The Call

A year ago today I got "the Call"...a real literal call telling me our lives were about to change.  Not everyone gets such a call. 

Our paperwork had been in country for two months as we waited through all the Ukraine shut downs for Christmas, various holidays, the change over at the adoption office...finally some families started getting their calls telling them they had a date to meet with the DAP to get their child's referral...I was JEALOUS when I heard others got their dates, I was ready!  So that fateful Monday morning I had really just about given up hope.  Many times the call came early (like 6 am early)  so by the time it was 9 am, almost all hope was gone.  I was still sitting on the couch with my home phone and cell beside me and on the computer looking to see if anyone else in our group got their call when the phone rang....  OMGosh....it was our stateside helper telling me we had a date to meet the DAP at 10 am on April 2 .....WOOHOO!!!  I cried and screamed and the poor lady hung up to call others, with her ears ringing:) 

I called Jon and then set about booking our tickets immediately.  We were leaving on March 30th to meet our girls......

Knowing that the call was coming, I was trying to pack our bags but not being able to get too far with them.  The call did not help, it made things even crazier:)  I HATE to fly and so now I had that to dread too but we were going...Someone in the goverment of Ukraine was kind enough to see our paperwork and give us a date.  I was excited/scared/terrified/ and kinda was thinking we'd lost our ever living minds:)

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So that begins my first blog about our one year anniversary.....I plan on blogging about it since I didn't when we were in Ukraine for the most part.  I have some great pictures to share.  Thankfully I saved my pictures by the dates so I will know the corresponding dates/posts.... 

Selah had PT this morning and that seems to just center her for the day.  Her nurse took her outside for awhile also.  She is relaxed and we have only one week and six days till the casts come off!  WE gave her a real bath today and then I blowdried her hair.  She looks so good and clean.  It takes me and the nurse and Steve to get her in and out even with the bath chair but once she is in the tub, the bath chair is the BOMB:)  I got her squeaky clean today:)

Finally I started back walking.  Before we left for Ukraine I walked just about every day for 3-5 miles a day for years.  Once we came home I walked some but it was challenging to get the three little ones up, breakfasted, and ready to meet my friends.  I only went a few times and then I had a horrible issue with my foot that ended up requiring several surgeries.  Then NY happened....so anyhow I am back, full speed ahead.  We did three miles this morning on the Mountain:)  Our hospital has a cardiac 1/2 mile track that will kick a Florida's girl's butt!  It has real hills built in.   So this morning we did it 6 times around.  It felt great, love the burn and the sweat:) Even got to go out with my friend to eat breakfast since she had some unexpected free time!   Came home and finished the garden, put in two box gardens of potatoes and one with carrots.  Then I ran to the store, and got "The Hobbit" my kids have been dying to see it.  They saw it when it came out in theaters but was ready for it to come to the Clanton Theater.  I also found Duck Dynasty season 1 and 2!  HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY:)    Yes we like DD.  When I first started seeing folks post about it I thought it sounded crazy...yep that's about right, crazy like I grew up.  I know so many good old boys like those guys, they just make me smile:)

It felt good to go and do something like walking and eating out with a friend.  Most of what I do right now revolves around Selah, which is necessary and which I want to do, but I know I need time to see that the world does gone on.  It's so easy to get focused on your problems and sorrows. 

After my scare the other night, I've resolved to be healthier.  (we actually have been researching some things)    We've always eaten healthy (except for my Pepsi addiction and love of fried chicken)  I'd been reading a book called "The Great Cholesterol Myth"  We've always eaten low fat due to my husband's family history of heart disease.  BUT after reading this book it makes us wonder....my family was a country family, they cooked everything with LARD!  Lots of things were fried, but most home grown.  We used REAL butter....no one in my family died of heart disease.  In fact most died of old age OR lung cancer ( as most of the men smoked BUT the men were all in their 70's when they got the cancer)  Most everyone lived to their 80's or even 90's....    According to this book they ate more natural foods and nothing or very little processed foods so that is the best for the body and the heart overall.   Jon did take a statin drug but he had heard about this book some months ago, and the risks of statins and decided to come off them.  I was not happy with him but agreed to it if he'd take fish oil.  Well with the past few months, everything has been out of wack but now we are going to really focus on healthier eating (but no I can't bring myself to use Lard!  Just Olive Oil)   I'm going to set up appointments for us to get all our bloodwork checked and just to watch things on him.   You might find this book interesting.  I'm actually going to buy it so I can really mark it up.  I even bought real organic butter the other day....NEVER had before in my life!  We are still researching but one thing the book is big about is lowering the sugar in your diet.  I don't really like sweets but I do love Pepsi but I have gone off it completely.....I'm drinking tea and coffee now which both have good things in them, I do sweeten them but less than before.  Tea has so many good things in it.  My family drank tea by the gallons....maybe that is why they all lived so long and were pretty healthy.  I add lemon to my tea, really squeeze it in to give an additional boost of Vitamin C and it is supposed to clean the liver out too.   I'm not having any soda in the house so my kids are not happy but they will live....  We are taking Vitamin C, Fish oil ( Dr Sear's Brand http://www.zonehealth.com/theclantonfamily  the same pure type that Selah takes but in capsule form for us)  CoQ12, and a baby asprine a day. 

Thank you all for your very sweet and supportive posts and emails about my blog on the anxiety attack.  I almost had another one last night but I took a pill and walked outside for a little bit and then sat on my swing and made myself breath deep for a few minutes.  I often quote scriptures to myself , so I can focus on that rather than the problems at hand.  Scripture comforts me and I'm thankful for all the memorization I did growing up.  I wasn't so happy about it at the time but now I know it gets in your heart and stays there! 

There is nothing else in this world that is firm and unchanging but God.  Kingdoms rise and fall, people come and go, circumstances changes, finances change but God is forever faithful and is the solid rock that I stand on.  "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand"   I'm thankful for that real solid Rock to stand on......

Thank you for all your prayers for Selah and for us!  I do not take them for granted! 

Aniety attack...

Last night after feeling so sad all day, I thought I had sorted through my feelings and had had a good cry.  So I was sitting half skimming a book ( on WWII and the Holocaust- I know not light reading) and half watching the movie "the Bible" and out of no where I am slammed with chest pain and my heart beating so fast and hard.  I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on so I got up and went to my room and took a few aspirin.  I sat there for about 30 minutes trying to be calm but shaking.  ( I tend to shake when I am upset)  Jon came looking for me and I decided to go to the hospital.  After being checked out, the doctor said I'd had a panic attack.  It was NO fun let me tell you.  I've had twinges before in my chest and had had some testing just to find out it was a muscle condition in my ribcage and this seemed to tie in with that also.  So I was given a prescription for an anti anxiety med that is really light and non addictive.  I am not one to take meds and they usually adversely affect me but it seems to have helped some.  I still find it hard to catch a deep breath but I'm trying to relax.  today I took the kids to run errands, it's just good to be out together.

I am somewhat embarrassed by this reaction.  I was offered some meds when this all first happened and I declined them.  But after all these months, it felt good to have the edge taken off.  I am not sure that I will stay on this prescription, right now it is only to be used as needed.  Since I call this blog "My Real Life" I thought I'd be real and share this with you all.  Last night I had the nicest doctor and nurse at Zephyrhills Hospital.  They were kind and understanding.  He was also concerned with my neck and said he could feel tightness half way down my back.   I was treated fast but with enough tests that it relieved my mind, for the most part.  You do know I"m a closet hypochondriac.  I do NOT read anything medical on the web.  I know moms who can rattled off all kinds of medical stuff, no, not me!  I stay as far away as I can or it just totally freaks me out!  I really fight it, mostly by ignoring it LOL...

So after all of that, Selah had a great night with Jon LOL  He got a good night's sleep.  She has had a good day and did great during PT.  Our nurse had her up most of the morning and early afternoon and she is sleeping so nicely and peacefully already.  Two weeks from today the casts will be off:)

Here are some pictures of Sarah walking by pushing a chair in front of her.  She seems to do better with leaning forward and walking although you can see she still puts her feet down oddly.  The PT is puzzled by her.  Sarah has the ability muscle wise to walk it would seem.  She is quite fearLESS so it's not that either.  She wants to and likes movement, she is never still.  But yet she is not walking yet.  I'm glad she is finally in therapy and hopefully she will start walking soon.  I love one thing the PT said "If Sarah had been yours from the beginning she would be walking"  how nice of a compliment  that was to me.  I am very commited to see her achieve that:) 

 

 

So please pray for Selah and for me too.  I am so thankful for all the messages and emails I get from so many saying they are praying!  It really means so much to my heart:)

Looking Back....

http://myreallifebyyvonne.blogspot.com/2012/03/introducing-selah-johannah.html

A year ago today I introduced Selah to my blog.....it just rocked me to think it's been a year today since the first post about her....

Some Sunday family pictures

I did take some pictures of the kids today that I wanted to share.  I love these pictures. 


This is before church.  I tried on this dress I bought sometime last year at a thrift store for $1...it fit perfectly and she is just so beautiful in it.  I need to crop out my bed and just have her  in these....

 

 

she is regal:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this perfect or what except for my crazy quilt background.  Sarah is so sweet. 

 

 

 

 

the boys:)

Sarah is fascinated with Shad right now.  She always wants to sit by him and gets right up in his face (we think to see him better)  it is so cute to watch them. 

 

 

Selah getting ready to go night night

 Purple casts

She's a little more alert

 

 

I'm thankful for and love all of my children.  I feel extremely blessed to be their mom. 

My thoughts ....

Selah is doing fine, had a good night.  She doesn't like being out of bed much with the casts on.  She only tolerates about an hour before she gets her sad face and tears.  But we are turning her and doing lots of range of motion even while she is in bed.  Two weeks and one day till these blasted casts come off!  I got the most sleep last night that I've gotten since the surgery. 

Today as we fast approach the one year anniversary of our trip to go get the girls, I am so sad inside.  I look at Sarah and see how far she has come and then I look at Selah and see what she has lost.  This afternoon I went out on my swing and looked up at the sky and just begged God to send Selah back to us....I don't want her any different than who she was before the accident.  I just want her back....  I look at the sky, the trees, the grass and I know God made them all...I believe He is the creator of Life and this world....

I had a dream right after the accident that Selah "came back" cognitively but she couldn't walk....it was so real and we were at home in the dream.  I've never claimed that was a dream from God, I sure hope it was but I don't know.  Every dream I've had about her since the accident involved her being healed.  Again I don't know if that is God or if it is just my own thoughts and hopes....

I read other families blogs or facebook pages if they are sent to me.  Reading over some of them would make me think I'm not very spiritual, I'm not claiming anything or speaking anything over Selah.  I'm also not exaggerating anything either.  I think I go the opposite extreme and down play stuff because I don't want to act like everything is just fine and she is healed....It's not and she's not....  That is the truth.  Some of the pages make me sad for the child and family as they are obviously projecting onto the child's situation what they want to see.  Let me tell you I'm not projecting, I'm telling you how it is and how I feel. 

But...I still know there is a God who loves us.  You may not understand that.  You may think that God should be required to step in and "do something"  But that is not God, that is not his word.  He could magically make everything perfect this very second but that is not what He has promised.  He has promised to walk with us "through the valley of the shadow of death"  He has kept that promise to me.  He is still keeping that promise, even as my tears fall like rain as I type this. 

I've experienced God's strength and grace in a way I have never known before in my life.  I am so thankful for that Grace and Strength.  I'm not shouting and dancing with joy right now.  I'm crying and feeling despair but I still will trust Him.  When I look ahead in the future, it does not seem very bright to me.  It's scary, not just because of the unknown things ahead but because of the known things that lie ahead. 

But I cling tight to Him....to the One who knew what was ahead for us and sent that lady to speak a word to me in the Mall....  I don't know why all this happened, why God didn't prevent it from happening...but I don't blame God either....  I don't understand things but I know God sent that lady to speak to me and to tell me "Something Big was ahead for our family, many would see and Do NOT be afraid"  She claimed that word came from God and I could tell she was a christian from how she spoke.  She wasn't some kind of new age psychic...

As we have walked through this God has provided everything we have needed.  EVERYTHING!  Jon was without a paycheck for months and we really didn't even notice it.  We didn't think about our needs as we were so focused on Selah and yet God met them.  I'm thankful for that testimony.  I know God will provide us a van that will fit her wheelchair and even a house that is fitted for her....but honestly I pray that we do not need that!   We had so many offers in the beginning of help that we turned down because we could not focus on anything but Selah.  I asked folks to give us time to see what we actually needed and what we were going to do.  I had hoped that Selah would receive a miracle and we'd just go back to our little house....  I'm still praying that we will not need anything else for her because she will be healed.  I'm quite the fund raiser/grant finder but every time I think to do something, I just can't do it.  So I figure God knows what we need, when we need it and He'll take care of it when we need it IF we need it.

But I'm sad, not alot of fun to be around right now.  I force myself to focus on other things with my family as I know my kids need me too.  My heart is so heavy some days still it feels like it will break.  How can a little girl that I only knew for a few months break my heart like this?  It's because she is my daughter and I can not stand to see her like this.  I miss the funny little girl she was so much that it takes my breath away literally......

Right now we have her on several meds to dull the pain, take away her anxiety...which takes her even further away from us.  It is so hard......I will be glad when she gets through the next two weeks but it's not like she is going to just become normal again, even after she is off the meds...outside of a miracle. 

Please pray for Selah, pray that God will give us a miracle.  I just want my little girl back, I feel like we've missed so much with her.  I know I'm not the first mom to be in this situation and I surely am not the most spiritual or the best, I'm not asking for God to heal her based on my merits...but on His grace and mercy. 

Exhausted

I had planned on staying up till midnight last night and giving Selah all her meds.  Then Jon was going to do the 2 am and 6 am meds...THEN....her feeding pump did something and pumped out her feeds on the bed and her so we were up cleaning ...I think I went to bed at 4 or so...not even sure but I did sleep till Noon:)

I am exhausted tonight....I'm usually a person who goes to bed around 10 or 11 pm and gets up at 6 or 7 am and feels great.  these past few weeks have kicked my butt!  I keep telling myself "only two more weeks till the casts are off" she will be back to her regular schedule then and hopefully back to peaceful nights!   We had stopped having a night nurse for several reasons and had had no issues until now!  I've asked for one a couple of nights a week so we can plan some things with our family, so we'll see.  I'm picky about nurses and now know what to look for and what to avoid! 

Selah had a peaceful day with her Franciscan Monk, who is quite happy with the new pope:)

So today I went through my husband's closet.  As a chaplain and department head, he has a dress requirement.  Sometimes it is not enforced and sometimes it is...we are in the sometimes it is right now....So I gave his closet a good cleaning out (he tends to hoard old things lol)  I ironed and put together about 2 weeks of clothes so I don't have to bother later.  He will actually be wearing a tie....   Ironing is strangely soothing to me...  so I watched the news and ironed for a couple of hours...  Also the kids will have ironed clothes for church tomorrow:)  Remember I have a psychology minor....I totally get myself LOLOL  Ironing is safe and doesn't take any thought effort, it's soothing:)

Please pray for our Thursday nurse, they released her from the hospital but her 14 yr old daughter was having surgery at another hospital today due to the injuries she received in the head on collision.   Please pray for both of them!   Please continue to pray for Selah!  Please pray that we get a good night sleep tonight.  I am so tired! 

Cast change ~ good news

We got up really early this morning after being up off and on all night to ensure Selah had all her meds.  Selah had her casts changed.  Before the procedure I talked to our Doctor about how uncomfortable she has been and was a bit discouraged.  He thought she might be having such muscle cramps that her legs/feet will go right back to the state they were in before the surgery.  However after he came out he was pleased with her response.  He said that things were really good and he didn't see any muscle spasms.  Her legs/ankles/feet had really good range of motion.  She was healed up and her skin was great under the casts!   Of course she was under anesthesia so she was not fighting him any but things could have been alot worse.  She was fitted for AFOs, soft braces to wear during the day and a pair to wear at night.  She won't be required to wear them 24 hours a day but probably at least 20 hours a day to keep things nice and in place.  I saw the casts for the AFOs and it looked like casts of a "normal" foot/leg:)   She will get her casts off for good on April 1st!!!  I can NOT wait!  I'm sure she will be glad too!  The new casts are PURPLE!  They have to match her Easter dress:)

The doctor suggested going up on the Valium for the next two weeks to help keep her calm.  She has been calm today despite the early morning trip to Tampa and all she has gone through. 

I have to say I really like St Joe's, it's a good hospital and we have been treated very well there.  I'm glad we made the choice to keep all her specialists there at St Joe's rather than All Children's.   Every time we are there, some staff just seems to go out of their way to express kindness to us.  I really appreciate that.  Today several staff members were just so helpful and kind.  The nurse who checked us out, found a box that I could put under Selah's feet in the car to keep her more comfy:) 

We have decided that we are going to start looking for a handicapped van, one of the bigger kinds with a lift.  It is so hard to get her into a car seat and so upsetting for her.  Please pray that I'll be able to find some organization that helps with things like that!  I'm also going to research more in to HBOT, (thanks for all the info that was in some remarks back a few posts!  I'm using all that info!  Thanks!)  Those are the two things I'm going to look into for her. 

Thanks for your prayers today, things couldn't have gone any more smoother!  Please pray that she will be comfy tonight so I can get some sleep.  I am exhausted!!!!  This afternoon I went outside to read wile sitting on our outdoor swing...next thing I knew I was sleeping on it!  We had beautiful weather today and it was nice to sleep outside!

  Also please pray for one of our day nurses, I was told she had a car accident today.  She is only here once a week but we like her so much.