You know I blog about what I think about, well some of what I think about at least. Some days my mind is very fixed on certain goals and other days I'm just free falling....today is a free falling day...:)And I promise that Florida is a NON marijuana state LOL ( I tend to ramble)
When I opened my FB today one of my dearest friends from my college days had sent me a friend request, I could have cried! We had lost touch and gone separate ways so it was great to hear from him and to know he is serving God. Catching up, he asked about some mutual friends, one had passed away, some were divorced, some were doing ok. I started thinking of LIFE and how it flows on through the years. Looking back there were so many different people in my life that have had different outcomes than what maybe they thought they would have when they were younger. Actually very few have gone on a straight path to "success". I know we haven't gone on a straight path to whatever we are at either LOL. Very few people go on a straight path in their lives. The older I get the more I realize even the people who seem to have it so all together, really aren't any different than me or anyone else.
Sometimes in writing this blog, I have been afraid that I come across too "put together" or as a "perfect little Christian wifey" Please know I am so not! I yell at my kids, well the two bigger boys, with the little ones, I have an amazing level of patience. I fuss at my husband, I've been known to shoot birds too (and I don't mean with my 22 either LOL) Seldom a day goes by that I don't say something I shouldn't....probably only an hour goes by without me saying something I shouldn't LOL I'm being honest here. I get annoyed that the fridge is a mess, that there are dirty dishes in the sink, that the garden needs weeding. I get tired of doing laundry, tired of answering the phone to yet another missionary or needy person who wants some slice of me. Some mornings I don't want to get up to face my life, I hate (although I am thankful for) having a nurse in my home 24 hours a day, I hate (although I'm thankful for ) all the different teachers and therapists that come into my home . Sometimes I don't want to be bothered by anyone and pretty much hate the whole world. I said HATE 3x for anyone that is counting.
I'm not perfect by any means and I recognize that fact. I have fears & failures that are quite embarrassing to me.
BUT I keep pressing on to that mark, the high calling in Jesus..... I'm not going to turn back, there is nothing to go to. When I think of myself spiritually I think of a tomboy in dirty overalls, no shoes on, hair up like Pippi Longstockings, mud all over me.... that's what I see. I certainly don't see a beautiful bride of Christ in a snow white dress. But I press on, past my doubts, my failures, I hold fast to that which I know....that there is a God. A God that sent His son....a God who redeemed and redeems my life daily. A God that has walked through the fires of my life with me.
I admit to loving theology- theology simply means "man's study of God" In some ways theology is a kind of philosophy. I enjoy debates & learning. There is so much of God I don't understand. There are certain things in the bible that are non debatable to me the basic Christian tenets of faith like the creation & fall of man. etc But there are other things......like Calvinism vs Armeniansm (Calvinists basically believes that God is in complete control and Armenianlists believe in man's free will to chose.
I like to think I'm balanced, somewhere in the middle and the Bible seems to show God has a balance too. For ever scripture on predestination there is, there seems to be a corresponding verse on man's free will. It's funny to me! There are definably things that there is no debate in my mind at all like holiness and sin.
When you study the bible, you are told to take the WHOLE counsel of God from Genesis to Revelation and not to base anything on just one scripture. Sometimes I think God could have made things easier if He'd just spelled them all out for us, but He did do that in the Old Testament. In the OT, there were plenty of laws to follow outwardly but the New Testament makes it harder as you are required to follow with your heart. I'd been a good Old Testament Christian! I could have had my list, marked it all off and been fine! It's this new Testament where my heart has to be right in my actions that make it hard!!!!
Getting that heart right is the hardest thing to do! I've known many people who lived a lie, they looked good but they really weren't inside. Those "card houses" always fell apart and then the person was exposed. I don't want to be like that....I want to make it in, victoriously! I don't want my marriage, or my family to fall apart and be seen as nothing..... I don't want to "play" around with God or with Life. I want to be real and honest.
But I don't want anyone to think they have to be a certain way or perfect for God to love or use them.
One of the funniest yet holiest things that has ever happened to me is when the woman came up to me at the mall and gave me a world from God. ONLY I would get a word from God in a mall. Most people "get words" from some swanky evangelist at a church service with the music playing softly in the background....well not me...I'm in the food court of a mall with rock music blaring and I get the most important word from God that I have ever gotten before "do NOT Fear" It still blows me away that God would prepare me before such an ordeal.....
*******if you don't know the story and are new to my blog********
About a month after we'd adopted the girls, I was at a Tampa Mall with a good friend (who is not really the most spiritual friend I have, I don't mean that disparaging but it wasn't like we were there having a bible study ok!) and all the kids. A lady comes up to me in the bathroom as I am getting ready to change Selah & Sam. She said that God told her to share something with me. As you can imagine I get people coming up to me all the time living in the bible belt....lots of folks want to bother me and pray for the kids and most of the time it is very inappropriate. THIS time it was different, something was different about this woman. She prayed for Sam and then for Selah, she spent a lot of time praying for Selah. I was really thinking, Selah has the least issues of all three I wonder why this lady is praying so hard for her. She then came and met the rest of the kids and perhaps she prayed for Sarah, I'm not 100% sure. She then told me three things...
Something big is ahead for your family
Many will see
Do NOT be afraid
That was the gist of it. I did say to her, that we wanted to adopt again, maybe that was what God was saying...and I remember she shook her head no and said she didn't think it had anything to do with adoption. WHEN the accident happened, I remember this word.....I held onto it so tightly. I don't know why IF God knew (which of course He did) that He didn't prevent it BUT regardless I have held onto the Do no be afraid I've repeated that over and over again to myself and it's been a comfort. I'm afraid being the skeptic that I am, I didn't listen as hard as I should have, we talked for awhile. Maybe God spoke more things into my life than what I can remember .....I don't know but I know I didn't give that encounter the attention it would get NOW if I could go back!
Now in the day to day walking out of my life, I feel like the brown grass and leaves outside my window. I'm dry. It's been hard. BUT I'm going to keep holding on. That was the last word I heard and I will trust if God wants to give me anything else He will but for now, I'm not to be afraid! It's been hard at times not to have FEAR rise up in my heart. I so understand why God told me not to be afraid. I'm a fearful person in some ways. There are some crazy things I might do rather fearlessly but I fear the unknown and sometimes the known things of life. I feel like I've had too much experience and I know what CAN happen, so therefore I fear and worry at times. That word has helped me face things that most of you haven't had to face without completely going to pieces.
So I don't know where you are in life but know there is no one who is perfect, no one who is put together but there is a God who can right your life, a God who is the Prince of Peace and a God who forgives! He can change you from this time forward. I know God is perfecting me, although I have a long way to go LOL!
Today Jon went to visit his dad and stopped by his best friend's house to see his mom too. Mrs Buckner has started painting. she gave us this first picture a few years ago and it is perfect in our living room Sorry this isn't the best picture of the picture but we have enjoyed it