So Jon took Selah and Sam on a walk...... one year ago today

Well the day is here....the one I've been dreading for months.   During the night I woke up a few times, in almost a panic mode, like something had waken me up....then I'd realize what the day was and everything.  We are trying to stay as normal as possible but our day is "off".  Our regular day nurse had to switch days and Jon is off from work this week, it just adds to my stress.  I just can't believe it's been a year, it's like some kind of magical number, I don't know how to explain it but having reached a year seems to make things more real, more permanent.  

I've never really told the story of that day in my own words but I want to today....


We got up early, expecting to be called to the hospital for Sarah's MRI.  We got the little ones fed.  Then I got a call that Sarah couldn't' get in for the MRI until the next morning so we had a free day.   I had dressed the girls and me in matching tshirts we'd gotten at Mayberry.  They were pink and said "We're the FUN girls from Mt Pilot" it was a spoof off of the Andy Griffin Show.   Well the Ronald McDonald House was having their annual fund raiser  of the Lemonade Stand.  A local radio station was there....lots of folks around.  One of the staff gave us RMH shirts for the kids to all wear so I changed all the little ones.  We were sitting around thinking about what to do with our day.  The week before I'd had foot surgery, my second surgery of the summer on my foot, so I still had a big bandage wrapped around my foot......  Shad was outside with the lemonade stand, Steve was playing a video game with a new friend and the little ones were getting antsy.  We were taking a family to the airport after lunch so Jon said he'd take the kids on a walk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

last picture of Selah before the accident

 

 

 

 

We had the double stroller and a single stroller with us as Sarah didn't walk at all, Selah couldn't' really walk outside and Sam tends to be lazy.  Jon asked Steve if he wanted to go, that way all the little ones could go but he was having fun with his friend ( and his friend who is fighting cancer was enjoying someone his age to play with him)  Shad was in the middle of the lemonade stand and I couldn't walk much having just had surgery the Thursday before.  So then we had to figure out which kids to take.  We knew Sam had to go because he was really tired of being inside.  At first Jon was going to take Sarah but then we felt Selah would enjoy it more because Sarah liked to be in the single stroller and not have anyone next to her.  So Jon took Selah and Sam on a walk......  First they stopped and got lemonade from the Lemonade stand outside.  I walked out with them after getting them all settled in the stroller.  We all got a cup of lemonade.  Selah loved it, I don't think she'd ever had any.  I actually watched them go off down the side walk.  After reminding Shad not to get close to the road, I went back inside to Sarah and Steve. 

Again I had no foreboding of danger...it was a happy day.  There was a little concern in my heart about Sarah.  Since the day I saw her picture, I wanted Dr A to work on her eye.  I could tell he was hesitating and I was afraid he thought she wasn't a good candidate because he is a gung-ho person and ready to move on any case he thinks he can help.  Asking us to do the MRI, made me realize he had some doubts about her being able to have the implants.  But I could comfort myself with the fact she was a happy girl and we loved her whether she could have the eye implants or not.  So that was the only worry on my radar......

Another family that their child sees Dr A was leaving that day, so I ordered pizza for all of us while I was waiting for Jon to come back...right around this time...11:45 am....  We went ahead and ate the pizza as Jon never eats pizza as it was taking some time for him to get back. 

Jon and I are both avid walkers/exercisers.  We'd been going to NY for 5 years at that point and have walked miles of the Erie Canal.  It is located right behind the Ronald McDonald House and is wonderful to walk on.  Rochester NY is a city that is dedicated to staying GREEN and having excellent parks and places to enjoy the outdoors.  The Canal system has been turned into a nature walking/biking area that goes for miles and miles.  We have pictures we've taken over the years back in the area around there.  Jon and Steve had walked back there on that previous Monday night with the little kids while I had gone to eat out with my good friend from college who lives in that area.  While Jon and the kids were out there they saw some deer....this is right in the middle of the city but it is so wooded, you see all kinds of animals. 

So nothing is worrying me....I sat in the dining room after Steve and his friend went back to playing on the game and our friends went to their room to pack up so we could take them to the airport.  Shad was still outside with the Lemonade stand..... I sat there and read the paper....it was about noon....

In the paper there was a funeral notice for a precious little four year old boy who had drown just days before.  I looked at his picture and prayed for his family.  At that time, little did I know, my family was in the water fighting for their lives.  There was also mention of a man who had drown in the canal on Monday afternoon....down from the RMH.  Just seconds after I put the paper down,  someone came in and said there was a some big commotion  at the end of the street.  Tons of fire truckers, police cars and ambulances....  I thought I'd better go check on Shad as he tends to be nosy and I didn't want him  out in traffic. 

As I walked outside and looked down the street.....I can not explain to you but I knew, I knew it was my family all those vehicles were there for....  I asked one of the RMH workers to look after Shad and I started running down the street, my foot surgery was totally forgotten for days.... as I was running I just started praying out loud, "OH GOD HELP"  I did not know what was going on and I hoped it was not my family but I knew that somebody needed some divine help right then!  

I went up to the very first cop and said "my husband was pushing my kids in a stroller...WHAT Is going on???"  He wouldn't answer me but began asking questions...I knew...he then went and got his supvisor...I began shaking so hard I could hardly stand up.  One of the cops offered to take me to the hospital to "identify the victims"  At that point I thought all three were dead.  There was a lot of confusion around me but I heard someone say that three people in red shirts were in the canal.....my three people had on red shirts...  There were news helicopters and reporters all around....  All I could think was they must have been hit by a car and thrown into the canal 

The cop tried to clean out his car so I could get in the front, but at that point I just said "let's go, I'll sit in the back" so I fell into the back, I was shaking so hard and had  a friend from the RMH to ride the few blocks to the hospital with me.   When we got to the hospital, at first I was not allowed in....  they made me stand in the ER loading dock.  At that point I started trying to climb up the cop.  Literally....I was going crazy, I thought about going for his gun so he'd pay attention to me....Thankfully a doctor came out to tell me that my husband and son were ok but another doctor was with my daughter.  She told them to let me in...so I went in. Still in disbelief....

So I see Jon on a gunnery and he is so upset.  He told me that Selah was gone....I said "no she can't be"  I just kept telling him I didn't blame him....I still didn't know what had happened.  At that point, I walked in further and saw Sam and he was alive but not very responsive.  Someone took me to Selah and as I walked in the door, of the trauma room, someone said "we have a pulse"   Very shortly after they transferred her to the PICU and I went with them for a few minutes, realizing she was the most critical ......  They estimate Selah was without a heartbeat for 45 minutes and she required 4 shots to her heart to get it started.

As they were getting her settled, I went back to Sam.  Obviously there were people with me, a social worker , several people...I kept throwing up so I carried a pink bucket with me for hours that day....  I went back to Sam and Jon.  Jon was in shock....  Sam seemed to be too.  He was very non responsive and they kept asking us if that was normal....NO it is not normal......but in my gut I thought he'd be ok.  His body temp had fallen to below 89 degrees so he was slow to respond.   We did not realize until days later that Sam had had no pulse when he was rescued..... In fact they worked on him on the bank, got a pulse and then lost him again before they got him back for good.  When we learned that, I almost passed out.  I had to sit down on the floor and breath deep.   


I felt so torn trying to be in two places at once.  I stayed with them for a few minutes but couldn't stay away from Selah.  As I was leaving the ER to go back upstairs I suddenly thought of Sam's eyes....
Having eye implants, he can not get water on his head, put his head under water and he can not get anything into his eyes......I totally freaked out.  I think the ER staff thought I was losing my mind so I called our Dear Dr Aquevella and he came down to us and took over overseeing Sam's eye flush and care.  When he came in (I was already gone back to Selah) He just wrapped his arms around Jon and was there for him like family would be.  It meant so much to us.....  Even tho people have gotten eye infections from the water of the Canal, Sam never had a problem thank God.

When I went back upstairs the head of the PICU talked to me and basically said although Selah had a pulse, they did not expect her to live through the day..... I asked if there wasn't ANYTHING that they could do for her???  I was a bit forcefully (the doctor later said I was a bit scary- I think was his words)  So he told me they could try and get her into a study that would lower her body's temp and basically shut things down for a few days.  He went on to say that I'd have to go through the consent and it usually took 8 hours to set up....  I told him that short of cutting off her head, do something!!!!!   He had just told me she wasn't going to live so if there was something to try, TRY IT NOW  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    

Needless to say, it didn't take 8 hours to get her into the study.  She was put on a cooling sheet and her room was cooled down.  It was about 60 degrees in there, I was already shaking...so then I was shaking with cold.  I kept going back and to between the kids until they brought Sam up to the PICU to a room beside Selah. 

Everything was so confusing, at some point Jon told me what had happened.....how he'd stopped on the path, looked at his cell phone to see the time and had to turn and shield it from the sun so he could see the time....and then as he turned back around, he saw the stroller headed towards the canal...he ran and for a split second thought he would reach it before it went over.....but he couldn't.   He jumped right in, the stroller went to the bottom ( we learn later 12 feet of water)  Jon went down and miraculously pulled it up.  The stroller and the kids together weighed over 120 pounds!  But once he got them to the surface, he couldn't get out with them.  The sides of the canal in that area were  high concert blocks...  he was screaming for help as the current took them downstream and he tried as best he could to keep their heads out of the water.  They were unconscious and  no matter what he did he could not keep their heads up very much.  But as the current took him down stream, there was one weeping willow tree branch that he could grab and then pull up on so that the kids were out of the water but he still couldn't work on them. 

A man on a bike heard his cries and went over to where some people were eating.  The people were first year med students and their teacher,  they came running and some young ladies with experience in lifesaving, jumped in.  They were able to get Sam out immediately but Selah was twisted in the straps. The fire team had to tie a rope on the stroller and haul her out.  We've often wondered if that made the difference between Sam's outcome and Selah's......

Of course we were investigated by the cops, as well we should have been....they were kind and respectful to us. One of the lead investigators told me that they estimated it took FOUR seconds for this to happen.....  FOUR seconds can change your life forever.....   He also told me they did not know how my husband managed to get the kids and the stroller up off the bottom of the Canal.  he called Jon a hero as did the other rescuers...but Jon did not feel like any kind of hero.   When I went back with him to the scene some months later, I realized if this had happened with me instead of him, we would have all died, it was a very deep area, with no way to get out of the canal, I would not have had the strength to be able to get them up like he did....

The cop that I tried to climb over at the ER bay, was the son of one of our favorite volunteers at the RMH.  She told me later that he was amazed how I kept saying to Jon over and over "I don't blame you"  I did not even know what had happened but I saw my husband so broken hearted....  And because I know his character and how careful of a person he is (like an old man)  I knew whatever had happened was some awful accident.....  I believe God gave me the words to say that day.  Evidently the cop had seen other families react a lot differently when an accident happened....

Once I knew the story, I just grabbed Jon and said "this happened to me do you remember????"    And it had happened to me..... back when Sam was a baby, I took him and Steve to a local park.  I was already to get back in shape after being on bed rest for months and spending months with Sam in the hospital.   So the three of us are out for a walk at the park with Sam's new stroller....  As we are walking, the lid of my water bottle fell off.  I bent down to pick it up....and in those few seconds, Sam's stroller rolled away and into the lake.  I FREAKED out!!!!  NOT because the water was deep, it was barely over the wheels BUT I was more afraid of Gators!  Sam's stroller stuck a bit in the mud and a fisherman ran over and helped me pull it out.  Sam was fine, not even a drop of water on him but it upset me so much I just put the kids in the car and left.  

When all of this happened, it brought that memory right back to me.  And the memory was a comfort to me in a odd way....it helped me to realize how easily something can happen and how I needed to be gentle in dealing with my husband.  To be honest, I am not a gentle person, no one has ever called me that that I know of...  several close friends and family really worried about Jon & my relationship when they heard of the accident.....  But God used that memory of what happened with me, to help me not blame or punish my husband.  I know a marriage could not stand that type of anger.   God really helped me not to put the blame on Jon, accidents happen so easily.....I know Jon and I know he would have given his life to save the children if he could.  He loves his kids, he protects them, he watches over them......   there were days I thought he'd leave the ministry.  He had a hard time and still does at times.... 

It's been so hard, we've all carried guilt.  Obviously Jon has had to deal with it.  Steve came to me a day or so after the accident and just cried and cried.  He said if only he'd gone with his dad, this wouldn't have happened.  I had to tell him, IF he'd gone, he would have had Sarah in the other stroller and we don't now that this wouldn't have happened, and maybe in the confusion, he would have let go of Sarah too.....we just don't know...   I've felt so guilty that I didn't buy Jon a watch the week before.  I had gone to the store to pick up a few things but it was such a hassle to get one of the ride on carts, and my foot hurt so bad from the nerve pain...that I was exhausted when I got back to the van and remembered I was suppose to get him a watch.  I almost went back in but I thought, I'll pick one up for him later......if only he'd had one, he wouldn't have turned away to be able to see the time on the phone....if only I hadn't offered to take the family to the airport.....then maybe he wouldn't have checked the time...if only we'd all gone to the movies or something....  So many things could have stopped this awful accident from happening.....

Usually I don't get ugly remarks on my blog but a reader did leave a remark last night saying "Had the poor girl remained in the poor Ukrainian mental institution, there's an excellent chance she would still be able to walk, talk and breathe independently."  I responded by saying "Callie,  Selah does breath independently she has a trach but that is only to ensure she doesn't aspirate on her secretions. Selah never talked, not even in Ukraine...she was non verbal. As far as walking...she had learned just a few weeks/months before we came to walk to some degree.... However there is an excellent chance she may have died there, some other children have recently died in that institution. And Sarah in all honesty was so malnourished, and lifeless, she probably wouldn't have made it much longer there at the institution. You have no idea of what you speak about.... "

It's easy to say if we hadn't adopted Selah, THIS accident would not have happened.....Sure it would not have happened.....She'd be there still today at the orphange if she was still alive.  Children have died there since the girls were adopted....  she had never been listed, no one would have ever come for her.... she'd be alone without love....without care....   We HATE this has happened to Selah BUT she does have a family that loves her and has dedicated our lives to taking care of her. 

I don't understand WHY adoption is brought into this....what if it were Sam our biological child who had sustained an injury in this accident???  Would someone then say "well if you had not had him, then he'd be a safe little egg in your ovary"   It makes no sense to bring adoption in to this situation....

Unfortunately accidents happen every single day....just this week a man died trying to rescue a child in the Keys and a toddler got away from his family at a sports event and drown in the Hillsborough River....a teen, that one of my friends taught in school, died in a riptide in knee deep water.....   Life is so uncertain....

Personally I'd love to have an underground bunker somewhere in the Midwest with 100 years supply of food and water and all the basic comforts and put my family there....but even there you can't protect 100%.....

I'll never forget the story of a friend whose sister and cousin were playing a board game, they both went to move a piece and hit heads...one of the girls died from a brain bleed..... accidents happen.... You can be sitting on your living room floor and a terrible accident happen....


So as that day progressed, people began arriving and calling us.  Poor Steve did not know for hours what had happened and he just watched Sarah and Shad.  He really thought all three had died as he began piecing together the story ......  Poor Steve.....

Everything is very blurry in the afternoon, no real clear memory until we went to bed that nigh.  I "slept "in Selah's room and Jon stayed with Sam who was starting to act a little more normal.  At some point I did go over and talk to Steve and Shad, I did not tell them that Selah was not expected to live at that point.   I just remember being so very cold and I couldn't' not stop shaking, my whole body hurt from the shaking. 

One of my best friends Charlene, who was just down to visit, lives near Rochester and she stayed with the kids.  My dear brother in law Jim flew up the next day to stay with the kids as Charlene was leaving for vacation that week.  My brother in law was a life saver, not just to help out with the kids but he helped lighten the mood.  He was with us for almost two weeks. 

Later we pierce together all that was going on around us, that we were not aware of.... people told us how they learned of the accident.  The whole eye hospital community heard that a family from Florida fell into the canal and knew it had to be us....  some friends heard about it on the news, some got calls, everyone was just in shock.... my blog had almost 60,000 hits in one day....it was crazy...

During that awful time, in a sense, we were just kept in the palm of His hand.  Thank God for shock....it helps you get through things like this that are so unbelievable.   Although we were heartbroken, we had a peace in our hearts.  It's very hard to explain but God surrounded me as I was running to the ambulances....from that second on, I felt God's presence like I have never felt it before....  I've heard people say that God just upheld them...that is exactly what happened to me.  He was so real to me, I had no doubt that God was with us.  I still don't understand WHY God did not prevent it...maybe because this is a fallen world and things just happen....I don't know.  I don't think of God as weak at all for not preventing it nor for not healing Selah....  but my understanding is just not there....


God prepared me for this....He really did....  Back in May 2012, a lady came up to me at the Mall in Tampa and said God wanted her to tell me something...   I'm NOT big into ANYONE giving me a "word from God"  I figure I know Him, if He wants to tell me something He will.....    I had the kids all with me.  She said that "something big is going to happen to your family in the next few months, many will see, God does not want you to be afraid!"   She asked to pray for the little ones and I let her although most of the time I would not..   She took so much time praying for Selah, I thought it was odd, in the sense Selah was the healthiest one, she wasn't going for a surgery or anything but it was a sweet prayer.  I really thought it was God's way of telling us that we'd go back and adopt some of the other kids we had met there at the institution.....  I even said it to the lady and she said No that was not what God was saying...  She repeated what she had told me and emphasized DO NOT BE AFRAID

I remembered that lady and her word  to me a day or so after the accident....  I've held on to the DO NOT BE AFRAID this whole past year.....I'm still holding on to that word as I go through my days...

Please keep praying for Selah....don't forget her....thank you....