Lunch today it was a table for six instead of seven....
doesn't Sam look angelic??
Sarah was clapping she was so happy
Jon and me
And look who is out of the house!!!!!
Today was a better day for Shad. the whole thing has been a bit more than we thought it would be....fyi if you have a son PLEASE have him circumcised young.... My poor boy has dealt with pain for years and now is dealing with pain from the surgery (that he should have had years ago.... the doctor wouldn't do it...changed doctors...) He is up and dressed today and most importantly finally OFF my bed LOL! He did get two new video games today for being such a tough guy!
The last few days have been really hard for me. We didn't expect Shad's surgery to be as bad as it was, the one year anniversary of the accident is coming soon, our yearly update to Ukraine is due (that is going to be a fun one to write:( and we are trying to get our re adoption paperwork done. I'm not a moody person. I can get angry quickly but I'm not a person that you've got to wonder "which Yvonne" will it be....I'm always about the same BUT the last few days I've been a mess. So Sad, feeling so hopeless, so angry....really angry....at everyone, at life, at God....pretty much I hate everyone right now...not really but I'm just mad. I'm sick of this life, sick of nurses in my home, I just want life to go back to OUR normal! I liked, no I LOVED our normal! That's all I want....but it's not happening....And I'm mad and sad.....
I'm just being REAL as always, unfortunately I'm like the guy on "Liar Liar" it's very hard for me to lie, even when I'm writing. LOL My friends and family have learned that when they ask for my opinion. I wish I could do some little "white lies" or at least have some Tact but that seems to escape me whether that is good or bad LOL
Life has just been hard this week, I've felt like I've been sucker punched, nothing much new except for Shad's surgery. He was in such pain afterwards and having to take care of him was just awful. Not that I minded taking care of Shad, don't think that. But it just reminded me how quickly a child can change. I realize an operation is not the same as an accident like Selah's but nevertheless, it felt the same to me. To see him so weak and in such pain....it was awful! That morning he was fine, then that afternoon he couldn't walk. I felt guilty although it was 100% his decision based on all the problems he'd had for years to have the surgery. He's so much better now but it was horrible to see him like he was on Wednesday.
Then I think of sweet Teresa's family, they laid their little girl to rest today....I still have all 5 of my kids, life maybe different but I can touch them, I can still hug them....I try to put things in perspective but can't always do it.... Please pray comfort for that family. God gives us a protection of shock when tragedy happens. It is a wonderful thing....but it wears off at some point and grief takes over. Life will be hard for them.
So I am really dealing with things, I have a psych minor, learned all the "stages of grief" and am quite afraid I have hit the ANGRY stage....God help us all..... All I can say is pray....I don't even feel like doing that right now... Sorry don't mean to let anyone down but it's just where I am right now.
I've always had questions about "healing"....if you read any of my old posts, I went through a time of "wondering". All I can say is I am 47 years old, been raised in church all my life, in a church that believes in miracles....and I can not honestly say I've ever seen a REAL miracle. That does not shake my faith in God. I think God can do what He wants....He set this world into motion, and He is governed by His own natural laws....by His choice. I believe God can heal, I just lean towards believing that healings are few and far between... I feel some scripture in the bible is taken out of context (not what the original Hebrew or Greek words meant) and people use that scripture to think physical healing is something that everyone can expect.
I know I can ask God for anything....and I do quite often, but I have to trust Him, no matter what the answer is....that is the hard part....
But I'm determined I'm going to trust God whether or not our situation changes. whether Selah ever gets healed....I'm not going to turn my back on God....
This time of our life is HARDER than right after the accident. We were still in shock, still reeling, nothing seemed real, far from home back then.... Now the shock is gone, we are back home, we're back in our routine.....and Selah is still in a coma. NOW we have to walk this out every day when we wake up, during the night when we get up to care for her, when we go out to eat and have to ask for a table for 6 instead of 7.....that is one of the hardest things to us. The first time we had to ask for a table for 6, Jon and I both cried.... it still hurts every single time! Even today the empty chair next to me seemed to mock me. A sweet lady came up to speak to us and asked how many kids we had and we told her we had one more child at home....we didn't say why.. but it HURTS like hell! We want our girl with us, involved in our lives. I want to be getting her plate from the buffet bar, and wiping her face, helping her eat....I don't' want her like this. But there is nothing I can do but keep walking....
Again I don't want to discourage anyone, or be a stumbling block to anyone...but I'm just where I am....one sad Mama....
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Someone asked me what re adoption is....the USA recognizes foreign adoptions as legal. However if you wish your child to have a US birth certificate and to have all the adoption paperwork redone in the US, you have to file in the USA. It's better for the child. For example a family only gets ONE notarized copy of each paperwork from that child's country , like say the child's adoption or name change...IF that were ever lost, you'd be up the creek. However if the re adoption is done, you could get as many copies as you wanted of their paperwork here in the USA.
We are re adopting Shad also, he really needs to be as I was the only one who went to China to get him. If only one parent goes, the child does not come in as an automatic citizen. So he did not come in as a citizen like the girls did, he came in as permanent resident. We HAVE to re adopt him in the US for him to become a citizen. We should have done it before now but now we'll do all of them and be done with it. I think it will mean something to Shad also now as he is older.
After all the years of working as a probation officer, I am quite used to court paperwork. But the problem is no one in the court system can give me legal advice. Even the forms that are to be filled out and filed, vary from person to person. I've been so annoyed with trying to get them done. Probably every county is a bit different also. It's really stressed me out. Thankfully a good friend has referred me to a friend of hers that is willing to help and knows what she is doing! Just knowing that has taken a load off! I'd like to get all that done in the next week or so.
Thank you all for your prayers and messages. I appreciate it!
Don't forget about the Monier family's adoption, please give! Also please clean out your closets and bless them with a lot of junk....I mean stuff they can sell in a yard sale if you live in this area. Contact me at theclanton5@aolcom to arrange drop off!
Yvonne one of the qualities that I absolutely love about you is that you are REAL. Just because we are Christians does not mean we are perfect or have it all together. I will continue to hold your family close in prayer!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for being a "junk collector" for our family. :)
I used to wonder how David could write some of the psalms that he did...until we went through some pretty rough waters a number of years ago. I am so glad God can 'take it' when not feeling like praying is the tip of the iceberg in how we feel about...LIFE!!
ReplyDeleteOnce again I find myself nodding with agreement on what you say about healing.
ReplyDeleteMy niece, Mariah had been sick from birth. She was special, and there is much about Selah that reminds me of her. (Probably why I read your post every day and pray for you all.) When she turned four I got the call that I needed to come because she had been sick for days and they knew that she wouldn't make it. I had an eight hour drive. For the most part I drive the speed limit. I didn't that day, I drove as fast as I could. I had to stop twice for gas. The first time I called and they told me to hurry. The second time I left the cashier, saw a penny on the ground, bent to pick it up, and the Holy Spirit told me to stop speeding, there was no longer a point. When I arrived at my sister's apartment an hour later I found out that my niece had died about the time I picked up the penny.
From the moment the Holy Spirit spoke to me I changed my prayer from stopping her death to being raised from the dead. I continued to pray, to ask God, to tell Him about the testimony this would be, especially since they were doing an autopsy which required brain tissue to confirm the diagnosis the doctors had suspected all along. I prayed, and fasted for much of the three days as I helped my sister prepare to bury her daughter, the closest thing I had ever had, or will ever have to having a child of my own.
On the day of the funeral I had an errand to run and arrived at the church by myself. I came down a long corridor and saw my niece in her casket surrounded by my family. There was sun on her face and I was praying. And her arm moved, and then moved again. I flew down the hall. What had happened is her sister had put her arms around Mariah and she flipped her arm up which is what I saw, and the miracle that I wanted so badly didn't happen.
That doesn't mean that they don't happen. They do. God is God and can do as He likes to change the physical world. It didn't change my faith in God, in fact it strengthened it.
I learned then, what you have pointed out so often, God is not a genie in a lamp. He does not perform on our whim or will.
For the past several years I have been dealing with health issues. Frustratingly, doctors either don't care or can't figure out what is wrong with me. It has cost me everything. My job, my house, things I owned and loved, and a big part of who I saw myself as. I haven't gotten an answer. But even if I never do, God is still God, and it is up to me to learn whatever I can from where I am. Even if I don't understand it. Even if I don't like it. Even if I can't find the why.
And so know, Yvonne, I am praying for you. I know you have a lot. A LOT. I know it likely feels overwhelming, and certainly unfair. But I know (from where I am walking right this minute) whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day.
Once again I find myself nodding with agreement on what you say about healing.
ReplyDeleteMy niece, Mariah had been sick from birth. She was special, and there is much about Selah that reminds me of her. (Probably why I read your post every day and pray for you all.) When she turned four I got the call that I needed to come because she had been sick for days and they knew that she wouldn't make it. I had an eight hour drive. For the most part I drive the speed limit. I didn't that day, I drove as fast as I could. I had to stop twice for gas. The first time I called and they told me to hurry. The second time I left the cashier, saw a penny on the ground, bent to pick it up, and the Holy Spirit told me to stop speeding, there was no longer a point. When I arrived at my sister's apartment an hour later I found out that my niece had died about the time I picked up the penny.
From the moment the Holy Spirit spoke to me I changed my prayer from stopping her death to being raised from the dead. I continued to pray, to ask God, to tell Him about the testimony this would be, especially since they were doing an autopsy which required brain tissue to confirm the diagnosis the doctors had suspected all along. I prayed, and fasted for much of the three days as I helped my sister prepare to bury her daughter, the closest thing I had ever had, or will ever have to having a child of my own.
On the day of the funeral I had an errand to run and arrived at the church by myself. I came down a long corridor and saw my niece in her casket surrounded by my family. There was sun on her face and I was praying. And her arm moved, and then moved again. I flew down the hall. What had happened is her sister had put her arms around Mariah and she flipped her arm up which is what I saw, and the miracle that I wanted so badly didn't happen.
That doesn't mean that they don't happen. They do. God is God and can do as He likes to change the physical world. It didn't change my faith in God, in fact it strengthened it.
I learned then, what you have pointed out so often, God is not a genie in a lamp. He does not perform on our whim or will.
For the past several years I have been dealing with health issues. Frustratingly, doctors either don't care or can't figure out what is wrong with me. It has cost me everything. My job, my house, things I owned and loved, and a big part of who I saw myself as. I haven't gotten an answer. But even if I never do, God is still God, and it is up to me to learn whatever I can from where I am. Even if I don't understand it. Even if I don't like it. Even if I can't find the why.
And so know, Yvonne, I am praying for you. I know you have a lot. A LOT. I know it likely feels overwhelming, and certainly unfair. But I know (from where I am walking right this minute) whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day.
I was raised to never be angry, never show anger. It ate away at me in so many ways, especially after my grandfather died. He was the first family member I'd ever lost, we were very close. I was 15 and all that bottled up emotion led to depression.
ReplyDeleteAs I got older I thought that being angry at God meant I was going to hell. And then I found something that said how God is our Father, our "daddy God". And how He is big enough to handle our anger--just as we, as parents, deal with our kids when they are angry. That was a HUGE change in the way I viewed my relationship with God. And it helped me let go of the anger.
I don't blame you for being angry and I'm sure God understands too. It's not fair. I don't understand why terrible things happen to children.
I am praying hard for Selah, your jewel, and that you will be "table of 7" again. I am praying to help heal your heart as well. Still praying for Shad to completely recover quickly (he is proof of how resilient kids are!)
Sending love to your whole family. I wish there was more I could do for you and Selah. xoxo
Thank you for sharing Yvonne. Although we don't know you, my heart also breaks for your tragedy. We know about permanent neurological injury too, with our child, and it is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering why you can not take Selah with you when you go out for supper as a family? I have a severely handicapped step-daughter who is in a wheelchair, traced, needs suctioning quite often and is tube fed and we take her out for supper with us all of the time. She has no real concept of what is going on around her but we enjoy her there and i am sure she enjoys all the sounds around her (as she is also blind). Most places are very accommodating, and we just ask for a table that I can move her quickly away if she needs to be suctioned so that it is not interfering with others while they are trying to eat. We also take her to the movies all of the time and that goes really well as well. I am not in your position but I think that if something ever happens to Selah you will regret all of the time you are spending being sad and angry at what happened and wishing for the "old Selah" back instead of enjoying the Selah that you have now.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason we do not take her out is that we do not have a handicapped accessible van. It's extremely hard to have to put her in a car seat and then get the wheelchair in. Since we have such a large family our van only sits 7- so there would be no room for her nurse and the nurse has to stay with her, as part of the nurses' job. I'm not sure Selah would enjoy the time out. We do take her to church as we live right by our church and she can be taken home if she starts grimacing. We also take her outside daily as we have some nice sidewalks and she stays outside until she looks like she is uncomfortable.
DeleteAlso we have had several doctors tell us to limit her out of the home time to cut down on germs. She gets sick enough on her own.
Maybe you don't understand as you never knew your stepdaughter as any different than she is now....but I knew Selah as she was....and it hurts like you would not believe to see her as she is.
We are no strangers to dealing with disable kids, all of my little ones have major disabilities....that they were born with and that is FINE, we love them and KNOW them as they are. Selah was very very disabled before the accident and I didn't grieve her disability nor do I grieve my biological son's disability....that is WHO they are.... but I MISS the little girl that was Selah..... if you've never been here in this position, you wouldn't understand....I didn't until this happened (have a friend with a child who had had an accident and thought "well at least the child is still alive") but it is like a death in some ways....
It's wonderful that you are so involved in your step daughter's life:) What a blessing for her dad to find someone like you!
I somehow missed that Shad was being circ'd, you said he was having problems? 3 of my 4 boys aren't circ'd as I'm not really a believer in it. My oldest has a very rough time after his, and he was a newborn. I don't think we can know that they don't have a lot of pain when they are infants, they just can't tell us. I'm glad he's feeling better.
ReplyDelete