Wednesday, November 19, 2014

What Irks Me

Irk -verb means to irritate; annoy.

You know something has been irking me for awhile now.... All these serious blogs about adoption.  Maybe I'm just simplistic but to me adoption vs. natural birth is the same thing when it happens.   Not sure that I can articulate this blog like I want to, maybe I don't have the words....But our "adopted" kids are just as much our kids as our "biological" kids.  I don't mean that in a sloppy sentimental way-it's just they are my kids!

And these blogs that want to tell the 'truth" about adoption and how "hard" it is.....get over it.  Biological parents go through problems with their biological kids all the time.  As an adoptive parent, you chose to adopt, now be the parent!  I don't want to hear your whining! 

All I can speak about it our adoptions.  The only issue we had was with Shad who is an extremely smart boy.  He was two and right in the middle of the "terrible twos".  He was a trip those first few months but no more so than other "biological" two year old boys.   Sometimes I think people go looking for issues because the child is adopted.  Granted, there can be more things to overcome and I do feel we've had to work harder with Shad but he is also a very smart boy and very confident.  Just those two things together can make a child a bit headstrong.  But it's not necessarily a bad thing. 

The girls' adoption and transition into our home was so sweet and easy.  Because Shad had had some issues, we certainly expected problems with two older girls but there was nothing but two sweet girls who trusted us more ever day and responded quickly to love.  Just like that euphoric feeling after giving birth, I had it to the extreme with Sarah and Selah.  I can remember hating it when they'd take a nap, I wanted to get them up to play with them LOL!  Everything was like a dream, until the accident happened. 

For me adoption has been nothing but a blessing.  Sure my heart grieves over the accident and will for the rest of my life but Selah is still our daughter, still loved and cherished.  Selah and her needs  come first in our family.   So now she is the number one priority  in our family. No decision is made without considering her needs/care first.   Every now and then someone will send me something nasty that some nameless ballless troll has written about us.  There is always some implied idea that adopting the two girls together was what caused the accident.....  the little comment or section will try to imply that we were thing I read took something I wrote and twisted it around to show how overwhelmed I was.  What caused the accident was that my husband stopped the stroller and took his cell phone out of his pocket, turned away from the stroller and the sun so he could see the time on it.  I wrote on this blog that I WISHED I had gotten him a new watch the week before but was too tired/busy and forgot.  I GUESS I should have gone into detail.  THE TRUTH is I was at the store and forgot till I got in the parking lot BUT since I'd just had foot surgery a few days before and my foot was bleeding through the bandage I was just too TIRED to get back on the little cart I was using and go back into Walmart.  It had NOT one thing to do with the adoption!!!!!!!!!!!    I wasn't tired from the adoption, I wasn't tired or stressed by the girls but rather from the two foot surgeries I'd had that summer.   I actually had to have one more foot surgery just the day before we left for NY.....

In fact the accident would have never happened IF I had not had the foot surgeries I am sure.  If I could have walked for a distance I would have gone with Jon OR the whole family would have gone to a nearby mountain park that we love to go to in the Rochester area.  In fact we even discussed going earlier that morning but I did not feel like I could go.   So the root cause of the accident in my opinion was my foot surgery.  The pain kept me from going back in the store and buying another watch and it kept me from enjoying a walk with my family on that fateful morning.  I'm sure some idiotic would say we shouldn't adopted since I had a foot problem...well the problem started about a month after the adoption....sorry I was not forewarned about it. 

Then I read this long discourse on how we should have researched and not used the particular jogging strollers as primary means of transportation of the kids.   Well the jogging stroller was being used for its intended purpose when the accident happened.  The kids were well within the size specified for that store, quite UNDER the height and weight recommendations.   Some idiot said something like we should have had wheelchairs for the kids....  first we wanted to encourage Sam and Selah to walk short distances on their own.  Selah hated to walk-but we certainly would not have been eligible through our insurance for Sam or Selah a wheelchair at that point.  Back then, we mostly carried Sarah unless it was a long distance LIKE a walk in the park.  People are just beyond idiots and beyond jerks!   The thing is if I ever say anything negative or positive anywhere on the internet, I can sign my real name!  Nameless faceless comments are from tiny weird minds....

Again accidents are horrible, but to link an accident with an adoption....just is not right.  If we had no longer wanted Selah- just to be blunt- when the doctor encouraged us to not put in the trach or gtube and just let her go....we could have done that.  She would have quietly died and that would have been the end but we fought and still fight for her life.  We chose to bring her home rather than put her in a nursing home.  I had to spend the summer of 2013 fighting for her to stay home.  We have lived in a tiny house for two years with nurses, therapists and teachers in every nook.  We don't get any compensation from her accident-nor should we.  the accident made our lives so much harder.  It was a wonderful happy easy life before....oh we had doctor appointments, therapy appointments and yes the three little ones needed a lot of care but we knew what we were doing BEFORE we brought the girls home and we knew their needs were manageable at that point. 

Anyhow those are a few things that IRK me that I've been rolling around in my head lately. 

WHEW.....there may be some PMSing going on around here!!!!!!!


  1. Yvonne, I would agree that I love my children just as I believe I would if I could have had biological children. My husband I have adopted 4 children from China. Two girls and two boys. The girls were non-special need and the boys each have cleft lip/palates. Our youngest son is also autistic, non-verbal and developmentally delayed. He is now 8 years old. We love him and feel blessed to be his parents. It was difficult at first to accept his additional special needs, but he is ours and we will continue to do our best for him for the rest of our lives. He has blessed us in ways we could not have imagined and we have grown in ways we may not have known we needed to grow!
    My thought for you is that yes some families do seem to go a bit overboard with seeing what the bio parents did as a sacrifice. My eldest daughter was abandoned at nearly a month of age. She was abandoned in a box with a blanket, a note with her birth name and birth date, in a safe location and a hope that she would have a life they could not offer her. I believe her parents kept her as long as they could. I believe they most likely could not pay the fine due to the one child policy and they did what they hoped would bring her the best life they could offer her. We are blessed by their decision to give her life and to keep her safe while they could. Our other children were abandoned as new borns. I don't know any details of why or how. I am at least thankful they did give my children life.
    I have read your blog since the accident and I can see why you would feel as you do about the bio parents of your children. From all signs the bio parents of your children did not love them or take good care of them. My only point in writing is to say all cases are unique. At least in China I do believe their are most likely some bio-parents that did love and want to keep their children, but due to circumstances beyond their control that was not an option. I am not a big Politically correct person, but please remember as you write that just as some go overboard in being all "misty eyed" thinking of the "birth" parents "sacrifice"....their are also those that did most likely make a huge sacrifice.
    I also want to mention that I think the people that judge you and your family should have the strength to leave a name and a way to contact them. I think they are cowards and wish they would spend their time doing something positive rather than tearing down a family that clearly loves and does their best for their much-loved and well cared for children. Accidents are just that...if we could go back and keep them from happening we sure would! as I know you and your husband would! Peace and Prayers from MN.

    1. You are right, there are parents who do not want to give their children up. That is a lovely story for your child to know. The ONLY kind thing I can say about Shad's family is they did leave him in a safe place, near a police station so he'd be found quickly. For that I'm grateful! What hurts is that Shad's eye injury happened after birth, right before he was left on the street. It was still healing up....he was no longer perfect...IF they only knew how PERFECT he is..... My girls....Sarah's parents refused to touch her after she was born. Selah's....lost custody/abandoned her. It's a lot of hurt to take in. But you are correct in what you say.

  2. Just as I was thinking that you had it…......
    It being that you were an adoptive parent who ‘got’ it and adopted orphans who truly needed a family. An adoptive parent who had compassion and empathy for not only the children and the families that lost them.
    But then BAM - there it set me straight with this ‘unGodly’ and judgmental comment based on ASSUMPTIONS that were either conjured up by you, or put in your head by the ‘adoption professionals’ who PROFITED from the sale of the children to you…..
    This is the comment I’m talking about:
    "I don't get too boggled down thinking about their "birth parents". Those "parents" did what they did selfishly. That's how I look at their abandonments. I've read a few blogs lately that got all "misty eyed" thinking of the "birth" parents "sacrifice"....whatever....they sacrificed MY children and subjected them to hunger and horrors. I realize if the parents had not abandoned them, we would have never adopted them but did the people even care? I doubt it."

    What a horrific thing to read, I actually physically felt the total lack of compassion and empathy from yet another adopter who claims to be 'Christian'. My heart literally sank when I read it. I was really thinking that you actually.....ahhhh forget it. You don't, and probably, never will – and I’m not in the mood to put the energy into you to educate you – or at least get you to open your mind and overcome the savior mentality.

    I’m off to help a couple of families keep their unborn children now, so that they will never ever ever have to ever come close to being judged by you or others who are Sadly, there are so so many.

    Do your children know you feel that way about their natural families? You may not tell them, but they sure can feel it.

    1. First I can disagree with someone without attacking their faith....

      I don't know WHAT your story is but I know my kids' stories and they are sad. If you have never walked into an orphanage or an adult mental institution then you just do not know..... My kids birth families subjected them to abuse by rejecting them for flawed physical and mental issues. What is there to love about that????

      When I was discussing birth parents, I explained how I felt about our situations. You have no idea of what you so self righteously say.....

      I'm sure there are birth parents who find it hard to let go of their children, that was NOT my kids' situation. Nor was it my personal situation when I was a child. So I know of what I speak.

      My children were sacrificed so that the birth parents did not have to deal with them. Sarah's rather middle class parents refused to even touch her after her birth being born with just one eye. You tell me what's loving about that???

      As far as the info, it was in her MEDICAL record! I doubt very seriously anyone in Ukraine thought that an American couple would come FIVE years later and adopt a blind mentally delayed the medical record FROM the maternity house did not lie....

      So again you are welcomed to disagree with me but don't attack my faith

  3. Yvonne, respectfully.....when did I attack your faith?
    I said, YOU passed JUDGMENT, something Godly persons are not supposed to do. You did not speak with the natural families directly to hear why the children eneded up where they did.
    Again, you will not open your mind to the DOCUMENTED FACTS that in many cases in adoption, the 'files' are filled with fabricated lies. Children in many countries are literally stolen off the streets, or from unsuspected relatives who only want to give the children a better chance at an education and they are then SOLD to orphanages....but, this was again, lost on you.
    The possibility exists and therefore you should follow God's direction and NOT JUDGE, and even if you know the facts and heard them directly or saw them directly happen you STILL should not judge.
    I never ever attacked you for being a follower of God, a Christian, or your faith.
    I only made light of your actions of passing judgment.
    Again, just consider the corruption in adoption, Google international adoption corruption, check out a few adult adoptees, listen to them, hear their stories.
    I hope you will at least open your mind to receive the documented facts that have been published about adoption corruption.
    It is not in your children's best interest to pass judgment on their natural families that they were produced from.

    1. Actually the bible teaches us to judge people by their fruit but that is another argument altogether.

      Do you seriously believe that my kids' birth parents gave them up for money???? My kids were not "perfect little Gerber babies" I know there is child trafficking in the world, in the US and aboard in some circumstances but that is far from our situation. My kids all waited years in orphanages until being adopted.

      I also was given up by my birth parents for their convenience.... I have no respect for them and they are not a part of mine or my children's lives.

      There may be stories like one that an mom shared in the above comments but they are few and far between especially when it is a special needs child.....

      In our family we focus on TODAY with our kids. Our girls are so special needs that they will never understand their story but they will know that we adore them and are honored to be their parents.

      Shad asks some questions and we talk....I tell him how much his birth family missed out not having him in their lives and how we are soooo blessed to call him our son. I tell him how we CHOSE him but got stuck with our other boys :) I think he will be able to deal with his emotions as he grows up. He and I can talk about feelings and experiences together.