Back on Day 1, I thought by Day 60 Selah would be so far ahead than what she is today.
We had our weekly meeting today. Basically it comes down to we are not happy nor do we have the same level of teamwork/trust as we had in NY. We asked to be transferred but that is almost impossible since she is not acutely ill. We already understood that but had hoped they may want to transfer us so we put it out as an option. We are hoping for a release date of Monday and alot of things are falling into place so that might just happen. Jon & I are going over training/discharge paperwork in order to leave on Monday if the nursing is set up. That all is being worked on by different agencies. Pray that we will have everything in place by Monday with 24 hour nursing as we have requested due to our circumstances. Thankfully in our state, they do have to take into consideration our other children. I'm not sure how often they've had a family with three disabled children. But everyone seems to think that will tip the scales in our favor.
Selah had a storm at 3:30 PM her new regular time. Then she got her meds. The storm only lasted about 10 minutes. But then at 4:30 pm it started again. It took her about 45 minutes to bring herself down. We have no idea why she is having storms again. All I say is once she had started the fish oil study on Day 1 she went from storming several times a day to no storming again until a couple of weeks ago. The fish oil bottle was changed (we thought it had been compromised) and she didn't have another storm until this past Tuesday.
She was evaluated by a neurologist who was called in. In a nutshell the neuro basically said Selah was at the same place as she was in NY according to their (NY) records....The neuro said it was "how she was viewed or how it was interpreted or read" Basically that means Selah is the same, we all misunderstood her in NY...... If it was not so asinine, I would have to laugh but at this point I just want to cry....I can't even discuss how we feel about this but to say we do NOT agree that she is the same as she was in NY! Two major documented differences...1. she had quit storming in NY 2. she was swallowing in NY... Those aren't things that are open to interpretation or subjective views......
Jon and I just have our heads down and are plodding along, making sure we have everything ready for her release on Monday. We are beat down and discouraged in a way we have not been before. At least during the hard times in NY we had confidence in those who were working with Selah. That makes a huge difference when you feel everything that can be done is being done. If there were any questions about her health, they turned over every stone to make sure she had proper care! We didn't have to ask for it, it happened in the course of treatment! Can I say again how much we love Strong's Hospital in Rochester NY! We knew we were in the best hands and had confidence in that! We do appreciate the nurses who have been working with Selah here, we have three lovely ladies who do the majority of her nursing and they are great and caring. One is from Eastern Europe herself, one from Morocco and one homegrown:) But this is far different than Strong's
So our prayer request is that everything comes together in the way we need in order for us to be most comfortable in bringing her home. We really want to go home on Monday with her. Our family needs to be home. Up until this past week or so I've not even let myself think about going home and actually living there with our family. I am so ready..... I think we are all at a breaking point, Jon, me and the kids. The kids have all been so great and have had wonderful attitudes through this whole ordeal but they need structure in their lives again. I'm really proud of Steve and Shad, they have not complained at all about losing their room and having to sleep on the floor. Honestly not one word or grumble, they've treated it like an adventure:) They've all "gone with the flow" Last night Sarah had a nightmare and woke up screaming and shaking. I had to hold her and sing to her for her to calm down. She was doing the long shuddering breaths....she finally calmed down. I think we haven't given her enough attention the last few days. I stayed home with them this morning and held her and fed her and talked to her... I think just a few months ago she was living in a mental institution. Now she just goes with the flow and has adapted so well to everything but some days she just needs Mama! And I need her and her sweet laugh!!! But we are all ready to be home, even tho home will be so different......
I have never tried to say what I thought our future looked like....we hope and pray for Selah's healing. I can't believe this is the ending we will have.... but I don't know.... I cry out to Jesus every night and every morning when I wake up. It comes welling up from inside of me. Sometimes when I am half asleep, I find myself fervently praying for Selah without evern thinking about it. I ask for His mercy over Selah.... I ask for Grace to walk whatever path that lies in front of us. I don't understand why others have had a recovery and Selah hasn't.... But I am still going to trust God.
These past almost 5 months have been the hardest walk I've ever had...and there is no end in sight right now. Please pray for Jon & me, we need your prayers, now more than ever....
Thank you all again for your prayers and for your many kindnesses to our family. I am beyond behind on thank yous but please know we do not take anything for granted. We have learned by the outpouring of love to know how much it means to be reached out to. There has been times in other's situations that I thought maybe I should send a card or something but figured it wouldn't mean that much, probably so many others were doing it ....OH but it does mean so much !!!!! I'll never squash that impulse again even if I barely know the person or even if I don't know the person! So thank you all!
"Our life maybe a crazy life but it's our life" I'm married to a pastor of a small rural church, who is also the prison chaplain. We have 5 kids, each with their unique story. I love gardening & we all love the outdoors. Our life is not the way we planned it to be, but we are learning to trust God in every area. Come and read about our life as we live it to the fullest!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Day 59 Fish Oil Study~ complete bad news
I do not even know how to write all that has happened today and all that is on our minds...
This morning we came in Selah's room and her right arm was lying out by her side like she was on a cross. It looked so odd that it caught my attention immediately. I went over and went to move it and she winced and her heart rate soared. I stopped moving it and went and told the nurse I wanted a doctor in to see her because I thought her arm was hurt. An hour or so passed and the doctor came in and said nothing was wrong she was doing a new movement/posturing. The OT had also come and saw it and thought it looked odd, not something Selah's body was doing on her own. We still asked for an xray that took hours to get and more hours to read and get the results. Tonight the results came that there was no broken or fractured bones. She stormed today right after they were doing the xray for about 5 -10 minutes again. She reacted to being moved as if it really hurt her. All the doctor would say is maybe she is sore from the spacity and that is why she reacted like that. I have no idea...my gut tells me NO!
This is a new doctor to us. We went through all of the ways Selah has regressed since she has been transferred here. The doctor, of course, puts the blame on Selah. "She has had so much brain damage, she is unstable" I kept repeatedly saying that she was stable for weeks and weeks in NY. It was like talking to a wall. She did call in a neurologist, who will come in tomorrow. She seems to think that Selah "just happened to decline" when she came here as that is part of the whole brain injury situation. We do NOT believe that for a moment! She also suggested that something may have happened on the plane trip, but she was hooked up to everything and nothing registered a problem. She also suggested Selah may have increased water on the brain. She thinks a CAT scan (because it is easier to schedule) should be done. We disagree, we want an MRI because it is much safer and Selah has had a couple of CAT scans so we are done with those for now!!! We've asked for a MRI for weeks and they act like it is soooo hard to schedule one. Truth is NO ONE has tried to schedule one to my knowledge.
I am beyond frustrated tonight. Since the day we arrived, we were shocked at the decline in Selah. It took us 2 days to drive here and in those 2 days we couldn't believe the change in Selah. It has gone from bad to worse. We do not feel that we are listened to at all. We constantly tell them to call our therapists and doctors in NY for more details and to my knowledge that isn't done. We feel like they think we are just very unrealistic parents who thought there was a tiny bit of improvement in their hopeless child.
Please don't make a ton of suggestions. Right now we just want to get her home. It is almost impossible to transfer her to another hospital at this point. We know, remember we were in NY for 18 weeks? At least 12 of those weeks trying to get to Florida. Just pray that Selah will not decline any further and that all the insurances/planning will come together and that she will be ready to leave with 24 hour nursing on Monday.
Jon and I are very upset, worried and distraught. We do not know what is wrong but there is something terribly wrong here. I still believe it comes back to mishandling of the fish oil. I have no proof of that now as it is not brought into her room until it is already mixed but the smell is gone again. Her clothes still have a smell but tonight I just buried my face into her hair and all I could smell was Selah...not fish oil. I just want to get her home although I am petrified of the responsibility....
We watched some videos we made of her in NY in therapy after the accident and we both cried because she looked so good and aware. She was making great eye contact and doing things. Now she is barely there again....it's awful to have had such great progress just to see it slip away. I think that hurts more than anything!!!!
This morning we came in Selah's room and her right arm was lying out by her side like she was on a cross. It looked so odd that it caught my attention immediately. I went over and went to move it and she winced and her heart rate soared. I stopped moving it and went and told the nurse I wanted a doctor in to see her because I thought her arm was hurt. An hour or so passed and the doctor came in and said nothing was wrong she was doing a new movement/posturing. The OT had also come and saw it and thought it looked odd, not something Selah's body was doing on her own. We still asked for an xray that took hours to get and more hours to read and get the results. Tonight the results came that there was no broken or fractured bones. She stormed today right after they were doing the xray for about 5 -10 minutes again. She reacted to being moved as if it really hurt her. All the doctor would say is maybe she is sore from the spacity and that is why she reacted like that. I have no idea...my gut tells me NO!
This is a new doctor to us. We went through all of the ways Selah has regressed since she has been transferred here. The doctor, of course, puts the blame on Selah. "She has had so much brain damage, she is unstable" I kept repeatedly saying that she was stable for weeks and weeks in NY. It was like talking to a wall. She did call in a neurologist, who will come in tomorrow. She seems to think that Selah "just happened to decline" when she came here as that is part of the whole brain injury situation. We do NOT believe that for a moment! She also suggested that something may have happened on the plane trip, but she was hooked up to everything and nothing registered a problem. She also suggested Selah may have increased water on the brain. She thinks a CAT scan (because it is easier to schedule) should be done. We disagree, we want an MRI because it is much safer and Selah has had a couple of CAT scans so we are done with those for now!!! We've asked for a MRI for weeks and they act like it is soooo hard to schedule one. Truth is NO ONE has tried to schedule one to my knowledge.
I am beyond frustrated tonight. Since the day we arrived, we were shocked at the decline in Selah. It took us 2 days to drive here and in those 2 days we couldn't believe the change in Selah. It has gone from bad to worse. We do not feel that we are listened to at all. We constantly tell them to call our therapists and doctors in NY for more details and to my knowledge that isn't done. We feel like they think we are just very unrealistic parents who thought there was a tiny bit of improvement in their hopeless child.
Please don't make a ton of suggestions. Right now we just want to get her home. It is almost impossible to transfer her to another hospital at this point. We know, remember we were in NY for 18 weeks? At least 12 of those weeks trying to get to Florida. Just pray that Selah will not decline any further and that all the insurances/planning will come together and that she will be ready to leave with 24 hour nursing on Monday.
Jon and I are very upset, worried and distraught. We do not know what is wrong but there is something terribly wrong here. I still believe it comes back to mishandling of the fish oil. I have no proof of that now as it is not brought into her room until it is already mixed but the smell is gone again. Her clothes still have a smell but tonight I just buried my face into her hair and all I could smell was Selah...not fish oil. I just want to get her home although I am petrified of the responsibility....
We watched some videos we made of her in NY in therapy after the accident and we both cried because she looked so good and aware. She was making great eye contact and doing things. Now she is barely there again....it's awful to have had such great progress just to see it slip away. I think that hurts more than anything!!!!
Day 58 fish Oil Study:(
After yesterday I thought I'd have more great stuff to write about.....today Jon changed her trach and she had a small storm. It only lasted 5-10 minutes but still her heartbeat went up to 170 and she shook. She has never had a reaction to her trach being changed before and they did it really quick. She brought herself down and didn't need any extra meds. she hasn't had another problem but I am worried about tomorrow....I'm worried about the fish oil.... she had NO problems in NY. She was as stable as she could be under the circumstances, she was progressing daily or at least was staying the same daily and hitting new milestones every few days. I do not believe this regression we have seen is because Selah herself is unstable. I don't feel it in my gut. I trust my gut instinct, I've had almost 9 yrs of dealing with a sick/handicapped child. My gut has always been right. My gut tells me that something with the fish oil is off. When it was started 58 days ago, she went from having "storming" daily, often several times a day, to no storming, no matter what was asked of her (in therapy) That remained consistent even when she had pneumonia. she was amazing everyone....what has changed? Her location and the way the fish oil has been treated. Now although we had felt everything had been addressed, this has happened again. I know if I go to the doctors about this they will just tell me that Selah was a near drowning and near drownings are unstable...... Well most might be but she has never been once the fish oil was started. I am just sick about this....
Please pray for Selah....pray that there will be no more episodes and that we can get everything set up for her to be transferred home asap!!! When she is home ~ Jon or I will be the only ones to touch her fish oil. We will make sure that it is done correctly. We know she is the 7th person to be admitted into this study. The other 6 recovered from their comas, some did have some physical delays but they all recovered. We saw so much recovery in the first 40 days it was unreal! We believe that she will regain the function she had in NY and improve beyond that if things are done correctly.
Tonight I accidentally called Strong's Hospital instead of the one she is in now (they are both listed under Selah in my phone) I asked for her nurse and the floor receptionist caught my voice and we started laughing. She & I spoke for a few minutes and she told me how they all think of us...I could have cried....I loved those folks so much and had so much trust in them.... I do not feel the same about where she is now. Although we do have some lovely nurses that we like and would be glad to take a few of them home with us to work with her. But overall it is not the same and that is hard for me. I feel like Selah is just looked at as "another drowning case" and "you know they don't progress" I don't feel like they believe us about her progress in NY although they've talked to her therapists in NY.
Selah is different as every case is different....we saw real progress. Now we see real regression...she was stable too long for this type of regression at this point in the recovery process. Something is not right....
Please pray for Selah and for us that we have wisdom.
Please pray for Selah....pray that there will be no more episodes and that we can get everything set up for her to be transferred home asap!!! When she is home ~ Jon or I will be the only ones to touch her fish oil. We will make sure that it is done correctly. We know she is the 7th person to be admitted into this study. The other 6 recovered from their comas, some did have some physical delays but they all recovered. We saw so much recovery in the first 40 days it was unreal! We believe that she will regain the function she had in NY and improve beyond that if things are done correctly.
Tonight I accidentally called Strong's Hospital instead of the one she is in now (they are both listed under Selah in my phone) I asked for her nurse and the floor receptionist caught my voice and we started laughing. She & I spoke for a few minutes and she told me how they all think of us...I could have cried....I loved those folks so much and had so much trust in them.... I do not feel the same about where she is now. Although we do have some lovely nurses that we like and would be glad to take a few of them home with us to work with her. But overall it is not the same and that is hard for me. I feel like Selah is just looked at as "another drowning case" and "you know they don't progress" I don't feel like they believe us about her progress in NY although they've talked to her therapists in NY.
Selah is different as every case is different....we saw real progress. Now we see real regression...she was stable too long for this type of regression at this point in the recovery process. Something is not right....
Please pray for Selah and for us that we have wisdom.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Day 57 fish oil~good news~ News clip
http://www.13wham.com/mediacenter/local.aspx
Our family's story was one featured on the Rochester NY news as stories of the year. I believe the story is not so much about the accident, although that was life altering for our family but I believe the true story here is God's faithfulness. If you want to view it, you have to click down to our story it is #6 on the right side on the bottom. It's very sweet and done very compassionate.
Today Selah held her head up for about 15 seconds. That is the best she has done since she has been here. We are thrilled. We are also thrilled that when I did her wash today, her clothes reeked of fish oil! She still doesn't smell as strongly as she did to me but she is getting there. It looks like we won't leave on Wednesday, with the holidays, it has been difficult to get the insurances to do everything they are supposed to do to get things started and which insurance will pay what....I'm not surprised and it's ok. Remember we tried to leave NY for months:) I'm glad we didn't but we certainly aren't surprised it may take a few more days to get this all set up. Thankfully our house and yard will be done and all her supplies will be delivered and set up before she gets home.
I've also noticed that when she gets annoyed, she is starting to lift her head and shoulders up off the bed again. She did that before while she was in the hospital in NY and sometimes she did it to welcome us into the room. We look forward to Selah getting more back to her normal!
I had some money left over on a Target card (thanks friend!) and I bought Selah two "coming home" outfits! I'm looking forward to putting one of them on her ( and having a spare!) when she leaves!
We had supper provided for by Deerwood Publix tonight... Publix subs and sweet tea....WOOHOO! Nothing better:) thanks Publix!
Happy New Year to all. We are staying safe and sound inside watching National Geo....a story on the Mayans LOL taped before Dec 21 LOL! At least it is interesting! Stay safe tonight everyone!!!!
Our family's story was one featured on the Rochester NY news as stories of the year. I believe the story is not so much about the accident, although that was life altering for our family but I believe the true story here is God's faithfulness. If you want to view it, you have to click down to our story it is #6 on the right side on the bottom. It's very sweet and done very compassionate.
Today Selah held her head up for about 15 seconds. That is the best she has done since she has been here. We are thrilled. We are also thrilled that when I did her wash today, her clothes reeked of fish oil! She still doesn't smell as strongly as she did to me but she is getting there. It looks like we won't leave on Wednesday, with the holidays, it has been difficult to get the insurances to do everything they are supposed to do to get things started and which insurance will pay what....I'm not surprised and it's ok. Remember we tried to leave NY for months:) I'm glad we didn't but we certainly aren't surprised it may take a few more days to get this all set up. Thankfully our house and yard will be done and all her supplies will be delivered and set up before she gets home.
I've also noticed that when she gets annoyed, she is starting to lift her head and shoulders up off the bed again. She did that before while she was in the hospital in NY and sometimes she did it to welcome us into the room. We look forward to Selah getting more back to her normal!
I had some money left over on a Target card (thanks friend!) and I bought Selah two "coming home" outfits! I'm looking forward to putting one of them on her ( and having a spare!) when she leaves!
We had supper provided for by Deerwood Publix tonight... Publix subs and sweet tea....WOOHOO! Nothing better:) thanks Publix!
Happy New Year to all. We are staying safe and sound inside watching National Geo....a story on the Mayans LOL taped before Dec 21 LOL! At least it is interesting! Stay safe tonight everyone!!!!
New Year's Eve
Reading over FB made me realize that today is New Year's Eve! Duh! For some reason, I just hadn't caught on to that:)
On New Year's Eve, we often look back over the past year and reflect. Well this year has brought me to the very highest place and the very lowest place. I can not imagine having another year like this one. It started with such anticipation as we got ready to welcome our new children home. A year ago today we had a HUGE financial miracle for our adoption and over $10,000 came in in ONE day to pay for the adoption! Jon & I were just in tears throughout the day as we checked our page on Reece's Rainbow and watched the total funding grow higher and then as we got a phone call saying a large check was coming for their adoption. It was amazing! We ended the day with our family and my in laws around the fire out back:) What a day!
Obviously this day is going to be very different....many things have transpired since last New Year's Eve....
We started last year with great anticapiton, our paperwork was in, we were just waiting on Ukraine (and waiting and waiting) to tell us to "Come" We had hoped to go in February but didn't leave until March. Our whole lives were on hold not knowing the date we were leaving. We didn't make any long range plans, we just waited and got everything ready and perfect for our girls!
Every morning once the dates started coming I had my phone right beside me, hoping today would be the day that I'd get the call! That day finally came and I almost passed out!!!!! It came later in the morning, after I'd given up hope....oh but I was so glad to hear the stateside assistant tell me we had a date!!!!!! All the last minute running around....then we finally left for our appointment in Kiev! And after all the stuff in the capital it was on to the all night train ride on the "hell train" as we like to refer to it....Let's just say it had much to be desired! Then another 1.5 hour van ride ( in a 1970 Russian army van- and no I am not making this up) on terrible dirt roads, as fast as we could go till we got to the girls town of Torez. Then we met with a bunch of people and our facilitator did whatever he was to do and then finally on to the adult mental institution to meet our girls....after we went through more talking in the director's office. Let me just tell you, when you are minutes away from meeting your children, you can not think of anything else..... Finally all the preliminaries were done and we walked out into the courtyard, to the old building in the back. We went up a smelly staircase and at the top in a little alcove were the two little girls we had come half way around the world to get....Sarah & Selah! Sarah was in a wheelchair and Selah was standing, I didn't know who to grab first so I just grabbed both of them!
There is something so spiritual about meeting your children for the first time whether it is by childbirth or adoption. There is something so sacred about adoption. You've chosen that little person and you have dreamed about that little person and worked so hard to get to that little person and then you are there.....it is amazing!!!! I'm blessed to have experienced that twice in my life!
So then we spent the next 6 weeks living in Torez Ukraine. I loved that poor little Ukrainian town near the Russian border. Yes it was hard living but it was so real. When it was time to leave, I really didn't want to go. (although that might have been the thought of all that was to come....traveling back home with 3 little people (we had Sam with us also) and the trip on the train was ahead!)
The day came when we left the orphanage, adult mental institution, the internot, whatever you want to call it they were free!!!!!!!!! That was just an incredible day.....then off to Kiev to do all the American embassy stuff and then on to home....HOME.....with our girls.....
That night that we were all finally home and everyone was in their beds....I can not tell you the peace I felt when I laid down to sleep.....
Then the most wonderful 14 weeks of my life....it went so quick...if I had only known, I would have cherished each moment even more dearer than I did...... ( just typing that makes me cry...you have no idea how very happy that short time was)
Then our first road trip, up to NY to Sam's eye doctor and the chance of Sarah being helped also....
The ACCIDENT August 15, 2012 changed our lives forever....
The days of not knowing if Selah would live, the weeks of no responses...
Finally around the first of October, she began responding a tiny bit....then we got her on the fish oil study and saw her responses come more often, more consistently, they began to build....
Then the gut wrenching transfer down to Florida and seeing her regress....
Now we are preparing to take a new step on this journey...going HOME....soon I will have all my kids under one roof again. It's been almost 5 months.The whole adoption from commitment to the day we traveled took less than 5 months!!!!
I never dreamed last New Year's Eve of all the twists and turns that 2012 would have in store for us. I never dreamed I'd be away from home for more than 6 months ( including the adoption and the accident we have been away from home for 27 weeks!!!!!!) I'm such a homebody, God has given me the grace to do it and not complain but be content in "whatever state" I was in...that is a real miracle!
I also never dreamed I'd know God's sustaining grace over all in my life like I can say I know it now. God never left us through the very darkest days....His love and peace were with us. I look back and am just amazed at how God brought us through....it was not us, it was not me, it was God's grace in our lives.
I have not felt abandoned by God, I've not felt let down by God. How can I not trust this God who although He is the ruler of this Universe, takes the time to speak peace to my heart as I am running towards the ambulances, knowing somehow in my heart, that my family is involved...... What a God I serve! Sure if He were a magic genie, He could make my life a rose garden but, without going into a whole theological discussion here, that is not who God is. I believe in the biblical accounts, and I believe when Adam and Eve sinned, sin came into the world with death and heartache, That is not what God wanted but he allowed man to have his own free will and in that free will man chose to bring that upon the whole human race. Therefore we live in a fallen crappy world. Things happen...the bible tells us that "many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them from them all" Jesus said "in this world you will have trouble..." That is just the gist of it....
I'm thankful that God has been with us. I can not imagine going through this past year without God's strength. It has certainly not been in my strength! Even the adoption was taxing....very hard but God helped us and we made it through!
What a year this 2012 has been....I don't know what lies ahead in 2013, it may be good or it may be hard but I am confident that the same God who has been with us through 2012 and all the previous years before., wll be with us in this coming year.
I pray that each of you will find that same peace for the year that lies ahead for you.
On New Year's Eve, we often look back over the past year and reflect. Well this year has brought me to the very highest place and the very lowest place. I can not imagine having another year like this one. It started with such anticipation as we got ready to welcome our new children home. A year ago today we had a HUGE financial miracle for our adoption and over $10,000 came in in ONE day to pay for the adoption! Jon & I were just in tears throughout the day as we checked our page on Reece's Rainbow and watched the total funding grow higher and then as we got a phone call saying a large check was coming for their adoption. It was amazing! We ended the day with our family and my in laws around the fire out back:) What a day!
Obviously this day is going to be very different....many things have transpired since last New Year's Eve....
We started last year with great anticapiton, our paperwork was in, we were just waiting on Ukraine (and waiting and waiting) to tell us to "Come" We had hoped to go in February but didn't leave until March. Our whole lives were on hold not knowing the date we were leaving. We didn't make any long range plans, we just waited and got everything ready and perfect for our girls!
Every morning once the dates started coming I had my phone right beside me, hoping today would be the day that I'd get the call! That day finally came and I almost passed out!!!!! It came later in the morning, after I'd given up hope....oh but I was so glad to hear the stateside assistant tell me we had a date!!!!!! All the last minute running around....then we finally left for our appointment in Kiev! And after all the stuff in the capital it was on to the all night train ride on the "hell train" as we like to refer to it....Let's just say it had much to be desired! Then another 1.5 hour van ride ( in a 1970 Russian army van- and no I am not making this up) on terrible dirt roads, as fast as we could go till we got to the girls town of Torez. Then we met with a bunch of people and our facilitator did whatever he was to do and then finally on to the adult mental institution to meet our girls....after we went through more talking in the director's office. Let me just tell you, when you are minutes away from meeting your children, you can not think of anything else..... Finally all the preliminaries were done and we walked out into the courtyard, to the old building in the back. We went up a smelly staircase and at the top in a little alcove were the two little girls we had come half way around the world to get....Sarah & Selah! Sarah was in a wheelchair and Selah was standing, I didn't know who to grab first so I just grabbed both of them!
There is something so spiritual about meeting your children for the first time whether it is by childbirth or adoption. There is something so sacred about adoption. You've chosen that little person and you have dreamed about that little person and worked so hard to get to that little person and then you are there.....it is amazing!!!! I'm blessed to have experienced that twice in my life!
So then we spent the next 6 weeks living in Torez Ukraine. I loved that poor little Ukrainian town near the Russian border. Yes it was hard living but it was so real. When it was time to leave, I really didn't want to go. (although that might have been the thought of all that was to come....traveling back home with 3 little people (we had Sam with us also) and the trip on the train was ahead!)
The day came when we left the orphanage, adult mental institution, the internot, whatever you want to call it they were free!!!!!!!!! That was just an incredible day.....then off to Kiev to do all the American embassy stuff and then on to home....HOME.....with our girls.....
That night that we were all finally home and everyone was in their beds....I can not tell you the peace I felt when I laid down to sleep.....
Then the most wonderful 14 weeks of my life....it went so quick...if I had only known, I would have cherished each moment even more dearer than I did...... ( just typing that makes me cry...you have no idea how very happy that short time was)
Then our first road trip, up to NY to Sam's eye doctor and the chance of Sarah being helped also....
The ACCIDENT August 15, 2012 changed our lives forever....
The days of not knowing if Selah would live, the weeks of no responses...
Finally around the first of October, she began responding a tiny bit....then we got her on the fish oil study and saw her responses come more often, more consistently, they began to build....
Then the gut wrenching transfer down to Florida and seeing her regress....
Now we are preparing to take a new step on this journey...going HOME....soon I will have all my kids under one roof again. It's been almost 5 months.The whole adoption from commitment to the day we traveled took less than 5 months!!!!
I never dreamed last New Year's Eve of all the twists and turns that 2012 would have in store for us. I never dreamed I'd be away from home for more than 6 months ( including the adoption and the accident we have been away from home for 27 weeks!!!!!!) I'm such a homebody, God has given me the grace to do it and not complain but be content in "whatever state" I was in...that is a real miracle!
I also never dreamed I'd know God's sustaining grace over all in my life like I can say I know it now. God never left us through the very darkest days....His love and peace were with us. I look back and am just amazed at how God brought us through....it was not us, it was not me, it was God's grace in our lives.
I have not felt abandoned by God, I've not felt let down by God. How can I not trust this God who although He is the ruler of this Universe, takes the time to speak peace to my heart as I am running towards the ambulances, knowing somehow in my heart, that my family is involved...... What a God I serve! Sure if He were a magic genie, He could make my life a rose garden but, without going into a whole theological discussion here, that is not who God is. I believe in the biblical accounts, and I believe when Adam and Eve sinned, sin came into the world with death and heartache, That is not what God wanted but he allowed man to have his own free will and in that free will man chose to bring that upon the whole human race. Therefore we live in a fallen crappy world. Things happen...the bible tells us that "many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them from them all" Jesus said "in this world you will have trouble..." That is just the gist of it....
I'm thankful that God has been with us. I can not imagine going through this past year without God's strength. It has certainly not been in my strength! Even the adoption was taxing....very hard but God helped us and we made it through!
What a year this 2012 has been....I don't know what lies ahead in 2013, it may be good or it may be hard but I am confident that the same God who has been with us through 2012 and all the previous years before., wll be with us in this coming year.
I pray that each of you will find that same peace for the year that lies ahead for you.
Day 56 Fish OIl Study
We are back in Jacksonville, left home about 6 or 7 pm and got here at 11 pm. All our clocks have different times on them LOL so I'm not sure when we left. Jon insists on going the "country route" instead of the interstate but it takes about the same time either way. I just hate 2 laned roads, I'm always positive that we're about to have a head on collision at anytime! So I had to "help" him drive all the way! I'm exhausted:)
I see the "light at the end of the tunnel" thanks to my wonderful sister in law and some friends:) Do you like the color of Selah's room? It is beautiful and peaceful. The worst of everything is done and they are finishing up everything else:) One thing I REALLY appreciated this weekend was using our washer & dryer. This is the first time in FIVE months that I didn't have to take my laundry downstairs, either to the basement at the RMH or to the 1st floor at the hotel. It wa great not to worry about getting in some one elses way or having someone take our stuff! It was so easy to go in the laundry room and to do all my laundry while I was doing other things...you have no idea hahaha!!!!
Her swing is all set up thanks to our friend Jim. I sat out there today with a friend and thougth soon Selah will be able to be outside and enjoy this. I do love Florida weather! It was a beautiful day today!
I've found that I "drink in' my surroundings. I do love the South:) I love the flat land and the pine trees, palms, oak trees and the Spanish moss. I love the smell of rain and the sound of frogs....in the middle of the winder:) I love our food:) All that weight I lost maybe creeping back on! I love that there is sweet tea everywhere:) Publix and wide parking spaces.... I love that even when it is cold in the morning, you know it will be warm by lunch time! I guess just being back in our familiar surroundings brings a measure of peace.
I'm glad I don't have to see the Erie Canal every day.....Tonight driving over a bridge, I had to keep myself calm. I started having a panic attack and thought what if the van went over the edge or the bridge was blown up, how would I save the kids....I don't see any beach trips in our future! Pools freak me out now too! I'm no fan of water right now!
Selah has had a great weekend. Our friends have dropped in to see her and I"ve called and everything has been nice and calm. No storms! It is hard for us to be away from her, not knowing what she understands or thinks bothers me. Hopefully this is the last time we will be away! We are planning on her going home on Wednesday as long as everything goes into place. We are waiting on the nursing and the transport. We do not want to drive her! Can you imagine our first time alone with her and we have to drive 4 hours with all the kids? In the country...? No way! So we asked for her to be transported by ambulance. That is all being set up.
We had a sweet service at church. Our music minister sang several songs about Trusting God through the storms of life. All I could do was cry....I'm not a crying person and really hate to in front of people. You have no idea how much I hate for people to see me cry! I don't really liked to be hugged or comforted either, it just embarrasses me to death! So I fight and resist tears as much as possible. But today the sweetness of the songs just overwhelmed me. I'm so glad I can trust God. I feel like I'm on a crazy fast roller coaster with no end in sight....my life is totally out of my control at this point. My family's life is out of control at this point....We are not in control anymore, we are just trusting God and basically living by "the seat of our pants" I am learning to make a few plans but most things overwhelm my mind at this point and it's been like that for the past five months. For the folks who know me, that is not "how I roll" but it is now! When I worked in probation I really tried with my paperwork to "touch it once" . Basically when it came in, I picked it up and looked at it and did whatever needed to be done with it, whether it was filing, or sending it to court or whatever....and that worked great! So since then I've tried that with everything else, if I was cleaning a room or whatever I did what was needed to be done and was finished. LOL that is out of the window now. I can't focus, even on conversations with people, much less work! I can write my blog....and that helps me to focus some so we will see how things go with this new normal for me!
So we are getting ready to go to bed so we can get up early tomorrow and go see Selah and do some chores!
Please keep praying for Selah. Pray that the fish oil will help her brain to repair itself. She was doing so amazingly well before we came here. We are praying that she will progress back to where she was before she was transferred. These past few weeks have been very depressing and sad to us. Hopefully that will change soon! I believe she will recover quicker at home although it terrifies me to take her home....
A good friend gave me some Essential Oils today and I used some for me and have some to put on Selah. I've got several friends who are using this, I don't know much about it but I'm open to try things with her and myself too! I put Lavender behind my ears today for calmness and I loved the smell:) I like the idea that they are true oils and not some flavored lotion or something with a million chemicals in it. I probably will be using buckets of the Lavender:)
Anna, my niece painting the closet
such dedication:) I love this girl!!!
Her swing is all set up thanks to our friend Jim. I sat out there today with a friend and thougth soon Selah will be able to be outside and enjoy this. I do love Florida weather! It was a beautiful day today!
I've found that I "drink in' my surroundings. I do love the South:) I love the flat land and the pine trees, palms, oak trees and the Spanish moss. I love the smell of rain and the sound of frogs....in the middle of the winder:) I love our food:) All that weight I lost maybe creeping back on! I love that there is sweet tea everywhere:) Publix and wide parking spaces.... I love that even when it is cold in the morning, you know it will be warm by lunch time! I guess just being back in our familiar surroundings brings a measure of peace.
I'm glad I don't have to see the Erie Canal every day.....Tonight driving over a bridge, I had to keep myself calm. I started having a panic attack and thought what if the van went over the edge or the bridge was blown up, how would I save the kids....I don't see any beach trips in our future! Pools freak me out now too! I'm no fan of water right now!
Selah has had a great weekend. Our friends have dropped in to see her and I"ve called and everything has been nice and calm. No storms! It is hard for us to be away from her, not knowing what she understands or thinks bothers me. Hopefully this is the last time we will be away! We are planning on her going home on Wednesday as long as everything goes into place. We are waiting on the nursing and the transport. We do not want to drive her! Can you imagine our first time alone with her and we have to drive 4 hours with all the kids? In the country...? No way! So we asked for her to be transported by ambulance. That is all being set up.
We had a sweet service at church. Our music minister sang several songs about Trusting God through the storms of life. All I could do was cry....I'm not a crying person and really hate to in front of people. You have no idea how much I hate for people to see me cry! I don't really liked to be hugged or comforted either, it just embarrasses me to death! So I fight and resist tears as much as possible. But today the sweetness of the songs just overwhelmed me. I'm so glad I can trust God. I feel like I'm on a crazy fast roller coaster with no end in sight....my life is totally out of my control at this point. My family's life is out of control at this point....We are not in control anymore, we are just trusting God and basically living by "the seat of our pants" I am learning to make a few plans but most things overwhelm my mind at this point and it's been like that for the past five months. For the folks who know me, that is not "how I roll" but it is now! When I worked in probation I really tried with my paperwork to "touch it once" . Basically when it came in, I picked it up and looked at it and did whatever needed to be done with it, whether it was filing, or sending it to court or whatever....and that worked great! So since then I've tried that with everything else, if I was cleaning a room or whatever I did what was needed to be done and was finished. LOL that is out of the window now. I can't focus, even on conversations with people, much less work! I can write my blog....and that helps me to focus some so we will see how things go with this new normal for me!
So we are getting ready to go to bed so we can get up early tomorrow and go see Selah and do some chores!
Please keep praying for Selah. Pray that the fish oil will help her brain to repair itself. She was doing so amazingly well before we came here. We are praying that she will progress back to where she was before she was transferred. These past few weeks have been very depressing and sad to us. Hopefully that will change soon! I believe she will recover quicker at home although it terrifies me to take her home....
A good friend gave me some Essential Oils today and I used some for me and have some to put on Selah. I've got several friends who are using this, I don't know much about it but I'm open to try things with her and myself too! I put Lavender behind my ears today for calmness and I loved the smell:) I like the idea that they are true oils and not some flavored lotion or something with a million chemicals in it. I probably will be using buckets of the Lavender:)
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Day 55 Fish Oil study
We are home exhausted....everything is moved out of Steve & Shad's room and into Jon's office at the church. They are calling it their "man cave" It actually looks good. That will be their hangout place but they will sleep at home.
My sister in law, Valerie is still in Selah's room painting it. it is looking good! Jim & Pat, our friends, came and put together the swing, and a book case and did all kinds of things for us also. We still have a ways to go. It has been an overwhelming task. What makes it so hard is having been gone so long and trying to move back in and do all this at the same time. Plus the whole emotional issue. As I went through all our stuff, I found it hard to sort things that are Selah's, that she may never use again.... even clothes that were hers that she has outgrown are hard for me to part with and I'm not one to save things much. I can't even give away her bandannas that she wore like a necklace because she would bit her shirt without them.
I find myself starting a job, then going to another job and getting nothing finished. That is not like me either, I'm very goal oriented and have to finish jobs. This has been a rough day to me.
On top of it, we had to call the Electrical people who just worked on our house a few months ago and did major work! None of the outlets in the kids rooms were working. Thankfully they came right out and found the issue (which I never did understand) and fixed it.
Jon did take Sam & Sarah out on the swing set today as he did his study for his sermon. They were so happy to be out in their swings:) The day started off with a soft rain and ended up being just beautiful before it got a little chilly tonight.
At this point, I can not see us being ready to leave tomorrow and I'm so frazzled and tired and achy that I just want to go to sleep! But hopefully we will be able to!
Thankfully a good friend that I grew up with and her husband Jina and Dusty, are checking on Selah. Jina put lotion all over her and Selah stuck her tongue out as far as she could:) They sent me a picture. She is doing good, no storms for a week now.
My sister in law, Valerie is still in Selah's room painting it. it is looking good! Jim & Pat, our friends, came and put together the swing, and a book case and did all kinds of things for us also. We still have a ways to go. It has been an overwhelming task. What makes it so hard is having been gone so long and trying to move back in and do all this at the same time. Plus the whole emotional issue. As I went through all our stuff, I found it hard to sort things that are Selah's, that she may never use again.... even clothes that were hers that she has outgrown are hard for me to part with and I'm not one to save things much. I can't even give away her bandannas that she wore like a necklace because she would bit her shirt without them.
I find myself starting a job, then going to another job and getting nothing finished. That is not like me either, I'm very goal oriented and have to finish jobs. This has been a rough day to me.
On top of it, we had to call the Electrical people who just worked on our house a few months ago and did major work! None of the outlets in the kids rooms were working. Thankfully they came right out and found the issue (which I never did understand) and fixed it.
Jon did take Sam & Sarah out on the swing set today as he did his study for his sermon. They were so happy to be out in their swings:) The day started off with a soft rain and ended up being just beautiful before it got a little chilly tonight.
At this point, I can not see us being ready to leave tomorrow and I'm so frazzled and tired and achy that I just want to go to sleep! But hopefully we will be able to!
Thankfully a good friend that I grew up with and her husband Jina and Dusty, are checking on Selah. Jina put lotion all over her and Selah stuck her tongue out as far as she could:) They sent me a picture. She is doing good, no storms for a week now.
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