Reality

Ahh the reality of adoption...all I can do is compare it to childbirth...when you are to the end or even in labor...and there is no backing out...I experienced it in both of my pregnancies..."What the he__ have we done?" I experienced it when we adopted Shad and am in the middle of it RIGHT NOW!!!!

I feel guilty even admitting to it but it's the reality (for me) I've never been one of those people who wanted a large family. In all actuality, that's what took us so long to have our first child. I can't get pregnant easily and we'd start fertility and then stop it cause we both were a bit unsure about the whole child thingy! If you notice it took us 6 yrs before we had Steve and then almost 9 years before Sam! I was always a bit afraid of children. Now I LOVE my boys and wouldn't trade them for the world BUT with each pregnancy, I experienced a feeling of being trapped! Like oh my gosh WHAT were we thinking!!!!!

Felt the same way when I was leaving to go get Shad. I remember my bro in law driving me to the airport and I was crying and asking him why we were doing this? I know he loves me but he was probably rolling his eyes a bit! (I went by myself so that was stressful)

Well right now, I'm not crying and I am excited but I have a bit of that feeling that I am on the roller coaster, locked in and there is no getting off....AND this time there is not just one child coming but TWO!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! So the reality of the commitment we are making is sinking in.

The fear of the unknown, this long massive trip, halfway across the world, with my family...the month long stay in a country that will not have the same things that we are used to...the INTENSIVE experience of visiting the children 2x a day in a mental institution, seeing and experiencing things I have never experienced...yes I will be honest, I'm afraid. I'm afraid for my heart. I'm afraid I will be crushed by the raw reality. Me, I can't go to an animal shelter, it breaks my heart. HOW am I going to leave other children behind? We currently support a child there who is very medically fragile, I will see her, I've bought things for her but I will leave her...HOW will my heart handle this? I don't know....I do not want to have to do this but this is where our daughters are at.

The first time I saw Sarah's picture I was so troubled I could not sleep..soon we committed to adopting this little one who looks so much like our sweet Sam. Then knowing Seth was in the same institution with a similar diagnosis, we committed to him. As you know another family adopted him. Then we were sent a picture of another little girl who is at the same place who needs a family too and we committed to her.


Committing to Selah has been harder for me. First I didn't want to replace Seth, I am not one to adopt just to adopt. It is a very serious commitment especially for children who will need life long care. She is beautiful but does not have vision issues, we are not exactly sure of her diagnosis only that she was sent to a mental institution rather than a regular orphanage. So that uncertainty was harder for me than for Jon. He just said she looks peaceful, she needs us, let's go for two girls:) I smile when I write this because he has had so much faith in this area, where I've been more concerned. I'm used to a child with vision issues and cognitive delays, I KNOW how to deal with a child like that, unknowns are scary to me.

So since Monday, I've had one heck of an upset stomach. This is one way to lose weight LOL! Got our tickets and all that is good, except for how much I HATE to fly! Pretty much am packed which takes a load off of me. now I just have to get our paperwork in order (got a lot of things that I have to print out and take) need to clean my house and we are ready to go! We even did a will and it was actually fun:) I'm weird, what can I say!!!

So we are about to embark on the biggest adventure (up to this point) in our lives and we have had some adventures for sure!!! I'm nervous, got alot of emotions going on...but as always I'm honest, I'm excited but it's kinda like that roller coaster, you get on cause you want to then you are strapped in for the ride ...well I'm strapped in:) Ready to go, sorta LOLOL scared, hopeful, so many different emotions..

If you have not adopted let me tell you it is the most surreal feeling in the world, when you see that child for the first time. The kid you went around the world for, prayed for, raised the finances for...it's unreal! I literally remember not being able to get my breath and my heart pounding out of my chest...as they handed me my funny little Shad! What a moment...it's like child birth but it is different too...(heck of alot LESS painful!!!)


So I ask selfishly that you pray that my heart/emotions can handle the reality that these children face daily. I feel so selfish asking for that because they live in that situation, and I do not want to see it. But at the same time, I've always wanted my heart tender towards the things that touch God's heart. But I'm afraid of the pain...Pray for our travel,, you do know how much I hate to fly. The trip will basically take, with layovers about 30 hours...WITH Sam!!! God help us all..... Pray that we stay healthy through out the trip, there is little in the way of medical care, pray especially for Sam...when I even start thinking of various things that could happen, I feel faint! We are going to be especially careful with his eyes so he doesn't get any type of infection. Pray that the girls will accept us. they have never known a family and not every child is like Shad was. He acted like he was ready to go and what took me so long to get there? He was unique, not every child acts like that or accepts the new family so readily. Pray that they stay healthy as we travel home with them. pray that no one steals our things during the trip. Some families experienced thefts from airport workers. Pray that the USA doesn't get into a war with Iran while we are there only a few hours flight from Iran!!! (we are specifically flying a non American airline for safety reasons) I feel very needy right now!!!

Thank you all for standing with us these past few months, we are in awe of God's provision and take that as a further sign that we are on the right path. Thank you for your prayers, we REALLY appreciate them!!!!!