My blog is open....

so my blog is open again...as you can see, I've not been blogging much! I think for me, this expirence has been so intense, I've done better making like short remarks on FB:) It's not that is has been bad, just alot ot take in.

We are allowed to see the girls daily and are so thankful for the expirence we have had at our institution. We have been given nothing but kindness & good care! We feel blessed.

Sarah is totally bonded with us. It is like she has been our child forever and a day! Her little face, so like Sam's started me on a journey I could NOT say no to! It is easy for us to read her moods and respond to them. She is unbeleiveably like Sam, I don't know how else to say it. He certainly prepared us for her. She is small, she is not awfully thin but she needs to gain some weight. There is something wrong with her as far as she starts gagging if she eats much. I feed her every day and see her do it & it is scary. I beleive she is being taken care of here but there is a lack of medical services in this town, it is such a poor region. She has started to pull herself up on the couch now:) We are so proud of her. She does get a little tired of being held after about an hour or so but for a child who is blind and in an orphange, she tolerates alot more than we thought she would. We know how Sam is and he has been ours since day one and he gets to stimulated if he is held for too long.

Selah is a BIG girl, no weight problems with her at all! She can walk, has just learned in the past year. Her caregiver from Life 2 Orphans has worked with her and she does walk but not far distances. She is very short but quite round:) She finds it more difficult to relate to us. She wants to so bad but she is having to learn. She has had a more difficult time in life as she was in several placements over her short life time. We love to see how she never wants us to leave which is reassuring. She is so cute and tries to talk to us. she really doens't have much language but she does vocalize.

We see them each morning and then we explore the town. We've gone to the Russian Orthdox Church & gotten blessed for giving a small offering ( got soaked) we gone to the markets, to the local cematary, to a Pentcostal church... we want to expirence this section of the world! I've taken hundreds of pictures so we'll never forget this trip for sure:)

I'm going to try and go back and fil in some stuff and do better writing on here...
We have to go to an interent cafe which makes it a bit harder to really go with my thoughts PLUS the spell check doesn't work on here now....lol that is terrible!!!

Update

I keep having issues with getting on here...

So after the train trip from hell...we took a 1.5 bone jarring ride on a dirt road to the town. We first had to meet with officals, then one went with us to meet our girls......Of course when we got to the instituion we had to do some more offical things...then the walk to them....

I remember thinking, this is the 2nd time in my life to meet a child like this... We walked into an older but clean building, walked up a flight of stairs, opened a door and there they were!!!!! Oh my gosh...I just started bawling. now I have another "first" picture in my mind never to forget, the moment you see your child for the first time...Selah was standing and Sarah was sitting in a little wheelchair....I put one hand on both of them, I didn't know who to grab first:) Tears were flowing...unbelieveable to have come so far, thru so cuch and here they are!!!!!! Just like meeting all my boy, it was a holy moment. for each child of mine, I have that sweet memoray of when I saw their faces for the first time...now I have this for the girls.

Yes Sarah looks like Sam's double, unreal.... Selah is such a funny little girl, so pretty... Sarah soon got tired of being close to her (Sam is like that too) and she slithered out of the wheelchair and rolled on the floor some but then let me hold her. Selah was just overwhelmed with everything but did ok. She loved Jon and started holind his hand. He also held Sarah and sang to her and she enjoyed that very much.

Selah is a chunky very healthy little girl. She is so short, at 7.5 yrs old, Sam is so much bigger than her ( FINALLY children that he is bigger than lol) She has CP, but can walk. She definelty has some different type behaviors and a very short attention span. We've never met a child exactly like her to be honest. But we love her already. It will be interesting to get a diagnosis and see how we can help her the best.

Sarah is so like Sam...she looks like him and has behaviors like him. Of course Sam has had so many advantages that she has not had, so his behaviors are more easy to deal with. She is tiny, but not sick at all. Shad was so sick when I got him, I'm jsut thankful that neither girl is like that! But she will need some medical care as soon as we get home. We found out she has a heart mummer so we will get that seen about soon.

Now we have been here in their town for almost two weeks. We see them as often as we can, not on weekends...or today since ll the paperwork is behing us for now, we have a date set for court and we are looking forward to getting all that done! We expect to be here at least 3 full weeks probaly 4 weeks more...it's just how it rolls here... but it is worth it for them!!!!!!

Hoepfully we will soon get interent in our nice apartment, I'll probably update on here more. Everything has goen well except for my tummy....can't find much of anything to eat, everything just tastes "off' to me... but I will live:) At least I'll lose weight!

Blog is working!!!!!!!!! UPDATE TIME!

So where do I start now that my blog is back again?? Today we have been here for over a week and have met our girls...all is well:) so I'm going to start from last weeek!


We flew out on Friday March 30th....Tampa to Charlotte. Charlotte to Munich, Munich to Kiev Ukraine....all together about a 24 hour trip. with layovers and such. The kids did great. Sam loved flying, he didn't fuss until we'd landed in Kiev. thank God, I didnt' know how that was going to go!! I hate to fly but all was good except for some AWFUL turblance over Irealnd. It woke me up & I reminded God we were off doing His work and He needed to watch over us! And He did:) We flew over Ireland, England, Paris France and into Germany. It was quite amazing to me to watch the map on the screen and the various names of towns as we flew over, so much histroy.

We were taken to the Hospitality House, a ministry that allows a family to stay for free. It was in the old part of the city and very interesting. History was all around us! We were extremely comfortable. Last Sunday we took a taxi to the International Church ( aministy of the Assembly of God) and enjoyed the service.

Monday moring was our DAP appointment, which gave us permission to meet the girls. It went well and we learned a little about Selah. It was almost anti climatic, how easy it was thankfully.

Tuesday we went sightseeing as we waitied on our paperwork. We went to a World War 2 Muesum that celebrated Russia's victoy over Germany. It was moving and made me realize how much the whole world suffered during that terrible time. There were two rooms devoted to the concernations camps. We did not take pictures, it was too sacred & we were all moved totears. There was an actual table used as a gulletin, so awful...Kiev was occupied for several years & many were killed. Near Kiev there was a concentration camp just for children....so very sad.


That night we took an overnight train to Torez, we'd like to call it the Train trip from Hell!!!!! LOL it was rough. we thought Sam would love it, NOT SO!!!! It was a Long HOT night.... I finally went to sleep around 3am local time, but woke up soon as the sun came up. All I could think was that we were just hours from meeting our girls. It was an amazing feeling!!!!!!

Close....

Only a few more days till we leave, trying to finish up all the last minute things but it is hard for me! I'm usually so organized but I'm not so much right now...

We're so close but I'm just petrified that something will happen and we will lose the girls. Since Seth got adopted (knowing their country doesn't' recognize us until after our first appointment) it is hard for me. I guess it's like having a miscarriage, after the first one you know everything doesn't always end up perfect. "Once bitten twice shy" is how I'm feeling. Please pray that everything goes alright & nothing gets in the way of our adopting Sarah and Selah!

Last night I reread Tina Kacireck's blogs about the institution we are going to. They adopted from there in Dec 2010. If you really want to know what we will be facing emotionally, spiritually, then go back and read her blog....I read it last night in tears. My husband was moved just by what I told him of the "other children" the ones we can't take home....All I can say is "God help me" Help me not to get too broke emotionally and help me to bring joy to the other children while we are there. We are bringing Stephen with us, I do not know how he will handle this either. He is so tenderhearted. It will change his life forever no doubt. I believe he will never live just for himself after being there. I hate that mentality of "Us 4 and no more" I see that in some folks lives & it makes me sick...Unfortunately some of the people I see that in are Christians. It's one thing to see that in the world it's another to see in so called Christians... I've never wanted to live my life like that but I see it....wonder how they will respond when they stand before God on that day? I don't say that pridefully, there are times I WISH I could pass by situations and not get involved but I just can not do it. Getting involved is messy, whether it's a stray dog or sick cat or a person who has problems, or an orphan halfway around the world. But as christians I believe we are commanded to get involved in other's situations and do what we can. There is a scripture in Proverbs that say "to do whatever we can to do good to others, inasmuch as it is in your power to do so" I know I mangled that verse to shreds and the Bible Man is not here right now ...LOL

But that is my life verse, God doesn't ask you or me to do what we can not do, just what we can do. But so many people don't even do what they can do!! Let's NOT be like that!!!!!


Tina's blog is kacirek.blogspot.com After reading this, you guys may have to take up a collection for us to buy a bus:)


So I'm sitting here this Sunday morning knowing next Sunday I will be on the other side of the world in a strange place. Please pray for us. I've never asked for prayers any harder except for when Sam was so little and sick. God heard our cries then and I pray He does now I can truly say I'm at the end of myself, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, every way, I'm emptied. I'm a mess.... I do not have the strength for "what lies ahead" I need God's help. This i far more than an adoption, so different than Shad's adoption. Our hearts are going to be opened to needs that we have never seen before. Sure I've been to an orphanage, for about an hour, to get my son and then the rest of the time, I was in a nice hotel, playing with my cleaned up baby. This is not going to be like that. The adoption process is long & tedious especially for two children. There are so many things that have to happen for it all to work. We won't be handed a little boy and be gone from the orphanage in an hour...No we will visit the children daily, twice a day, under the watchful eyes of staff who do not understand WHY we want to adopt SN children. Our girls are not 2 year old, they are 5 & 7 year old who have never known the love of a family...from what we understand they are delayed cognitively. They have suffered extreme malnourishment, at this time they seem on the road to recovery but we know from Shad, that the affects of malnourishment takes a toil. He still has behaviors stemming from that time in his life. There will be needy children and adults there, it is a mental institution for children and adults. Not a mental institution like we think of in the USA, put a place SN children have been placed and have grown into adults there, children/adults who have physical handicaps that have not been able to be addressed because of lack of specialized medical care in their country. Remember just a few years ago, this was a communist country and they are learning to change from that. The country is in recovery but it is a poor country. It's a different world than the one I've been blessed to live in!!!

We've been in difficult situation many times in our lives, we worked in the inner city of NYC & saw some things...but this we know is going to be difficult. I'm afraid of the experience, I will be honest. I'm afraid of where it will take me emotionally. I'm being honest. I have no preconceived ideas of a rosy easy trip with all flowers & sunshine....but I know that God set us on this path.

When I saw Sarah's picture all I knew is that needed a family. Obviously we've adopted internationally before, so I had some idea of what to expect , or so I thought... When I learned she was at a mental institution, and what that meant, and where it was, I remember just grabbing Jon and asking him "WHY did God ask this of us??" Why couldn't we have seen her picture years ago when she was at a baby house? Don't I sound like a whinny brat? Here this child has lived like this for years and I do not want to have to share in her suffering at all, I want to go pick her up and whisk her away...I was THRILLED to be able to leave Shad's orphanage. It was hard, I saw the children in his room and they all grabbed for me. I kidded myself then that they'd all find homes and live happily ever after as I ran out to the taxi with my son. This time there will be no fairy tales, as I see men and women who have been in this place for years, decades, with no hope. I will know what lies ahead for the children we see there... and I'm afraid of how it will change ME! Will it make the purchases at the mall seem even less important, will it make the security in our lives seem hollow? How will I go back to my comfortable life? I don't know...I sit here with tears falling... God help me.

Questions for you

For you guys reading this ...

did you have trouble signing in to read the blog? I'm getting odd emails saying that various differnet emails were signed in on using different names including my email. Since I don't know how this whole thing works with a private blog, I don'tknow if I should be worried or not...just let me know if you had any problems whatsoever
theclanton5@aol.com

Reality

Ahh the reality of adoption...all I can do is compare it to childbirth...when you are to the end or even in labor...and there is no backing out...I experienced it in both of my pregnancies..."What the he__ have we done?" I experienced it when we adopted Shad and am in the middle of it RIGHT NOW!!!!

I feel guilty even admitting to it but it's the reality (for me) I've never been one of those people who wanted a large family. In all actuality, that's what took us so long to have our first child. I can't get pregnant easily and we'd start fertility and then stop it cause we both were a bit unsure about the whole child thingy! If you notice it took us 6 yrs before we had Steve and then almost 9 years before Sam! I was always a bit afraid of children. Now I LOVE my boys and wouldn't trade them for the world BUT with each pregnancy, I experienced a feeling of being trapped! Like oh my gosh WHAT were we thinking!!!!!

Felt the same way when I was leaving to go get Shad. I remember my bro in law driving me to the airport and I was crying and asking him why we were doing this? I know he loves me but he was probably rolling his eyes a bit! (I went by myself so that was stressful)

Well right now, I'm not crying and I am excited but I have a bit of that feeling that I am on the roller coaster, locked in and there is no getting off....AND this time there is not just one child coming but TWO!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! So the reality of the commitment we are making is sinking in.

The fear of the unknown, this long massive trip, halfway across the world, with my family...the month long stay in a country that will not have the same things that we are used to...the INTENSIVE experience of visiting the children 2x a day in a mental institution, seeing and experiencing things I have never experienced...yes I will be honest, I'm afraid. I'm afraid for my heart. I'm afraid I will be crushed by the raw reality. Me, I can't go to an animal shelter, it breaks my heart. HOW am I going to leave other children behind? We currently support a child there who is very medically fragile, I will see her, I've bought things for her but I will leave her...HOW will my heart handle this? I don't know....I do not want to have to do this but this is where our daughters are at.

The first time I saw Sarah's picture I was so troubled I could not sleep..soon we committed to adopting this little one who looks so much like our sweet Sam. Then knowing Seth was in the same institution with a similar diagnosis, we committed to him. As you know another family adopted him. Then we were sent a picture of another little girl who is at the same place who needs a family too and we committed to her.


Committing to Selah has been harder for me. First I didn't want to replace Seth, I am not one to adopt just to adopt. It is a very serious commitment especially for children who will need life long care. She is beautiful but does not have vision issues, we are not exactly sure of her diagnosis only that she was sent to a mental institution rather than a regular orphanage. So that uncertainty was harder for me than for Jon. He just said she looks peaceful, she needs us, let's go for two girls:) I smile when I write this because he has had so much faith in this area, where I've been more concerned. I'm used to a child with vision issues and cognitive delays, I KNOW how to deal with a child like that, unknowns are scary to me.

So since Monday, I've had one heck of an upset stomach. This is one way to lose weight LOL! Got our tickets and all that is good, except for how much I HATE to fly! Pretty much am packed which takes a load off of me. now I just have to get our paperwork in order (got a lot of things that I have to print out and take) need to clean my house and we are ready to go! We even did a will and it was actually fun:) I'm weird, what can I say!!!

So we are about to embark on the biggest adventure (up to this point) in our lives and we have had some adventures for sure!!! I'm nervous, got alot of emotions going on...but as always I'm honest, I'm excited but it's kinda like that roller coaster, you get on cause you want to then you are strapped in for the ride ...well I'm strapped in:) Ready to go, sorta LOLOL scared, hopeful, so many different emotions..

If you have not adopted let me tell you it is the most surreal feeling in the world, when you see that child for the first time. The kid you went around the world for, prayed for, raised the finances for...it's unreal! I literally remember not being able to get my breath and my heart pounding out of my chest...as they handed me my funny little Shad! What a moment...it's like child birth but it is different too...(heck of alot LESS painful!!!)


So I ask selfishly that you pray that my heart/emotions can handle the reality that these children face daily. I feel so selfish asking for that because they live in that situation, and I do not want to see it. But at the same time, I've always wanted my heart tender towards the things that touch God's heart. But I'm afraid of the pain...Pray for our travel,, you do know how much I hate to fly. The trip will basically take, with layovers about 30 hours...WITH Sam!!! God help us all..... Pray that we stay healthy through out the trip, there is little in the way of medical care, pray especially for Sam...when I even start thinking of various things that could happen, I feel faint! We are going to be especially careful with his eyes so he doesn't get any type of infection. Pray that the girls will accept us. they have never known a family and not every child is like Shad was. He acted like he was ready to go and what took me so long to get there? He was unique, not every child acts like that or accepts the new family so readily. Pray that they stay healthy as we travel home with them. pray that no one steals our things during the trip. Some families experienced thefts from airport workers. Pray that the USA doesn't get into a war with Iran while we are there only a few hours flight from Iran!!! (we are specifically flying a non American airline for safety reasons) I feel very needy right now!!!

Thank you all for standing with us these past few months, we are in awe of God's provision and take that as a further sign that we are on the right path. Thank you for your prayers, we REALLY appreciate them!!!!!

DATE!!!

If you haven't heard...we have our date!!! April 2nd and will see the girls April 5th!!! Thank you Lord!!!!!! Easter in Ukraine!!!!! got a million things to do!! So excited!!!!