The first time it happened to me was when I was a college intern. I worked at a church in the inner city of NYC during the summer of 1986. From the moment I got there with my blond hair sweet spirit and too many suitcases some staff made it their life goal to belittle and demean me. Some of it was jealousy - there were some other volunteers who were probably sent there with the hope it would help them spiritually. Others thought they were super spiritual and so busy for Jesus that everyone must live up to their standards and a few others were working to catch the pastor's eye....
View from my apartment
Now let me tell you back then I just loved everyone and wanted to be friends especially with people who were in ministry. We were on the same team! Go Jesus! Having grown up in church I was not naive to the fact people fussed in church! I grew up in a wonderful but very very unhealthy church. We went through pastors like you wouldn't believe. One guy only stayed 4 months...and he had cutest son who was on the football team. That was so sad to me! But I didn't think people in front line ministry on the streets of NYC would behave like that.... Oh Boy!
So the first day I got there the girl I was to room with threw a fit. She didn't want a roommate. But her room had a bunk bed so we were roommates. She was ugly to me all summer (and ugly to boot) I soon learned there was a hierarchy in the apartment and with volunteers staff etc....even group had a hierarchy and I was on the lowest rung. That didn't really bother me I was there to serve and there were a couple of people that were just wonderful and I spent all free time with them. Sometimes we even got to work together which was the best!
So even though I was shocked at the unchristlike attitudes I was still thrilled to be there. The day I got there I went out on a bus route to invite kids and families to the different services. It was so exciting! There I was in the inner city of the largest city in America doing ministry!!! The bus windows were down it was summertime and as we are going down the street a brick was thrown through the window. and hit me! Welcome to NYC....
My first job was to answer phones. Well that was simple...then the really strange things started happening. There was so much tension between the pastor and his wife. I did not know how to deal with it. They had a young child who obviously had some type of mental issues the kind of issues that comes from trauma. I just didn't talk to people (except the people that called in) that was the easiest safest thing. But the pastor started noticing me.... and giving me assignments. He meant to 'break" me by having me clean the bathrooms. But I like to clean and it was much easier to clean the bathrooms by myself than to be around others. But then he began coming in the bathrooms to "help' me and talk to me. I was only 20 years old and at that time respected any minister. Looking back I realize I really dodged a bullet! Because I was too naive to think a minster was hitting on me I did not respond to anything he said to me things I realized later was very inappropriate. For example asking me about my love life while he and I are alone in a huge building in a bathroom... Come on man! THEN a staff member with whom he was having some type of inappropriate relationship began hating on me. Another staff member sat me down and told me! I was shocked and asked why he wasn't dealt with. She did not have an answer.
There was so many weird things that happened, half truths unhealthy undercurrents strange rules-I was told I had to put any cash I had into the church's safe. Then I had to request it when I wanted it and tell the secretary what I was going to use the money for! That was very odd! Weekly I visited my section of the city ALONE! I literally was dropped off with flyers into the inner city and told to meet back in a few hours at a spot. I would walk from tenement building to the projects all alone. No cell phone remember this was the 80's Supposebly other staff had been raped and one killed but yet we were sent out alone. Now at the time it did not bother me because I do good alone but as an adult and a pastor's wife I can not believe a ministry showed such disregard for staff!
The minister told lies all the time. He'd make up stories about ministry successes, attendance, growth and even persecution of staff. He'd make up stories about things that happened to him. Full time staff would even joke about his lies and roll their eyes.
There was so much stuff going on I can't even write it all. Some things were directed at me and some at other staff..I did my time and gladly went home!
When I got back to SEU in the fall I met with my college professor who was over all the missionary interns. I adored and respected him. When I got to my appointment with him I knew he'd help me make sense of everything I had experienced. At that point I had told no one the details because it was so awful. As I started to share with him, he stopped me. He left the room and came back with another professor. He then began to explain he'd brought the other guy in on our conversation because he wanted a witness. Then he proceeded to YELL at me! His response hurt me so much more than anything that had happened in NYC. He quoted Psalms 105:15 "Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm." He said I was lying/exaggerating and if I were to tell anyone he'd see that I was taken out of my ministry position on campus. He even made me feel like he was threatening that I'd be kicked out of college! He also told me I was in sin. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I basically accepted what he said and apologized. I promised not to tell anyone and I didn't until after I was married. I remember telling Jon this story with much more details and he was flabbergasted. He'd heard the man speak before and was greatly moved by his sermon to give your all to Jesus. He believed me because he knew I wouldn't lie but it shocked him.
BTW that man was finally outed a few years later, his wife divorced him (he lies about it all the time) he somehow kept his ministry but not in the same denomination. Now his ministry is "world wide"
I have found it hard to speak against this man/ministry publicly - not because I think he's godly or truthful but because I have some dear older friends who have been involved in his life and love him. I don't want to hurt them. Part of my mind says "well some people have come to Jesus because of him" so at least he's helping out. But then the normal part of my mind says he's a harden lying sinful man who probably rakes in money and makes up stories. I've looked at his facebook page and he's "all over the world" with crazy stories that I KNOW are a bunch of made up lies! In fact I just checked it out today and all of the last few entries absolutely have to be 100% made up lies. Because these scenarios happened in countries where there is war or natural disasters no one can actually follow up on the so called ministries. He talks about some countries I happen to know quite well and I am positive he is not involved in those countries in any way whatsoever and I doubt he's ever stepped foot in those countries! It's sick! I just have to remind myself one day if I am correct he will stand before God for the lies he has told to thousands of people.
So why rehash all of this? Does it bring glory to God? For so long that's been a reoccuring theme in the church world to cover up wrong doings so it doesn't reflect badly on God. But is that really the right thing to do? I understand if a person falls into sin and repents and makes it right privately to the ones he or she has hurt then it should stay private BUT when you are in ministry you do have a higher responsibility level. AND that scares me as a pastor's wife! I'm not always right and certainly not always in the right spirit LOL but I'm going to try and do right by the church! Because of this man (and other's) exaggerations I tend to go the opposite direction in order to be truthful and open.
And I"ll probably write about this again but there is a difference between spiritual abuse and a disagreement in church ministry. There are times when someone may not agree with a pastor or minister on a subject and there is a heated discussion - we have had a few. But that's not spiritual abuse that's a disagreement. SA is something that is a constant belittling, infantilizing or guilt tripping. Spiritual abuse can also be putting burdens on people that are things not mentioned in scripture.. For example in the church my husband got saved in they had a HUGE emphasis or tithing your time to the Lord. What that meant was a person should give 10% of their day to Jesus - So 2.40 hours of each day. That time should be used for prayer and bible study maybe witnessing. I can tell you that was a HUGE source of disagreement when we got married! I thought it was cult like behavior. The church and that movement because it's still in some circles takes a good thing and puts so many laws and requirements on it that it becomes unattainable then the person falls into despair with guilt and feels unworthy. Some of the missionaries that I've recently read their stories had that requirement and were shamed if they did not meet that goal daily. My husband had to work through that false requirement to see that it was a man made rule. It was incredibly unhealthy!
Unfortunately Spiritual abuse can also have a component of physical or sexual abuse too,I've heard some awful stories lately about that too.
Spiritual abuse is not church discipline. There has been a few times in ministry where we've have had to deal with people who were in life controlling sins those situations had to be dealt with. We did not try and control them but they could not be in leadership and continue in those sins.
I've always talked about BALANCE if anything that's what the church world (and I can only speak to the evangelical/Pentecostal folks because that's where I hang my hat) But Lord we are absolutely insane and UNbalanced so much of the time. I do realize it comes from a place of wanting to give our all to the Lord. But we tend to heap on burdens on people rather than letting God convict people as they grow in God's grace. For example the Ten Commandments that literally came down from God is good- but things like "Courting" (if you don't know that's basically the rule that a couple "courts" not dates and no time alone and no kissing till marriage) While that teaching probably came from a good hearted place to help folks stay pure until they marry it's gone overboard and so many folks have suffered from it. It mostly affected young people and many of them married people they barely knew. The opposite extreme that we see in the world is just as bad. Of course the bible teaches us not to engage in sexual immorality. We need to just listen to the bible that tells us to stay pure but doesn't say we can't go out to lunch with different people without committing to marry them from day one!
For years I've spoken about the crucial lessons that bible colleges often overlook. One of the most important is teaching young ministers how to recognize and respond to spiritual abuse when they themselves are the victims. Equally--if not more--important is equipping them with the wisdom and humility to ensure they never become the ones inflicting that abuse on others.
There are many thoughts going around in my mind and I'm sure I'll be sharing more later! Thanks for reading my blog and I love the sweet comments I've been getting! Thank you!
