Six weeks.....

Six weeks ago our lives changed forever...I can't let a Wednesday pass without reliving that morning...and all the "what ifs".   Funny thing is we met her on a Wednesday...we got home on a Wednesday....and this happened on a Wednesday only 19 weeks after we met her...

Today Jon was with Selah and I stayed with the kids.  Sam's eye has looked a little red so we went to see Dr A.  He put Sam back on a steroid drop to get rid of the redness.  It was nice to be able to see him and not be over 1,000 miles away. 

We still don't have a date to go home.  Things are really about the same.  The doctors have gone up on her meds to help with the stiffness but there is no change yet.  Her blood pressures are still not completely stable....

I've been thinking about my blog.  I've used it for years as basically a venting place for me and a stress reliever.  Until the accident, I really didn't worry about what I wrote too much since not too many people read it but some friends and family.   Now it astonishes me to see how many have read it and worries me too hahahaha!   I tend to say whatever is on my mind....I've had a few folks tell me they have read the whole blog from the beginning....I so apologize to them:)   Someone told me I was blunt...well that is me, I've actually used a lot of restraint lately.  I'm not known for my restraint.....:)

Anyhow I do want you to know I appreciate the comments and prayers, the cards and letters...it really means alot.  Every single one has helped to lift our load a little just knowing someone cared.  This is the most awful thing to go through but we've seen so much love poured out on our family.  It really has restored my faith in the human race.  (I tend to think the worst of others unless I'm proven wrong)  Thank you all again!   You all's love and thoughtfulness makes me want to reach out to others even more when they go through hard times.  I truly know how much it means to have kindnesses shown to us and how it encourages our hearts.   Our children will never forget this time either and I believe that they will reach out to other families and individuals throughout their lives based on this experience. 

I'm pretty honest with my feelings and I don't sugar coat anything despite the fact that I am from the South.  The last few days I have felt like a raw nerve....sometimes I worry that I will just drop dead or explode from the emotions inside of me.  Sometimes I want to talk to "somebody" a counselor or pastor who will make everything  better but I know there is no special counseling that can change anything....(please don't suggest counseling, I am NOT a counselee type person LOL  my minor is in pastoral counseling but I don't get any clients cause I tend to be a bit blunt. ) I've tried counseling a few times in the past and it didn't work for me.  I'm from the old school, "just take it to the Lord in prayer"  No one else can fix it, no one else can help me.  That has always been the thing to get me through. 

Alot of times people going through a hard time feel God is far away, I dont' feel like that thank God.  He is very near to me, the only thing holding me together.  I've felt that in other situations in the past but not now.  All I can say is God has been good to us.  I'm hurting but I can say that and mean it.  I'm not saying it because I think by saying that "God is good" I can force His hand.  I'm saying it because He is good.   That truth is deep within my heart. 

In the past few years, God has shown Himself to me in ways that just have been awe inspiring.  It happened when I got to a point that I had to depend on God FULLY!  See, I was always a hard worker and planner,  I could make things happen in my life.  I worked my way through college, I did it!   I found the right jobs for me, I helped Jon in various ways....I I I I ....

But when Sam was born, and I had to quit work, we had a sick baby...then I had to depend on God....then as time progressed and we adopted Shad...I learned more dependence on God...then as we became pastors and went through the "school of hard knocks" and some friends forsook us, I learned more and more about God and it was a good thing,  Adopting the girls and the whole thing that went along with it, taught me so much more about God's goodness...

So you see, I can't say anything but that God is good.  He has been so good to me even when I was trying to do it all....and since I've learned to sit back and trust Him more, He has been even "gooder" to me!!!!  

I look back at my 47 years and can't help but see God's goodness in so many many many  ways,   I could tell you so many stories.  I've had an amazing life, more than my share of heartaches, but still an amazing life.  I see God's goodness in my husband's life and our children's lives...what stories we have!  God is good.....ALL the time.  The circumstances might not be good but He is still good. 

Right now I'm sitting my Selah's bed, she is so far away from me.  With every ounce of my being I want HER back to me!  Sometimes I can't breath, for the desire in me for her to come back to us.  I daydream about her being healed and playing again and laughing, I literally daydream about how absolutely wonderful it would be if this had never happened and what we would be doing at home.  If it's 2:30pm I think I'd be getting the little ones in to the van to go get the Boys... or if it were Saturday, we 'd be cleaning the church doing the yard...oh how I wish with all my heart that we were back in our mundane lives, out in the swamp and this had never happened!  I loved my life and didn't want anything but what we had....it was perfect to me!

This new life is not the perfect life ...it hurts like hell.  I've lost the twins and I thought that would just kill me but I didn't have memories with them.  I didn't know their cute little ways and although it was awful, and I grieved for what I never had....this time I KNOW what I've lost and that makes it worse.

If you wonder how I could grieve for a child I've only known 19 weeks... just think if you had a newborn and how much you loved that child in just a day or a few days, that is exactly how it is when you adopt.  With Selah and Sarah is was just so quick...With Sarah, I overwhelming loved her before I ever met her.  She was MY girl!!!!  Selah was our surprise and a bit different but before we even left the orphanage she was also MY girl!    I LOVED  having them and would just have those amazing crazy maternal feeling wash all over me at the craziest times.  Their disabilities only made them even more special to me.  We couldnt' help but think of the paths that had brought them into our lives and how God ordered our steps to become their parents.  We just felt the wonder of parenthood in such special way.  Just like you "ooh and awww"  over your newborn, we did over these girls (and Shad too)  And we had the most amazing adoption story anyone had every heard of and just knew God had ordained it all.

Then August 15th happened.....nothing is the same.  She can't participate in our family life...she is not there to take out to eat or to the park, she is in the hospital, in a coma...  She will always be in our family, she will always have her place and our love but we miss this funny little Ukrainian princess' smiles, babbles, attitude, I even miss her crankiness!!!!  I miss dressing her up and matching everything.  One day she will be home with us but even there we will have nursing and equipment, and a little girl that is far away.  That is a sorrow that is so deep, only death could be worse than this...   I've never thought about comas being so terrible, I guess in the past I would have thought "at least the person is still alive"  and that is true, but they are so not here...and any separation hurts!!!!!

So as we walk this, we can only make it through by God's grace, there is NO OTHER way!  

As I was writing, I looked over at Selah and she had a "storming" episode where she was trembling/vibrating and stiffing.  These are not seizures but they are awful.  I made the nurse and the doctor come in and look at her and have asked for a drug to help calm her (and me down) I turned off all the lights and quit holding her hands because it seems to make it worse.  I can only imagine what her blood pressure is right now (or mine either)

So again I say my hope is in the Lord...either to deliver us out of this or to walk with us through this....we have no where else to go....