Thinking of my twins~Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

Today 13 years ago, our twins died. It was an awful day and I almost died in the process. I wrote about it in more details in an earlier post but I just want to take the time to honor my babies. I don't have all the answers about the after life but I know that there is one. I don't know if the twins are still babies or if they've grown...but I know when I see them again I'll know them because the scripture says "we shall know as we are also known" I know that heaven is real and it is a comfort. When you begin to look at life with an eternal perspective, it really changes things!

I believe we live in a fallen world and that's why we have sickness, disease and death. I don't think God brings it upon people. The Bible is very clear "that the thief comes to steal and destroy but that Jesus came to give us life" so I know where bad things come from and where good things come from. Pretty simple huh?

It took me awhile to get past my anger and confusion, and when I say awhile I mean years....kinda of a yucky time to say the least! But through God's grace, I was able to walk through it. Then when I was faced with all the struggles that Sam has had, my mindset was so different. I had learned to trust God. See before I lost the twins, I thought I trusted God and I did to a point. But when I went through that heartache, my faith was shattered because I had the mindset that God should make everything right~right now! And when this huge heartache came, my faith couldn't stand. Through those years of walking through a deep valley, a valley that I put myself in, I actually did learn to trust God that He is good all the time, even if our hearts are breaking, He is still good. God doesn't take pleasure in sickness or death He sent Jesus into this world to redeem us from the curse of sin. But God doesn't go against the laws of nature that He put into place. If He did no one would ever die or be sick...which would be great but that's not how it is. It is how it would have been if man hadn't chosen sin in the garden of Eden and that's how it will be one day again but right now, we live in a fallen world.

My trust in God now is like the three Hebrew children, Shadrach, Meshcah and Abendgo... "we know our God is able to deliver us but EVEN IF He doesn't we're still gonna trust Him" And they went into the fiery furnace, but although they went into it, they also came out of it! So we may go through fiery furnaces, but if we trust God He will bring us out of them! We may not get the miracles we'd like immediately, but one day we will. That old song...Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" has some true theology in it."What have I to fear, what have I to dread, Leaning on the everlasting arms, I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, leaning on the everlasting arms. Leaning leaning safe and secure from all alarm" If we can get to the point that we trust God although we don't have all the answers, there is a "peace that passes all understanding" Our hearts can be breaking but we're trusting and we can know in the deepest part of our hearts that we are safe and secure.

I'm not perfect by any means, but there is a difference now when my world is rocked, I know that everything is gonna be alright. It may not be alright today, tomorrow or even 10 years from now but one day when I stand before the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords; everything is gonna be alright! He is going to wipe away every tear. I've got a lot of tears to be wiped away but it's gonna be alright. I don't write this as one who has not suffered or as a trite "Christian" statement but it's what is deep and settled in my heart.

My world was rocked this week when we found out that Sam is totally deaf in one ear and has sub-normal hearing in the other. My world has been rocked alot lately. When Sam started dealing with the life threatening low blood sugar/seizure issues in May and the seven hospitalizations since and now with us having to check his blood sugar daily...it was rocked. Then when we found out in August that his retina had detached-blown out-imploded and he had NO sight at all in his left eye. That little eye that I fought so hard for, for so long...my world was rocked. But rather than get bitter I CHOSE to trust God. I'm not trusting because I think if I behave a certain way, then God will move a certain way ...NO! I'm trusting because "who do I have in heaven or earth but you O God" There is a peace that I can't explain but I KNOW it's all gonna be alright!

Again, I'm so not perfect. I'm just on a journey like we all are on. Thankfully God works with us all to draw us closer to Him if we chose to do so. As I've walked this journey of mine over the past 13 years since our twins died, I've made so many mistakes and done things I wish I could undo but I'm so thankful that God continued working with me. At one point I was so angry I didn't want to have anything to do with God, Christianity or whatever. But still through all that hurt and anger, God still kept speaking to my heart. I'm so glad He did. It was a process not an overnight one!

A few weeks after Sam was born, I had an "epithamy" in the hallway of Lakeland Regional when I saw a family taking home a perfect baby while mine was in the NICU with so many problems...right then and there, I said in my heart "God I'm going to trust you. I'm not going to walk through that valley of anger and bitterness again" And honestly I've had to restate that a few times but it's easier every time that something happens to trust God. God has always been there to give me comfort when things were bad. When we learned in August that Sam had lost his left eye, I sat on the hospital bed with him just out of surgery and my heart broke. I was alone in the room with him. I had held it together when the doctors talked to us and in the recovery room with people all around but when we were alone and Jon and Steve had gone to get us lunch and it was just me, Sam and God, the tears came. His eye sight is so very fragile and we were warned that day to prepare ourselves, the same thing could happen to his good eye at any time. So of course, my heart was overwhelmed but in that instant, I felt God's presence and I knew everything was going to be ok. Did that mean he'd never have another eye problem? No it meant that one day, he's going to have perfect vision, it may not be on this earth but for all of eternity he will be able to see all that heaven has, he'll see me and he'll see Jesus. This life is but a vapor, a mist...eternity is forever. One day his understanding will be full and he'll be able to hear the angels singing and he'll be able to speak clearly...one day!

If we can view this life in the light of eternity it will make a difference in how we live our lives and how we react when our world is rocked. Trusting God is a process for us humans but He can walk with us through ourlife journey if we let Him. And He can give us the peace that no one else can!

20 years

Last Monday was our 20 years anniversary. Doesn't seem possible that 20 years, two decades have come and gone since that day we eloped and got married at the Bartow courthouse, after only knowing each other one month! What a ride it has been! I truly can say there hasn't been a dull moment! We've taken some big risks and huge leaps of faith and it's been fun!

We didn't know that day when we took each other "for better or worse" exactly what we were committing to, no one does on their wedding day. Those vows have really led us around the world on some crazy adventures. We didn't know we were committing to a little boy who would bring us such heartache but such unexplainable joy...or a little orphan boy in China..or our twins who are in heaven...or our wonderful firstborn Steve. We didn't know all those children lay ahead. Believe me that was not on our mind that day!

We didn't know all the moves we'd make across country or the ministerial positions we'd take. We had no idea what all was in store for us but it's been fun.

On the way, we have had our share of heartache, more than our share. At one point, the heartache was too much and I didn't know if we'd make it but God brought us through and made our marriage stronger than ever.

It's been good and I look forward to many more years with Jon~I hope we live to be old folks and make it to our 60th wedding anniversary, healthy and in our right minds. (That would be better than we are now!) I'd be 84 and Jon would be 85~ so that's my goal:)

We never feel like we've reached some stopping point in our lives. Always we wonder what is ahead for us. Another move, different church...? We like to stay open and flexible. In all this time, we've never really bought a house, we've never wanted to be tied down to any one place. Although now with Sam, I don't see us going to be missionaries in deep dark Africa, but we've still open to new possibilities. Sometimes we look at people that have lived their lives in one place, one job..and feel sorry for them. That would drive us both up the wall. It's not that we're unstable, Jon's been a chaplain for almost 13 years and I worked for the Department for over 7 before Sam was born but we live open to something new changing our lives suddenly~I guess if you get married in a month, you have to be wired to be like that!

Anyhow it's been fun! I've realized so many of my dreams and so has Jon. We've had these great kids, we worked and lived in NYC, Jon's been a chaplain (not a job I really wanted him to take but it fits him like a glove) , he's pastoring a great small but growing church, we've traveled...it's been great! I'm so thankful for God giving me Jon as a husband. He's a wonderful husband and a terrific dad. He puts his family first and that means alot.

Marrying "that poor preacher" was the best decision I have ever made. I'm blessed and have a wonderful life I only dreamed of as a girl. It's not perfect but I have someone who walks with me through those hard times, someone who is there with me in the hospital, and who helps me take care of our munchkins (especially Sam!) I'm blessed!

I meant to write this post on our actually anniversary but couldn't. But I love you Jon!!!!

Thoughts on a chilly morning

I haven't been posting much lately but I keep promising to do so...Life has been crazy for us. Sam continues to have issues with his blood sugar. 2 weeks ago, on Sunday I woke him up to get him ready for church and he was out of it. I yelled for Steve to get some OJ and thankfully Sam could still drink. We loaded him up and rushed him to Lakeland where he stayed for 3 days. His blood sugar had sunk for no reason. (by the way, Steve and I took him so the service could go on...the stress of being a pastor's wife) Finally they gave me an Accura Check machine so I can track his blood sugars. This past week he woke up throwing up and I called Jon to come hom and we took him to the doctor. His blood sugar was high enough we didn't have to go to the ER. This time we managed it at home and he has done ok, still a bit border line in his drinking cause he tends to get real deydrated real quick and he's not been drinking as much as we'd like. So with all of this plus his eyedrops, doctor appts., daily home bound teachers, the other boys/school, the church, Jon's dad in the nursing home, and Jon's work....life is a bit stressful!!!

But I love posting and will try to be more faithful!!

Healing~It's all about TRUST!

What do I, a mom of a special needs child, think of healing? I was raised Pentecostal and have seen thousands of people prayed for over the last 44 years but I can not truly say I've seen a real miracle. We thought that God had touched Sam's eye 2 years ago when the doctors were sure that the retina had detached but even then it was not a total healing, it seemed to be a "crises healing' where nothing got any worse than it originally was. Now however we find that that retina has detached AND the eye is dead/decaying....so was it a "miracle" 2 years ago or just a wrong diagnosis?

In the past 2 years, I have seen three middle aged ministers/spouses die from cancer despite hundreds of prayers...I told Jon recently that I wasn't praying for anyone else because everyone I pray for dies! Three people associated with our church died in the last couple of years also.

My husband is an Assembly of God minister and in our tenets of faith, we believe that healing is provided for in the atonement. In other words, through Jesus' death on the cross, He paid the price for our healing. So where is all the healing? I have friends who are in different denominations and fellowships and they don't see healings either, Church of God, Word of Faith etc...They are all "believing God for a miracle" but the miracles never come. I don't mean "miracle" like "PTL, my headache is gone..." Or some medically explainable reversal happens, like someone responses to chemo or surgery. I mean there are no miracles that I know of that have happened without medical intervention ones that can be proven by medical records.

Are you seeing the blind healed, the deaf hearing, the lame walking? How about the Down's syndrome or child with CP healed? Are people being healed of AIDS? It is not happening!

Even in the NT Bible times, Paul wrote of saints dying, he told Timothy to take a little wine for the stomach sake (seems to indict that Timothy may have had some stomach problems) and he talked about having to leave one of his workers behind as he was ill. Paul even talked about his thorn in the flesh that many feel was poor eyesight, so not everyone walked in "divine healing"

I see now especially in the Charismatic/Word of Faith movement ministers get sick or have a child with problems, they want to play it down. One big leader in the Word of Faith movement has s son with autism and the boy is almost an adult and it is played down so much. Why? Because I feel since the child is not perfect and the healing hasn't come, the minister is afraid of being looked down on for not having enough faith... I know another minister who has a child with a physical deformity and they are always "believing God for a miracle" Get over and accept your children!

What is REAL FAITH? Is it not, just simply trusting God? It has always worried me when folks run around chanting silly things and expecting God to move. When a certain phrase is uttered and we expect God to HAVE to do something to please us, then what's the difference between Christians and people that believe in voodoo? It's all man trying to make God move in a way that makes them happy! Wow, us insignificant humans trying to tell the God of this universe what to do! Is that not the stupidest thing you've ever heard????

So where does that leave us, are we without hope? No~ we have hope. If you trust in God, no matter what the outcome, He will take care of you. You may not get what YOU want and live forever on this earth, but you will live forever with Him. Will I quit praying for God to heal Sam? No, but I do pray for God's will to be done. How safe is that? Years ago, I wasn't sure about that, I half thought it was always God's will to heal, and now I know it is His will but our timing and His may not be the same. We ALL want the quick fix instead of allowing the circumstances of our lives push us towards God. But if we will trust God enough to say "Father your will be done" is that not true faith. Trusting the He knows what is best, and that He knows the end from the beginning, frees us to know we are in His hands! He should be the driver of our life and we should be the passenger. Who is in control of your life? God or you?

It seems so simple to me. God made this earth perfect. Adam and Eve chose to sin thus sin and death entered the world. God sent Jesus to redeem the world and save us. However we still live in a fallen world thus we deal with death and disease until that final day when we go to be with the Lord or He comes to get us. That is it in a nutshell.

So how do I deal with this personally? I truly trust God. There is nothing else I can do. I have found a peace that truly passes all understanding. Does that mean I never am sad or worried about Sam's condition? No but even when my heart is aching I can whisper, "God I trust you" Does that make me a saint? No that ain't happening! But I know in my core that God is in control so no matter what happens, I can lean on Him! I don't know why God is not moving with signs and wonders in this particular time but I believe He could if He chooses to do so. I don't think that we as the body of Christ is in such gross sin that God can't move but I rather feel that God seems to move in waves if you look at church history. Obviously when Jesus was on the earth, He did alot of healings BUT He didn't heal everyone EVERYWHERE he went for various reasons. He died heal Lazarus and raise him from the dead but Lazarus still died. I don't see him walking around anywheres today. In the NT times, there were healings but as I wrote before, there was also place for sickness and obviously everyone ws not healed. In church history there are healings throughout but not huge amounts until we get to 1940-70. There seemed to be an out pouring of healing around the world at that time. Then by the 80's healings had become weird. I remember some guy praying for my cuz I had one leg longer than the other according to him. I was trying not to crack up while it was going on. He pronounced me healed and whole and I never even knew I had a problem:) I hear of healing over seas but in this day and age, if there were healings that could be documented, it would be on the news, at least Christian news. I don't hear of our missionaries getting people healed of AIDS. If it was happening, I would hear it!!!

We have taken Sam forward for prayer for healing many times. We taken him to services where there was a well known minister who has seen some documented healings in the past and we had Sam prayed for. We were invited as pastors to another service when he was little and a well known evangelist was going to pray for him. He knew we were there as invited guests and he called us forward for prayer. He was such a farce and a fake it was unbelievable! Instead of praying for Sam, he said I need to have my eyes healed, cuz it was a generational curse. (My eye problem and Sam's problem is not even in the same category of eye problems) So he proceeded to pray for me ON CAMERA! He never did pray for Sam. I just stood there and glared at him then took my baby and went to the back of the auditorium and cried. I cried out of frustration that someone would be so fake and weird! But through it all, I knew in my heart that I could trust God!!! If somethinkg like that were to ever happen to me again, I would rebuke the minister before the congregation. And if you want to know who it was, feel free to call me!

So do I not believe in healing? No I believe God can heal. I just think we Christians think the healing should come when and where we want. Would I love for Sam to be healed? DUMB QUESTION! of course I would love that! I dream of that happening but I trust God!!!!!!! No matter how long we live on this earth, it is but a blink of the eye in the light of eternity and I know then my son will be totally healed and I can't wait for that day! Until then I will trust God, if God heals him on this earth as a sign and a wonder so be it! I will give God all the praise but if He waits until that we stand before Him, I will still give Him all the praise and the glory!!!!!

August

What a month from the fun of General Council and seeing so many old friends to the swine flu.....

We had a great time at our church's General Council, it's held every 2 years. This year it was in Orlando and really easy for us to go to. We had a blast. Honestly the best part to me was seeing all our old SEC and ministry chums. We all had stories to tell about the ministry over the last few years.

Then we took Sam to Miami on August 19th for an surgery. It was a stressful time even in planning it as we now have to take into account his low blood sugar. There was controversy while we were driving down as to where he'd be on the surgery schedule. I got really upset as I had asked to have this all straighten out so I wouldn't get stressed out prior to the surgery no such luck. We almost turned around and came home but decide to go through wit it .

For the first time we found a good hotel sorta near the hospital. It was a Hampton Inn and so nice and only a few exits from the hospital worked out great. We've always HATED every place we've stayed down there. If it was close to the hospital it was gross if it was nice, it was too far away...

On the way to the hospital, Sam threw up a little. They decided to go ahead and take him in. so when we got there at 8:30, they were ready for him. Then the nurses were snapping at us, asking us where we'd been...I quite clearly told them that we were told to be there at 8:30 for surgery at 10 am. One snappy nurse looked at the orders and then apologized

The right eye is fine but the left eye has lost all sight. His retina detected and has disergrated. When the retina is gone, there is nothing medical science can do at this point and there is no hope. I was devastated. He started throwing up in recovery so we stayed until about 7pm so he could stay on IVs and then drove home got here about 1 am. He woke up throwing up and we had to take him to the ER and of course he was hospitalized. We tried to bring him home on Friday but he got sick and we had to turn around and take him back. He can't manage his sugar so he has to be on IVs. He finally came home on Sat night

On Monday school started and Shad went off to kindergarten and Steve to 8th grade!! They go to a nice Christian school. Shad loves school but unfortunately got sick with the swine flu last Saturday so he's on bed rest and we're all on Tami flu....

so in anutshell that has been my month! Wonder why I have't blogged? I'll put more details later, just wanted to post something....

Religion sucks

Last night I had a weird experience that I want to share...

On Sunday nights, we have home group in our house. We are studying the book of Romans and have great discussion about the scriptures. Everyone in our church loves the group and it gets rather crowded on some nights. After we finish, we have supper together and spend like an hour or so just hanging out. It's great and it is perfect for our church.

Well last night a couple of families had driven up and I walked outside our fence. Happy got out and ran over to a new truck that had pulled up. The couple was sitting in the truck and I thought they were afraid of Happy so I walked over and began talking with them. I invited them in to our home and explained that we do a small group on Sunday nights. They began responding by being rude! The man said "No one has church anymore on Sunday night" I said we were having church, just not in the sanctuary but that they were welcomed to join us. He said " No we're going to go on down the road.." Then the wife says as they are driving off "And people put the words to songs on the walls" I just rolled my eyes out of my head! We laughed about it and went on and had a great time without the couple.

Later Jon and I were discussing the situation and began talking about how RELIGIOUS people do not like to change. They feel if it was good enough 50 years ago, it's good enough now. Well that just doesn't work in the world we live in. Now the gospel does NOT change but the way we reach out does and we as leaders need to be flexible and change our way of doing things in order to minister to the needs of the congregation and the lost.

The main reason the church's name was changed, was for a new start for this old church and to show to the neighborhood what is the focus of our church ~ Grace, the grace of God. The grace of God is what draws people to Him.

When God first put the home group idea in Jon's heart, I was not really feeling it but I really see how it ministers to the congregations! It's amazing what happens in and through the group! Now we all look forward to Sunday nights with a new expectation that we are going to learn together and share our lives together. I can't get over how folks are touched and just how they enjoy it.

We made some real changes in the past year, in order to minister to the congregation and it's been so good. Again the gospel never changes but in the world we live in, the way we share it has to change with the times. People are so busy and their lives are so tightly scheduled. They have the Internet, Face book, IM, twitter...We have to connect to folks where they are not what's easiest for us! We have to realize we live in 2009 not 1949! Life is much more complicated and busy now. And people crave, real fellowship with each other ~ discussing the Word and learning how to walk this walk of faith.

I grew up around religion and it does suck. That's not what Jesus died on the cross for so we can have a traditional service on a Sunday night and use hymnals...Grow up and move on! There is nothing wrong with a traditional service. I like Sunday night services in church but I'm mature enough to realize, that's not the only way God can move!!! I love hymns and I know them all so I don't need a hymnal or the "words on a screen" but my relationship with God is not based on either! If that is the only kind of service that is "spiritual" what would you tell someone in a Muslim nation who has to worship quietly with a handful of believers in a small room on a Tuesday night...?

Jon always says that my place in the body of Christ is to kill religious cows! And it is true, I can spot legalism and bondage a mile away! God has brought me through so much in my life, that I have such a solid foundation, that people's opinions of me don't bother me. If I sense a "religious" spirit or attitude, I'm going to deal with it and help to protect our church. It's really weird how we get folks like that who pop up occasionally. We don't encourage nor welcome someone with an attitude that is like that. I had someone call me a few months ago who was interested in attending our church and working in it. I could tell this guy was a church hopper and very legalistic ~ he was all about the KJV ONLY. He wanted assurance from us that he'd be allowed to preach here if he attended. After I finished laughing , I told him "No way Jose"! I also told him that he needed to learn to submit to a godly pastor and not expect to minister in a church if he was not faithful and submitted!

So to the couple who left, there's a couple of things I'd like to say...first be open to God doing something NEW! Second Submit to the pastor you are under. I could tell they were from a church background and if I could guess, I'd say they've never learned to submit and they get mad at the preacher and try to control him. They probably have little to no spiritual life on their own. Third "Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you"! We are about knowing God and experiencing Him not a list of rules!!

SEC Reunion~invitation!

Sunday August 9th 11am @ Grace Church 7060 Berry Road Zephryhills Fl 33540 (352) 567 6208. We're 15 min north of the Lakeland Mall. It's for anyone in this area or if you're still here following General Council.

JUSTIN FENNEL our favorite comedian will be speaking! Following the service we will have a FREE cookout here at the church and spend time getting reacquainted!

This is for anyone regardless of your SEC "group"! Come one come all. Feel free to tell non Face book friends about this. SEC teachers and staff are invited too! It'll be fun~ please RSVP!

Thanks to Pam W and Brenda G for this great idea!!!!

Hope to see ya there,
Yvonne Mock Clanton

I really need a count so if you're coming please RSVP so we will have enough food:) 352 567 6208