Finding a Balance

Our appeal package was sent off today to our insurance company/auditors.  Please pray for favor.  We got letters from all of Selah's doctors/specialists/therapists, as well as from our doctors noting our issues with back/shoulder and neck pain.  Jon has lived with a herniated disc since 1998, it improves and then has problems again.  In December 2011 he started having problems again.   He ended up having to have 3 steroid shots in his back.  He did not recover until mid March 2012 right before we were to leave to go get the girls.  He never missed work but had to use a cane to walk with.  As you can imagine we were as careful as possible on our trip!  Although his back issues have been a problem, this is one time it might be in our favor.  It shows we need nursing to help us with moving Selah which must be done frequently to avoid bed sores and break downs in her skin.  She is almost 50 pounds now and it is not easy.  Obviously I have major issues with my neck too.  The doctor reviewed the x rays and then asked me "when did you have a car accident???"   Well I haven't had any accident....I don't know what has caused the problems.  Again this is hard to live with, and is uncomfortable but it just shows how much we need nursing in order to take care of Selah properly. 

Well I had a crazy wild dream last night again....this time Jon & I were on an airplane...but we had NO idea where we were going.  At one point the captain said to look out the window to see the Grand Canyon...but I looked out and we were driving down the road in the plane....  somehow we ended up in Detroit!  LOL  In this dream, I wasn't afraid, merely confused .....  Again I have a psychology minor...I can interrupt it!  I'm confuse and don't' know where I'm going.    Thanks for the emails/comments and sweet posts on FB!  Yesterday was really hard for me.

A friend of mine said something to me that rings very true.  I can not enjoy Sarah completely like she deserves to be enjoyed because at the same time I am grieving for Selah.   It is a very odd place to be in.  And really it is true with all four of the children.  When any milestone, anniversary or birthday comes....there is a loss too.  With Sarah, I want to shout from the housetops how good she is doing and how much she and I love each other....she is my baby girl and we have an unreal bond between us.   That would have been true even if the accident didn't happen.  Sarah is my daughter in such a way that I can't even explain it.  It's like from the time I saw her picture, it was there and it was strong. I didn't even know what country Sarah was from, it didn't matter, I was going to go get her!   I didn't have that bond with Selah although I love her with everything in me.  Sarah was the child I saw and HAD to go to....she looks like Sam and has the same diagnosis...maybe that is what cements our bond.  Selah was an unexpected blessing to our lives....

But I want to be able to celebrate Sarah's life as we walk through this journey. 

In everything there is a balance to be achieved.  We try to make our home happy even tho we all go through hard times.  We try to maintain a peace in our home, in spite of the storms.  So I want to find that balance in my life with all my kids.  It is easy to focus on Selah, our whole life revolves around her and it should be that way as she is the one who needs us the most.  But our other kids need our focus too. 

Today I was out and took back some diapers a friend had given me.  It seems like Sarah has a reaction to them.  My friend had given me several boxes so while the lady was doing the register to exchange them for another brand we started talking and I told her about Sarah.  She was interested in adoption.  I told her we had another adopted girl and Shad was with me so he piped up and said "hey I'm adopted too"  But I didn't go into Selah's story.  I just couldn't and yet it made me feel like I was misrepresenting myself and family.  Sometimes I give out my blog card but I just couldn't do it today.  It's so complicated....


 You know I wish I was this great spiritual giant that just inspired you but I'm not....not at all.  I'm just a mom trying to trust God through the hardest most confusing time of my life....    But I'm still looking towards God, there is no other answer and that is one thing I know for sure! 

Please pray for Selah over the weekend, as we do the night nursing on the weekend, I'm always on pins and needles!  Please also pray for favor for our appeal! 

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We have had $420 come in for Channah this month...the month is NOT over.....please give to help the Monier family bring this precious girl home!!!!!!!!