We didn't share our reservation about adopting Selah publicly but I want to share it now in hopes it will be an encouragement to you!
If you've been following my blog, you know that Selah was a surprise to us in this adoption. When the little guy we were going ot adopt, became unavailable, we found out about her and made plans to adopt her. What you do not know is what happened when we met her...
Before we left for Ukraine I had a disturbing dream about Selah. We did not believe she was blind or that she had CP as was reported to us. She didn't look blind in the photos and she was obviously walking ( I know you can walk with CP but we didn't think she had it) In my dream she was just out of control! I didn't freak too much about it, I knew it was probably just my own fears coming out but..... We were concerned knowing she had mental delays, but could get around. Sam & Sarah being blind/low vision are very vulnerable to being hurt, pushed down etc.. and we knew Sam isn't really verbal and assumed Sarah was even more delayed than Sam.
The day we met Selah & Sarah....Sarah was just like we expected, we have a son who is delayed and born blind so we knew exactly what to expect from Sarah and were drawn to her. With Selah, we were drawn to her & felt love & compassion for her. But she scared us. I don't know if I can do justice to how she was acting but I will try. Her eyes darted around like she was on speed. She was jittery, NO focus whatsoever...she fell all over Sarah which of course worried us. She acted like Sarah wasn't even there at all. She didn't want to be held but for a second at the most. She was nervously pulling strings off her clothes & making noises. No connection whatsoever. We do not feel she was on drugs although we asked!!!! We really feel it was all emotional. I could easily tell Jon was very disturbed and I let him answer the question "will you take both of them?" He answered
yes without hesitation, thank God, Jon is a committed type of guy!
We couldn't talk freely till we got back ot our apartment. Then we started talking. We talked about her need, our family and the fact God had provided the money for her adoption and so many assurances that we were on the right road. We had some major fears but we had no one to talk to, no doctor to take her to, nothing...But we committed.
We met them on a Wednesday to be quite honest we only saw them a little bit that day, and the next two then it was the weekend! Thank God that we had it free, we really didn't want to see them right then. We needed to kinda regroup with Selah and needed some space. As far as me, I was just having to die to myself, in my mind over and over...I kept it inside, didn't even talk about it too much to Jon. Sometimes we've found if we talk about something TOO much as we are going thru it, it makes it worse. So I was dealing with it...And he was dealing with it alo. But we are the type that f we set out ot do something, we're going to do it come hell or high water!
We kept seeing them, kept going forward in the paperwork, kept trusting, seeing NO change in Selah. We also had to deal with different people coming through the area we would see the girls in and distracting her even more so. I finally had to be almost rude to some of the older ladies (residents) in order to get them to leave as we knew we needed one on one time with Selah. I want to clarified we had a love for her but we couldn't know if that love would be returned.
We would play with Sarah and Sarah would laugh, and Selah would watch and sometimes, scoot over on her bottom. You could tell she wanted to join in but didn't know how. She'd get upset fast if we tickled her like we did Sarah but she seemed to enjoy watching us play with Sarah. How sad is that?
Sarah is much more obviously disabled, but emotionally, she was right with us from day one! Where Selah looks more normal, nothing obvious much with her but her emotions were so damaged!
We began bringing in treats and that seemed to help some. We began seeing little break through, she'd hold a glance for a minute, or maybe reach out to hold our fingers. THEN it got warm enough to go outside. For the first few days, it was just us and the girls on the veranda. Finally we started seeing some smiles and laughs even.
It happened so gradually with Selah, but by the last week or so, she'd cry when it was time for us to leave, even tho she still didn't want alot of touch and didn't look us in the eye much. We were happy for her cries! At least it showed she preferred us! YOu have NO idea how happy we were that she cried! We'd get in the van and be laughing and talking about how she wanted us to stay!
On "Gotch day" we had NO idea how she would do...first we went back to our apartment and finished packing and gave both girls a bath. Then a 1.5 drive to the bus station. Then the overnight train ride...she did fine. On the train she was the happiest I'd ever seen her, she couldn't' sleep and she did rock her head back and to some but she was happy.
Things just got better and better...the time in Kiev, the trip home...
And now a month later, I can tell you this little girl relates to her family, interacts with her brothers and sister, smiles, looks us in the eyes...emotionally she is healing. Selah is delayed and probably has a chromonsal disorder and will never be "normal" but she learning LOVE!!! And learning trust!
Selah's story is uniquely sad...she and her biological siblings were taken from the home (all I can say is it is a poor country and if they were taken form the home because it was "unhygienic" it must have been bad!) She was two at he time. She first went to a hospital for 6 months! Then a shelter, another shelter, a baby orphanage for a few months and then to the institution at 4 years old. So at 4 this little girl went ot a mental instiuion....it might have been the most stable thing in her world to be honest. In the past year, she was given an individual caregiver through Life 2 Orphans. That caregiver taught the now SEVEN year old Selah how to walk! She walks funny but she walks! Selah would give little smiles to her caregiver & that gave us hope in the beginning too. There was an older girl in Selah's room, a girl too old to be adopted, with twisted legs, but that girl would play with Selah like she was her own baby...thank God! I think of both of those ladies as the only thing that kept Selah from losing her little mind! As emotionally handicapped as she is, I believe she would have been far worse if it weren't for those two ladies in her life!!!
We stepped out in faith, not knowing what the outcome would be, just knowing she was placed in our lives for us to care for her. We're not saints, there were days, when I jsut wanted to run away from her and the situation. Days when I thought "what the heck do we think we are dong???" I was afraid of the future, afraid of how she would react in our home. I've seen enough reality tv to know some kids are like wild animals. But I said yes to God, although I had fears, lots of fears... And we feel in love with her and her funny little ways, often we compared her to my funny grandmother who certainly had her own ways & was quite grumpy in a funny way. We started looking forward to seeing her, we celebrated each new thing, even if it was just her standing by Jon's leg during a little program. Or her taking one of our fingers to hold ...whatever..we thanked God for it and told each other we'd help her to have a better life. We didn't try to make some type of goal, for that life, just that it would be better than it was then!
And now a month later, she follows me around the house, laughs, looks us in the eye, reaches for us, cuddles on our laps for an hour at a time..you have no idea what a miracle this is. WE are so thankful! And FYI, we don't think we are "super parents", in fact we've done little but love on her, include her in everything and give her a sense of family. We are NOT saints. Actually I've used all my years of working with stray animals to help me with both girls. I don't' push them emotionally, if I feel them tense up, I back off and give them their space. And of course we learned alot from Sam who was so tactical defensive from birth! He was a great teacher LOL and of course from Shad's adoption also. She still has a long way to go, and may never heal completely but we are committed to her for the rest of our lives & we are honored that God gave us this special little girl!!!!
I'm sharing this with you to give you HOPE! HOPE that anything in your life can change, in the broad sense and hope for adoptive families... Sometimes people only hear the glowing stories, they don't' hear the truth. I feel once a situation is under control, it is good to share with others. I didn't share this except with a few friend as it was unfolding...it was too tender & I really didn't want a lot of input, no one else was living the situation like we were, no one could even meet her so it did no good to put it all out there. It was something we had to settle in our hearts & minds that we were committed WHATEVER the outcome! I thank God for the peace and love He gave to us as we walked through this. Now we look at her and think "we couldn't have missed this..." Thank God we didn't let fear keep us from LOVE!!!!!
So don't let fear rule your life....step out do something for God. You only have ONE life in which to live & make a difference! When I get o the end of my life, I don't' want any regrets of things I should have done, or things I'd thought about doing...JUST DO IT! If it is something that God commands us to do, and it's on your heart, don't let fears keep you from it! You may have battles along the way, battles with fear, yourself...but trust God! And do it for Him, you'll find the sweetest peace & joy, I can assure you of that!
