Honoring God

Tonight I sat by Selah's bed and just cried out to God for her.  This journey has been hard for us but I can't even let myself think how hard it has been for her.  That is what breaks my heart.  Doctors tell us that she basically knows nothing ...sometimes I hope that is true but I don't think it is. 

Driving back tonight in the cold, I couldn't help but contrast the seasons...when we came in early August, it was still summer, one of the hottest in the Northeast, we all were wearing shorts, school still hasn't started...now it is winter ( at least for us! ) The temps are down into the 30's in the mornings, the leaves are falling, some trees are bare already,  there possibly will be snow flurries in some areas up here in the next few days, school has been going for almost 2 months back home.  Eight weeks have passed, our lives have been turned upside down, the season has changed....the only thing that remains is God's faithfulness....

Honestly, I just miss Selah. I prayed that God will return her to us, our Selah.  She is so beautiful & precious.  She was so funny, the perfect child for us.  What a joy she brought us.  So tonight things were quiet and I was able to really focus and pray.  There were so many precious things that God had dropped into our hearts in the past few months.  I don't know what the future holds but I'm thankful for the things that God has given us.  God has been faithful to us,  He will continue to be faithful to us.  All I can say, is God has always been with us.  He will continue to do so. 

I've been reading a book that was sent to me "Faithful Women & Their Extraordinary God" by Noel Piper.  (thank you so much to my friend who sent to me!!)   I'm a speed reader but I'm taking my time with this book.  Today I read the first chapter, it was about Sarah Edwards...let's just say I do not measure up in any way whatsoever.  Sarah (love that name!) was the wife of Jonathan Edwards...what a life, trusting in God completely...what trials she faced, died in her 40's right after her husband died....both died trusting in God.  I'm going to reread it again tomorrow.  Right now, I find it hard to concentrate on anything (that's why I've been reading Nancy Drew  doesn't take much attention LOL)  It's amazing to read of a woman, over 300 years ago, who faced uncertain times in her life and yet she trusted God through it all.   One story that sticks out to me is the story of how her daughter Esther when her husband died wrote to her mother, Sarah, asking for her parents to pray that  she would not faint under this severe stroke...she was afraid that she would dishonor God...through the trials of her life.  That really spoke to me.  I want to honor God through the trials of my life & I do not want to faint under this severe stroke and that encouraged my heart that a woman over 300 years ago had the same desire....

My desire is to honor God through this trial.  God is a faithful God, one that is trustworthy.  I've not always been faithful to God through trials.  Sixteen years ago, this month we lost twins, that was a trial that I did not honor God as I walked through it.  It took a few years before  I chose to trust God fully in every area.  Then we had Sam....I learned trust....  Trust has always been an issue for me.  Having grown up very self reliant, I didn't trust God fully.  I felt I was a "self made woman"  and I was.  I could make things happen, find work or whatever I needed to do.  Then we lost the twins and I couldn't do anything to fix it.  I am a fixer!  OH I was sooooo angry!  Angry that I couldn't do anything to change things at all.  Angry at God, angry at the world....so me and God fought for a few years....LOL or I fought for a few years.  It was a rough time....but I grew through that.  I finally began to learn trust in God, something I had never known before although I'd been a christian really most of my life.  Then Sam came...  I got a crash course!   Seems like the crash course has continued now for about a decade and I'm in my final exam! 

I'm a very opinionated person and rather firm (lol) when I make up my mind.  I've been called blunt and alot worse at times.  The only time I'm gentle is with my family.  So when I'm dealing with situations, I'm not a meek gentle woman (to say the least)   I don't think I have EVER been described as a gentle woman in my life!  So in reading Sarah Edward's story, I can't help but think we don't have that description in common but I have a bulldozer, bulldog faith....that's what my husband calls me.  A bulldozer cause I will push down whatever obstacles are in my way and just keep going and a bulldog faith cause I will just hang in there.   Truly I like that description better than him saying I am a gentle woman (LOL)   But I do pray that I (we as a family) will honor God in this journey.  I want to be an example, of someone who walked through a trial trusting in God.  NOT so I can be seen as some huge woman of faith (gag me) but that GOD can be seen as the faithful God that He is....and if He will do it for me, He can do it for others!  What I mean is NOT necessary walking through this getting the miracle we want but just walking through it hand in hand with God. 

It means alot to me when I get messages and emails saying that our journey has encouraged others in their walk.  We all go through different things but we can encourage each other as we go through life.  I would SO MUCH RATHER have my old life back, than for any of you to even know my name, please understand that!   I sometimes get a bit angry when people ( who are not going through a trial)  say things to me "like you never know how many lives you've touched"  because I'd rather NOT touch any lives, I just want my baby back, along with my sweet life of being a busy happy mom!!!!   But on the other hand, I am grateful that I've met others who have their own journey that they are walking and we can walk side by side by a little while and encourage each other, in this journey called LIFE.  It's a hard balance to think about.

 Last Sunday Pastor Bob at Calvary Assembly of God in Chili preached on "Stamina" What a good sermon for us to hear!! Now I have heard hundred of thousands of sermons over my lifetime, if you include Sunday School and Bible College and not too many stick with me but boy did that one resonat in my heart!!!  That's what I need to hear! 

So again I ask you for prayer....please please pray for our little girl!  And pray for us that we will "finish the race that is set before us"  We all have our individual stories and our own race to run.  My race may not look like yours...and your race may be different than mine but let's run it.  Pray that we can run our race," looking to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith".....