Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Life and Reflections

Reflections on my 53rd birthday.....

WHERE in the HECK did the years go and how can I be 53???  Oh my Lord that sounds so old.  I'm not old- at least not in my mind!  

Today my best friend from childhood sent me an amazing amazing it will NEVER be shared publicly .LOL   While cleaning her childhood home she found pictures of us sunbathing probably around the time we graduated from high school.  Dear Lord in heaven above we were so skinny in our little bikinis.  There was one quite racy one with us lying on our stomachs with no tops on!  OH MY GOSH!  We just can't figure out who in the world took these pictures!  We can tell we realized that pictures were being taken-it's not like a perv did it LOL.  But neither of us have any memory of this.  We are guessing one of her crazy brothers took them WITh our knowledge.   LOL  But we absolutely LOVE the pictures because we were so tiny and hot!  But the thing of it, is at the time we had very little self confidence and thought we were fat and not hot at all.  We were dying laughing about these pictures and how absolutely stupid we were back then.  If only we'd seen ourselves as we truly were....  well heck we would have probably got into waaaaay too much trouble!

Then as I was taking Sam for his massage therapy session I was thinking of LIFE.  You know LIFE with the capital letters,,,,LIFE is a funny thing.  When you are young is is so long and stretched out before you- you just can't comprehend getting old.  I was raised by old people and I couldn't grasp it!  Now all of a sudden there is more LIFE behind than what is ahead and it's sad.  

I get so nostalgic for the 1970's and 80's.  A song or an old movie can take me right back to that time.  I guess everyone thinks "their time"  of childhood and teen years was the BEST time but my time was the best!  We had just enough of the new technology to be helpful and just enough of the "old ways" to keep us grounded.   We had 3 TV channels-that was enough.  We had phones but not a stupid cell phone that is attached to you like another limb (yes I carry one too)   It was a good time.  No one was too crazy about safety rules and we all lived to tell our story.  All the folks who raised me have been dead for years but sometimes I think of what I would give to be able to go back for just one more day....   Back then one day just dragged on especially in the summer.  Now a day would be such a treasure.  

I started thinking about my life.  I only have a few regrets-TWO  to be honest- of things I did that hurt someone else (and no I'm never sharing those on here!!)  Most of my regrets are things I did NOT do....however if I'd done some of the things that I regret NOT doing....I might have more regrets of the things I did do LOL  Most of the things I regret are chances not taken.  I was too cautious in so many areas.  But then again I'm thankful I was cautious in some areas!!!!!   

My upbringing was strict.  Once I got older I was not allowed to wear pants until I completely rebelled and refused to go to school if I couldn't wear pants.  Evidently I was pretty strong and won that fight!  But even after I had more freedom I was so worried about what I wore-I remember wearing two slips under some dresses because they were too thin... really???  What the heck is a slip??  LOL  I was such an old lady.  

I regret I did not tell more people to "kiss my grits" when I was younger.  I wish I'd had 1/10 of the confidence I have now back in high school.  Dear Lord I would have been a force to be reckoned with if I did!  Honestly I'm not sure when or how the confidence came in my life because even after I was married I can remember times when I handled things so much more differently that I ever would today.  Now I just do not care....  what people think or if they get their feelings hurt.    That doesn't mean I go around seeking to hurt anyone but I say what I mean without any double speech or lack of clarity to say the least.  I've often been told that a person knows where they stand with me.  Honestly it is soooooooo much easier for everyone that way.  I've found that it is usually untrue to a person to not be honest to them about things-whatever it is- usually there is a reason when I'm not clear with someone and it's usually means I am trying to curry their favor.  For example if someone was doing work for me but not doing it right and I don't say anything....why is that?  Maybe I have a fear of displeasing them or I'm trying to make them like me..... that's not good and I'll end up having a job done badly.  That's just one little example but it's so true.    Anyhow I don't know when this happened in me but I'm so glad it did and so sorry it took me years to have it!  Other people may not agree with me LOL

And boy do I regret the SILLY tears I've cried!  I wish I could tell my younger self to take a freaking chill pill and only cry about important things.  Actually if I went back to my younger self chances are I'd slap the crap out of her! LOL

If I could go back in time I wish I could go back to the start of high school with the wisdom and confidence I have now.  But I guess almost everyone wishes that!   I think due to my upbringing with no real mom or dad I had less confidence than most folks.  My day to day future became very shaky when my great  uncle died and my great aunt began having issues with Alzheimer's.  My other great aunt who lived with us really did not want the responsibility of a teen girl (and I don't blame her)  But she was very hard to live with.  Prior to her being the "one in charge" she was sweet and fun.  But with the stress of everything she took it all out on me.  My great Aunt Bertha (who I called Mam) loved me like she was my mother and all my childhood years I had that strength but once Alzheimers took over I was on my own in most ways.   I went from being very strictly raised to really no rules and there was no concern for me other than they didn't want me to bother anyone or be an embarrassment.  I get it- I'm a caregiver now of three children with special needs- some things are not important to me in the scheme of life as I am dealing with day to day issues of care giving and all that entails.  There are things with Steve and Shad that we did/do not worry too deeply about.  there is just not enough of the pie to go around sometimes.  But the difference is that my boys have a secure home and life.  It was not an easy time for me.  

I just wish I could have looked ahead and had an idea of what was going to happen and the things I was going to accomplish.  Of course the struggle is what makes us all grow into the people we are.  I wouldn't have minded the struggle so much if I had just had more confidence in myself.  Although it's funny because people will tell me I was very confident as a teen- I think I was a good actress!!!  I dd't feel it inside.  

Sometimes a smell can take me right back to a place and time....  Hot pine trees remind me of preschool at the Armory back home.  It was the same place I graduated from high school at and where we had a festival every year.  It's surrounded by pines and there is a smell that I love.  There is a smell of a certain cleaner that our dorms in college were cleaned with, that smell can take me right back to those days.   My grandmother's house had a smell, not a bad smell but an old smell, recently I hugged an elderly lady and she smelled like that- I wanted to go to her house and sit for awhile.  

Maybe as you get older, the past is safer to think about than the future.  The past whether it was good or bad or a mix, is something that is done, finished, no surprises there and you survived it!   The pain dims a bit as you can put it into perspective along with the rest of your life.  

Truly my life has been one with extreme highs and lows.  No nice middle of the road for me-no sir!  There's been one big drama from the beginning till now.  Sometimes it does not seem like all the things that have happened to me could have happened to just one person!  LOL  come on God give me a break!  I'd love for the rest of my life to be boring and predictable!  Well I wouldn't mind the drama of winning the lottery!   I truly do not seek drama-it just seems to follow me and now I'm resigned to it.  I have friends who have faced normal life situations, some hard times but mainly just the regular inconveniences of life and I get jealous!  But hey I don't have many regrets about my decisions in life at least!  How dramatic I sound and I haven't even been drinking!  

Anyhow as I drive my kids from here to there I tend to have alot of time to think. 

So since I was near our son's college we stopped in to see him and bring him a few things he had forgotten.  By the time we got there he had to get to work but it was still good to see him on my birthday.  Plus today is Shad's birthday!!!! Don't worry he got all the presents-never have the same bday as your kid, I'm just sayin' it'll never be the same!  Shad turned 15 and got a phone.  It's a text and talk ONLY phone.  He is out more and I don't like him to not have a way to talk to us whenever he needs to.  He also asked for two different kinds of tool sets.  Who does that?  He got what he wanted and some clothes too so he was happy.  

Shad telling about his mission trip

My Uncle Mack and me on my 4th birthday.  I loved him so much

Sally and me!  She was my present for my 8th bday I think.  Sally was with us for many years

So another year is passed.  My goal is to hit 100 the good Lord willing!  And I want to stay healthy and in my right mind so to speak!  Not sure if I've ever been in my right mind! If anyone comes up with a time machine let me know I want to go back to the 80's for awhile.  

No comments:

Post a Comment