her hands/arms. Last night I noticed one arm doing something odd. Kinda pulled back and twisted, it worried me so much I had to take a "happy pill"! No lie between the whole trip with Sam to NY and then her arm looking so odd....the pills came out! I'm not ashamed to admit it. I went to bed, not sure what was going on with me but you can believe I repented (hoping it was just a panic attack and not a heart attack!)... obviously it was just a panic attack. It totally sucks...I understand it comes from me but it is not from me if it makes sense.
I've spent my life dealing with various disasters..I really think of myself as an extremely strong person. Someone told me in my comments to "put on my big girl panties" (I'm sure tongue in cheek) Well they have been on for many years. But this new thing is crazy!
This is how it happens...I'm just doing my thing, with my mind blank and it hits like a hurricane. If anyone else told me they were having panic attacks, I'd assume they were working themselves up into a lather...NOT SO! That is what scares me the most of it. It happens without warnimg and it it usually hits me when there is nothing going on. it hit me one night when I was reading a book! Last night was different, I was already worried about the trip and then I see Selah's arm looking different. I knew it was not a good sign, it shows there is still brain responds to the accident and the brain damage. I was bending over her bed looking at her arm, she was sound asleep (heart rate in the LOW 60's) and WHAM! I almost passed out over her bed! I sat myself down quickly. Even tho I'm telling the whole world about it today, I don't like to tell my family when it happens. I don't want to worry the kids or Jon. It seems worse if anyone knows about it as it is happening! It's crazy and I'm shocked personally that it is happening to me. Looking at my situation objectively and professionally, I totally think it is a miracle that all I'm doing is having high heart rates!
Still haven't made a decision about the NY trip, how we are going to handle it. I just got the sad news that Dr A's beloved wife passed away this past weekend. God be with that dear dear man! I knew she was in declining health....they were very very close. Please say a prayer for his comfort!
On a very happy note, I just got the first check to go into Grace Church's orphan/adoption fund! I already have a family who is adopting TWO girls that I know, in mind! I will begin sharing all about it next week and you all will have a whole month to get involved! I'm so excited!
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A year ago today we went started the day out at the institution. We had a good visit with the girls, feeling closer to them daily as I can see the pictures and videos. Then our driver took us back to the apartment and we got the boys and headed off for church:)
The Pentecostal church in Torez is good size, probably had 500 people in attendance. One of the members Alexic helped us and translated. It turned out he lived near us and worked in the hotel near our apartment. Everyone was amazing! We felt so much love from the pastor, his wife and their staff. After church they invited us to share a meal with them. We all sat around talking as much as we could. Alexic could translate some but the conversations were going fast. We LOVED all of them so much! Sometimes when we couldnt' really get a point or a word across we'd just say "Hallelujah" it was a special time!
They sang with great gusto, some of the music we recognized...such as the song, "Blessed be the His Name" we sang in English as they sung in Russian...."He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, YET my heart will CHOSE to say. Lord Blessed be your name" How soon that song would come to mean so much more than just words to me!
I'm still choosing to say "Lord Blessed be your name"!!!!
I LOVE this picture look at Sarah's arm, I felt like she was trusting me
Two pastors!
Their music minister, Alexic, me, Jon, the pastor and his wife
What a great day! We felt their love, they cared for us, fed us, wouldn't let us walk back to the apartment. They were just a blessing to us in many ways!
Isn't it amazing to meet folks, and feel such love for them? And it is a blessing to know ONE day we will all be praising our Savior around the throne together!
By the way, we are NOT legalistic people BUT we do lead by example and we always show our children how important it is to be in church WHERE EVER we are in the world! I had to laugh when we were in Ukraine, and it was not the easiest thing to make it to church, to think of some of the excuses I hear as a pastor's wife as to why some can't make it to church! I don't mean that mean, but really where is our commitment level to God? I'm not saying going to church will save anyone...BUT it is a good discipline and the bible commands us to "Not forsake the assembling of ourselves together, especially as we see THE day approaching" So think about that when you want to lie in bed instead of getting up and going to church some Sunday!
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So please pray for Selah!!!
I have been following your blog for a very long time and have never commented but after reason this post I knew I had to. I have lived with panic attacks for a very long time and just wanted you to know I have experienced everything you just said. They hit when nothin is going on and make you feel like you are about to die, not fun at all. Don't ever let anybody tell you that's its all in your head or that you're crazy. Panic attacks are real and scary. I appreciate your honesty and just wanted you to know that you are not alone in what is happening. Many blessings, Vanessa
ReplyDeleteYes panic attacks don't seem to come on when you are in the midst of things. It is in the quiet times, the resting times that they sneak up. They are insidious. I don't think anyone can really understand them, until they have experienced them. I'm so sorry that you are. I can definitely relate. Mine effect my breathing. I also have the overwhelming urge to run. I have found much relief from a beta blocker, especially for the rapid heart beat and breathing. The beta blocker slows everything down so it is much more difficult to have a heightened response from your system. Definitely worth trying. I waited years to find out about this. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThose panic attacks are stealth bombers. I'll be sitting here watching NCIS reruns, playing solitaire and my hands start getting numb. Then it gets hard to take a deep breath. When I am in the midst of something bad, I get through it without any symptoms. It is just the strangest sensation. I don't say anything at the time either because my family wants to know why or what is making me anxious and I feel really dumb saying, "I don't know."
ReplyDeleteAbout the trip -could you take a flight to a big airport and then a friend meet you there and drive to Rochester?
Thank you for describing your panic attacks. I had a student who had them, and I was imagining them much differently. That is helpful.
ReplyDeleteI had an experience at a church in Italy very similar to yours in Ukraine, where I understood almost nothing, but felt an incredibly strong connection to and love from the people there. And they fed me afterwards, too. :) The concept of being one in Christ was so vividly illustrated for me that day that I will never forget it.
I'd talk to your doctor about the panic attacks, medication and/or counseling can help. I agree about people not attending church, but as a Catholic that's a critical part of our faith and going to heaven. I'm guilty of it myself, but I don't give myself a break, I know it's wrong when I skip mass for an invalid reason.
ReplyDeleteYvonne - I don't know how old you are, but I went through menopause at 45 and during that time, I had panic attacks like crazy. When I started taking hormones, it helped me tremendously with the panic attacks.
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