Out of control....

YEAH I went a day without anyone in our family eating out!  I cooked Shrimp jambalaya, cornbread and made a salad for supper.  I also made homemade orange cookies.  They must be good for you since they have orange juice in them LOL!  I'm determined to get back on track with our eating out.  Nothing is better than home cooking but it takes so much energy!

Today I had so much paperwork to do for us and for the church that I skipped yoga.  It was storming so the Water aerobics would have been cancelled as well.  I worked really hard to get some of my goals done.  It's like I have "too many irons on the fire"  There are so many important things for me to work on, it all just makes me mentally exhausted. 

We are really dealing with the insurance company and our nursing agency.  I have very little trust that anyone is working in SELAH's best interest except for me!  I don't' mind a good fight but I am tired of ALL the fighting I have to do with the companies/people who are supposed to be helping my children, makes me very cynical and untrusting!  Please pray that our appeal will be successful!

Selah seems to be back to her "normal"  I think she was "trying to get sick" last week.  Thankfully the monthly medicine she started back on, seems to have kicked out whatever was going on. 

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Do you want to know something funny?  I write my blog, but I can not go back and read it....not at all, it's too poignant.  It's the weirdest thing, I put the cursor over on a month but I can't press it.  I just can not go there. 

Time is speeding towards the one year anniversary of the accident.  This time last year we were getting all geared up to go on our first road trip with 5 kids....it just makes me sick on my stomach now.  I keep thinking if Selah is not healed before the one year anniversary, it just won't happen.  There are so many memories crowding my mind....little things, cute things.....things that are forever gone.....

Last night I dreamed I was driving the car and all of a sudden it started going very fast and I could not steer it at all.  All the kids were in the car with me.  We flew off the road and were going through a field a 100 miles an hour...it was awful!  At some point, I just gave up and set back and was ready to die.  Then the van came to a complete stop.  I woke up shaking.  It was an awful dream, and a reflection of how I feel inside right now. 

There are things I want to write but you can't read them.  They are so dark, so angry, so upset....it's what is inside of me.  I'm angry that everyone's lives just go on....I hate how some have treated us, I hate lies.   I'm angry every times someone tells me "Oh didn't your daughter have an accident?  Things are ok now right?"  NO they are NOT ok now....I can not believe the number of people who have told me, that they thought everything was fine now....  News Alert.....we aren't a tv show....this is real life....   Do people really care?  Sometimes I think not....

Thank God for the ones who have been there for us and have held us up!  This has been and continues to be the biggest nightmare of my life....  Everyday is a new challenge that I do not want to deal with.  It wouldn't be so bad IF all my efforts could bring Selah back.  Then I would work around the clock doing whatever I could do....but that is not the case. 

I'm just glad God is bigger than this, He can carry me.  I don't say that lightly....He is the only thing that is keeping me together some days.  Oh I go through the motions, I can smile, talk, do what needs to be done but inside...the pain just eats me up.  So glad this world is not my home, and that we are only passing through.  When I see my little beautiful girl just lying in a hospital bed, even tho I've seen her like that for almost a year, my stomach just drops to the ground.   I can only imagine how she would be now if the accident had not happened.  She would have had a year with us, a year in therapy, a year to play and be happy.....who knows she might be talking....

All I can say is thanks for the prayers....they are needed.