Monday, November 30, 2009

Be Real

I've been thinking so really deep thoughts lately. It's somewhat redundant from my posts on Facebook but...

I despise silly Christian know what I mean "God won't put more on you than you can bear.." Does anyone in the world but me know the context of that scripture???? It's talking about temptation and how God will make a way of escape, it has nothing to do with problems/burdens etc... I have sworn that the next person who says that to me I'm gonna slap silly or at least give them a theology/bible lesson! I didn't have $20,000 in student loans for nothing!!

Today I watched part of a funeral for a well known pastor who recently died. The funeral seemed so shallow, forgive me, I'm sure his family is hurting but it seemed like they masked it, almost like he wasn't dead. I don't know how to explain it...I've been to funerals that were triumphant and awe inspiring but this big funeral just seemed so dead (ok I couldn't help that) I think the folks couldn't explain WHY this Word of Faith guy had died and not been healed so the funeral was just weird! Be real people~ the guy is dead, you can't hide that!

Do you know what I mean when I say folks aren't real? Christians have such a hard time admitting that God did not come through in the way they wanted Him to do and so they say dumb things to cover their confusion/angry. I've seen it time and time again. People try and explain why bad things happen...there is a simple explanation in the Bible! We live in a fallen world, we will walk through the valley of the shadow of death but we don't have to be alone!!!

Often people say things to me that are so stupid that I really want to slap them silly! I get told all the time I'm a saint~ok anyone out there who really knows me ...would NOT describe me as a saint! Or the person will say "God knew who to give that little boy to" or "Special moms get special babies" Well heck...I don't want to be special!!! I don't want my son to be retarded and blind and partially deaf...Come on why would ANYONE think statements like that bring ANY comfort to my heart???? Do I want to trust a God who would CAUSE something like this to happen to a child? NO of course not!

I'm so glad that the Bible is totally clear on this subject. We live in a fallen world, that's the bottom line as I've stated before in my posts. Man chose to sin and brought disease and death into the world by giving control of their lives over to the devil. God did not create blindness or cancer or even death! I can trust God even when it hurts so much I feel like I can't breath. I know He is with us, holding our hearts and hands, whispering comfort in our ears. This journey we call Life is short, just a dress rehearsal for eternity. Then on that day, we won't be bound by this world, the former things will be done away with and He God Himself will wipe every tear from our eyes! Then we can share with other believers our story of how God brought us through our journey. I believe God's heart is moved by our sorrows.

For some reason my heart has been grieving the last few days over Sam. I don't really understand why now, we don't really have any major issues going on...I don't know...But my heart has hurt so much. I wish he didn't have so many issues, I wish he was a regular little 5 yr old boy going off to kindergarten, getting in trouble for talking in class. I can't even dream of how it would be. It's so far from the reality of his life that I can't even see it in my mind's eye. I wish we had a "normal" future to look forward to for him. That doesn't in any way dim my love for him but I just wish....While I'm typing this, I'm just crying so hard because it really hurts my heart. I don't allow myself to grieve too much, hardly ever because I think it is not productive or healthy. but sometimes reality overwhelms me and it seems more than I can bear in my heart. Sometimes I can't believe that I can go on but I do...what choice do I have? I can't fall out by the side of the road and give up on life just because it's not the way I planned it. If I did that, then I'm not trusting in the goodness of God.

So I guess what I'm saying is don't be a Job's comforter when you try to help folks going through things. Be real, life is hard but it's better sometime to say "I'm so sorry you're going through this" than to try and come up with a dumb reason! Be real admit when your heart is heavy don't just say silly "Christian" slogans. Read the Bible ` Psalms, job many of Paul's writings in the NT, contain writings that are real, that show heartache and confusion but also trust in God.

I don't have all the answers but I know I'm going to hold onto to God's hand through life and trust Him. Why be bitter, does that change anything? Does that help anything? NO Been there, done that, got the tshirt...! It was NOT a fun place to be in! I've found that trusting God through the hard times may not change the hard times but it changes ME!

Thursday, November 19, 2009


Yesterday we took Sam to St Joe's to see Dr Declue, a doctor who specializes in metabolic disorders. He ran some more blood work on Sam and ordered an ultrasound of his liver. The liver may not be storing his sugars correctly and that is something that can be fixed with meds. He also gave me a prescription for a shot if Sam becomes unconscious or has a seizure. The only thing is the shot has to be mixed up...can you see me mixing a shot when Sam is seizing....God I hope I can do it!!! Anyhow he thinks cause Sam is so small (the size of a 2.6 yr old ~even tho he is gonna be 6 yr old in Feb) that's why he is so hypoglycemic. Usually kids grow out of it by now but he has so little fat to draw on that there is no reserve for him. One idea to prevent the episodes is to add CORNSTARCH to his bottles of pedisure. It seems to be helping kids to maintain their sugars better. I had just read that on the Internet so I wasn't surprised. The dietitian is calling me with the amount to start giving him. Maybe that will be all he needs!

So Sam is keeping us on our toes as usual but I love him so much, all this other stuff doesn't matter. WHATEVER it takes to keep him healthy I'll do!!! When it's your child, you learn you can step up to the plate. I can remember all the different things I do or have had to do in the past and the fear I had starting the things...but then you get used to it an just do it!

The biggest step was coming home with him from the NICU on a heart monitor and oxygen and the suction machine. WOW that wa a trip but we made it through...then after his first corneal operation and the doctor explaining to me how to do the eydrops into that little tiny BLOODY eye! Somehow we didn't get the explanation BEFORE the surgery that we'd be doing eyedrops after.....I looked at the doctor like "you're crazy! Surely you are gonna send a nurse home with me...."I truly thought I'd pass out but guess what? I didn't!!! Then the blood sticks! OMG I was shaking the first few times I had to do them. I'm so over that now!!!! It's nothing! So what's the big deal about giving him a shot....I don't know...I feel faint!!!!

Life is a journey~you can NOT control it! but you can control how YOU respond to life's challenges! I want to respond with faith and humor! I laugh at situations alot cause that's the only way to get through things sometimes. If I can find some humor in the situation it helps. You can live your life with all gloom and doom...but who wants to??? Life is gonna be hard, it's scriptural- that means there is plenty of scripture to back me up:) But you can CHOSE to trust God and know that He'll be with you. You can also CHOSE to look on the lighter side when ever possible.

Have you meant people that take themselves and their situations too seriously? I have and it's so stupid! I've been around some who are just going through the natural processes of life and you'd think they had such heavier burdens than anyone else in the world. Then I met families who are REALLY going through some firey trials and they just ooze peace, contentment and faith! I want to be like that!!! We all are gonna face hard times, loss of a loved one, health issues...but we've got to remember this world is not our ultimate home, we're only passing through. If we trust in Jesus, one day it is ALL gonna be alright.

I'm not saying not to be sympathetic of situations. The bible says "weep with those who weep" When you go through a life journey that is hard, it is easier to weep with those who weep. Even if your situations are not the same, the emotions are. I cry so much easier now for others than I ever have before in my life because I KNOW some of the heartache the others are going through. I'm glad my heart is softer to others. I'm glad my heart is moved with compassion for the trials that others go through. But again, this world is not our home. ONE DAY everything is gonna be ok! That's what I hold onto and I think I have the authority to speak into other's lives that same truth~because I go through some rough times that others will never have to face. I don't know why some people can go through trial after trial and other's just face the "normal" trials of life (parents growing older, dying...small health issues...) I don't know some folks have easier's just life. there's no reason to get angry or bitter....because one day EVERYTHING is gonna be alright!

I look at things so different than I did before I had Sam. I feel blessed even in the midst of a storm. I can't explain that at all. It's certainly NOT because I'm more spiritual or a better person...but trusting God in the midst of life's struggles and truly believing He is in control, is a wonderful place to be at!! I could be bitter but I'm not, I'm so thankful for what I have and the promise of heaven/eternity...

Monday, November 16, 2009

My Chosen One~ SAM

Chosen One
If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you...
If God had told me "this soul will one day need extra care", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...
If God had told me "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you..
If He had told me "our time spent together here on Earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me 'all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...
Thank you God for allowing me to be Sam's mommy!

I didn't write this beautiful poem but I got it from the page of a mom who's little boy is facing his last days as he has fought cancer for over a year. I wept when I read it. I could add a few more lines but I think it says what is in my heart about my boy Sam!