Ten Years Ago.....

Ten years ago.....we got news that changed our lives forever.....

Jon, Steve and I had just come back from a "vacation" to Branson Missouri.  We actually went up for Jon to interview for a ministry position.  We had been offered the position but we felt way too many red flags to take it ( THAT was a good decision on our part LOL)  Anyhow we had done some fun things while we were in the area.  We visited some caves and some friends.  We also looked at private schools for Steve.  The one closest to where we would have lived took us on a tour.  We found out that IF Steve started there, one of his classmates would be Tony Orlando's child ( remember Tony Orlando and Dawn? "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree")   and another would be the adopted child of Jim Baker (remember PTL Club)    That was a hoot to me:)  Steve was starting second grade so he would have had some interesting classmates.  Can you imagine the PTA meetings????  LOL 

On the way home we stopped in Arkansas to see Jon's cousin.  Jon's family is from Arkansas but so many have now passed away:(   Anyhow we had a great time with cousin Shelia and visited some other relatives.  One day she took us over the line to Mississippi to eat at a really good old time southern restaurant and they had fried pickles.....  Oh My Lord.....I was hogging the plate!!!  Jon
"thought" he was over his allergy to fish....ate some and found out he wasn't as he swelled up like a blow fish.  We actually had to stay a couple of days extra till he recovered but we had a blast. 

So we get home, and still had some days of our vacation left, we were going to take a few days and go to the beach with family and just chill. 

So the morning before Jon made coffee....I gagged. we thought it was funny.

10 years ago today I woke up SICK and thought "let me take a pregnancy test"  .....Jon was out jogging  when I ran outside with the test stripe screaming:)  We were SHOCKED to say the least:)  We had been using fertility drugs but had been off for a couple of months just taking a breather....LOL

So a decade ago we started down a path that was unknown to us......  within just a few days, complications started.  It was a ROUGH pregnancy....one that was very unsure all the way to its' early end in February with the birth of our baby Sam!  Bed rest for most of the pregnancy, one medical problem after another.....just a small preview for what lay ahead! 

Throughout the pregnancy we assumed that the problems were more related to my "advanced maternal age " LOL  I had had some problems with Steve 8 years earlier and he was fine.....

But we were wrong.....somewhere I've read that most babies with Peter's Anomaly die before birth....early miscarriages.....  but my little man was a fighter.  He rarely moved in utero, and there were times I thought he was dead....but he made it!

We had no inkling  that anything was wrong with Sam.  The few prenatal tests that were done, were all fine.  Even if we would have done the most sophisticated testing it would have not showed up as there are only about 230 things that are checked with amino fluid.  And we were not taking a chance on losing this little one.

We also didn't know that just two months after I found out I was pregnant with Sam, the one who would really ROCK my world, that a little boy was born in Chengdu China, on the almost exact other side of the world from us, who would become our son, Shad.....

We also didn't know that just four months after I found out I was pregnant with Sam, that another family would find out they were expecting a child also...in Makiyivka Ukraine .....Selah

We also didn't know our new baby would have Peter's Anomaly and that one day we would find another little one who looked just like him from Donesk Ukraine .... Sarah

We had no idea where life would take us from that fateful morning.....

I could have never ever, in my wildest dreams, imagined the life that was ahead for us both good and bad.....that morning as we were giggling and telling Steve that he would be having a new brother or sister....  He was a very serious little 8 year old and he quickly said "it will be a boy, I prayed for a brother"  LOL  he was right:)

Who would have thought the birth of a little blind boy would changed three other children's lives like it has? 

I love the families who step forward and adopt children with special needs yet they do not have biological children with special needs.....  All I can say is God Bless Them!  I probably would have never had the guts to do it!  But after Sam rocked our little world, nothing else could be anymore scarier:) 

For me it was the love we had for Sam that opened our hearts to little ones who didn't have a mom or dad to walk through life with......many times I'd think that as I learned about special needs orphans.....  Sam had a rough time but he had us with him, taking care of him from day one.  Then we realized loving Sam had stretched our hearts big enough that we could love another little one who wasn't "perfect" but had a longing for a family.....and then another...and another.......

What a decade this has been.....from months of bed rest, a premature baby, finding out our preemie was blind....dealing with so many medical issues and machines for Sam in the beginning....then the path to adopting our other kids.....to Selah's accident....to now.....

We have had some challenges to say the very least...but God has been faithful....

I would not trade my sweet Sam for anything or anyone in this world.  His funny little ways are so precious to me, his crankiness is so cute (he is so like me it is very scary) I adore him from his head to his crooked little toe nail (yes it is crooked)

A few years before Sam, while I was going through the long dark valley.  God spoke to me, just as clear as day "You will have a son named Samuel and he will change your life"   I can remember where I was on Hwy 98 south driving into work....don't know if it was an audible voice or just in my heart...but it came out of nowhere.....so when I found out I was pregnant I was pretty sure it was my Samuel.  I was so afraid that I'd miscarry him and have to go through that pain again....but no I had a different "pain" to go through.   Oh I've cried many tears in the past decade....but I've had lots of wonderful love from my little man and the little ones that came in to our lives because of him! 

So we haven't had a dull moment since that morning ten years ago......

 

Love you Sam....

Our weekend in pictures

 

Saturday afternoon.....

 

Saturday night we had our "4th of July" celebration since the real 4th fell on the day AFTER Shad's surgery and there was NO celebrating going on that day !

 

 

Sarah wasn't' so sure about the noise but seemed to watch the fireworks

 

Sam was delighted!!!!!

Love this boy!

 

Rodney with his new congo bongo drums before church!

 

Sarah and me

 

 

Sarah "dancing" She twirls like a ballerina during our worship service

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sarah dancing to Victory in Jesus

 

 

Sarah dancing to "He set me free"

the words go

"Once like a a bird

in prison  dwelt

No freedom from my sorrow

I felt but Jesus came whispered to me

and glory to God

He set me free

 

He set me free

He set me free

He broke the bonds of prison  for me

I'm glory bound my Jesus to see

For glory to God He set me free!

 

How very appropriate for Sarah to dance to that song.  God and God alone rescued her....

 

 

Rodney after church playing Sam his own concert!

 

I caught Selah holding her head up.  She also pulled it back into place:)  she is getting a tiny bit of head/neck control.

 

 

 

My husband has become an avid biker. He rides the many trails in the Green Swamp/Upper Hillsborough River area.  His doctor recommended that he do that instead of jogging, as it is safer for his back, much less strain on his lower back.     He has seen all kinds of animals (snakes, gators, bobcats, raccoons, turtles, deer, wild pigs, all kinds of birds)  Yesterday he saw a FLORIDA PANTHER!!!!!!!!! he was thrilled!!!!!  He was coming up to a site where he sees a small gator almost every time he goes out there.  He was actually looking into the water and caught a movement out of the corner of his eye, he turned and looked right at a panther!  The big cat slunk off into the bushes but Jon saw that he had some crawfish and had broken the shells and were eating them.   He has thought about taking a camera and really wished he'd had one yesterday for sure! 

Library Time

Selah had a good night.  In face she didn't wake up at all.  Jon woke up at almost 6 am and got me up.  Selah's bed was soaked, she was asleep and did not seem to appreciate that we had to change her clothes and bed!  I generally stay up later when we are "on" so I sat up till midnight reading.  That is late for me.  So we all went back to sleep till the nurse came at 8 am.  I'm always thankful when she has a good night with us, it is such a responsibility to take care of her.   When she is well, it is not so hard although there are always little things to worry about like the gtube coming out.  But when she is sick, it is so scary.  The thing with Selah is she can be perfectly "normal" and then 20 minutes later, be having a storm!  That is the nerve wracking part. 


All my kids have runny noses as do the nurses.  Jon and I are the only ones who don't.  We really think Selah was in the beginning stages of getting sick last week but beat it thanks to the Tobymixion she was started on last Friday.  The last time Selah got sick, a few days later everyone else got sick and all four of my other kids ended up on antibodics !  She gets some strong germs! 

So we have made it 2 days with NO eating out:)  Not even an ice cream cone!   My goal is to go a week.  Tomorrow Jon, Shad and Steve will go kayaking after church with some of the guys and I've already told them they have to make sandwiches  (actually it will probably be me making the sandwiches) so we don't break our record. 

Shad and I did errands together yesterday and went to the library.  Shad is a good reader but prefers video games.  I've put quite the stop to gaming around here for now.  Shad picked out some books (no comics much to Steve's dismay) and he is really reading them.  My one major "gift" is I am a speed reader, really, and can skim a book in a very short time with pretty much full comprehension.   It came in good in college!  I use it now to skim all of his books and then make him retell to me the stories he reads.  Of course it helps that it is kids' books LOL!  He likes Hardy Boys, which I do too.  When we were in the library, I found some Bobbsey Twin mysteries and The Happy Hollistors...Who remembers them????   Those were the books I loved reading growing up.   He found a series of books on The Titanic and he is devouring them. 

I find it hard to savor a book, if it is good, I don't want to put it down.  My favorite books are mysteries, that have an element of comedy to them.  I also like ones written during the WWII era for some reason.  I give my boys a hard time about their video games, then they give me a hard time about my reading.  Although I am quick to tell them that I do believe READING is much better for a person's brain than video games!

We are thinking about taking a few days vacation this summer.  Selah will be staying home with her nurses.  We are looking for some good ideas  on the beach, on the gulf coast, from Tarpon to St Pete or maybe even a little further south.  We have stayed in that area many times but there is no place we've stayed that we absolutely want to go back to except my favorite is the Clearwater Hilton but we are on a budget.  I'm very uncomfortable with the whole idea, leaving Selah and going to a beach but we need to be together as a family for a few days, alone.  I'm a beach lover, even with my fair skin, something about the water just draws me.  When the accident happened, I did not know if I could ever be around a body of water again but that feeling has subsided.  I am thankful that this is something that home health care is there for, to be able to relay on the nurses for a few days.  I'm sure we will really enjoy it once we go....  So if you have any suggestions let me know.  I am TERRIBLE on those sites that find deals for you.....I seem to always pick crappy places and get bad rates LOL

The worse pick ever....was a few summers ago.  We were going to the Keys for a week.  Prior to the Keys Sam had an appointment in Palm Beach with his Miami eye doctor.  We were going to spend the night there and visit with one of my dearest college friends.  So we have this great appointment and head off for the hotel.  Oh the pictures and wonderful description just made us look forward to this "one of a kind" hotel...  So we follow directions and it becomes quite obvious we are in the HOOD!  With X rated theaters and hookers....  We pull up to this hotel, this supposedly glamorous hotel, next to an XXX rated theater...with a dry pool but lovely murals.  They take us to see the room (which was paid for already since it was one of those "deals" )  It was "interesting"  we go back outside and I'm almost crying at this point.  There was no stinking way we were going to stay there...  thankfully we were able to get our money back and ended up staying off the interstate in a chain motel.  Otherwise we had a lovely trip.  3 days in Key West and a week in Key Largo at a dolphin therapy school for Sam.   In Key Largo we stayed in a 3 storied townhouse right on the water with the biggest pool I have ever seen:)   That place so made up for the Palm Beach hotel......

 

Here is a picture of us in Key West on that trip.  I think it was the summer of  2008 or 2009:)  You can see how little my boys were back then!  Believe it or not, I just got rid of  the outfit Sam was wearing ....it was too worn out to wear anymore.  He is still my tiny boy:)

 

I love the Keys, I could live down there and be quite happy.  It is a beautiful, laid back area...  While we were in Key Largo, Steve got his first chance to kayak and has loved it ever since. 

 

So anyhow we don't want to end up somewhere like the Palm Beach hotel again!!!!!

 

 

Here is Jon and me

 

 

Here we are snorkeling in the keys

 

 

 

Hope you enjoyed these old pictures, it was fun to find them on my computer.

 

 

 

Please keep praying for Selah and for favor with the nursing situation. 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding a Balance

Our appeal package was sent off today to our insurance company/auditors.  Please pray for favor.  We got letters from all of Selah's doctors/specialists/therapists, as well as from our doctors noting our issues with back/shoulder and neck pain.  Jon has lived with a herniated disc since 1998, it improves and then has problems again.  In December 2011 he started having problems again.   He ended up having to have 3 steroid shots in his back.  He did not recover until mid March 2012 right before we were to leave to go get the girls.  He never missed work but had to use a cane to walk with.  As you can imagine we were as careful as possible on our trip!  Although his back issues have been a problem, this is one time it might be in our favor.  It shows we need nursing to help us with moving Selah which must be done frequently to avoid bed sores and break downs in her skin.  She is almost 50 pounds now and it is not easy.  Obviously I have major issues with my neck too.  The doctor reviewed the x rays and then asked me "when did you have a car accident???"   Well I haven't had any accident....I don't know what has caused the problems.  Again this is hard to live with, and is uncomfortable but it just shows how much we need nursing in order to take care of Selah properly. 

Well I had a crazy wild dream last night again....this time Jon & I were on an airplane...but we had NO idea where we were going.  At one point the captain said to look out the window to see the Grand Canyon...but I looked out and we were driving down the road in the plane....  somehow we ended up in Detroit!  LOL  In this dream, I wasn't afraid, merely confused .....  Again I have a psychology minor...I can interrupt it!  I'm confuse and don't' know where I'm going.    Thanks for the emails/comments and sweet posts on FB!  Yesterday was really hard for me.

A friend of mine said something to me that rings very true.  I can not enjoy Sarah completely like she deserves to be enjoyed because at the same time I am grieving for Selah.   It is a very odd place to be in.  And really it is true with all four of the children.  When any milestone, anniversary or birthday comes....there is a loss too.  With Sarah, I want to shout from the housetops how good she is doing and how much she and I love each other....she is my baby girl and we have an unreal bond between us.   That would have been true even if the accident didn't happen.  Sarah is my daughter in such a way that I can't even explain it.  It's like from the time I saw her picture, it was there and it was strong. I didn't even know what country Sarah was from, it didn't matter, I was going to go get her!   I didn't have that bond with Selah although I love her with everything in me.  Sarah was the child I saw and HAD to go to....she looks like Sam and has the same diagnosis...maybe that is what cements our bond.  Selah was an unexpected blessing to our lives....

But I want to be able to celebrate Sarah's life as we walk through this journey. 

In everything there is a balance to be achieved.  We try to make our home happy even tho we all go through hard times.  We try to maintain a peace in our home, in spite of the storms.  So I want to find that balance in my life with all my kids.  It is easy to focus on Selah, our whole life revolves around her and it should be that way as she is the one who needs us the most.  But our other kids need our focus too. 

Today I was out and took back some diapers a friend had given me.  It seems like Sarah has a reaction to them.  My friend had given me several boxes so while the lady was doing the register to exchange them for another brand we started talking and I told her about Sarah.  She was interested in adoption.  I told her we had another adopted girl and Shad was with me so he piped up and said "hey I'm adopted too"  But I didn't go into Selah's story.  I just couldn't and yet it made me feel like I was misrepresenting myself and family.  Sometimes I give out my blog card but I just couldn't do it today.  It's so complicated....


 You know I wish I was this great spiritual giant that just inspired you but I'm not....not at all.  I'm just a mom trying to trust God through the hardest most confusing time of my life....    But I'm still looking towards God, there is no other answer and that is one thing I know for sure! 

Please pray for Selah over the weekend, as we do the night nursing on the weekend, I'm always on pins and needles!  Please also pray for favor for our appeal! 

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We have had $420 come in for Channah this month...the month is NOT over.....please give to help the Monier family bring this precious girl home!!!!!!!!

Out of control....

YEAH I went a day without anyone in our family eating out!  I cooked Shrimp jambalaya, cornbread and made a salad for supper.  I also made homemade orange cookies.  They must be good for you since they have orange juice in them LOL!  I'm determined to get back on track with our eating out.  Nothing is better than home cooking but it takes so much energy!

Today I had so much paperwork to do for us and for the church that I skipped yoga.  It was storming so the Water aerobics would have been cancelled as well.  I worked really hard to get some of my goals done.  It's like I have "too many irons on the fire"  There are so many important things for me to work on, it all just makes me mentally exhausted. 

We are really dealing with the insurance company and our nursing agency.  I have very little trust that anyone is working in SELAH's best interest except for me!  I don't' mind a good fight but I am tired of ALL the fighting I have to do with the companies/people who are supposed to be helping my children, makes me very cynical and untrusting!  Please pray that our appeal will be successful!

Selah seems to be back to her "normal"  I think she was "trying to get sick" last week.  Thankfully the monthly medicine she started back on, seems to have kicked out whatever was going on. 

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Do you want to know something funny?  I write my blog, but I can not go back and read it....not at all, it's too poignant.  It's the weirdest thing, I put the cursor over on a month but I can't press it.  I just can not go there. 

Time is speeding towards the one year anniversary of the accident.  This time last year we were getting all geared up to go on our first road trip with 5 kids....it just makes me sick on my stomach now.  I keep thinking if Selah is not healed before the one year anniversary, it just won't happen.  There are so many memories crowding my mind....little things, cute things.....things that are forever gone.....

Last night I dreamed I was driving the car and all of a sudden it started going very fast and I could not steer it at all.  All the kids were in the car with me.  We flew off the road and were going through a field a 100 miles an hour...it was awful!  At some point, I just gave up and set back and was ready to die.  Then the van came to a complete stop.  I woke up shaking.  It was an awful dream, and a reflection of how I feel inside right now. 

There are things I want to write but you can't read them.  They are so dark, so angry, so upset....it's what is inside of me.  I'm angry that everyone's lives just go on....I hate how some have treated us, I hate lies.   I'm angry every times someone tells me "Oh didn't your daughter have an accident?  Things are ok now right?"  NO they are NOT ok now....I can not believe the number of people who have told me, that they thought everything was fine now....  News Alert.....we aren't a tv show....this is real life....   Do people really care?  Sometimes I think not....

Thank God for the ones who have been there for us and have held us up!  This has been and continues to be the biggest nightmare of my life....  Everyday is a new challenge that I do not want to deal with.  It wouldn't be so bad IF all my efforts could bring Selah back.  Then I would work around the clock doing whatever I could do....but that is not the case. 

I'm just glad God is bigger than this, He can carry me.  I don't say that lightly....He is the only thing that is keeping me together some days.  Oh I go through the motions, I can smile, talk, do what needs to be done but inside...the pain just eats me up.  So glad this world is not my home, and that we are only passing through.  When I see my little beautiful girl just lying in a hospital bed, even tho I've seen her like that for almost a year, my stomach just drops to the ground.   I can only imagine how she would be now if the accident had not happened.  She would have had a year with us, a year in therapy, a year to play and be happy.....who knows she might be talking....

All I can say is thanks for the prayers....they are needed. 

Chiropractor Visit

Today was a crazy busy day!  Yoga, then took a friends to Lakeland to 'shop" at another friend's "store" (my friend coupons like crazy and resells to benefit various charities)  then a quick lunch and home to meet Jon and take everyone over to St Pete to see a Chiropractor.....

He is one of my good friend's doctors and she swears by him.  No one has been able to help my neck/shoulders or even give me a good answer.....Well I finally got the answers....  My neck is messed up.  He asked me what happened...I have no answer except it started hurting last year.  He did x-rays and showed me all the problems.  He worked on it some but I was so afraid of pain, that it was hard for me to let him do much.   What he did do, was work with a little thingy...that he pressed on my back and neck.  He also found the spot on my right side that pain is radiating from and was able to diagnosis in a way that made me feel like he knew what he was saying.  Afterwards I felt a little bit better and really sick on my stomach.  I think being sick on my stomach was my body's way of dealing with the extra blood flow or whatever that was going on.  I was ok after a little bit.  He advised both me and Jon not to be picking up anything over 25 pounds.  He also thought the yoga class was good for me to be working on relaxing the muscles and hopefully getting some more range of motion.  I plan on seeing him on a regular basis since he is the first one who has tried to help me and not just thrown medicine at me!  Next time I'm having the Doctor see Sam and Sarah too.   His office is Florida Chiropractor in St Pete Florida.  I would recommend him to you all. 

Afterwards we went out with our friends....to eat....yes I talk about healthy eating and all I've done is eat out this week!  But I'm on a "going out" fast  No more eating out except on Sundays after church!   I feel like a huge hypocrite!!! 

Selah has had a good quiet day with us all gone.  She is resting well tonight.  She did have a small storm last night but recovered pretty quickly.  WHEW! 

Thanks for all the prayers....we really appreciate them!

VERY Productive Day!

 

Today was a RARE day for me!  It was very productive:)

 

I got up early went to Yoga and water aerobics.  We pay just $35 a month for a family membership to the Y.  I am so thankful for the YMCA.  The yoga class (Senior Sneakers) helps me.  I've been so stiff now for months and months and in such pain.  My neck and shoulders hurt all the time and I have less range of motion than Selah has in my neck/shoulders.  Since I've been going to the class, Jon tells me I don't groan in my sleep anymore.  Evidently whenever I'd move when I was asleep I'd groan!  I still hurt but this has helped me more than massages or anything else.  I wouldn't take any medicine because I don't like to take meds!  Advil or Tylenol did nothing to help and anything else...is just not good for me.  Plus I have to be able to react to the kids if I'm needed.   The past 4 weeks have really helped me.  the water aerobics is also a senior sneakers class but it gets me moving:)

 

Then I came home, jumped in the shower and went to meet my friend for a quick lunch before going to the attorney's office. 

 

 

 

Kafe Kokopelli's

in Dade City

 

 

Yvonne and Kandi

 

I'd been craving sugar cookies....no one had any so I had two cupcakes instead:)  I'm not a "sweets person" and do NOT keep anything like that in the house BUT sometimes a girl just has to have something! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then I met with a wonderful sweet lawyer that my friend Kandi had contacted for me.  She is going to help me get all the paperwork in for our RE adoption of the girls and Shad.  I am so very thankful and will ask if I can share her name on here to give her some publicity.  I so appreciate her interest in helping our family!!!!!

 

As I was going home, down our road I saw a ton of these...

 

 

(yes I live in the country!)

 

We had a tree that would get these every year and my uncle would have me pick up the worms so he could use them to fish with.   I could not for the life of me remember the name of them.  Some friends suggested Web worms....then another friend said they were Catoga worms that's what I remember them being called.  We have them up and down our road. 

 

Once I got home, I started working on Shad's scholarship from Step Up For Students Florida.  I thought I had some outstanding paperwork and that I had missed a deadline.   Thankfully I was wrong and he has received the scholarship!!!  YEAH!  he is ready to go back to his school in the fall!!!!

 

 

On top of that I am still working on our appeal to our insurance company for Selah's nursing....got some good advice today. 

 

 

Of course now I am behind on Sam's eye drops!  I can only get ahead in one thing at a time.  The story of my life.

 

Selah is doing ok, she had a small storm when we got back from Speech yesterday....although I was about ready to "storm " too.  I don't' really care for her speech therapist.   None of this is our "first rodeo" and we have had some really great therapists over the years....this one is NOT in that category although she thinks she is!  LOL  Believe we will be looking for another therapist for Selah.  Selah gets upset every time we go.  She is quite used to therapy and she doesn't mind going out in the car...it is the therapist.   

 

 

But Selah had a great night last night and rested well.  That is a good sign for her.

 

Thank you for continuing to pray for Selah

 

This picture was taken a year ago today, so wish we could go back....

 

 

Selah is in the middle

 

 

 

 

Sweet Selah:)  she is so cute in this picture....I miss that little one....

this was the last picture I took with my camera till we left for NY....so wish we had more pictures.