After Steve was born, we were so happy. He was just like having a real life baby doll. In July 1996, I went to the dentist to have some work done on my teeth. They took a beating while I was pregnant with Steve. The dentist asked me to do a pregnancy test before I came in as I wanted to be put out during the dental work..well it was positive, as was the next and the next....
We were shocked to say the least! I had a sonogram at 9 weeks and the tech said "There's baby A and there's baby B" Wow twins! What more could we ask for? As excited as we were, I felt something was not right about the pregnancy. I only shared that with a couple of people and of course their response to me was to encourage me everything was going to be alright. But I feel God was preparing me in a gentle way for what was going to happen.
At 20 weeks I had the AFP test and the test indicated that one of the babies had spinal bifida. I had not felt much movement at all, which had concerned me. We went through genetic counseling and I was scheduled for an in depth ultrasound at Beth Israel Hospital on the upper East side. That morning as we left home, I was afraid of what the test would show. I remember I drunk a large glass of OJ to try and feel movement but felt nothing.
As the tech did the sonogram, we had a large screen to watch it on. As soon as she located the first baby, I just began saying "the baby is dead". She quickly located the other baby who was also dead and without saying a word, ran to get the doctor. Jon (ever positive) was trying to calm me down. When the doctor returned, he confirmed that both of the babies were dead.
That morning we had driven into Manhattan, thank goodness we didn't have to take the train home. However as we drove down the streets of NYC, all I could see was baby strollers and pregnant women. We wept all the way home. I remember we just laid on the bed and cried for a long time when we got home. It was an awful day.
At that time we had a HMO and it took a few days for them to decide what to do as I was so far along. I was offered the choice of delivering the babies or having them surgically removed in a procedure similar to an abortion. I chose to have them removed. Due to the gestational age and the fact they were deceased, I was sent to a doctor who specializes in abortions. As you can imagine, I was not happy about that and told everyone! Here I wanted my babies so much and I was going to have to deal with someone who took life daily from other babies. It was a rough time. The doctor was an incredibly sweet man. We actually got close to him and he shared things with us about his life and family. We discussed the fact he does abortions for a living. His explanation was he felt he was helping women caught in no win situations. I believe he really felt he was trying to do good by helping others. We never condemned him and he was so incredibly open with us that it was unreal. By the way, I'm not talking about some doctor on the backstreets of Brooklyn. This guy had an office next to where the Trump Towers were being built. He was a very rich and successful man. It was just weird how we three connected and shared with each other. He wanted info on Teen Challenge and we gave him a box of "The Cross and Switchblade" I believe even in the hard time we were going through, God still used us to reach someone who was hurting.
The planning and everything took some time. When I finally went into the hospital the babies had been dead for more than a week. There were some concerns medically. Emotionally I was so fragile, I can't even believe I survived.
When I get really afraid and upset, I draw into myself. The night before I went into the hospital to have them removed, I walked the streets of Brooklyn alone talking to the babies. I was so sad, even remembering that night after so many years has me weeping now. It was cold dark and windy but I wanted them to know how much I loved them and wanted them. Even after knowing one of my little guys had spinal bifiida, I still wanted them. I couldn't stand the thought that they would be taken out of my womb by force. We had so many dreams for our little family and knowing they weren't going to be a part of it just broke my heart. As long as I live, I will never forget that walk. It was a dark night of the soul.
The next day October 30,
1996, I checked into St Luke Roosevelt. The same hospital that I had checked out on October 30,
1995 with my little Steve. The procedure was done and I was in recovery and I started to hemorrhage. I bled profusely for hours. As fast as they could give me a transfusion, I would bleed it out. This went on for hours Every trauma doctor was brought in but to no avail. No one was really telling Jon much but my nurse who just happened to go to Times Square Church told him to call everyone he knew to have them pray for me. Sometime in the afternoon, I began not being able to see but I could still talk and hear. I kept begging them not to let me die. I had Jon show them pictures of Steve. I told them I had to live to raise him. The nurses told me later, they would have to walk out of the room as they would start crying. No one really gave me much of a chance of survival at that point. (we learned all of that later) What happened to me is called DIC -it has a big long name- but it basically means your blood loses the ability to clot it can happen in a childbirth situation or if you've had a great trauma. I was told it is 99% fatal. One nurse told me she had never in over 25 years of nursing met someone who had survived it. Late in the afternoon, Jon came in he could only come in for a few minutes at a time. There had been a change, I was worse. Jon described me as having a "death dew" on my face. He got that from an old church hymn. He described me as unbelievably pale with a sheen on my face. At that point he dropped to his knees and began praying and rebuking death. Within the next few minutes there was a complete turn around and within the hour I was given hospital jello to eat. I did stay in the hospital for a few days in ICU but God intervened in my life.
My father in law had come to be with us and it was a good thing he did! He kept Steve during this time. Steve had just turned 1 year old and of course he was still in diapers. Well when I got home, Steve was happy and playing with his PaPa, but when I went to change him, I found the diaper was on backwards. We did laugh about that! Papa admitted that Steve's diapers were the first he'd ever changed!
I was a wreck physically and emotionally when I came home. My belly was bruised in colors I'd never seen from all of the compressing. I was weak from the blood loss. That same month, the whole of New York City had a scare from tainted blood products. My hospital had reportedly got some tainted blood. Well I was given so much blood and blood products we are very concerned. I spoke with my doctor about the issue and I was told, I would not have lived out the afternoon without the transfusions. My blood was traced and all had come from the New Jersey blood bank which was reassuring but I still had to have HIV testing done at 3, 6 and 9 months. That was nerve wracking to say the least and added to my mental state.
A few days after I came home, I got a package in the mail from the funeral home. It was the twins' ashes. I was alone and I just sat and held them bawling. Here I was holding my twins and instead of smelling the sweet baby mil smell, I smelled smoke. It was awful, we had no idea, that they would just UPS them to us and were totally unprepared!
Around this time, there was many changes going on in both ministries we were involved in. We were contacted and asked to move to New Jersey and help start a Teen Challenge with a minister friend that Jon had known for years. Jon had already been doing a weekly outreach in Newark so it seemed like it was a natural progression. I was incapable of making any decisions so I told Jon whatever he wanted to do...So we moved in February 1997 to NJ. Wow what a mistake!
The gift of discernment (or some may call the gift of suspicion) is something that I have very strongly. Jon and I have discussed it in depth and have come to the conclusion that some of it is God given and some is just plain "street smarts". Jon does not have it as strong as I do. He has a gift of mercy and compassion and no one
ever has accused me of having that gift! That's why we work so good together now. Years ago we didn't work together very well (more on that later...)
At that point in our lives, the only thing getting me out of bed was Steve. He was the only happiness in my life. I was so emotionally fragile, I wasn't paying any attention to anything in life. Just kinda going with the flow...
So we got moved over and soon I realized something was not kosher! Although Jon had known this guy for years, we did not know he had had some issues and had been disciplined by our denomination. He had successfully completed what was asked of him and was restored back to ministry. Evidently he was still dealing with some stuff in his life. Needless to say, that man is out of the ministry today and unfortunately fell back into drugs and has lost his family. We just knew something was not right and we were not comfortable being involved. It was one of those situations where you might not have much proof but you know something is rotten in Denmark. So in July'97, I called my father in law one morning and told him I had to come home. I was hysterical on the phone and basically said I was coming home whether Jon did or not. I don't think I made a lots of sense that morning but he was on one of the next flights to NJ and helped us move home. I think he thought I was losing it which I was!
As you can see, my father in law has been with us an many major occasions of our lives. He has quite a few health problems right now and is in his 80's but I just have to say I could not have had a better father in law! He's been better to me than my own family ever was and I appreciate him.
Coming home was good in some ways. Jon got a position as a Chaplain for the Florida Dept of Corrections and I began working directly for the Florida Dept of Juvenile Justice as a probation officer. Steve got to be with his cousins and all of our friends' kids and he was happy as any 2 year old could be.
However a rift had begun between Jon and me. The roots of it started long before losing the twins but that loss took my away my foundation. It began growing larger and larger and it was only God's grace that saved me and our marriage. I'll share more in my next post.