I'm proud to be a mom of a "retarded ' son!

I get a newsletter called "the MATCHMAKER" MUMS National Parent-to- Parent network Newsletter. I've been getting it since Sam was little and back then no one had ever heard of Peter's so I hoped to connect with another family. This newsletter is for any parent of a child with special needs. It has some liberal leanings and I'd actually called to have myself taken off of the list back during the election of '08 but nevertheless I still receive it. So last night I opened it and read the most horrible essay I have ever read in my life. It is written by a mom of a child who is retarded. It doesn't give any more info about he child...but it gives plenty of info about the mom!!!!!!!!!

It's called "The Dark Side" by Jennifer Hamilton. She begins by quoting her son Andy who says "I hate being retarded" and then she goes on to say "I hate being the mom of a retarded child" She goes on to say that many parents have allowed themselves to be pressured into saying and often even thinking things that they don't really feel. She goes on to say that she knows moms who are so conditioned to being brave that they have practically convinced themselves that their child's disability is a blessing. This author writes that a friend of hers recently stated she couldn't stand to be alone with her child (who I presume is handicapped too) for more than an hour and so it gave the author the great sense of relief that she could make a list of her negative reaction, and not dress them up with apologies or explanations but simply to put them down as a statement of where she stands! she then proceeded to list them...

DEATH She has frequent death wishes concerning her son. Fantasies about accidents. fatal but painless illnesses...

BOREDOM Her son bores her and on occasions, the boredom of his slowness approaches pure hatred!

ANGER She is angry at the doc who prescribed the wrong size diaphragm, herself and her husband for having conceived the child and FURIOUS at god for allowing this to happen (Oh now we get God in the picture only because she's mad at Him for not giving her a perfect son)

GUILT She is guilty over the frustrations and restrictions of his life

SHAME She says perhaps self-consciousness would be a better expression because it is not immediately apparent that he is retared, she wished he had some physical impairment that would promote instant sympathy & forestall misunderstanding by strangers. She says she deliberately talks down to him to make it obvious that he is different and thereby spare herself from public embarrassment.

She then goes on to say that "looking back over this list I sense that it's only a beginning. There are deeper & more complicated feelings that I have yet to recognize....My common sense tells me that others in my situation must have had similar dark thoughts...For my own part I feel that since Andy had the courage to admit the feelings that his disability aroused, I owe it to him to develop with myself the same kind of honesty." WHAT A SICKO!!!!

OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know as a christian I'm not supposed to hate anyone but WOW I have no nice feelings towards this selfish witch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God help her son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll start by saying I'm HONORED to be the mom of a retared boy! I don't believe all those silly ideas, that God and the angels were looking for the perfect parents and chose us to be Sam's parents....We live in a fallen world, and sometimes things happen while a child is being formed in his mom's belly. But God created Sam and brought us through a difficult pregnancy & birth and He gave Sam life. Sam is who he is and who God created him to be. I'm even passed the stage of wishing he was "normal" In the beginning, I wanted him healed so bad but I love & accept him as he is. I didn't care about whether he was healed for MY sake but for his sake, to make his life easier. But then I realized, Sam is who God created him to be. God knew that Sam had Peter's Plus Anomaly in his chromosome 17...God wasn't shocked by Sam's disability....Sometimes I don't like to even call it a disability because it is Sam, who he is, and I love him!!!!!!! And having the hope of heaven, I realize that any suffering we go through is not even to be compared to the glory we will have in heaven. For all of eternity, Sam will be completely healed, so what is a few years here on this earth????

So let me counter her writings with my own thoughts on each of these subjects she brought up

DEATH I worry that Sam will die on almost a daily basis, at least a few times a week. Although I know when he goes to heaven he'll be whole but I don't want him to leave me. I love holding him & taking care of him, feeling the warmth of his little body in my lap. I worry that he'll out live Jon & me and his care be overwhelming to his brothers. (although Steve & him have such an incredible bond!)

BOREDOMShe has to be kidding! I'm never bored with Sam! I have so much fun with him and enjoy him so much. He is the silver lining in the cloud of disability! He has enriched my life so much! I've gone so many places and met so many people that I would have never known if it wasn't for Sam!!!!

ANGER If you've read my blogs, I went through a time of being angry after we lost our twins and I NEVER want to be there again! God is sovereign and we are in His hands, come what may! I'm thankful that God gave us Sam. Thankful that all the fertility treatment worked, thankful that he survived prematurity! Thankful that he is my boy!!!!!!

GUILT I did in the beginning wonder if somehow Sam's disabilities were my fault. But then after all the doctor's assessments..DNA testing...etc...I realized it was just something that randomly happens...Before I knew I was pregnant we'd gone to Branson MO and on the way stopped to watch a crop dusting plane for Steve in Arkansas. For a while I wondered if I got some chemicals on me that could have caused Sam to have problems. One doctor was reassuring after explaining all the chromosomal stuff he added "If every woman who had a crop duster fly over her had a child like Sam, the whole Midwest would be full of kids with Peter's " that really helped and made sense!!!!

SHAME Or Self consciousness...Sure I feel self conscious when people look at Sam but not because HE embarrass me ! But rather those people PISS ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I hope i don't offend you by my strong language) I don't feel a need to "talk down to my son" Actually sometimes I will say to him "some idiot is watching us...." And I say it as I'm glaring at the offending party!!!!!!!!!!!

So those are my thought on this article! I feel very strongly because I do count it as a privilege to be the mother of all 3 of my boys. I am so blessed by them. Just because Sam is different doesn't diminish him or my feelings for him. What if he'd been born perfectly healthy but got cancer , or was injured and became disabled by any number of things? Would that diminish my love for him? NO!!!

Honestly reading that idiot's article makes me fear for her son'! If not for his actually physical safety, at least for his emotional well being! Surely she can not treat him with love & respect if she if fantasizing about his death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poor little boy! Although Sam can not disguish that he is disabled he doesn't really speak or have the understanding to know he is different IF he did understand he would KNOW that we love & accept him AS HE IS!!!!

The author has the mindset of this world. It dominates her thoughts and she has given into them. We live in a world that wants perfection, that doesn't value life, unborn, the elderly, handicapped people...it is dangerous. One day that lady may find herself disabled, a casualty of old age, maybe some crippling disease, or dementia ...I wonder if she'd like someone fantasising over her death then???? No one is promised a perfect life, lots can happen along the way. If you don't show compassion, then will compassion be shown to you???

I try to live my life compassionately towards others. That is one thing that Sam brings out of me. A compassion for the weak, sickly, handicapped...not to say I dint' have any before, but NOW my feet are in their shoes, so compassion wells out of me!

I remember thinking years ago before we had kids, that I would never want to have a retarded child. It was just almost more than I could think of to have to deal with. However with time, age and caring a child inside your body, it didn't matter to me if my kid had 3 heads! It was MY child and I'd love it with every ounce of strength I had!!! After I lost my twins, one who was at the least extremely physically handicapped I just cried and cried and told God that I wanted that child NO MATTER what was wrong with it. And I meant it. It was flesh of my flesh, no matter what was wrong with it. Before I had children, I didn't have that crazy maternal feeling.....had NO idea...but after having Steve.......it hit and has never let me go. It's almost supernatural, that maternal feeling that washes over a mom! I had it some after I was pregnant with Steve, but the moment I delivered him and the doctor handed him to me, honest to God it was like "an anointing' I don't know how to describe it but it happened so fast & strong! I wan't a real maternal person before him but in that second, it was like "pixie dust" was sprinkled over me. I can't really use the term "pixie dust" cause it was so strong! More like a barrel of it was oured on my head!!!! Me who'd never really successfully changed a diaper in 30 years of my life suddenly became MAMA! I would have killed over that little baby if I'd had to with no qualms!

I feel that way about my kids so strongly still and especially Sam because of all he has gone through! Believe me, ask some nurses, doctors, teachers, therapists...anyone who did anything that I felt was not in his best interest. they get it from me. I don't even care anymore about what they think of me, actually I never cared what they thought of me but I din try to tone myself down for my poor husband's sake! I guess I should say I'll pray for this lady but I'd really like to "lay hands on her" fast & furiously!!!!!!! God be with that poor little boy!!!!!!

July 4th thoughts

So tomorrow is July 4th and it falls on a Sunday. That makes it convenient for a cookout following the service...fun.

My husband was debating what to preach tomorrow. He is in the middle of a series on the cross but thought maybe he should do a sermon that was more connected to America. He never asks me my opinion on what to preach cause he always can preach- he really is "instant in season & out"! And he was really just kinda thinking out loud so you know I had to throw my 2 cents worth in.....I encouraged him to focus on Jesus-the cross...that's what is eternal! That's how he was feeling too but since we're having a 4th of July day, he felt some conflict. But you know being an American is NOT gonna save you on judgement day! The only thing gonna save you is the blood of Jesus. And I believe on that day, no one will be caring or thinking about what country they are from or where anyone else was from as we all bow before the King of Kings & the Lord of Lords!!!

Now before I write anymore, I want you to know I'm very political, completely right wing, LOVE the USA...BUT the USA is not an eternal country! This world one day will pass away. I'm thankful to be a citizen in the USA but my real citizenship is in heaven! I feel uncomfortable when people began "worshipping" the USA! God has blessed our nation but America is not the promised land! Some people equate America with God...God is so much above America, there is no comparison!

We do not have flags in our church. The ones we had were very dirty and we took them out and it's not high on our agenda to replace them. We do have one in the church lawn that pays respect to our country but to me the things in a sanctuary are symbolic (or practical- mics, ceiling fans, etc...) It's not that I don't love the USA but this world is not my home, I'm only passing through. I thank God for this country & for all the blessing He has given but it is not my final home. So inside the church, I personally feel it is inapporiate to have the American flag honored daily as if it is as important as the Christian flag. (not that I think the Christan flag has to be there either, I've always thought that was a bit weird...to be honest...) Out in our church yard we have the American flag flying. We used to have a christian flag there also but it got old and was taken down. One thing that made me very uncomfortable was legally if the American flag is flying then any other flag is to fly beneath it if on the same flag pole. That bothers me for the symbolism of the christian flag is far above the American flag! I don't want any other country flying above the American flag but the symbolism of the christian flag flying below it REALLY bothered me. I know many churches deal with this by flying the flags on separate flag poles but that was not what we had....

I worry about the "separation of church & state" but I don't worry about Christianity influencing this country, it's laws, morals, values...I worry about the state influencing the church's morals, values etc.... I think Christan's should be all up in politics and that we should influence the government justly but I do NOT want the government to influence us. Whether the present government in "a friend " to Christians or not. We should take stand on moral issues and stay up for godly principles, things that are clearly in God's word!


So before I'm beheaded...take a moment & think about what I've written. What is more important to you? Do you confuse the USA with God? Do you think because you live in a "Christan" nation it makes us more right than other countries? We are IF we are following God's principles in dealing with situations but when does that happen? America is not equal with God only a servant that God has used to reach this earth for HIM.

I'm not a USA basher! That makes me madder than fire when I hear some people I know doing that! I want to bash in their heads for them. The people I know that are so ready to bash the USA are usually LOSERS with a capital L and if you reading and you wonder if I mean you? Don't wonder I do!!!!! I love the USA but I do not equate it with God! There is a difference. I would give my life for my country BUT only if my country was right! Why? Because I serve a higher authority! The values of America are ever changing, God's values do not change with time. He is the same yesterday, today & forever. Singing "God Bless America" is not going to meet your need in your darkest hour but singing "Amazing Grace" will give you the strength to go on! Why because God's songs, words, and power is eternal while the United States is only temporary!

So when it comes my time to stand before God, all "the things of this world will have grown strangly dim in the light of HIS glory & grace. So be thankful God has blessed this country of ours', be appreciative for the men who have fought & died so we could keep our freedom but know true freedom comes from the ONE who gave His life so we could live for ever in eternity in God's kingdom!!

New look to my Blog

Hope you like the new look. It seems easier to read and is pretty.

Just finished a 2 1/2 mile walk on the hospital track which is very hilly. I realized when we were in NC that although I walk 3 miles or so a day, I was not in very good shape. I'd been walking around the lake or at the Hillsborough River. It was better than nothing but didn't really get my heart rate up or cause me to have to work very hard. I'd sweat but this is Florida....So now I hope this is the key for me to get in better shape.

I really want to have stammina and be able to tackle hills! I want to make sure I stay healthy for my kids espicailly Sam! Reading the guidleines for what my waist should be makes me realize I have a way to go! For woman if your waist in more than 32 inches, you have a HUGE risk of all kinds of diseases and heart issues. I'm not about wanting to fit into a certain size but I want to be healthy so I can live this one life God gave me!

Lonely

Just feeling lonely today. I was able to run some errands in Lakeland by myself w/out kids...but really wanted a girlfriend to hang out with. So I did everything by myself, even ate by myself...I NEVER do that. But felt like crying....I'm not usually like this but I just feel lonely, I have for years. I used to have so many friends to hang out with that I had to juggle people around...But some folks moved away, I quit work and lost touch with a lot of friends and I think lots of people are overwhelmed by the life I live now. I have so many responsibilities that my life is so structured with all I do for Sam -it's too much for others. I noticed some ladies out shopping together laughing and having a good time and I thought "God I really crave that!" One thing though, you can't make a friendshop happen anymore than a romantic relationship. You either click with someone or you don't. And there is nothing worse than having to hang out with someone who you just don't get or who doesn't get you!! And I'm a different kind of person. I'm not spiritual enough for most other pastor's wives or even churh ladies but I'm too spiritual for heathens...LOL that's a joke everyone!!! Untwist your .......!!!!!! But I am "different" in the way I look at life than alot of people. My husband kids me if I haven't been friends with someone for 20 plus years then I don't care anything about them! That's not quite true but boy I wish all my "old" friends didn't all move away from here except for a couple!

When I had Sam, I hate to say it, but I found out who my true friends were and sad to say, there weren't a ton of them. Oh sure I have tons of causal friends but true friends are few and far between. It's hard. I've always been such a "social butterfly" that loneliness is hard at times. I've adjusted and can deal with it but it still stinks. But I can't do the things I used to be able to do. I can't just go and run and be free. If nothing else I know I have 30 eyedrops to get into my baby's eyes before he goes to bed at night. So life is structured around what my son needs. But that's ok and it will always be ok! Whatever I have to do for him is worth any small "sacrifice" I think I make!

Sometimes I look at my friends who are my age and all their kids are at least in high school or at least teenagers and I still carry a diaper bag! It's different and will always be different since Sam probably won't progress much mentally or physically past the point he is now....And this may sound stupid to other people but I feel like Sam is my own sweet angel to take care of and one day when I'm in heaven I'll have all the time to rest, relax and be with friends and God but my time now is to take care of my son. That is truly how I look at my life but I do get lonely for friends...

What a whiner I am...maybe I'm PMSing:) Soemone please send me some meds:)

More vacation pics

Some random shots...we took over 300 pictures. I've already got the photo album done. that makes our 20 something album since we had kids or maybe 30 something...I love having pictures & videos of the kids. They grow up so fast!

As you can tell we had so much fun! Hope we can do it again! AS far as I know the kids didn't break anything in our friend's cabin...I quickly went through and put all the breakables away as soon as we got there! Hope I found them all and put them back out too! Haha don't want them to think we took something home with us! But I know breakables and 3 boys do NOT mix especially when one can't see very good and thinks everything is a ball!

Summer....

I make a goal to write more on my blog then LIFE gets busy...

We had a wonderful vacation in North Carolina. A man my husband works with offered us his cabin in Murphy NC- the very most western corner of NC. We had a blast! We left out the day after school was out. the first full day there we visited 4 falls about an hour away. How beautiful that was! On Saturday we went to Cherokee NC and the edge of the Great Smokey Mountain Park. Jon & I had been there years before without kids so it was neat to go back. We even stopped and fed the bears in Cherokee. Jon got mauled by a little bear, it was sorta funny. I did ask if the bears had had their rabies shots and they had:) On Sunday we visited the Assembly of God church in Murphy. The folks were so sweet & welcoming. I know people say things like that about churches but this one REALLY was! The pastor preached a good solid sermon and we all went out to eat afterwards and someone even picked up our lunch:) They sang a melody of songs that reminded me of when we used to go street witnessing back at SEC. Kinda warrior type 80's songs. I hadn't heard them in years but remembered every word once we started singing. Steve (who makes fun of MY music) said during the service, "those sound like Petra songs" The pastor's wife sat with Sam in the nursery & he stayed with her the whole time! Glory1 That was a first:) That afternoon we drove to Hawisa Dam and also to Field of the Woods where there is the biggest 10 commandments. We walked up all the steps to the top. Dear Lord I thougth I was gonna die!!!! By mistake on the way there we drove into Tennessee and drove through Ducktown & Turtletown...what funny names!!!

On Monday we had to have our brakes fixed. Evidently we were riding them too much! They may have had some issues before but anyhow a guy from the church fixed them and basically just charged us for the parts! I'm telling ya NC folks are great! Then we drove to CHIMNEY ROCK my FAVORITE mountain!! I actually went there as a kid with my aunts (40 yrs ago this JUne...funny...) and Jon and I had been there a few times years ago so it was great to take my kids there. We walked all the trails including EXCLAMATION POINT! I do NOT remember it being so hard 20 years ago hahah! But it was beautiful and we had a blast. Jon carried Sam in a backpack we rented. I do NOT know how he made it up the mountain with him. I could barely get myself up!!!

On Tuesday we rode the Great Smokey MT Railroad. The kids loved it. I got a bit of motion sickness. It was beautiful and a new experience for the kids, they had never been on a train. We splurged and bought tickets in the a/c car. So glad we did! It was a hot day. The boys were all over the train and Sam loved the motion of the train. It was a fun day capped off by a TCBY (y'all remember them -This Can't be Yogurt) On Wednesday Jon & Steve went whitewater rafting! They had so much fun a real dad& son thing to do. I stayed at the cabin with the little boys. On Thursday we stayed in the Murphy area and hit all their thrift shops. I bought a nice dressy denim jacket for $2 and an afghan for $3:) We drove to the Folk School in the area and looked at their gardens and went through the village of Brasstown.

We drove home on Friday..what a wonderful fun time we had. The vacation was dubbed "the biggest loser vacation" cause we walked so much up & down mountains and to falls....I hope we lost some weight. I thought I ws in good shape since I walk a few miles almost everyday day...Well here's a bulletin for you...walking in Florida and waling in mountains are TWO ENTIRE DIFFERENT THINGS!!!!!! There was more heavy panting going on and my heart was pounding out of my chest...I didn't even care what other people thought either. When we'd met folks on the mountain, they were all dying too! We'd just weakly nod at each other & keep going!

So thankful for that time with my family. Often you hear the phases "God will give you the desire of our heart." Well it truly was the desire of my heart to take the kids to the mountains this summer. I thought about it last year and thought this would be the perfect year to do it. And God worked it out! the guy who doesn't know us real well ( maybe if he had he might not have offered..LOL) offered Jon out of the blue the use of his cabin! We could have never afforded to do it otherwise! It was a wonderful time of making memories together and having fun!!!!! I'm adding some pictures from our trip- hope you enjoy them!

Perseverance...finishing strong!

Tonight I was looking at maps, reading a book about North Carolina, planning our upcoming vacation when Jon turned on the tv. Now as a disclaimer, I hate christian tv for the most part. There are a few people on that I know personally, like Arthlean Ripply (she has a local show), a friend of our's does a night show I'm told although I've never stayed up late enough to watch him, and I actually rather like Jim Bakker...so sue me....

But anyhow Jon turned it on TBN that I will normally only watch with him IF he is rubbing my back and I have a good book to read:) but there was a young man on from Steve Hill school(remember the Pensacola Revival) who was preaching! And it was truth....I told my husband we needed to play that Sunday morning1 The guy was basically saying QUIT saying you are a christian and you still living like the world..living with your baby's mama, smoking a little weed...etc....It was RIGHT ON! Then Steve Hill got up to share. Steve has been dealing with cancer for a few years now. He shared that with the audience and he shared realistically about what was going on. BUT his purpose is sharing was to talk about perseverance! He said he wanted to be remembered as a man who was faithful to God through the good times AND through the bad times! He shared how God uses him when he is at MD Anderson weekly, how he ministers to other patients and their families. He didn't give no big faith talk as in "I'm believing God for my healing" NO he radiated TRUST in God. He know he is in God's hand, what ever happens!!

Oh how the church needs to hear that message!!!!!!!!

Recently I knew a man, who had cancer. He desperately wanted to be healed. I do not blame him in anyway what so ever. He was only in his 40's, had a family, a ministry...plus he was going through terrible pain with the cancer. I read his blogs. While my heart went out to him in what he was going through...I felt troubled by his writings. there was alot of anger, even directed at God, there seemed to be alot of begging and going here and there for someone to pray for him for him to be healed. I even wondered how or if he was preparing his family, teens to deal with his possible death....There seemed to be little trust. I don't blame that man for all he was feeling and I'm sure God didn't either. I feel the blame lies with preachers, pastors, tv evangelists who focus so much on this earth and living here that we forget that we all are gonna die!

I look back at my own life. When I lost the twins, I felt like God had broke a promise to me! Now where on earth did I get that idea???? If you would have asked me straight out, I would have been shocked by that questions. I had great theology. I had a degree from Southeastern college in Bible. I wan't some flake, some "name it claim it" But in my heart, I felt like God owed me. Here I'd serve God all my life since I was a child. We were serving God on the mission field, in the inner city of NYC, and I should have been "covered by the Blood" & "under God's protection". Why not? I was "in the middle of God's will- the safest place to be" and yet, my children died, I almost died ...and I began to believe God had tricked me! He'd broke His promises...I became increasing bitter at God, the whole world....I had NO trust in God. I began to walk away from God, baby steps at first, then I began running away from God as hard as I cold all the while shaking my fist at God.....

So where did this idea come from that God owed me? From many ministers over the years who probably didn't examine their sermons very well. They wanted to excite people. They began to make all kinds of promises that God didn't make! You know what I mean..."come to Jesus, your life will never be the same..." In subtle ways, the message cam across, if you're living for God nothing bad is really ever going to happen to you...No they didn't come out and say that -at least most of them didn't - but it was there. It was there even in some of the newer Christian songs...It was there in the Christian circles "hey how are you? "I'm blessed and highly favored of the Lord" Well heck if you're blessed & highly favored of the Lord life is gonna be great right????

Well according to the Bible that is just NOT true. You can look in the OT at JOb! Or David, read the Psalms what outpouring of feelings....And since God allowed the Psalms to be in the Bible, He must be ok with people making negative confessions....Whew David is more real than I have ever been!! I just opened my Bible to Psalms 102 3-7 "For my days are consumed like smoke and my bones and burned like a hearth. My heart is stricken and withered like grass so that I forget to eat my bread because of the sound of my groaning my bones cling to my skin. I am like a pelican of the wilderness I am like an owl of the desert I lie awake and am like a sparrow alone on the housetop" WOW that is pretty rough huh??? But it is in the Bible!

Ok you can say that's the OT we live in NT times...ok...

My favorite verse in the bible, the one that is NEVER in the little "Bible Promise Books"...John 16:33...in this world you WILL have trouble....some versions read tribulations....There it is, Jesus said...You WILL have trouble in this world...but we are looking towards the world to come or shouldn't we be????? Look at Paul in 2 corthinians 11:23-29 Are they ministers of Christ I speak as a fool I am more in labors, more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequently ...3 times shipwrecks...in perils of waters, of robbers, in the city , among false brethren, often in hunger and thirst...besides the other things that come on me daily..." I think this is the scripture Steve Hill used tonight....

I don't hear that message very often do you? We share it, with our church...life is hard but God will walk with you even through "the valley of the shadow of death" Everyone wants to be delivered out of that valley but that's not how it works!

I want to be strong! I want to persevere to the end. I want to be faithful to God despite the trials that come my way. I want to live my life so that others can see that you can walk with God through the hard times. You can totally TRUST even when you don't get the answer you want. God is still on the throne although our world may fall apart....

So how did I turn around? It took a long time, years...hard times....but I began seeing God in a whole new light. so now I try to share that with others. god doesn't promise if you come to him, you get a shield that will protect you from every bad thing , every germ, every accident, every downsizing at work...but He will be your shield as you walk through life and He will give you the grace you need to face each day. It rains on the just & the unjust, we all live in a fallen world but the difference is this world is not our home, we are only passing through! We know who hold tomorrow and who will give us the grace we need.

You can trust God even when the tears are streaming down your face, I know cause I have tears alot but I know that God is with us! He can be with you too!