LIFE

Selah is doing good. Her blood pressures have been closer to normal most of the day. All her labs are good, her heart rate is still a little high but not too much. It runs in the 120's, which is much better than it was running.

She did do something new tonight. I was looking at her eye and it looked red so I turned on the overhead lights and she squinted her eyes closed! I managed to look at the eye and it was fine. Then I turned off the lights and she opened her eyes. Selah never liked bright lights and would often close her eyes and cover her face if she was in direct sunlight. So it seemed like a normal response from Selah and that was good.

So physically she is doing pretty good, neurologically she needs so much prayer.

Tonight sitting with her, I just felt peace...an assurance that everything is going to be alright. I don't know what "alright" is going to be, but it's going to be alright! What a peace to trust in the Lord. And what is also helps is that we knew before this ever happened, that we respect LIFE and we had had conversations about various public situations and how we would react if we ever found ourselves in any type of situation where we had to make decisions of care and life/death decisions.

Now we never were asked about "pulling the plug" with Selah. She always had brain activity. But we were faced with the question of whether we would put in a trach and g-tube. Evidently some families do not chose to do those things. Since Selah doesn't' have a gag/swallow reflex, she can not swallow her saliva and could choke or aspirate and possibly die. Obviously she can not eat either, so she needed a g-tube for nutrition. Jon and I respect the God given Life inside her and we are committed to her care. In my opinion, since the medical advances are there to help people to live longer, more comfortable lives, then we should use it. If the medical know how is there, we believe we should use it to take care of a person. It was allowed to be created for a reason and we are going to use it to take care of our child.

So honestly we thought about questions like this more in regards to ourselves as adults, not really that we would have a child in a situation like this. But it is a blessing to KNOW what you believe and not to be shaken in that belief if something like this happens. There was never a question in either of our minds about her care or how far to go in saving her. She was without a heartbeat for at least 30 minutes. When they finally got a heartbeat in the ER and she was transferred to the PICU, I was told that she probably wouldn't live through the day. I immediately asked if there was ANYTHING that could be done, any surgery, study, medicine, whatever. The doctor told me that there was a study that she could be enrolled in. where she would be put on cooled sheets and her temperature would be kept within a certain range. I said "lets do it" Then the doctor said he needed to go over everything with me. I was quick to tell him, that he had just told me my daughter was not going to live, he didn't have to tell me anything just get her set up! We have laughed about it since and he told me Selah was entered into the study the fastest that any other child had been LOLOL! I can get a bit aggressive and I was on aggressive overload that day! See I was able to make decisions on my own KNOWING the beliefs and values that my husband and I have. I didn't wonder or think twice about it. I didn't even have to talk to him about it because i knew what he would say!

Why did I know what he would say? Because we have a value system based on the respect of LIFE! Not that we don't believe in a wonderful Eternal Life to come but we believe Life is a gift from God and should be considered precious. We wanted to give our child every chance of Life there was to give! What a blessing not to have to have some moral dilemma! We had no questions...we wanted the doctors to give her the best care to give her a chance at Life.

So our daughter defied the odds. The next day when one of the admitting doctors made rounds I asked him if she would live and he said that he hadn't expected her to be alive when he came on. So again I asked him if he thought she would live and he said he'd have to rethink it....well now more than 4 weeks later she is alive and doing quite well physically.

Now the doctors and medical staff don't expect to see a change in her neurological condition. It's hard for me to believe sometimes that it will change and that she will come back. I understand the medical explanation of her brain damage and the ramifications. During the time she was so critical, I was afraid but I think in my heart that I did expect her to live. It was such a confusing time emotionally that nothing was clear. The way I hear from God, is I try to clear my mind of all the confusion and really try to hear from HIM, not my desires but what He is saying. God has spoken to my heart before, and sometimes it has been a clear NO. When we lost the twins, I knew it was going to happen, God prepared me and I knew in my heart as BAD as I hated it that they were gone. During that really awful time with Selah , I told Jon that I felt like God was saying to me that she would live but I wasn't sure if she would recover. I couldn't hear God's voice on that. I still don't know in my heart what the answer is. I still pray that He will in His mercy touch our wonderful unique little girl and bring her back to us! Sometimes I think maybe I don't hear the answer because I don't want to know the answer...I'm not sure.

I do remember the dream I had right after this accident that we were home and she just "woke up" Now I know that they type of brain injury Selah had with the lack of oxygen is not a type of injury that you just "wake up" from like some traumas to the brain. But it was a good dream and I'd love for it to happen. So we are all just holding onto to Jesus no matter what the future is for us!

So let me share with you, have your heart settled, know what you are believe based on the Bible BEFORE you are faced with any type of situation so you are prepared. I have questioned WHY did God allow her to come back to be in the shape she is in now BUT I only think that because I know how wonderful Heaven is and it's hard for me to see her suffer. But God is the giver and taker of Life, since He allowed her to come back, we rest in that. We are committed to making her life as comfortable and as full of love as possible. We will take care of her and get her the best medical help there is and we will pray for her for God to heal her.

This may sound very simple to some reading this...I'm too tired to give a big long in depth ethical argument but simple is sometimes the easiest... Simply trusting that "this is the way it is".....we are going to make the best out of it. I know from experience that simply trusting God brings Joys that you never dreamed of....So we are simply trusting....



Other Family news

I took the kids out to eat today and we are sitting just starting to eat and relax...THEN Sam made a noise like a burp, then he did it again and threw up a GALLON of puke! I thought I was going to pass out! I had to strip him at the table because there was NO way I was going to pick him up like that!!!! He seems absolutely fine now, I got him back to RMH, gave him a bath and put him to bed. Went and bought a huge cheap plastic table cloth so he won't get anything on their carpet if he gets sick again. Jon came back from the hospital to help me cuz I don't do puke very good. I'm proud of myself that I didn't join Sam, I have been known to do that!

He has been fine since then and ate soup for supper. We won't be going back there to that particular restaurant even if we are allowed LOL But I have to say that was my grossest parenting moment in almost 17 yrs of being a mom:)
It's actually funny to me now but standing in the restaurant, I didn't know what I was going to do!

I've gotten some questions about Shad and Steve. They are missing school but the good thing is Shad is almost a year ahead in his schoolwork so we aren't worried about him missing some time. Steve brought some work with him knowing that there ws a chance he'd miss the first few days of school and the school has sent him some more work also. They go to a private christian school that is working with us.

Sam and Sarah are missing their therapies but they will be able to get back to that when we get home.

Our kids have done well during this time. They really "go with the flow" and are very flexible. We've been here almost 5 weeks and they seem to be fine. It is different living in the Ronald McDonald House than at home. We all six share a room, talk about communal living LOL! Good thing I don't snore (wink wink) RMH is large so there are various tv rooms, we've kinda taken over the one closest to our room, cause we can put in a baby gate and the little ones will stay in there and play with their toys. I cook them breakfast every day, lunch is usually leftovers and most night volunteers bring in the suppers. If not we go out and eat or I cook a simple meal. Jon and I have tried to eat supper with the kids since all this has happened so they feel the comfort of something they are used to. It's been a growing time for our family. I've never believed that you should shield your children from the realities of life, we believe you should use Life experiences to help prepare them for their future. We've been honest with the kids and have answered any questions they've had without unduly worrying them. They have gone up a few times to see Selah but haven't gone in her room because she continues to test positive for MRSA, although she has no symptoms of it. So we are working through this as a family and it has created a tenderness between all of us. We aren't taking each other for granted. Even hard times can become a time of learning and bonding, even through tears.

So thank you for your prayers for our family, please continue!!!!!