Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Jesus We're Depending on You

Today I'm just having a hard time wrapping my mind around what is ahead for me.  Believe me I realize more folks have much more harder things they are dealing with.  But I'm just crying out from my heart that I just do not want to go through anything else!  I feel like the past three years have been the absolute hardest of my life.  God's still been good, He's still been faithful but I'm only human and I feel like I'm just hanging on by my toe nails at this point.  I feel so alone and I feel like the future is so unknown. 

I have appointments set with two different surgeons set- one for next week and one for the following Monday.  At the least, I'm looking at a lumpectomy- which I want to be safe- but I realize it will affect me and make it hard for me to care for the kids for awhile.  If I have to have anything else done, it will obviously make more of a difference in how I will be able to care for the kids.  After I got the final report from the radiologist, surgical removal was recommended, which is what I want but seeing it in black and white is a little unnerving.  At least I will not have a fight with our insurance. 

Sam and Sarah are dependent on us for total care.  Sarah doesn't walk, except a little with us holding her hands and helping her, a lot!  Sam walks but still needs a lot of help, he can't get into our van without help for example.  Thankfully our nurses care for Selah, who also needs total care.  Everything we do, we have to think about how it will affect the three little ones. 

Yesterday I got all my paperwork done for the year for the church.  I also got all my personal paperwork done for various things.  I even got all of my husband's ironing done LOL- that's how to tell if I'm totally stressed- I'm a weirdo- I IRON!!!  I'm trying to get things done ahead of time in case I can't do things for awhile.

So the only thing that is helping me at this point is focusing on eternity (and ironing)  I absolutely love Van Buren Assembly of God- You tube channel VBFATV.  I just let song after song play.  It's funny, when Selah was in the hospital I was ministered to by their videos so many nights, sitting in her hospital room.  Once we got home, we had horrible internet so I didn't listen to them often.  But now with FIOS (which I'm so thankful for) I can listen to them all the time.  They focus on songs about eternity and heaven.  Now I'm not saying I'm dying- but focusing on eternity helps me to put into context my life and it's problems. 

It's funny but when you can focus on eternity, it doesn't matter so much about what you are going through.  You begin to realize that life is so short and eternity is so long..... "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;" 

Whatever is our light's just for a moment- in the light of eternity. 

So while I'm worrying about the physical things that are ahead, the financial scare me too!  We have good insurance but we've been paying out a lot lately.  It used to be with our insurance, that once the family deductible was hit, the insurance paid at 100%.  Now we have an individual deductible...THEN the insurance still only pays 80%....  the little kids have a secondary state insurance and that usually pays the family insurance co-pays so that's why I hadn't noticed the change in policy.  Lovely.....and at the holidays. 

But God is always faithful.  He'd always taken care of us and helped us to meet bills, make payments or sometimes, it's just been wiped out.  So I have to stop trying to think my way through this.  Whenever I've have tried to figure out things financially, I've freaked out LOL.  But when I learn to just depend on God, it all works out.  BUT even after all the financial miracles we've seen, all the miracles of provision, I'm still a worry wart!  I totally get all the Old Testament stories about the children of Israel, they'd see God do a miracle and then they'd turn around and doubt Him at the next sign of trouble!  Yep- I totally understand them!  It's human nature.  But God is above all of that!

I love this song
Jesus we're depending on you!

When our faith tried by fire
we still know that It's true
The devil's a liar
there's not much he can do
And tho he tries hard to stop us
 we know You'll see us through
Jesus we're depending on you

Jesus, we're depending on you
Jesus, we're depending on you
Jesus, we're depending on you
Depending on you to see us through (repeat)

We came to the water
Didn't know what to do
There was no one to help us
Couldn't see our way through
Then the Lord moved the water
And we walked right on through
Oh Jesus we're depending on you

Love this song and the message of this song!  Listen to it. 

Whatever we are all going through, it's just a light affliction in the light of eternity.... this is what I have to remember also.  Thanks for all your emails and prayers!


  1. Thank you for sharing, I'm sure this will help others in similar situations. Wishing you all the best for your medical appointments, and hoping for a swift recovery.

  2. Wishing you all the best. You can do this! You are obviously a strong woman. You have had to be. Hold those babies close. That always helps. :)

  3. Oh dear Yvonne,
    this will sound so selfish but your words about trusting in God no matter what really touched my heart deeply tonight. I needed to hear this.Thank you so much.
    You and your family are in my thoughts & prayers

  4. Hope you are okay. Thinking about you.

  5. Many many prayers ascending to the heart of our Father. May Jehovah Rapha heal and minister to you in these days.

  6. Hi yvonne, a bit worried about you as you haven't blogged for a while now. Hope you are all okay and getting ready to celebrate Christmas. With love from Brussels.