Be Real

I've been thinking so really deep thoughts lately. It's somewhat redundant from my posts on Facebook but...

I despise silly Christian slogans...you know what I mean "God won't put more on you than you can bear.." Does anyone in the world but me know the context of that scripture???? It's talking about temptation and how God will make a way of escape, it has nothing to do with problems/burdens etc... I have sworn that the next person who says that to me I'm gonna slap silly or at least give them a theology/bible lesson! I didn't have $20,000 in student loans for nothing!!

Today I watched part of a funeral for a well known pastor who recently died. The funeral seemed so shallow, forgive me, I'm sure his family is hurting but it seemed like they masked it, almost like he wasn't dead. I don't know how to explain it...I've been to funerals that were triumphant and awe inspiring but this big funeral just seemed so dead (ok I couldn't help that) I think the folks couldn't explain WHY this Word of Faith guy had died and not been healed so the funeral was just weird! Be real people~ the guy is dead, you can't hide that!

Do you know what I mean when I say folks aren't real? Christians have such a hard time admitting that God did not come through in the way they wanted Him to do and so they say dumb things to cover their confusion/angry. I've seen it time and time again. People try and explain why bad things happen...there is a simple explanation in the Bible! We live in a fallen world, we will walk through the valley of the shadow of death but we don't have to be alone!!!

Often people say things to me that are so stupid that I really want to slap them silly! I get told all the time I'm a saint~ok anyone out there who really knows me ...would NOT describe me as a saint! Or the person will say "God knew who to give that little boy to" or "Special moms get special babies" Well heck...I don't want to be special!!! I don't want my son to be retarded and blind and partially deaf...Come on why would ANYONE think statements like that bring ANY comfort to my heart???? Do I want to trust a God who would CAUSE something like this to happen to a child? NO of course not!

I'm so glad that the Bible is totally clear on this subject. We live in a fallen world, that's the bottom line as I've stated before in my posts. Man chose to sin and brought disease and death into the world by giving control of their lives over to the devil. God did not create blindness or cancer or even death! I can trust God even when it hurts so much I feel like I can't breath. I know He is with us, holding our hearts and hands, whispering comfort in our ears. This journey we call Life is short, just a dress rehearsal for eternity. Then on that day, we won't be bound by this world, the former things will be done away with and He God Himself will wipe every tear from our eyes! Then we can share with other believers our story of how God brought us through our journey. I believe God's heart is moved by our sorrows.

For some reason my heart has been grieving the last few days over Sam. I don't really understand why now, we don't really have any major issues going on...I don't know...But my heart has hurt so much. I wish he didn't have so many issues, I wish he was a regular little 5 yr old boy going off to kindergarten, getting in trouble for talking in class. I can't even dream of how it would be. It's so far from the reality of his life that I can't even see it in my mind's eye. I wish we had a "normal" future to look forward to for him. That doesn't in any way dim my love for him but I just wish....While I'm typing this, I'm just crying so hard because it really hurts my heart. I don't allow myself to grieve too much, hardly ever because I think it is not productive or healthy. but sometimes reality overwhelms me and it seems more than I can bear in my heart. Sometimes I can't believe that I can go on but I do...what choice do I have? I can't fall out by the side of the road and give up on life just because it's not the way I planned it. If I did that, then I'm not trusting in the goodness of God.

So I guess what I'm saying is don't be a Job's comforter when you try to help folks going through things. Be real, life is hard but it's better sometime to say "I'm so sorry you're going through this" than to try and come up with a dumb reason! Be real admit when your heart is heavy don't just say silly "Christian" slogans. Read the Bible ` Psalms, job many of Paul's writings in the NT, contain writings that are real, that show heartache and confusion but also trust in God.

I don't have all the answers but I know I'm going to hold onto to God's hand through life and trust Him. Why be bitter, does that change anything? Does that help anything? NO Been there, done that, got the tshirt...! It was NOT a fun place to be in! I've found that trusting God through the hard times may not change the hard times but it changes ME!

Journey

Yesterday we took Sam to St Joe's to see Dr Declue, a doctor who specializes in metabolic disorders. He ran some more blood work on Sam and ordered an ultrasound of his liver. The liver may not be storing his sugars correctly and that is something that can be fixed with meds. He also gave me a prescription for a shot if Sam becomes unconscious or has a seizure. The only thing is the shot has to be mixed up...can you see me mixing a shot when Sam is seizing....God I hope I can do it!!! Anyhow he thinks cause Sam is so small (the size of a 2.6 yr old ~even tho he is gonna be 6 yr old in Feb) that's why he is so hypoglycemic. Usually kids grow out of it by now but he has so little fat to draw on that there is no reserve for him. One idea to prevent the episodes is to add CORNSTARCH to his bottles of pedisure. It seems to be helping kids to maintain their sugars better. I had just read that on the Internet so I wasn't surprised. The dietitian is calling me with the amount to start giving him. Maybe that will be all he needs!

So Sam is keeping us on our toes as usual but I love him so much, all this other stuff doesn't matter. WHATEVER it takes to keep him healthy I'll do!!! When it's your child, you learn you can step up to the plate. I can remember all the different things I do or have had to do in the past and the fear I had starting the things...but then you get used to it an just do it!

The biggest step was coming home with him from the NICU on a heart monitor and oxygen and the suction machine. WOW that wa a trip but we made it through...then after his first corneal operation and the doctor explaining to me how to do the eydrops into that little tiny BLOODY eye! Somehow we didn't get the explanation BEFORE the surgery that we'd be doing eyedrops after.....I looked at the doctor like "you're crazy! Surely you are gonna send a nurse home with me...."I truly thought I'd pass out but guess what? I didn't!!! Then the blood sticks! OMG I was shaking the first few times I had to do them. I'm so over that now!!!! It's nothing! So what's the big deal about giving him a shot....I don't know...I feel faint!!!!

Life is a journey~you can NOT control it! but you can control how YOU respond to life's challenges! I want to respond with faith and humor! I laugh at situations alot cause that's the only way to get through things sometimes. If I can find some humor in the situation it helps. You can live your life with all gloom and doom...but who wants to??? Life is gonna be hard, it's scriptural- that means there is plenty of scripture to back me up:) But you can CHOSE to trust God and know that He'll be with you. You can also CHOSE to look on the lighter side when ever possible.

Have you meant people that take themselves and their situations too seriously? I have and it's so stupid! I've been around some who are just going through the natural processes of life and you'd think they had such heavier burdens than anyone else in the world. Then I met families who are REALLY going through some firey trials and they just ooze peace, contentment and faith! I want to be like that!!! We all are gonna face hard times, loss of a loved one, health issues...but we've got to remember this world is not our ultimate home, we're only passing through. If we trust in Jesus, one day it is ALL gonna be alright.

I'm not saying not to be sympathetic of situations. The bible says "weep with those who weep" When you go through a life journey that is hard, it is easier to weep with those who weep. Even if your situations are not the same, the emotions are. I cry so much easier now for others than I ever have before in my life because I KNOW some of the heartache the others are going through. I'm glad my heart is softer to others. I'm glad my heart is moved with compassion for the trials that others go through. But again, this world is not our home. ONE DAY everything is gonna be ok! That's what I hold onto and I think I have the authority to speak into other's lives that same truth~because I go through some rough times that others will never have to face. I don't know why some people can go through trial after trial and other's just face the "normal" trials of life (parents growing older, dying...small health issues...) I don't know some folks have easier lives...it's just life. there's no reason to get angry or bitter....because one day EVERYTHING is gonna be alright!

I look at things so different than I did before I had Sam. I feel blessed even in the midst of a storm. I can't explain that at all. It's certainly NOT because I'm more spiritual or a better person...but trusting God in the midst of life's struggles and truly believing He is in control, is a wonderful place to be at!! I could be bitter but I'm not, I'm so thankful for what I have and the promise of heaven/eternity...

random pictures

My Chosen One~ SAM

Chosen One
If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you...
If God had told me "this soul will one day need extra care", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...
If God had told me "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you..
If He had told me "our time spent together here on Earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me 'all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...
Thank you God for allowing me to be Sam's mommy!

I didn't write this beautiful poem but I got it from the page of a mom who's little boy is facing his last days as he has fought cancer for over a year. I wept when I read it. I could add a few more lines but I think it says what is in my heart about my boy Sam!

Thinking of my twins~Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

Today 13 years ago, our twins died. It was an awful day and I almost died in the process. I wrote about it in more details in an earlier post but I just want to take the time to honor my babies. I don't have all the answers about the after life but I know that there is one. I don't know if the twins are still babies or if they've grown...but I know when I see them again I'll know them because the scripture says "we shall know as we are also known" I know that heaven is real and it is a comfort. When you begin to look at life with an eternal perspective, it really changes things!

I believe we live in a fallen world and that's why we have sickness, disease and death. I don't think God brings it upon people. The Bible is very clear "that the thief comes to steal and destroy but that Jesus came to give us life" so I know where bad things come from and where good things come from. Pretty simple huh?

It took me awhile to get past my anger and confusion, and when I say awhile I mean years....kinda of a yucky time to say the least! But through God's grace, I was able to walk through it. Then when I was faced with all the struggles that Sam has had, my mindset was so different. I had learned to trust God. See before I lost the twins, I thought I trusted God and I did to a point. But when I went through that heartache, my faith was shattered because I had the mindset that God should make everything right~right now! And when this huge heartache came, my faith couldn't stand. Through those years of walking through a deep valley, a valley that I put myself in, I actually did learn to trust God that He is good all the time, even if our hearts are breaking, He is still good. God doesn't take pleasure in sickness or death He sent Jesus into this world to redeem us from the curse of sin. But God doesn't go against the laws of nature that He put into place. If He did no one would ever die or be sick...which would be great but that's not how it is. It is how it would have been if man hadn't chosen sin in the garden of Eden and that's how it will be one day again but right now, we live in a fallen world.

My trust in God now is like the three Hebrew children, Shadrach, Meshcah and Abendgo... "we know our God is able to deliver us but EVEN IF He doesn't we're still gonna trust Him" And they went into the fiery furnace, but although they went into it, they also came out of it! So we may go through fiery furnaces, but if we trust God He will bring us out of them! We may not get the miracles we'd like immediately, but one day we will. That old song...Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" has some true theology in it."What have I to fear, what have I to dread, Leaning on the everlasting arms, I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, leaning on the everlasting arms. Leaning leaning safe and secure from all alarm" If we can get to the point that we trust God although we don't have all the answers, there is a "peace that passes all understanding" Our hearts can be breaking but we're trusting and we can know in the deepest part of our hearts that we are safe and secure.

I'm not perfect by any means, but there is a difference now when my world is rocked, I know that everything is gonna be alright. It may not be alright today, tomorrow or even 10 years from now but one day when I stand before the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords; everything is gonna be alright! He is going to wipe away every tear. I've got a lot of tears to be wiped away but it's gonna be alright. I don't write this as one who has not suffered or as a trite "Christian" statement but it's what is deep and settled in my heart.

My world was rocked this week when we found out that Sam is totally deaf in one ear and has sub-normal hearing in the other. My world has been rocked alot lately. When Sam started dealing with the life threatening low blood sugar/seizure issues in May and the seven hospitalizations since and now with us having to check his blood sugar daily...it was rocked. Then when we found out in August that his retina had detached-blown out-imploded and he had NO sight at all in his left eye. That little eye that I fought so hard for, for so long...my world was rocked. But rather than get bitter I CHOSE to trust God. I'm not trusting because I think if I behave a certain way, then God will move a certain way ...NO! I'm trusting because "who do I have in heaven or earth but you O God" There is a peace that I can't explain but I KNOW it's all gonna be alright!

Again, I'm so not perfect. I'm just on a journey like we all are on. Thankfully God works with us all to draw us closer to Him if we chose to do so. As I've walked this journey of mine over the past 13 years since our twins died, I've made so many mistakes and done things I wish I could undo but I'm so thankful that God continued working with me. At one point I was so angry I didn't want to have anything to do with God, Christianity or whatever. But still through all that hurt and anger, God still kept speaking to my heart. I'm so glad He did. It was a process not an overnight one!

A few weeks after Sam was born, I had an "epithamy" in the hallway of Lakeland Regional when I saw a family taking home a perfect baby while mine was in the NICU with so many problems...right then and there, I said in my heart "God I'm going to trust you. I'm not going to walk through that valley of anger and bitterness again" And honestly I've had to restate that a few times but it's easier every time that something happens to trust God. God has always been there to give me comfort when things were bad. When we learned in August that Sam had lost his left eye, I sat on the hospital bed with him just out of surgery and my heart broke. I was alone in the room with him. I had held it together when the doctors talked to us and in the recovery room with people all around but when we were alone and Jon and Steve had gone to get us lunch and it was just me, Sam and God, the tears came. His eye sight is so very fragile and we were warned that day to prepare ourselves, the same thing could happen to his good eye at any time. So of course, my heart was overwhelmed but in that instant, I felt God's presence and I knew everything was going to be ok. Did that mean he'd never have another eye problem? No it meant that one day, he's going to have perfect vision, it may not be on this earth but for all of eternity he will be able to see all that heaven has, he'll see me and he'll see Jesus. This life is but a vapor, a mist...eternity is forever. One day his understanding will be full and he'll be able to hear the angels singing and he'll be able to speak clearly...one day!

If we can view this life in the light of eternity it will make a difference in how we live our lives and how we react when our world is rocked. Trusting God is a process for us humans but He can walk with us through ourlife journey if we let Him. And He can give us the peace that no one else can!

20 years

Last Monday was our 20 years anniversary. Doesn't seem possible that 20 years, two decades have come and gone since that day we eloped and got married at the Bartow courthouse, after only knowing each other one month! What a ride it has been! I truly can say there hasn't been a dull moment! We've taken some big risks and huge leaps of faith and it's been fun!

We didn't know that day when we took each other "for better or worse" exactly what we were committing to, no one does on their wedding day. Those vows have really led us around the world on some crazy adventures. We didn't know we were committing to a little boy who would bring us such heartache but such unexplainable joy...or a little orphan boy in China..or our twins who are in heaven...or our wonderful firstborn Steve. We didn't know all those children lay ahead. Believe me that was not on our mind that day!

We didn't know all the moves we'd make across country or the ministerial positions we'd take. We had no idea what all was in store for us but it's been fun.

On the way, we have had our share of heartache, more than our share. At one point, the heartache was too much and I didn't know if we'd make it but God brought us through and made our marriage stronger than ever.

It's been good and I look forward to many more years with Jon~I hope we live to be old folks and make it to our 60th wedding anniversary, healthy and in our right minds. (That would be better than we are now!) I'd be 84 and Jon would be 85~ so that's my goal:)

We never feel like we've reached some stopping point in our lives. Always we wonder what is ahead for us. Another move, different church...? We like to stay open and flexible. In all this time, we've never really bought a house, we've never wanted to be tied down to any one place. Although now with Sam, I don't see us going to be missionaries in deep dark Africa, but we've still open to new possibilities. Sometimes we look at people that have lived their lives in one place, one job..and feel sorry for them. That would drive us both up the wall. It's not that we're unstable, Jon's been a chaplain for almost 13 years and I worked for the Department for over 7 before Sam was born but we live open to something new changing our lives suddenly~I guess if you get married in a month, you have to be wired to be like that!

Anyhow it's been fun! I've realized so many of my dreams and so has Jon. We've had these great kids, we worked and lived in NYC, Jon's been a chaplain (not a job I really wanted him to take but it fits him like a glove) , he's pastoring a great small but growing church, we've traveled...it's been great! I'm so thankful for God giving me Jon as a husband. He's a wonderful husband and a terrific dad. He puts his family first and that means alot.

Marrying "that poor preacher" was the best decision I have ever made. I'm blessed and have a wonderful life I only dreamed of as a girl. It's not perfect but I have someone who walks with me through those hard times, someone who is there with me in the hospital, and who helps me take care of our munchkins (especially Sam!) I'm blessed!

I meant to write this post on our actually anniversary but couldn't. But I love you Jon!!!!

Thoughts on a chilly morning

I haven't been posting much lately but I keep promising to do so...Life has been crazy for us. Sam continues to have issues with his blood sugar. 2 weeks ago, on Sunday I woke him up to get him ready for church and he was out of it. I yelled for Steve to get some OJ and thankfully Sam could still drink. We loaded him up and rushed him to Lakeland where he stayed for 3 days. His blood sugar had sunk for no reason. (by the way, Steve and I took him so the service could go on...the stress of being a pastor's wife) Finally they gave me an Accura Check machine so I can track his blood sugars. This past week he woke up throwing up and I called Jon to come hom and we took him to the doctor. His blood sugar was high enough we didn't have to go to the ER. This time we managed it at home and he has done ok, still a bit border line in his drinking cause he tends to get real deydrated real quick and he's not been drinking as much as we'd like. So with all of this plus his eyedrops, doctor appts., daily home bound teachers, the other boys/school, the church, Jon's dad in the nursing home, and Jon's work....life is a bit stressful!!!

But I love posting and will try to be more faithful!!