Sunday Sept 2

(pictures~ top one is the of the boys today at church Shad, Sam and Steve
middle one is Sam inside the beautiful church
bottom one is Jon holding Sarah at the back of the church. )


Today Selah has not had any fever. She has an elevated heart rate and blood pressure now but it's been in a more normal range most of the day. If this continues she will be able to have surgery this week for the trach and feeding tube. So physically she is doing good, neurologically no change. She has not responded in any way to us yesterday or today. It is so hard. Really holding on to the Lord right now. I'm feeling sad and overwhelmed by the future.

As you can imagine I get many messages from various people....I know most people mean well but for me, stories of others recovery from somewhat the same type of situation doesn't encourage me. Every situation is so different and generally not at all the same medically. Brain injuries from car accidents or blunt trauma are very very different than near drowning in a medical sense.

Also just so you all will understand where I am theologically...I trust God. Bottom line, I am trusting God, not having a fight with the devil. God is in control of my child's life, not the devil. God has the final word. I do not believe the Bible teaches us to demand things of God. I do continuously ask God to heal Selah. I go to sleep praying and wake up and those are my first and last thoughts of the day,as well as throughout the whole day. I cry out to God for mercy. My hope is that I will be like the widow who bothered the unjust judge so much that he granted her request, and I ask of you to bring Selah's need to God in prayer. But remember the widow asked the judge she did not demand him to do what she wanted/needed. Read Luke ch 18 Jesus says if an unjust judge would respond how much more would God hear us if we cry out to him day and night.

I've seen alot over the years and I have always tried to keep things in balance theologically. To be honest, I have wondered what I would do if faced with a really hard situation. When Sam was born, we did pray for him, but we also accepted him just like he was/is. We saw him as being made in the likeness of God and having a purpose. Yes there were tears but we were able to move on and just be thankful for his sweet life. Sure we prayed for him and even took him places for prayer but there came a time, when we just accepted things. I think of Paul and his "thorn in the flesh". He asked God 3x to deliver him from it. When God did not , he just accepted it. No one knows what the thorn was and it has been the point of many discussions over the years in theological circles...but it seems to have been physical....

Well now I am in a valley that is deeper than anything I've known before... God has given us a peace and an assurance He is with us. How can I demand things of the God who has been with me all the way? As a parent, I would be horrified if my kids demand things of us, even if it were something I was going to give them, if they demanded it, I can tell you, my kids wouldn't be getting it! Now of course God sees our hearts and knows our heart's desires and He is faithful. He understands our fears and concerns. But I think we can be disrespectful to God if we are not careful. In Job 2 Job says to his wife who was blaming God "you speak as a foolish women, shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" Most people just want God's blessings and favor in their lives. They don't want to think there will be hard times. Often when the hard times come, they get bitter and turn their back on God because they looked at Him as their good luck charm. When that charm didn't perform for them, they didn't want to serve God anymore. How many times have I heard that...I've even said it at one point in my life.

Oh but trouble can draw your heart to God. It can draw your heart to eternity. Why do you think we have hymns that are so deep? Back a hundred years ago or more, life was hard for all. Children died often, people died young and suffered much... Today we are so blessed and want to live forever on this earth since things are so good. Nowadays we have medicine and air conditioning, nice cars and houses...things are so good we don't need to think about heaven very much.

Unfortunately life is life and none of us get out of it alive! None of us get out of it without heartache and trouble. Some of us seem to have more trouble than others. but we have to remember that this present suffering is NOTHING in comparison to the glory lies ahead. So when our hearts break, we have to remember this is not the end of the story. Thank God!


Today has not been a good day for me to be quite honest. I feel very weak and overwhelmed. There is an almost physical heaviness in my chest. I want to go back to my nice normal life. I want this nightmare over, I want to be home with all five of my kids and be doing all the things that we should be doing right now. I want Selah to get up and be back. Some have prayed that she'd be healed even of the disability she had previous to this...I really don't care about that...we chose her just like she was and I was quite happy with who she was, not sure I want another kid! I just want my Selah back!!!!! I can't change a thing...all I can do is lean on the everlasting Arms. And that is what I'm doing tonight. I'm not screaming at the God of this universe, I'm not claiming some falsely believed promise, I'm just trusting that God is aware of our lowly estate.

I do believe God sent me a word through the lady I met in the mall some months ago...and He said that my family was going to go through something really big and to NOT be afraid. She didn't share anything but that with me. No hocus pocus Christian voodoo just a simple word that my spirit recognize was real even then. Of course, I put my own spin on it in my little bitty mind. I thought it meant we were going to be able to go back and get the three kids we felt drawn to at the orphanage in Ukraine. I even thought "how silly, I'm not afraid" Well...now I'm sure that the message was for this (Lord I hope it was this and there is nothing else ahead for us right now!!!!!!!) So I cling to the "do not be afraid" It was not given in a self righteous tone like God was warning me not to be afraid or I'd be in trouble. But rather it was shared in a comforting way, so that is how I'm trusting in it. She didn't say God was going to miraculously deliver us from something or even give us a miracle but rather just for me not to be afraid. So when the thought of what lies ahead, overwhelms my heart and mind, I remember "do not be afraid"]

So please pray for Selah, pray for us. We are under alot of stress in many ways. It is hard to be away from home but people have been extremely gracious. I've said before we are living in a "bubble of Grace" it is also a bubble that somewhat shields us from tomorrow, I can't think much more than a day or so ahead. When I think of surgery, recovery, relocating Selah to Florida, having to redo our house, all the changes...I just have to go back to this day and live it. I'm normally a planner but not at this point in my life. It's a strange reaction for me to have but maybe that is all I can deal with right now. Thank you again and again for your prayers. Keep Selah before the throne of God for us. Hold us up please. thank you

We went to church and to our good friends' house for lunch. We were going to ride by the Sodus Point Lighthouse but got lost:) I never get lost and have about 3x today! So we will to a Wegmans Supermarket...OH MY GOSH! I was completely overwhelmed....LOL Now I am a Publix girl all the way but Wegmans is quite the shopping experience. It even had candy from Ukraine in it! I have to say in comparison, Publix stores are much larger and easier to find stuff in, Wegmans was large but the aisle were just too small and cramped but there was so much stuff! Geez! And the store was crowded like a hurricane was coming LOL.

First picture

This is the first picture we have of us holding the girls, I have Selah and Jon is reaching for Sarah, getting her out of the wheelchair Lots of happy tears! I'll never forget the moment we walked up the stairs and saw them in the little room waiting for us. There were tons of other people around but we only had eyes for them...

Stable night and morning... Reality of condition

Selah had a good night and is resting this morning. All labs are good but her heart rate & blood pressure remain high. A UTI was cultured last night so maybe that is what is causing the latest fevers. We ask you all to continue to pray for her physically & neurologically. It is a blessing for her to be stable physically for the most part but she needs her blood pressure to go down. It remains in the 140-150 for the top number and the bottom number is running 110-120... Those numbers are much too high.


So please pray for Selah. We NEED a miracle! We need God to heal her. The doctors have given us NO hope whatsoever for any change neurologically. She is in a vegetative coma, to be blunt. If you remember the Terri Shivo case from some years ago, she is less responsive than Terri was on video. So if you can picture that, you know we need a real miracle from God. But we respect Selah and the life that is still within her! I just want you to realize as you pray that this need has NOT gone away. It is heartbreaking to see this little girl that was so full of life, just lying still....Please please pray!

As a child growing up, and as a teen, I used to think I didn't have much of a testimony. I never really went "out into the world" so I didn't have some great story of how God delivered me. Of course I can testify that God kept me from the world. Well all the hell fire and brimstone preaching is what kept me from straying too far LOL But I can testify now believe me! We have been living inside a Bubble of God's Grace these past 2 and a half weeks. This is my worst nightmare come true but the Grace and Faithfulness of God has just flooded us. Yes we cry, at times uncontrollably BUT the Grace of God is there. I've never experienced anything like this. The nearness of eternity...not necessiarly because of the fear of Selah dying, but because of the preciouness of the HOPE that no matter what happens in life, we have an eternal hope that is far beyond the pain of this life. IF God does not heal Selah, we know what kind of life we will have. We have lived in the Special Needs world for almost 9 yrs now and we realize the ramifications of what lies ahead. Is it scary? YES! But even if we have to walk through that, there is coming day when this will all just seem like a slight memory! One day Selah will be completely whole!!!

When we chose to adopt the girls, we knew they had significant disabilities and we were committing to a life long care for them as we have for Sam. We were not afraid because we were already walking that path with Sam and we knew the road to be a road filled with lots of JOY despite the difference from a "normal" life. Now unless God in His mercy heals Selah, we know some of the path ahead and it's a rockier road than what we are used to but we chose to love and to serve them for the rest of their lives. It will just be a different road.

During these days, I've surrendered this to God. I had to. My husband works two jobs and I'm the one who handles the day to day life in our home. Frankly right now, I don't' know how it is all going to work out BUT I know God is faithful and gives us what we need when we need it.

Of course I pray that God will be merciful to Selah and us. I want her back and I'm sure she wants to be back to her normal, enjoying life, following me around the house and learning new things. I pray that God will deliver her from this injury but even if He does not, we will serve God and trust His hand! We will not let our hearts grow bitter towards God. This life is but a vapor...soon we will stand before God and all our tears will be wiped away. On that day, we will say no matter what the road we walked, it was worth it all...

I want you to understand how I think theologically....In NO way do I think God caused or that He willed this accident to happen. We do not serve a sadist God. However we live in a fallen world and life happens...God knows all, He wasn't surprised by this accident but by His own attributes, He is not a genie in a bottle. The Bible doesn't promise us a perfect life and if you are sitting under a preacher that tells you that, RUN!

How many of you have seen the little "Promise Bibles"? They are filled with the promises of scripture which is GREAT! But it doesn't have some promises in there...like when Jesus said "in this world you WILL have trouble" That's a promise from Jesus that you will not hear preached very often in America where we just want the blessings of God. I want the blessings too but I realize that most of our blessings are of an eternal nature.

We are seasoned by suffering. Again I don't think God causes suffering but He will walk with us through it IF we will let Him. Don't get me wrong, I am crying out to God for her healing. I've never wanted anything more than I want this but I know God doesn't always heal. More often than not, we have to deal with the affects of sin (the fallen world- "in Adam's fall, we sinned all") Having been raised in a pentecostal home, being in the ministry for over 20 years, more often than not, I have seen good folks having to walk out their faith in trying situations. To me that is still a victory!

A few years ago, one of our beloved church members got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Dan was a rock for us during some hard times. We prayed and prayed for a miracle. He didn't get healed but he died with such a faith! It made an impact on my oldest son and I know that is something he will carry with him through life. Dam faced death knowing death had no victory over him! Did we want him healed? YES! But what a testimony he left behind!

So I pray in faith knowing that God can heal and deliver Selah but even if He doesn't we still have victory in Jesus knowing that this world is not our home, we are only passing through! So we cling to that sure hope! An eternal hope knowing that God causes all things to work together for the good for those who are called. It might not work the way I want it to, but it's going to be alright. It's going to alright whatever the outcome because we have a sure Anchor! No matter what life throws at us, we have an Anchor in Jesus. That means we have something to hold onto when the hard times come and rock our world. We can still stand and say we will trust God. Our family will still trust God!

Our children are watching us walk through this. They have seen all the things we have walked through and see some real miracles. Now they see us holding onto God's hand through this. When we were blessed with our new van before we left for Ukraine, on the way to pick it up, I turned to the boys and told them to remember that night and God's faithfulness even when they were old men. We were all happy and rejoicing:) but I wanted them to remember how God had supplied a need for our family. Well even in this I want the boys to think back and remember this and remember how FAITHFUL God has been to us as we have walked through this. One day they will be grown, have families and will walk through their own heartaches and I want them to turn to God when those times come.

So if you are reading this and wondering am I just putting my best foot forward on here, let me tell you I'm not like that at all. I'm pretty real (ummm to say the least) but I can tell you this peace is so real and close to me. It is amazing. Truly I have never experienced anything like it. If it wasn't real, I'd be the FIRST to tell you! Often I write about my theological struggles in various areas... sometimes I have had to put disclaimers on my blogs LOL! But this is real...it's not shock, it's not my mind trying to shut down....we are well aware of Life...we are not in denial...but we know Who is with us. Thank you for your prayers for us, for Selah... I can sit here today and say we are blessed, not from the absence of trouble but we are blessed as we walk through the fires of life. We know there is One who walks with us!

So NO MATTER what YOU ar going through, turn it over to God. Don't let your heart get bitter. TRUST HIM! Trust is hard for me. I'm one of those people who is very skeptical of others and don't trust very easily. I had enough psychology classes to diagnosis myself LOL and I realize my life experiences have made me distrustful (not to mention the career I had for many years working in the criminal justice system LOL) So trusting God did not come easy to me at all. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. maybe you can relate to that. But once I did learn to trust, I found that old song "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus" to become so dear and true... It is sweet to trust Him.

Friday

First an update on Selah. Her kidney function is perfect, still has fevers, and high blood pressure. Please pray that the fevers go away. We can't go any further right now until that is cleared up. There is such a question about where the fevers are coming from. I know we wouldn't be comfortable with her having surgery for the trach and feeding tube with her having them.

Today she seemed to respond to Jon. He made some of the sweet little noises that she used to make and she turned her head to him as he moved around the bed. It also looked like she moved her shoulders when he would say to her "come to daddy Selah". I'm sure the doctors wouldn't think it was purposeful movement but it looked like it. We try not to get our hopes up too much as there is so much other things she is not doing but we can't help but hope that her little personality will come back to us!!!

Since she was stable today, we went and got Jon's new glasses. He lost them in the accident. This time he had to get bi-focals and is trying to adjust. It was so odd to be at a mall. I think I was in shock, everyone was so loud and the colors were bright! There just was so much going on, it was overwhelming! I did finally get my hair cut. It needed it before we left Florida but I never had time to do it and thought I could just do it up here. Well.....one day since everything happened, I used the dull scissors from RMH to cut my bangs...I couldn't stand them in my eyes anymore, so today I finally got it fixed. Feeling alot better now lol

We came back and ate supper with the kids, thanks RMH! It was a great Taco meal. Now I'm back with Selah, Jon is doing eye drops and getting the little ones ready for bed. Every time I walk in here I have a fantasy playing in my mind that the nurse will run out and say "hurry up she is waking up" please pray for her to wake up . Jon & I were talking about that today and how somehow we still have hope for her. Please pray that she will wake up completely and we will have our funny little girl back with us.

You see, to many in this old world, she was just a cast away, not of any significance BUT to us she was a hidden jewel, hidden away in a mental institution. She was a "pearl of great price" Selah & Sarah both...worth all the tiny (in comparison) inconveniences and cost to go and rescue them. They are princesses to us. We actually thought of giving her the middle name Jewel but chose JoHannah to honor Jon's mom (Joann) She is still our little jewel. I share this so you will know how priceless she is to us and how we care for her.

Good morning

Thank you for your prayers. Selah's kidney function is in the normal range!!! She still is having unexplained fevers, her white blood cell count is going down which is good. When she has a fever her blood pressure and heart rate goes up! So we need to pray for her to quit having fevers!

Last night I stayed at the main RMH with the family and Sam slept with me. he was so happy to have me back that he squealed and rubbed my hair. We all had to laugh at him but were glad when he calmed down and went to sleep:)

I got the kids up this morning and got them to work cleaning our room and doing laundry. They are probably ready for me to leave LOL.

Please keep praying for our girl. We have some decisions to make about going forward with surgery for a trach and feeding tube with these unexplained fevers...pray for wisdom!

Selah pictures

These were all taken in the first week of the girls being home. the bottom picture is Mother's Day, our first Sunday home.....

Memories

The first picture is of Jon and Selah and me and Sarah on the 2nd day we met them in Ukraine at the orphange.

The second picture is Jon with Selah on the 3rd day, we actually go a small smile

And the last picture is Selah her first night home, in her bed!!!!! Want her to be back there soon!!!!!!